Nights on the town always bring about some interesting people. You put a bunch of people together from various walks of life and shove them all into the same bar venue, you’re bound to saddle up to some interesting characters. And even as you see some crazy and expected people on a night out, there are always certain archetypes of a lot of the same people you come across. For example: there’s always a drunk guy, a guy who works out too much and wears a t-shirt that’s too tight, a guy who hits on every girl in the place, an old man regular who knows all the bartenders by name, and some dude who spends half his night in the smoke pit. The types of people you find in bars are part of what make nights out so entertaining to people watch, but also what makes for some potential social hazards, depending on the particular “bar type” and how annoying or aggressive they might be.
So for a group of ladies headed for a night out, here’s a roundup of 19 of the most common types of guys you’re bound to come across at the bar.
19 The Beer League Idiot
This dude likely stumbled into the bar after taking in an afternoon baseball game, or some other afternoon sporting event outside. He probably drank all afternoon in the sun (which is why his face is burnt red), ate hot dogs and corn dogs with way too much ketchup and mustard, and shouted random things that didn’t make any sense at the opposing team’s pitcher from the nosebleeds section. He then decided to keep the party going after his team lost — rocking a jersey with a giant beer spill on the crest along with his team’s hat for complete apparel overload — and now he’s fading like a drunken sunset by the bar with three full Bud Light’s in front of him. This guy — probably in town from the burbs where he plays on three recreational beer league teams — just shouts random things at the you from the other end of the bar, mainly just calling you over and asking if you saw the stupid game he was just at. Most of his sentences don’t make sense because his drunk is the perfect fusion of sun stroke, dehydration, and watered down beer. While slightly aggressive with his tone, he’s mainly just annoying and not a threat, largely in part because he’s way too lazy and drunk to move from the current place he’s standing. Like a big giant tree who won’t shut the f*ck up, you can’t wait until this guy staggers for the exit, where he will hop a $70 cab back to the suburbs where he belongs.
18 The Guys Who Don’t Get Out Much
Think of these guys as the bar virgins. Like Harold and Kumar, they’re wearing matching sweater vests and standing somewhere near a wall. First sign these guys don’t go out often? They’re drinking from a straw. No dude in his right mind will drink from a straw in public because it looks way too much like he’s searching for a cock in his cup. Not only that but he’s probably drinking some sort of girly cocktail, like a Mojito, which definitely pissed off the bartender when he ordered it. You see these guys and feel bad for them, because their whole night is going to consist of them standing in the same spot and talking to nobody but each other. Looking around the bar, they’re merely harmless bystanders just soaking in the vibe, quietly staring at the women like they’re alien characters out of their favourite comic books. They may make a move for the dance floor about halfway through the night, where they will stand on the periphery, and their only interactions with other people will be when some girl accidently steps on one of their feet and the other is accidentally elbowed by some frat dude during a rowdy dance move.
17 The Drunk Guy
Unlike the beer league idiot who only survives the first hour or two of the night and doesn’t move from his spot at the bar. This mother f*cker has endurance and likes to move around. Probably double fisting with two full drinks in his hand, eyes glazed into the back of his head, he’s staggering around the bar looking for nobody and nothing in particular. Pretty much all he’s doing is trying to move from object-to-object so he can lean and rest for a second to prevent him from falling over. All his buddies have either left the bar and went somewhere else (and conveniently never told him), or have just left him alone to stoop in his own drunken mess. That’s the big difference between the “drunk girl” and the “drunk guy” at the bar. The drunk girl has an entire team of friends surrounding her and taking care of her. But the drunk dude is all by himself, left alone by his friends who are now pretending they don’t know him. Amazingly this guy survives most of the night without falling over or getting kicked out. As long as you keep a clear distance, his drunken buffoonery should be nothing but a mild annoyance to your night out.
16 The Guy Who Works Out Too Much
Classic meat head. This guy is wearing a shirt that’s two sizes too small and with muscles five times too big for his frame. His hair is shaved to the skin on the sides to make his biceps look bigger, and if you asked him to lift his arms above his head you would see his belly button because his t-shirt is just that small. He’s drinking red bull vodkas with his other meat head friends and glaring around the bar like he’s looking for the dude who just did more weight than him on the bench press. The most interesting thing about him is his muscles. For him and his friends, the night is a success is if they’re the biggest guys in the place. They use sheer testosterone to impress you, showing off that they’re bigger, stronger, and more intimidating than every other guy in the place. All he does all night is drink red bull vodkas, when combined with his steroid use, will surely give him a heart attack in the near future. They just want to talk about the “fit” girls in the bar, while sharing lifting secrets and what they think the best protein drinks are.
15 The Grim Reaper
Long trench coat. Red wine stained teeth from drinking an entire bottle of red wine at the pre drink. Ever since the “no smoking in bars” law was passed this guy is rarely ever seen inside the actual bar because he’s going outside to smoke every ten minutes. Probably extremely drunk but in an introspective, intellectual, and dark sort of way. This guy is very observant, mainly standing on the periphery of his group of friends, and gliding throughout the bar like some sort of bookworm Batman. The only time you will probably ever actually talk to this guy if one of your drunk girlfriends wants to bum a smoke or needs a lighter. This guy is the natural person to ask because he looks like the kind of guy that has lungs made from tar. Probably quietly dragging from a cigarette on the sidewalk by himself, while he browses CNN’s website for updates. He’s likely got very striking opinions on politics, knows a lot about current issues going on in war torn countries, and really enjoys sci-fi movies. Unsurprisingly, this guy’s view on the world are a little dark and dystopian. While a bit weird, this guy is an interesting conversationalist and somebody that was enjoyable to talk to for the five minutes you were smoking that “once in a blue moon” cigarette you have when you’re drunk.
14 The Sleazy Searchers
These guys are often circulating the bar in pairs. From dance floor to bar, back to the dance floor and back to the bar again. These guys keep trying to find the areas of the bar where the most amount of hot girls are located. Funny thing is you’ll probably notice that these guys never actually talk to any girls. The type of guys who walk around the bar all night trying to find hot chicks — who then leave only to say there were no hot girls — when in fact they were just too pussy to actually talk to anyone. Their entire night basically entails of them taking turns leading the other from one bar to the other — taking a shot (which they don’t actually want or need) — until they end up too hammered to actually hold conversations with women. For which, they end up using as the excuse to why neither of them picked anyone up. “Man, I was way too drunk to pick anyone up!” or “Nah man, the girls here suck!” Yeah, the truth is you suck and there were tons of hot girls, just none that you had the courage to start a conversation with.
13 The Douche
This guy just has volatile energy. He’s creepy in a kind of sociopath sort of way. He will ruin your night faster than you can say the word “T-E-Q-U-I-L-A”. He’s rude, his eyes glazed and cold, drinking something with tequila or gin, which is making him more inappropriate with every sip. He’s simply in the bar to ruin people’s night. He makes inappropriate comments, stares at women in a way that actually makes them feel violated, and even grabs or slaps women in the ass after he’s had one too many. This guy just flat out sucks. He’s probably there with one other friend — either, an equally terrible counterpart, or someone who knows how awful he is but is far too passive to ever say something to him or come to a girl’s rescue. He drinks his drinks, walks around, snarling and gritting his teeth, probably wearing some sort of peacock outfit and rocking a giant chain placed outside his shirt on purpose. This guy is the kind of guy who actually has the potential to come into your personal space, so pretend like he already has a restraining order against you and star far, far away.
12 The Gentleman
You probably noticed this guy as soon as he walked into the bar. That’s because he probably came in holding the hand of the most beautiful girl inside the bar. That girl whose hair and outfit you’re completely jealous of. You look at this guy — being such a dutiful boyfriend to his beautiful girlfriend — always making sure she’s having fun and doesn’t need another drink, and instantly wish he was your boyfriend. He’s attractive in an Abercrombie sort of way, probably wearing some sort of collared shirt with a bird or an animal on the crest. He and his stunning girlfriend came with a pack of friends they all went to college with for someone’s birthday bash. That’s right, this guy is the type of guy who only comes to bars like this when it’s a special occasion. He probably graduated from an Ivy League school with a 4.0 and met his girlfriend during his Freshman year, and now works in the successful family business and has an impending inheritance that would turn any well-seasoned gold digger into a puddle of excitement. Yeah, this is the guy who you imagine would play Taylor Swift’s love interest in every single one of her music videos. You stare at this guy and his friends for a few minutes, day dreaming about what it would be like to date someone that perfect, and eventually snap back to reality after you convince yourself he’s probably super oatmeal and boring anyways.
11 The Guy Buying All The Drinks
This is the guy with all the money. Or at least the guy who appears to have the money. Standing by the bar, probably wearing a blazer and some sort of shiny watch and other accessories. He has a tab open and is trying to buy girls drinks left right and center. He’s the type of guy who thinks buying a girl a drink is all the foreplay that’s needed to get into her pants. He’s probably there with a couple of his sidekick friends who are just mooching off his family money, or some lucky business venture. This is the kind of guy who wants people to think he’s rich. He either didn’t have to work for his money, or he made his money in some extremely superficial way that brought absolutely zero good into the world. He and his friends are drinking stiff doubles most of the night, and this bar is probably the first of many stops for them on the evening’s agenda, as they probably intend on finishing the night with bottle service at the douchiest club in town where one of his friend’s manages.
10 The Funny Player Guy
You start talking to this guy. He’s attractive, charming, funny, and you know immediately that he comes to this bar every weekend and talks to girls just like you every time. You know, strictly based off how attractive and charming he is, that he gets laid a lot. And you know this very bar you’re at right now is probably where he gets most of his girls. Yeah, it’s not lost on you that this guy is 90% likely to be a player, but he’s actually extremely witty and funny, and makes you laugh out loud so you stick around and chat for a while. Your friends come over to see if you need to be rescued, and you shew them away, as you bite down on the straw of your drink and star deeply into his dreamy blue eyes. He probably has a well manicured full beard that you can’t help but admire. He tells you stories from his recent travels in SE Asia and some of his crazy adventures. He makes comments that lead to you gently slapping him and saying, “You probably say that to all the girls!” He will smile and playfully deny. This guy probably asks if you want to “hang out” after, but you have your wits about you enough to respectfully decline, but you do give him your number when you part ways. This is kind of guy that — if you ever were going to go through with a one-night stand — would probably be the guy you do it with. You know this guy is a player, but he’s charming and unique enough with his delivery, that you don’t even care.
9 The Off-Duty Suit
Every bar has a guy dressed in a suit. Even on a Saturday night, there is a guy who came straight to the bar from the office. Some corporate dude who works in banking or finance and has ridiculously long hours, until 9 or 10pm most nights. And has such a stressful, soul crushing job, that he just needs to get drunk afterwards to get a release. This guy starts off the night in full control — suit all together and well kempt in one piece — drinking some classy drink like a neat scotch. But as he gets more drunk throughout the night, he slowly shifts out of his high strung corporate mentality and downgrades to a common cheap beer on special like a Pabst Blue Ribbon. And before you know it, his suit jacket is off, his sleeves are rolled up and his shirt loosened at the neck, with his tie tied around his head like headband while he leads the entire dance floor in a ridiculous rendition of the Macarena.
8 The Approacher
This guy talks to every single girl the place. Probably a little drunk and wearing a backwards baseball cap or some other very dudeish attire. He scowers the bar making his rounds — for him going out and picking up is a numbers game. He’s not fazed by rejection; all he cares is about getting that one girl stupid enough to go home with him. This guy doesn’t rely on any sort of body language invitation that a girl is eyeing him before approaching, either — he sees a girl…just any ole girl…and b-lines right for her. It’s a little unnerving because this guy can totally overstep your personal space, getting in too close and lingering way too long. But the good thing is he’s easy to spot from a mile away, as you probably already saw him approach a million girls and strike out before coming up to you. And he wonders why nobody accepts his advances — he’s not subtle with his approach and shoots himself in the foot by approaching groups of girls all located closely together. Whatever it may be, this guy is harmless and will only be charming enough to impress the drunk girl or the girl who just showed up at the bar late and hasn’t witnessed his night of drunken floating and flirting with every girl in the place.
7 The Frat Boy Jocks
This group of guys are probably hanging around the back bar, ordering a bunch of shots. They probably all played on the same lacrosse or hockey team growing up. And that probably carried over to playing hockey or lacrosse in college as well, but for some B or C league school that was known more for its partying than its athletics. They probably were all part of some frat in college that was known for throwing the craziest parties. Now they probably all play in some competitive men’s league, and most of their rowdy nights out at the bar are with guys on their team to celebrate big team wins and rookie initiation nights. You see all these guys clumped together dropping shots like it aint no thang, and you can’t help but notice that these guys look like the physical definition of the word “bros”. All decently good looking in a jock sort of way, these guys love to drink, play sports, and pick-up women. For these dudes the objective of life is to SCORE — both on and off the field. For them, “hooking up” will usually consist of him and the buddy from his team double teaming a girl while simultaneously giving each other high-fives. While these guys are fun to party with, they’re the dude equivalent of “basic bitches”.
6 The Friendly Gay Guy
There’s always a friendly gay guy. This guy probably started talking to your group of girls out of the blue — marvelling at your outfit or hair that he just loved. He entertains your entire group of girls and you all love him immediately. He might be friendly and awesome, but it’s also such a huge relief to finally be around a guy that isn’t trying to get into your pants 24/7. But be weary: if you’re with guys at the bar, it’s likely that he’s just warming up to you so that he can get a closer look at the guys. You may find that he makes your male friends uncomfortable if he’s drunk and starts pinching them on the butt and asking about them. Regardless, as long as he’s not too forward with your male friends, he’s super entertaining, awesome, and makes for a better night for anyone that comes into contact with him.
5 The Pimp Drinkers
The pimp drinkers are a couple of guys leaning against the bar who are drinking their drinks slowly. Their elbows rest on the bar as they use the lower bar rail as a place to rest their foot, or they gently lean out with one of their feet gently atop, intertwining with the other. Probably drinking a beer or something like a gin and tonic or whisky and gingerale. They came to the bar to get a buzz on, talk to their friend, and stare at some eye candy. Unlike the sleazy searchers, they’re more comfortable being stationary at the bar and using it as a makeshift observation post. They are not overly drunk so they are usually polite and gentlemanly, they aren’t aggressive and “broish,” and picking up girls is not the sole focus of their evening. Usually the only time they will engage with you is if you come and saddle right next to them at the bar and make direct eye contact. For these guys, it’s a relaxed night out on the town to have a few drinks in a setting more exciting than sitting in front of their computer and scrolling around on YouTube and Facebook.
4 The Old Regular
Ever bar has that old guy regular. Often with his signature spot at the end of the bar. This guy knows all the bartenders by name and orders the same thing every time. This guy is often the never-been-married-before alcoholic who spends a few nights a week getting wasted, sitting at the same bar, in the exact same position every time, talking to nobody in particular other than the odd couple words to the bartender. This doesn’t move from his signature spot all night, other than a couple times to empty this bladder. He may try and speak a few random, misconstrued sentences that don’t make any sense. Or you may see him randomly blurt out a few lines to the old timer Rock and Roll song that’s currently playing over the speakers. When this man eventually passes on, the bar will probably pen a drink in his honor. While he’s weird, and lonely and you feel sorry for him, he’s friendly and completely harmless. All he wants to do is sit down, drink, and mind his own business, other than occasionally looking around to see what sort of new faces stumbled into what he now considers to be his home.
3 The Artsy Hipster
This guy looks like he’s a musician even though he’s probably never picked up a guitar in his life. Like some demented member of a boy band, this guy is wearing skinny black jeans, boots with his jeans gently tucked in at the bottom, a leather jacket, fedora, and about 20 hemp bracelets on each wrist. Drinking some sort of cider or craft beer, this guy oozes and breathes douchey, pompous, hipster energy. You don’t even have to ask to know he works in some sort of creative industry. Probably living in the hip part of town, barely being able to afford his cheap rent, this guy is a free spirit and is all about self-expression and flaunting his individuality. This guy is probably intellectual, and can hold a conversation, make you laugh, and entertain you for a while. If he were to tell you his dreams, they almost certainly include living in an industrial loft. But he doesn’t like to be tied down — much like a hemp tumbleweed — and probably just came to the bar with another creative friend to complain about their creative people problems and get drunk to hopefully encounter a creative breakthrough. While charming, this guy is a little too into arty things and is so hyper critical of everyone around him. Also, you really don’t think you have the patience to casually date someone for the next ten years while you wait for his creative passion project to finally take off.
2 The Out Of Towner
This guy is probably at the bar by himself. Probably is in town on some sort of work trip, and is the only guy on the work trip who isn’t married. He probably just ate dinner with some of the guys from the trip, and decided to stay out by himself to see what the town had to offer. He’ll probably ask you and your friends where the “it” spots in town are to party. He’ll whip out the Google Maps on his phone and ask you to guide him with specific directions. Either that or he’s making notes on his iPhone notepad. He wants such specific directions and asks so many questions that you can’t help but wonder if he actually wanted directions, or just an excuse to talk to you. While nice enough, you really wish you weren’t the one he approached to ask these annoying questions to. You also know that there’s the chance he will cling to you and your group of friends like a leech if you come across as too friendly and welcoming. So you politely tell him the places he should go, give him directions if he needs them, and scamper back off to your friends and sure as hell hope he doesn’t follow.
1 The Purse Holders
The purse holders are the whipped boyfriends in the bar. Usually the responsible boyfriends who are holding onto their girlfriends’ purses while they let their hair down and go a little crazy. He could be seen waiting outside the girl’s washroom for his girl to finish up, holding onto stacks of vodka sodas and cranberry vodkas for his girlfriend and her friends, or manning the table or booth and all the purses and drinks, while his girlfriend and her friends all crush the dance floor and get approached by random creepy dudes, while he has his head buried into his phone and checks sports updates. He’s respectful, and the more conservative half of a couple. His job usually ends up as him taking care of his girlfriend. You can just see this guy in five year’s time being the perfect DD husband for dinner parties, never having more than one or two beers and having a great old time talking about ropes and lawnmowers with all the other purse holding husbands at the dinner table. Then again, come to think of it, you really wish you had a man who was nice enough to hold onto your purse from time-to-time.