Have you ever had a fight with a friend, co-worker, family member or partner about something that just doesn't make sense to you?
Everyone has different communication styles, and it is easy to get caught up in your perspective and be unable to see the other person's, even in situations where no bad intention took place.
In 1995, Dr. Gary Chapman PhD. of psychology published years of research about love and communication that he coins, love languages. There are 5, that everyone has, but individuals give different preferences to each one. When there are issues of communication in close relationships, whether they be platonic, romantic, professional or familiar, it is often a misunderstanding of intent.
You can find out how you rank love languages through quizzes created by psychologists, There are four official quizzes on the love language website: friendship, family, romantic and workplace.
Understand your love language to better communicate with the ones around you, and spread the knowledge. If the people around you understand their love languages too, it gives you all a tool for communicating better and understanding conflict.
What Are Love Languages?
The love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality time and gifts. When you take the quizzes, it will give you a ranking of your preference depending on the context of the relationship. Your number one, being your biggest preference, is how you feel most loved, cared about and considered.
When people have different love language priorities, it causes issues of miscommunication. For example, if your love language is words of affirmation, and your friends is gifts, then you express care in different ways, but may not necessarily feel cared about by the other person.
Continuing with this example, even though both people do actually care about the friendship, but they express it differently, it may still cause misunderstandings. There is so much power in knowing other people's love languages.
Even if you can't ask everyone in your life to take the quiz and see where they rank, knowing this information can be a tool on its own for opening your perspective. Keep in mind that other people express care and consideration differently and be open to other kinds of signs of affection that are different from your own.
It is important to feel cared about, but use this tool to meet people halfway, especially in friendships and work relationships. Whereas with family or romantic relationships, you can use this tool as a form of building intimacy, for sharing living spaces and long-term communication.
The 5 Love Languages
The five love languages were mentioned before, but now it's time to delve in.
Folks who prefer words of affirmation want to hear why someone cares or appreciates them. They feel considered and cared for by others telling them in words. Whereas folks who prefer quality time feel cared about and express care by making plans and making time for you.
Those who prefer gifts live for the holidays and birthdays, for them, it is an excuse to show that they care. But they also accept the same, which can be difficult for young people on a budget.
People whose love language is physical touch love to give hugs, shake hands, acknowledge others through platonic and intimate touch. And last but not least, acts of service. These folks will do anything for you, and feel loved when others prioritize doing things for them.
Just because you have a preferred love language, doesn't mean you can't adapt to other people. Love, no matter what kind it is, is about flexibility and trust. Avoid miscommunications and arguments by understanding your love language and those of the people in your life.
How To Use This Information For Communication
If your love language is different from your partner's, your child's, sisters, best friends, co worker's, that is okay! It is normal, there are 5 and they are ranked on preference, not existence.
For friendships and working relationships use this tool for communicating. Maybe after a presentation, your manager doesn't tell you directly good job, but they give you a new project to show they trust you. Your love language was seeking words of affirmation, but what you received was an act of service. Take this into consideration to avoid feeling unappreciated, because from this perspective it is a personal issue.
Family and romantic relationships are a little different for interpreting love languages since you spend so much time with these people, and maybe even a home. If your love language is acts of service, but your partner's is words of affirmation, use this information together.
It won't be hard for the other partner to adapt to your way, and vice versa. Find a happy median point to speak each other's love languages for maintaining healthy and meaningful communication.
