www.thetalko.com

15 Wrong Reasons To Stay In A Relationship

Just starting a new relationship can be complicated enough, and it's not like things necessarily get more simple after that. A lot of the time, relationships just get even more complicated once you're finally in them. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, except it really highlights when they aren't working. Sometimes we start to question whether someone or a relationship is the right one for us, and this can be a very difficult thing to unravel. We never really know what the future holds and we don't always know how to tell the difference between signs that something is amiss and unreasonable fears that pop up to try and keep us "safe" from change. Ultimately if you're spending a lot of time questioning a relationship that alone is probably pointing to the fact that it might not be the right one, but at the time it can be hard to trust that. Here are some of the totally wrong reasons to stay in a relationship if you've been considering leaving it.

15 Because You Get Along In The Bedroom

A good physical connection is hard to walk away from, but it shouldn't be the only reason you stay in a relationship. Hardly. If everything is crumbling in a relationship except the physical part is still good it really doesn't matter, you have to keep it moving no matter how many big o's you're having. You probably already know that all kinds of special hormones are released when doing the deed that can keep us practically addicted to people, which is even more reason why sometimes getting a little distance from the bedroom can give you entirely different perspective about someone. It might not even be as great as you think it or, at least it's not irreplaceable. The truth is that physical attraction will be entirely different with every single person that you sleep with... and that it will always be good with anyone who you really care about. Even if it's not as technically good. It's true. Not to mention that there are a lot of different ways to get your kicks besides counting on the guy in the failed relationship to do it for you.

14 Because Of Money

Sometimes people get into relationships for the money, and walking away from the relationship means walking away from the funds as well. Or sometimes when you're living with someone, your finances get mixed up together and it can be hard to imagine unraveling it. If you've been splitting the rent, moving out on your own and having to cover everything yourself can feel a bit daunting and it can even feel pretty much impossible. Maybe you have a linked bank account and the stress of trying to split things up gives you serious anxiety. But none of these are good reasons for staying in a relationship when you just aren't happy anymore. You have to honor yourself and your own happiness because if you stay in the wrong relationship for a silly reason like money, then you're going to become pretty stuck in your life. As soon as you claim your independence, you might just find some new ways of making money will appear.

13 Because You're Afraid No One Better Will Come Along

From inside of a relationship, it's often impossible to imagine that someone better could come along in the future. But then again, you've probably assumed this in the past and been wrong, since you always end up moving on and usually with someone even better than the last guy. But even if for some reason there wasn't another guy out there for you (which there is), you have to consider whether it would really be better to remain in the wrong relationship than be on your own. What do you gain by being in the wrong relationship besides the title and "not being alone"? The sad truth is that you can still feel super alone in a relationship. You can even feel more alone than if you actually were single. Worrying that someone better won't come along isn't putting much trust in life or in yourself. Life is full of surprises, the world is full of people, and you're unique and awesome which means that someone out there is probably looking for someone just like you.

12 Because You Don't Like To Be Alone

Having a hard time spending time alone is not a good reason to be in a relationship. Constantly relying on the company and help of another person is only going to set you up for trouble in those moments where you really do end up on your own. Many people who have a hard time being by themselves actually feel that way because when the distractions are gone they start to think and process their life... and that's when the fears and worries come crashing in. No one should spend all their time worrying, but generally, you tend to worry more about things that you're avoiding. You should accept these things instead and  actually face them straight-up. It's normal to rely on other people for services and things that you yourself can't actually do, but assuming that you can't handle the basics and waiting for someone to take care of it is just throwing away your own power.

11 Because Your Family Loves Him

Family and friends tend to form pretty strong opinions about people that you date, and they always claim that their thoughts and feelings are in your best interest. Hopefully, that's true and they really do want you to be happy. But these people may love you, but they don't live everyday in your shoes, and they also don't know him the way that you know him. They also bring their own life experiences with them whenever they think about a new situation, so you have to keep that in mind. Your friends might see how fun and charming he is in public but not how he pulls away from you in private. Your mom might see that he comes from a good family and shares the same values as you, but not be able to understand how you can think he's amazing but just not be in love with him. Opinionated people might even get in your head and confuse you, which is the perfect time to keep your thoughts to yourself and really focus in on what you think. At the end of the day, you're the one who has to be in the relationship, and it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of it if you know you're doing what's right for you.

10 Because You Think You're Hard To Love

If you tend to believe that you're really hard to love, first of all just know that it isn't true. If you started thinking that because of some guy that you dated, think about this seriously for a second. Honestly, what does he know?! Anyone who was willingly in a relationship with you but wanted to make you feel bad about yourself or intimidate you into staying with them is not the type of person that you want to date... or probably even know. They can't be trusted, especially not with your heart. If you really believe that you're hard to love, sometimes being single for a while is the perfect way to realize that you're wrong. When we get out of weird situations that are clouded by other people's judgments we have more space to form our own and even to get to know ourselves in new ways. It's when you know and accept yourself for who you are that you attract the other people into your life who see the good things about you that you do.

9 Because He Apologizes

Just because someone apologizes for their bad behavior doesn't mean they deserve your forgiveness. "Sorry I ruined your life" doesn't take back the fact that they did, just like "sorry I ate your slice of cake" doesn't make another piece of cake magically appear. No one is perfect, and if they make the occasional mistake then, of course, they should be apologizing, but it really comes down to what they're doing wrong and how often they're doing it. If someone is hurting you on a regular basis that's not a good relationship, and it doesn't matter how great they are the rest of the time or how convincing their apologies are. If you got caught stealing at work 15 times, would they keep accepting your apology and continue to pay you? No, they wouldn't, and they would seem pretty dumb for thinking that you would change when you clearly weren't trustworthy. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

8 Because He's A Catch

So maybe you end up with a guy who is so awesome on paper that you can't figure out how to leave him even though you just don't have feelings for him. He has a good job, he's nice, good-looking, loyal, and he adores you... but there's one problem: you don't feel the same way about him that he does about you. This can be a tricky situation to sort through because it really comes down to your intuition and trusting your feelings. You have obviously noticed that something is off, and you have to listen to yourself. Something is making you realize that this is not the love that you're looking for. Asking other people for advice isn't going to be much help here because they don't feel what you feel and they might worry that you want to break up with your boyfriend for the wrong reasons.... or they might say that you're looking for perfection or that what you want doesn't exist. But everything exists. The bottom line is that if you're not happy, go ahead and throw that catch right back because you're a catch too, and someone else is right for you. You owe it to yourself to wait for him.

7 Because You Feel Guilty About Leaving

You wouldn't want someone to stay with you simply because they felt sorry for you, would you? Probably not. In fact, you would be pretty insulted if they did, because it makes it seem like they consider you too fragile to get over them. When in turn the situation around it's a little easier to see how feeling guilty about leaving someone else doesn't make that much sense either. Sometimes we feel guilty about leaving people because they are troubled and we have an emotional support system, or because we know they're in love with us and are going to be really depressed when we go, or because we can't really imagine them working it out with someone else. But if we're not happy, none of those are good enough reason to sacrifice our own well-being. He'll find someone else if you leave, just like you will. If he needs emotional support he'll find it somewhere else, and maybe your leaving will actually make him look for it in healthier places.

6 Because You're Scared Of Change

It's pretty normal to be afraid of change in general, and relationships are one of the main places that we see this played out. Talk about staying with the comfortable option. The desire to stay in the same place and avoid rocking the boat can be a really strong one, but it usually leads to a more stagnant life than you could be living. You certainly don't want to be living a stagnant life. Relationships can provide a lot of stability in life, or at least some predictability. But predictability isn't necessarily a good thing if it isn't feeding your soul. Just because a certain TV show is on every Monday it doesn't mean you need to be watching it. Don't confuse your relationship with the rest of your life and assume that moving on will disrupt your whole life. It might stir it up sure, but when you're making good choices the stirring up that occurs in life is always the good kind of stirring up as well.

5 Because Of The Time You Invested

Never stay in a relationship just because of how much time you've invested in it already. It doesn't matter if you've put in a year, or five years, or even 20 years, if you aren't seeing a way to work things out so that you'll be happy then you're always free to leave. The concept of starting over really gets to some people, even in the sense of having to start dating and gasp... being intimate for the first time with another person. You're never too old to find love. All we really have in life is the time in the present moment, so don't damper it by getting confused about the time you've lost and thinking about how much time you have left. If you spent a year learning an instrument that you realize that you had no future playing you would probably stop playing it. You might not quit music entirely if it was your passion, but perhaps you'd move on to a different instrument that you liked better. It's not wasted time simply because you make a different choice.

4 Because You Hope He'll Change

Sometimes people do change, but that doesn't always mean that sticking with a relationship while you wait for it to happen is a good idea. It sort of depends on what the issues are, and how much they are affecting you and the relationship. If someone is aware that they need to change and are making an obvious effort to do so then that's one thing. Being there as a support system and helping him get through it could even bring you closer together in the long run. But if he doesn't seem to think that he needs to change, then packing your bags is probably a better option. If he doesn't think he needs to change something that's a deal breaker for you then the odds of him suddenly changing overnight are pretty slim. And if he's choosing not to change over choosing you, then that should be a pretty clear sign that he isn't the right guy. (Or at least right now.) If he didn't want to lose you he might consider changing his ways, or at least getting you to understand why he doesn't feel the need to.

3 Because You're Close To His Family

Breaking up with someone that you've been with for a while can get even more complicated when you're close to his family... and when he's close to yours too. His dad loves you, and you're such good friends with his sister that you think you would have become friends even if you'd never met him. Oof. The thought of hurting them might even be worse than the thought of hurting your boyfriend. And yet the longer you stay somewhere that you aren't happy the longer you're dragging it out, and the hardly you're going to be making it. You don't want to get to a point in your unhappiness where you start acting out and do something hurtful because then you actually might be hurting his family. No one can ultimately blame you for knowing that it's not the best relationship for you, but they certainly could blame you for cheating or lying or doing something else bad that we're sometimes driven to do when we don't see an out.

2 Because He's A Loyal Boyfriend

Just because someone is loyal and trustworthy that doesn't mean that they are the man for you. Of course loyalty and trust are extremely lovely qualities and shouldn't be taken for granted, but they also shouldn't be seen as so rare that you need cling to the first person who demonstrates them. There are plenty of guys out there who are willing and able to be good boyfriends, and you should expect that plenty of them will want to be with you in the future if you decide to start dating again. The loyalty of another person can only go so far anyway, and it's expected to be mutually exclusive. If your head is in another place or you're constantly trying to figure out if you should be leaving the relationship, then in a certain way you aren't really honoring the relationship, which is part of the whole point of loyalty anyway.

1 Because You Love Him

There is a big difference between loving someone and being in love with them, and sometimes even when you are in love with someone, staying together is not the best choice. Being in love with someone and loving them is not the same thing at all. You love your dog, and your best friend, and pizza, but you aren't in love with them. That's a wonderful, healthy feeling to have but isn't necessarily enough to keep a relationship alive. When someone is the person that you're meant to be with, you should be in love them, and they should also be in love with you. There should be mutual respect and admiration, even though you won't agree on everything. You should be good to each other and want to continue to be good to each other for a long time, which requires committing every day to keep it moving forward.

More in Love