Spring is springing, and with that comes the blossoming of relationships. It’s hard to ignore the signs: more people holding hands, an increase in public displays of affection, and more and more exes reaching out with those fond memories. How annoying is that, right?
Honestly, we’re not against being friends with our exes. Sometimes we try a relationship with someone and it just doesn’t work out. Does that seriously mean we have to lose that friend?
Unfortunately, not everyone thinks that way, which is why navigating post-breakup life is tricky. The last thing we want to do is to make anyone uncomfortable or to reveal too much after a night of wine and whining with our BFFs.
Texting can be a tricky form of communication, which is why we just had to write an article about it. We’ve gone through and found the 19 messages to never send our exes.
Post-breakup life is a hard, lonely road, but trust us when we say that reaching out to an ex is just going to garner more pain at the end of the day. Not to say that we should never talk to them again. Plus, there are also two messages that are okay to send. Read on to find out which ones they are!
21 The Classic ‘I Miss Us’ Message
This one is a no-brainer, but we had to include it anyway. “I miss us” is a message that should never leave our drafts folder. Text message, e-mail, even messenger; just don’t send this. Hello Giggles reminds us that when we send a message like this it doesn’t necessarily read the way we want it to. They write, “by admitting this, you are emotionally putting yourself out there. And it’s usually a lie anyway, you don’t miss him, you miss the way he made you feel on good days.”
Honestly, true. Don’t let one moment of loneliness discount those weeks and weeks of frustration we felt pre-breakup.
20 As Well As That Convenient Note That We’re Hanging In Their Neighborhood
Casual and out of the blue hangouts are great for friends, but not so great for exes. We all know it. After all, how uncomfortable is it to be on the receiving end of this kind of message? Like, do we suggest a cute little brunch spot, or do we tell them to leave our neighborhood ASAP so we can run our errands in peace?
Hello Giggles reminds us that this message is only ever going to end poorly. Either we end up at their apartment dealing with bad choices as they accrue, or we feel the heartbreak of an unanswered text message all over again.
19 Things That Try To Make Them Jealous
Whether we’re posting pics at the same time as seeing them come online, or we “accidentally” send some bragging details about a new squeeze to our ex’s number (oops), jealousy can make us do some questionable things. Relationship Rules gives us some advice when the green-eyed monster sneaks up on us. Their advice? Don’t do it.
Wanting to make someone jealous looks poorly on us, and it’s always so obvious what we’re trying to do. If they wanted to win us back they would have tried when we were in the process of breaking up; it just won’t happen three months later after we text them out of the blue.
18 As Well As Jealousy About Their New Squeeze
Relationship Rules also mentions that any sort of comments about their new partner are a no-go when it comes to sending texts. Unfortunately, when the break up happened we forfeited any say in their relationship habits. If they want to date a few different people casually, that’s their choice. It’s also their choice if they want to exclusively see someone and post a million photos with them.
Sending texts that reveal our jealousy isn’t cool since it’s totally outside of our jurisdiction now. Now, if they were still with us and we find out they’re seeing someone else? Go ahead and text anything you want, girl.
17 Faux Casual Phrases That Mean ‘Please Talk To Me’
We’ve definitely been at fault in the past when it comes to this point. This is a tricky one though, as it can be hard to pinpoint exactly what these text messages look like. If we text our ex to say that we found that sweater they wanted back, we’re willing to concede that that’s not just wanting to talk to them. There’s a specific, relevant purpose to the text message.
Texting them asking if we can use their Netflix log-in? No way. Besides, everyone knows that if the login info is saved on a computer, that person has all the right in the world to mooch some sweet streaming action. No texting required.
16 Anything That Involves Grabbing A Drink
It might seem like a good idea at the time. We’re out on the town, our friends bailed, and this place used to be you and your ex-partner’s favorite place for G&Ts. It doesn’t make us weak to want to grab a drink with our ex.
Still, Hello Giggles mentions that it’s something we need to avoid. They mention that a drink “[lowers] your inhibitions,” and can “skew your logic and cause bad decisions” when an ex is thrown into the mix. Keep the drinks within the confines of your friend group, and don’t get wrapped up in G&T-fuelled mistakes.
15 Guilting Them For Hurting Us
Yes, breakups hurt. They sting for a little while and it might even feel like we’ll never get over the heartbreak. Trust us when we say that we will heal, even if it takes a long time. Meet Mindful reminds us that, no matter how we might feel in the moment, sending guilting messages or passive aggressive texts won’t solve anything in the long run.
Sure, we’re hurt. But that doesn’t give us permission to hurt someone else. Not to mention the fact that, as Meet Mindful says, they probably won’t care since they’re in a different emotional space anyway.
14 Saying You’re Sorry (Even If You Mean It)
Now, take this with a grain of salt. If you two are actually friends and you need to apologize for being late the other day, go for it. But, as Hello Giggles says, “apologizing is okay when you mean it. Apologizing is also okay when you do it in person with the intentions of mending something. But apologizing for the sake of contact is kind of [negative].”
And let’s be real: if we were really, truly, regretfully sorry about breaking up with someone, we would want to say it to their face and to try to win them back, not say it via a 10 pm text.
13 Adele’s Words Of Wisdom: ‘I Wish Nothing But The Best For You’
Keep in mind that Adele didn’t send her wish through a text. She turned it into a bestselling song! If only all of our texts to exes could turn into number one hits. But while it’s great to wish our exes the best, we don’t necessarily need to tell them out of the blue one day.
Meet Mindful gives some insight, where they explain, “if the relationship ended amicably, they know you wish them well. If it didn’t, the whole world knows you’re trying to heal something that can’t be healed via text message.” Save the spontaneous well wishes for your friends and family.
12 Reminiscing About The Good Times
When we break up with a person it can feel like there’s an endless loop of all the best dates we went on playing in our head. This can sometimes make it difficult to move on after a breakup. If we keep thinking about the good times we can sometimes erase all the negatives that were happening.
Hello Giggles says what we’re all thinking: “throwing an old memory out there is the perfect bait. You expect warm, vivid images to come flooding back into his brain... It might work, but it might not. Either way, you can’t repeat the past.” And therein lies the reason we can’t condone that kind of shared reminiscing.
11 Sending Multiple Messages
This is always one of the more annoying things we come across, but it’s something everyone does. Yes, even us! Regardless of whether we’re talking to friends, exes, or current partners, sending multiple messages is a recipe for getting our notifications put on silent. When we send four texts instead of one long one (or the still totally reasonable standard of two shorter texts) we’re demanding attention.
At least, that’s what it feels like when we’re on the receiving end of it all. Of course, this is a standard across the board. It kind of goes without saying that texting our ex can already result in some regret; imagine what triple texting could give us.
10 And Then Sending ‘Why Didn’t You Respond?’
Relationship Rules is pretty blunt when they’re describing this one, but what they say is true: “you are no longer together; and you aren’t entitled to a prompt reply at all – especially if they are busy living their own lives.” It’s unfortunate, but it’s just one of the things we lose when we break up with someone.
They don’t need to reply to us at all, and that’s one of the most difficult things to learn during the breakup healing process. Asking why they didn’t respond just causes more hurt than it heals. Seriously, take our word on this one.
9 Sending Life Updates Regardless Of The Response
Sure, keeping friends and family in the loop is normal. What better way to spark a conversation than to offer up a life update, right? Sometimes all someone needs is a little nudge to start talking to us. Unfortunately, exes are not the people to send life updates to (unless they’re asked for, of course).
Relationship Rules mentions the psychology behind this action and says, “it just goes to show that their opinion of you still matters to you; and that you’re still seeking validation and admiration from them.” Who cares what our ex thinks, right? We’re doing incredible stuff over here!
8 All Those ‘Innocent Questions’ About Work/School
Those that met their partner at work or in a lecture at school will know just how tempting it is to keep that platonic dialogue going. After all, who could fault you for reaching out to ask about homework assignment number three, or that mini meeting that happened while you were on break? Our advice is to find a new work or school buddy to send questions to.
Opening any sort of communication channel with an ex can result in some tense contact and reopening of that tender-hearted wound. For us personally, the only option is to keep the conversation at zero percent.
7 Two Words: Song Lyrics
Music might express how we’re feeling best, but that doesn’t mean we need to send it to our exes. Song lyrics can make for awesome photo captions (and even bio quotes, because why not throw Taylor Swift lyrics in our About Us section) but they don’t make for great text messages.
Hello Giggles gives a few different reasons for this, but the obvious one that we want to point out is the fact that your ex might not know the song you’re quoting. This means it’s just an out of context phrase which may or may not convey what we’re feeling.
6 That Good Old ‘You Up?’
We’ve mentioned in a few different articles about relationships and texting that if a guy sends this to us, it can only mean one thing. That thing might not be what we’re looking for if our goal is a serious relationship. By the same token, we shouldn’t be sending that message either!
Not only does it not help with healing our heartbreak, but it’s also not the kind of precedent we personally would want to set. After all, the heartbreak is still going to be there in the morning. Why exacerbate it with reliving that special connection the two of you used to share?
5 Overly Poetic And Sad Messages
This is an aspect of ex-texting that Meet Mindful touches on which we hadn’t thought about. Poetry gives a voice to those that feel intensely and don’t necessarily know how to articulate it. Text messaging is a kind of instant communication which (you guessed it) is text-based.
Combining text messages and poetry is bad news, and can result in us saying way more than we meant to. Revealing our sad emotional state to our ex isn’t really going to achieve anything. Our advice? Put it into a poem and post it somewhere rather than sending a direct text message.
4 Leaving A Voicemail And Then Sending It As A Text Message, Too
Full disclosure: sometimes we do this when it comes to work, school, or other professional issues. Even meeting friends! If we’re going to be late we’re definitely going to leave a voice mail and a text message to ensure they’re not waiting there in the unknown. But when it comes to exes, the rule of thumb is to put the phone down.
Don’t call them, don’t text them, and definitely don’t do both. At least, not until we’ve healed from the heartbreak and have a little bit of time to process the breakup. If there really is a pressing issue you need a response to, take a deep breath and send one message. One!
3 Any Comments About How Hurt We Are
It’s just common sense to keep those hurt feelings locked inside when it comes to our exes. We support ranting and crying to friends, family members, therapists, and even gym buddies. But whatever we do, we can’t let our ex-partners know how much they hurt us.
Relationship Rules mentions that sometimes texting them how hurt we are comes across as trying to guilt them or trying to make them feel bad. We’re not saying that that’s wrong, but it does give away some of our power. Keep your patch of higher ground and find that emotional release on the shoulders of supportive friends.
2 It’s Okay To Send A Check-In
On the flip side of all this negativity is the fact that we can actually talk to our exes sometimes and have it not be weird. It just takes time. In fact, some exes remain very good friends. One kind of message that’s okay to send? The no-pressure check-in.
Elite Daily describes it as, “sending messages that don’t require a response allows your ex to decide if or when they will respond. By giving them the power to continue or ignore the dialogue, you’re basically saying ‘I’m here if you need me.’” And that’s all we can really do when a breakup is involved.
1 As Well As That Classic ‘Let’s Be Friends’
The other acceptable message to send after a break up is that other classic, “Let’s be friends.” It’s only natural to want to sustain a really good friendship, right? So what if romantic feelings got in the way and mucked the friendship up? It is possible to go back to being friends.
The only recommendation we might make is to wait until a decent amount of time has passed. Elite Daily mentions that reaching our right away is a bad idea, as there hasn’t been enough time to heal. Allow for the space and the time to help both of you, and then send this olive branch of a text message.
Sources: Elite Daily, Hello Giggles, Meet Mindful