Whoever told you dating was fun lied to you. They lied to you big time. Dating is work. It’s hard, hard work. We’re not even talking about the date part either. The hours leading up to a date is when the work really begins. We exfoliate, shave, lather, rinse, lotion, pluck, spray. That’s just the start.
We do a lot before the first date. Even if we are about to go on a date with a guy we’ve known for ten years, we suddenly go insane and think that we need to look like the most perfect goddess who ever walked the Earth. The most hilarious part about all the effort we put into looking effortlessly beautiful is that guys have no idea. They think that we actually look like that all the time. Little do they know that it took six Youtube tutorials for us to figure out that contour. In fact, he probably doesn’t even know what contour means.
Here’s what guys do before dates: shower and brush their teeth. It’s nothing compared to the work we do. Thankfully, they don’t know what a weird time pre-date can be. It’s like Frankenstein’s laboratory in our bathrooms. Below are 17 things that we’re so happy guys don’t know we do before the first date.
17 The Deep Squeeze Into Shapewear
Ah, Spanx. What did women do before Spanx? Well, the answer to that is corsets, so we’re even happier about Spanx. We’ll take the amazingly stretchy material over that painful Kate Winslet corset scene in Titanic any day of the week.
Spanx work wonders. They smooth out all of our unsightly bumps and squeeze us into more flattering frames. You can even buy shapewear with butt pads so you can fake a bigger butt! While guys are aware of shapewear to some extent, they don’t tend to think about it when they see how bomb you look in your teeny, tiny dress. They also don’t think about the process of getting your body into said shapewear. It can be a truly horrific scene as you stretch the miracle material over your jiggly parts.
If you hook up at the end of the night, you’ll probably sneak into the bathroom to remove said shapewear, which is another thing he’ll never know about. Thank you, Spanx!
16 The Blow Out
The fact that you would be willing to go to a salon and pay money to wash and style your hair for a date is beyond men. They get ready for a date in, like, five minutes. Maybe it’ll take them a whole ten minutes if they’re extra nervous about the date, but still. They could be ready in the that it take the hair dresser to wash your hair. Also, getting your hair professionally washed is one of the great joys in life. The fact that it doesn’t feel that good when you wash your own hair will always be one of the biggest disappointments of all time.
If you don’t fork out the cash for a professional to style your hair, you’ll probably put forth quite a good bit of your own time to make your hair look salon-quality hot. Regardless of the situation, the time and/or money put into getting date-ready hair is something that men will never fathom. They just shampoo and go.
15 Planning The Contents Of Our Bag
One of the most strategic parts of the getting ready process is planning what exactly to put in your bag. Being that it’s a date, you most likely won’t be bringing that big tote bag you drag around everywhere. Yes, your daily bag may have room for everything you could ever need in life, but it isn’t the most practical. If you go to a fancy restaurant, your big tote bag by be in the way. You’re better off using a smaller bag or even a clutch.
Switching to a smaller bag for the date proposes the obstacle of picking what items will make the cut. You’ll need your basic makeup products for the road. Don’t forget oil blotting cloths, mints, and whatever else you could possibly need in the case of a date emergency. Since you have limited space, you’ll find yourself sacrificing one item for another, plotting out what you may really, really need in the course of the date. It’s a painful process that men have absolutely no idea about. They think switching bags is easy. Little do they know.
14 We Plan A Way To Get Out Of A Bad Date
Not only do we plan out what is going in our purse, but we also plan out how to get out of a bad date. This can be extremely important if we’re meeting a guy for the first time. Let’s all be honest, Tinder profiles can be very deceiving. He could look like Brad Pitt in his photos, but, uh, not look like that in real life. He could say he's an actor, but really live on his mother's couch and need you to pay for his meal. There are so many terrible possibilities.
If you end up on the date from hell, you’ll want an escape route. This can be as simple as planning to say that you have an early day of work or you have to get home to your pet. Some of us may be more elaborate and enlist the help of a friend to claim that she is having an emergency. Whatever the case, if we are meeting a guy for the first time, we probably have an escape plan.
13 A Mani And A Pedi, Obv
Our nails are not naturally perfect. It takes work and more specifically, it takes an appointment. Before a date that we’re looking forward to, we’re like to get both a manicure and a pedicure. He may see your nails and know that you’ve gotten a manicure. Gel manicures are so boss that it’s pretty obvious you’ve had your nails done. However, he probably has no ideas about those toes. I mean, sometimes we don’t even take our shoes off during the date. However, we like to be prepared for anything. You never know where a first date is going to lead. If he randomly invites you to go to South Beach on his private jet, you don’t want to have to say no all because you didn’t get a pedicure.
We are literally ready for everything from our heads to our toes. Remember that, guys.
12 Exfoliate Everything
When a first date comes around, you suddenly feel the need to have the softest sink of all time. If you could have Disney Princess skin, that’s what you would want. Of course, you’ve never felt Disney Princess skin, but you assume that it’s soft like butter.
Suddenly, you grab all those old exfoliating scrubs that you’ve been saving. There’s salt scrubs, sugar scrubs, oatmeal scrubs, everything scrubs. Hell, you may even pull out an actual brush and start working on that dead skin. You want every single molecule of skin to be soft and fresh. No dead skin cells allowed on first dates.
Afterwards, you clearly have to bathe in lotions on lotions and oils on oils. You will have the softest skin he’s ever touched, even if you have to rub all your skin off to achieve it. Guys, have no idea about what it takes to get baby soft skin. They just think all women are soft.
11 We Remove All The Hair On Our Body
On top of suddenly having the softest skin of all time, you’d also like to be completely hairless in the right spots. Obviously, the hair on your head should be shiny, full and voluminous. You should have all the hair there. That’s a given. Elsewhere, though, it should seem like hair has never existed on your body. Your legs should just be long, hairless stems. You’ll also probably book a bikini wax, y’know, just in case. Whether you’re planning to hook up the first night or not, you want to be prepared for everything.
In the frantic days leading up to your first date, you may even shave a random body parts you’ve never thought about before. Suddenly, you’re shaving your arms, your belly and your knuckles just in case. Just in case of what, you're not sure, but you want to be hairless there.
10 The Most Intense Shower Of All Time
Before a first date, you will take the most intense shower of all time. It will be steaming hot. It will leave your bathroom steamy for two weeks. You may even burn your skin off, but you don’t care. Some of the other parts of the process may take place in the shower, like the exfoliating and shaving. On top of that, though, you’ll also wash your body like it’s never been washed before. Soap must reach every single crevice of your body. If you forgo the blowout and plan on doing your hair yourself, you’ll lather like you’ve never lathered before. You’ll try to give yourself one of those marvelous salon shampoo experiences. Just so we all know, there is something so magical about getting your hair washed professionally and it can never be replicated at home.
Guys will simply shower their normal way. They have no idea that you are somewhere taking the most intense shower a human has ever taken.
9 We Buy Six New Outfits
The outfit is one of the hardest parts of getting ready. It must be dressy, but not too formal. It must be relaxed, but not too casual. It must be sexy, but not slutty. It must be cute, but not too girly. It is a tightrope that must be walked and it’s so very difficult. A little black dress could work, but you don’t want to be boring. You want to wear something that shows you have a personality. Ugh, you'll probably get so frustrated you'll even consider leggings.
If you go shopping for the first date, you’ll end up buying six new outfits, simply because you can’t decide. If you don’t go shopping, you’ll end up pulling out everything article of clothing from your closet. Suddenly, you’ll think that Forever 21 shirt you’ve had for six years may work. It’s madness. While guys may think they know what goes into picking out an outfit for the first date, they only know the tip of the iceberg. It is much more intense than anything they can ever imagine.
8 The Matching Underwear Game
You may be planning on hooking up with him or you may have absolutely no intentions of hooking up with him. Whatever the case, you’ll still wear matching underwear under your clothes, or, at the very least, underwear that looks like it’s matching. For whatever reason, you simply cannot wear a black bra with red underwear. It must be all black or all red.
If you do hook up with him, he’ll obviously love the matching underwear. Despite all his love for you sexy undies, he’ll not think twice about the fact that you perfectly matched your underwear so you’d look like a Victoria’s Secret model. If you don’t hook up with him, it’s still nice to have a set of sexy underwear under your clothes. It will instantly make you feel hotter. It’s a little sexy secret that only you know.
Whether he sees your hot undies or not, he won’t really put that much thought into the fact that you specifically picked there underwear out... mostly, because he didn't think twice about his own underwear.
7 Brainstorm Talking Points
Okay, he might do this too, but probably not in the same way you do. Before a first date, you’ll brainstorm talking points for the date, y’know little things you can bring up when the conversations drags. Silence on a first date is something that everyone universally fears. While he, too, may think of things to bring up on the first date, your thought process will be much more complex. You’ll try to think of conversation topics that will make you seem cool. Bringing up any upcoming DC or Marvel film usually works well. Trying to bring up sporting events works, but only if you know what you’re talking about. If you get into a conversation about the Super Bowl, but you don’t even know what teams are playing, you could be in trouble.
Basically, we’ll all put some thought into how to come off as a cool girl. Guys don’t realize how much effort we put into that. We want to see like Kate Hudson’s character in almost any romantic comedy ever and that takes some thought.
6 Facebook Stalk Him
This is another item that he may know about and even do too. The fact that you’re going to Facebook stalk the person you’re crushing on is a generally accepted fact in today’s society. Your checking out his Facebook before the date won’t surprise him, but just how deep you’ve gone on his profile will.
Guys cannot even fathom the extent of the way women Facebook stalk. We’ll go back to you’re very first post ever. Yes, we will go back to 2007 even if it takes us 16 hours to get there. We’ll click through all 2,000 tagged photos. We’ll even check out all your friends pages, just to make sure they seem like nice guys. We'll look at the profiles of all the girls who liked your statuses. There is no stopping us. We’ll know your favorite TV shows, names of your aunts and what summer camps you went to as a kid.
Of course, we keep all of this information quiet during the date so guys have no idea about the level of espionage we've done.
5 We Get Our Eyebrows Done
If the eyes are the windows to the soul, the eyebrows are the window curtains. Just from being alive in the world, we should all know that the window curtains are what really make or break a window. The same goes for the eyebrows.
Your brows can do a lot for your face. Getting the right shape can be a long process and that’s not necessarily something that can be achieved right before a date. However, you can certainly get your eyebrows done before a date, and most women do. It’s an easy way to make your face look more put together. Having sleek eyebrows can make you look 100% more chic. Plus, there’s no point in doing everything else if you forget about those little ol’ brows of yours.
4 Make Our Apartment 60% Less Girly
Both women and men tidy up their apartments before a date. You never know what will happen. Perhaps he’ll come up before the date begins. Perhaps he’ll come up for a nightcap when the date ends. Perhaps you’ll hook up. There are so many options, and you want your living space to be prepared for all of them.
If you’re a single girl, the likelihood of your apartment looking girly is about 100%. It’s not your fault. After all, you’re but a girl. Also, you should totally embrace that. It’s one of the few times in your life that you’ll be able to indulge in girly décor. When you finally find the one, you’ll have to decorate an apartment that both a man and woman would live in. When you get married, it’s all about compromise. But, for now, you're young and single so it can be all about flowers.
All this being said, you’ll probably de-girl your apartment before the date. You won’t leave tampons, your curling iron or lipsticks lying around like you normally would. You may hide your stuffed animals and the Cinderella jewelry box. You just want it to be a place that he'll be comfortable in.
3 We Put On All The Makeup For Our Effortless Look
If guys only knew how much makeup we wore to look like we’re not wearing makeup at all. The biggest joke of all is when a guy says we look better without makeup or that we don’t even need it. Hello, do they know how much makeup it takes to look like we’re not wearing any makeup? We have to fill in our eyebrows, put on mascara, contour of face, highlight our cheekbones. That’s just the beginning. We may add eyeliner, eye shadow, fake eyelashes. And, yes, this is all to achieve a natural look. Since the rise of Youtube tutorials and Kylie Jenner, it takes even more makeup to look natural.
Oh, and speaking of Youtube tutorials – he’ll have no idea that before the date, you were hunched over your computer listening to some 19-year-old girl’s instructions about how to achieve a flushed glow. They think it’s a swipe of this and that, but makeup is an art.
2 Perfume In Weird Places
What is it about first dates that makes us all go a little bit insane? Suddenly all the stuff we would normally do doesn’t seem like enough. This is a dangerous game and can cause us to go overboard. We may apply more makeup than we normally would. We may dress a little more provocatively than we normally would. We may try to do our hair in a new, cool way, only to majorly fail. You may also put perfume in some weird body parts. Suddenly, you’re spraying perfume between your toes and in your belly button – y’know, just in case! You're contouring your knee caps - just in case!
Don’t let the stress of getting ready make you go insane. You don’t need a new hairstyle and you don’t need perfume on your toes.
1 We Ask Our Friends About Everything
Again with the insanity. The first date suddenly makes us incapable of making a decision without consulting our friends… about everything. How should you do you hair? What should you wear? Yeah, but what shoes? What purse? What do you say? You have all the questions ever. You show your friends his social media accounts, asking if they think he’s cute, as if that matters. They’re not the ones dating him!
First dates will make you insane. Suddenly you’re besties will know everything about him and everything about what you’re wearing. He probably won’t realize that he’s not just on a date with you… but also your girlfriends. He assumes that you’ll report back to them, but he doesn’t realize that they picked out your outfit and helped you style your hair. He doesn't realize that they've told you what to say.
To remain creatures of mysterious, it’s nice that guys don’t know the lengths we go to before first dates. If they only knew these 17 things they may look at us differently.