Crushes – we’ve all had them. Back in the day we used to have a new crush a week, not even counting our glossy beautiful and bountiful TV character crushes. Our walls used to be papered with posters of our latest crush. Looking back on it, the shrines we built above our headboards to our flavor of the week was one of the creepier habits of our tween and teenage years. Some of them are the obvious Leo Dicaprio/Ryan Gosling crushes that we publicly pine after proudly and in solidarity with on another. And then there are the crushes that we hold a bit closer to the chest. The unlikely crushes that you had on the people that were perhaps not the cutest or coolest athletic stud type, or weren’t even real – full disclosure a fair few of these are animated characters. Whether they are crushes from our childhood or a crush that strays from conventions we hold them near and dear and will take them to the grave. With the exception of course of this article in which, lets be honest, I’m basically airing out some Grade A classics from my very own secret crush closet.
So here is my holiday gift to you – a selection of my crushes that occupy different levels on The Weird Spectrum wrapped in delightfully cheesy puns (sorry, not sorry). You’re welcome. Honestly I’m not that embarrassed about it, aside from the fact that it probably shows my age. So sit back, relax and have a good laugh at my seriously questionable taste, but don’t laugh too hard because I have, mostly, out grown them, and the Internet – which never tells lies – has assured me that some people somewhere agree with me on some of these. And I bet some of you do too.
15 Can You Feel Simba Tonight?
Baby Simba is a classic 90s kid crush. Come on he was a total cutie. Yes it is a smidge weird to be grown up and admit that back in the day young Simba started some kind of pre-pubescent sexual awakening, but its no weirder than Eddie Redmayne admitting he had a thing for Nala on The Graham Norton Show right before he won an Oscar for Best Actor, so there.
Aside from the fact that lions are the Kings of Beasts, and the jungle, and all around fiercely badass specimens, Disney drew them sexy. Young Simba was precocious, had a great roar in training, and laughed in the face of danger. He was as smooth as the ripples in his back and the way he started an awesome musical number to ditch Zazu so that he could take Nala to play in an elephant graveyard. He grows up to be one hunk of a king and rules the coolest kingdom in the world. Most importantly he was voiced by everyone’s absolute tween/teen human crush Jonathon Taylor-Thomas and that really sealed the deal. Honestly I actually remember realizing that baby Simba = JTT and feeling as though the crush was completely justified.
14 My Man in Surewood Forest
Robin Hood? More like Robin’s so good. Where do we start with the original fox? Robin Hood is sexy in folklore, literature, and Hollywood. Of course in this context I’m talking about Disney’s fox rendition of the famous do-gooder but the fact that there’s a whole history about the guy has to count for something, right? He’s rugged. He’s charming, fiercely loyal, and got those sly foxy eyes. He’s the perpetual underdog that can’t stop winning. He is the epitome of chill, while still being deeply passionate about helping the needy. He’s totally in line with today’s anti-Capitalist rhetoric he’s basically a hip millennial liberal progressive and if that isn’t super hot in today’s day and age I don’t know what is. Riddle me this: if Disney didn’t want us all to crush on Robin Hood why was he so witty and sarcastic. Why would he shoot his arrows straight through our hearts? And why – god damn it – would he wear his tunic so low? All I can say is I wish that fox would put his feather in my cap.
13 Simon Cowell
We know that this stud began his rise to fame as the tough and grumpy judge on American Idol. And yes this counts as a childhood crush because some of us were kids when this show first came out back in 2002. Out of nowhere comes this man with enough authority to tell people straight to their face just how sh**ty they are at singing. We would tune in every episode to watch Simon Cowell sit alongside a panel of judges (who would be boring without him), and spew out such harsh truths to the contestants. He had the guts to say things we would be too scared to say. Then he left that show and seemed to take most the viewers with him onto his next venture, The X Factor (where he became even hotter). We could always count on him, sitting there in his white, black or grey tight sexy t-shirt. Oh and that kind of satisfied grin he has while telling people the harsh truth is really hot. He came in like a boss and still lives a life that we can only dream of. He is crazy rich, strong minded and loves animals. All of those qualities are super hot! Oh ya and he signed and pretty much created One Direction.
12 Aladdin is a Bae
Look at the way he runs his hands through his dark beautiful hair and his smile is just too hot to handle.
So Aladdin basically spends the entire movie without a top and we could not help but notice his really built frame. He is muscular, topless and kind of a badass when we first meet him. He spends his days living freely with his adorable sidekick Abu who we also adored. But when it came to Aladdin we just knew he was full on bae material. Remember when he offered Jasmine a lift on his magic carpet? We couldn't help but be jealous, how cool would that be if a guy we liked had a magic carpet! So he's a gentlemen and when he falls in love he's basically the most loyal man out there. Okay we full on fell in love with him, probably the reason most of us consider Aladdin to be our favorite Disney movie.
11 Goof is Truth
Max Goof is proof that the perfect guy exists - in 2D. A Goofy Movie is the pinnacle of sexy animated animals. If you are one of those strange humans who has never seen this movie shame on you, you’re missing out. Do yourself a favor and watch pure perfection in the shape of a dog. Max is every girl’s dream crush. His performance of Powerline (who is basically blend of Michael Jackson and Prince in a Devo suit) is so on point they could be twins. He’s a one-woman kind of guy and knows exactly how to treat her. He sets the bar really high for all those grand romantic gesture moments in our lives yet to come. I mean the kid high-jacks his Dad’s father-son bonding fishing trip to sneak into the biggest superstar in his universe’s concert and then rocks out on stage with him all so that he wouldn’t be caught in a lie with his potential bae, Roxanne – who is also totally smoking hot. What a G.
10 Ethereal Romance
Yes I’m talking about everyone’s favorite ghost Casper. I’m not talking about being a grown woman crushing on seventeen-year-old Devon Sawa at the end of the 1995 classic, because that is just wrong. I’m not even really talking about my young and impressionable self crushing on young Devon Sawa. I’m talking about crushing on the friendly (see through) ghost. To be honest it kind of ruined it for me when Casper turns into Devon Sawa at the end. Not that I have anything against young Devon, or current Devon, but he was all quiet and mysterious and not as wide-eyed, expressive, and eager for affection. Granted those eyes were animated – and almost triple the size of any human eyes – but all the same. Casper as a live boy lost roughly eighty percent of his loveable ghostly charm. Some might say that’s weirder than having a crush on an underage guy. I disagree. What can I say? I’ve always been a sucker for nice guys. He was always there for Kat, which once could argue is a little creepy in a stalker way. But to this day my heart melts when he whispers: “Can I keep you?” to her sleeping body. Yes, Casper, please do.
9 Fawning over the Faun
I’m not actually sure whether Mr Tumnus from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is cute because James McAvoy is irresistible even with hooves and pointy ears, or because I’ve always had a childhood fondness of Mr Tumnus throughout The Chronicles of Narnia. Either way the little faun makes the cut. And James McAvoy’s rugged charm helps it along because let’s face it once you’ve seen THAT scene from Atonement there’s no going back, trust me. He’s still hot covered in fur and sporting a dodgy goatee, he’s just more approachable and attainable this way. He’s not graceful or majestic, but there’s everything magical about this mythological creature from his pleasant face and glossy hair, and his loyalty to our favorite daughters of Eve and sons of Adam. There’s some sort of warmth about him, literally I suppose because he doesn’t need a shirt to shield himself from the wicked winter. So his chest is all exposed all the time. Hooray.
8 Salem Put Every Little Witch’s Heart On Trial
Move over Grumpy Cat it’s time for you to pay your respects to your predecessor without whom you would be nothing. Salem Saberhagen. If the sibilance in that name alone doesn’t send shivers up your spine you should probably check your pulse. Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch is kind of the greatest and most quotable cat in TV history. No big deal or anything. So what is so attractive about a common black cat? Where do we start? He talks for one, and he sings with a deep sultry voice. He’s a cat chasing our very own deepest desires like: attention, belly rubs, sleep, all of the food groups, fame, pampering himself, making millions, and world domination. Salem has undeniable wit, a loveable charm, and is not afraid to cry. Ever. So he’s kind of the best partner in crime. On the level Salem is boyfriend material. If only he wasn’t a cat…or a fictional character.
7 Velma my Dinkley, Jinkies!
This first class babe is really not that weird as far as animated cartoon character crushes but I can’t resist my I-told-you-so moment for all the Daphne/Shaggy crushers out there (that last one just me too?). So I’m setting the record straight. Velma Dinkly is the Boss and we should all bow down to her and kiss her feet. Maybe now that we’ve all grown up everyone else can see how badass Velma really is. Firstly she rocks an orange turtleneck. She is wicked smart and basically invented intellectual sassing. Her timing is always flawless when putting someone in his or her place with the perfect amount of superiority and disdain all with a killer deadpan. She always saves the day and despite baring the brunt of all the short jokes imaginable can quite literally carry her squad away from danger. Of Strong mind and body. She’s miniature but mighty. Now that is my kind of woman.
6 Tuxedo Mask
As the main male character in Sailor Moon, we couldn't help but fall totally in love with this man of mystery. He's also probably one of the most attractive cartoons out there ever and most young girls who watched this show can probably agree, right? I mean this guy was a total daredevil with an unapologetic attitude. Like honestly, what a badass. Even his smile could melt your heart, imagine if he was inspired by a real person? If so where is he and who is he? It was kind of difficult not to wander into daydreams while watching this show. Serena's relationship with Tuxedo Mask or Darien is actually one of the most notable in Anime. What they had was real and we felt it. We also felt jealousy from it.
5 Éteindre la Lumiere
It doesn’t feel right apologizing for this crush so I’ll apologize for the puns in advance instead. Ok Lumiere is a stud – candelabra or not. Once you get past the fact that he has been cursed to be an inanimate object as an after thought, until his boss/master/prince bucks up and learns how not to be such an spoilt rich a**hole (can somebody say male privilege?), you’ll agree that he’s a scorcher too. Lumiere can literally do no wrong. He could be a flame for the rest of his life but he won’t let that put him out. A gentleman through and through he never forgets his manners and, despite his grim situation, he warms the entire castle with song and dance, and maintains hope for their collective humanity. Suspiciously the only Frenchman in a French castle, Lumiere dominates the game with the ladies – feather dusters, French maids, and viewers included –he is the Casanova of candelabras.
4 The Bunny that Beats my Drum
The energizer bunny's a goddamn patriot and a badass boss because he just carries around this huge drum and constantly looks like he's straight up ready to take Gettysburg. And normally you would associate someone who plays the bass drum with a marching band geek but that's what makes him so awesome. He literally marches to the beat of his own drum just like "fuck you I’m going to wear my baller sunglasses and flip flips and power electronics that need batteries!" All. Night. Say what you want about the furry pink bunny but he’s hot and I’d for sure cuddle up to him at night. Also aside for bunnies being a universal euphemism for sex, what other pink rabbits can we think of that is battery powered to beat a drum all night long? Are we talking about a family friendly advertisement or a vibrator, because honestly I’ve lost track.
3 Ooh! Kevin G!
That rap though. It get’s me every time. Kevin Gnapoor – the G is silent when he walks throught the door. He is arguably the biggest nerd and best character in the cult classic Mean Girls. I will even be so bold as to say that Kevin G is hottest male in the film. Cady can keep Aaron Samuels. The way he said “thang” unironically was definitely a highlight, and while it may not have worked for Kevin in the film, it definitely worked on me. The swaggy mathlete had mad game at 15, because that’s how old actor Rajiv Surendra was when he rapped the lines: “Make love to your woman on your bathroom floor. I don’t play it like Shaggy; you’ll know it was me, cause the next time you see her she’ll be like, ‘Ooh! Kevin G!’ ” That takes giant sized balls. Despite being in clique heaven and being relegated to the ‘Asian Nerd’ table – like that’s a bad thing *eyeroll* – Kevin is proud of his math chops and doesn’t let that stall his super human confidence. And of course there’s the added bonus of Rajiv Surendra being all grown up and the dreamiest of boat.
2 Draco Malfoy
While everyone was crushing on Harry Potter or Ron Weasley (ok maybe no Weasley but still), some of us were secretly into a more evil character, a darker soul if you will. It doesn't make us evil right? Any fan of this film series can probably admit to having some type of interest in Draco Malfoy, after all we pretty much watched him grow up. He stood out and stole the show with his light blonde hair that that uniquely perfect. While watching each film, we couldn't help but gawk at his slicked back hair, his bada$$ demeanor and his suave attitude. He knew what he was after and we were after him. Malfoy across our notebooks. We just went along with everyone else, not to be the weird one with an embarrassing crush, but now we can finally admit to it.
1 Mr. Clean
You all know the Mr. Clean jingle, right? If not, you've at least seen him before, right? The Mr Clean commercial played on our TVs in between our favorite shows and we couldn't help but want to see more of this mysterious bald man. This was a guy who was tough but still all about helping us clean our house. Ok it may be creepy, any way you think of it, it's creepy. But if any of you were into older cartoon men while growing up, now would be your chance to come forward and admit it. It's okay, it happens. We kind of liked him so much that we wanted him to have his own show. Ahh we would then be able to watch this mysterious man clean one house at a time, saving the world from dirt and grime. Okay maybe you didn't see him as a stud but you have to admit that there is a certain appeal he has, he also kind of looks like The Rock right?