A majority of us have been there before: After a night of some serious partying, our beer goggles have gotten the best of us and we wake up next to someone we wouldn’t go home with under normal (or rather, sober) circumstances. Thoughts of how to get rid of them cloud your judgment the next morning and you contemplate how to get them the heck out or dodge them without you having to pull a Coyote Ugly (when you chew off your own arm in order to get away) because while that might safely get you out of the bed, they’re still sleeping in your space. We sympathize with you, so here are 15 surefire ways to send them on their little way without you having to sacrifice your arm in order to get rid of them.
15. The “I Love You” Trick
If we learned anything from Ted Mosby, the whiny little mouth-breather from How I Met Your Mother, it’s that nothing drives a person away faster than saying those three little words after you pretty much just met: “I love you”. Everyone knows that one guy who is so deathly afraid of commitment will bolt through the wall before you’re even able to utter that final word. You’ll find that this is a nifty little device to have in your “GET THE HECK OUT” arsenal without having to be crude. Chances are, the dude was looking for only a one nighter too, so when you lay these words down on the nightstand, it’s Adios time for the guy. But God help you if you happened to take home that one rare Ted Mosby bro – you might as well just up and jump out the window yourself.
14. “Sorry, But I’ve Got A Professional MMA Boyfriend”
Wanna know what works just as well as the “I love you” thing? Casually mentioning that your boyfriend, whom you are still with, happens to be a professional Mixed Martial Artist and he’s due back home at any minute. If you want to see a grown man suddenly act like a scared little girl, utter those words to him. Heck, if you’re a pro at this game, you can put up a framed picture of Conor McGregor on the nightstand after the dude falls asleep so it’s the first thing he sees when the morning light starts to peek into the window the next day. It’s entertaining as heck watching that terrified look of recognition cross his face as he gets up to get dressed in a flustered hurry to avoid the butt-kicking of the century. Try to suppress your fits of laughter, though. That’s a dead giveaway.
13. Political Standpoint
If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that family and friends can turn on each other at any given second if they’re standing on opposite ends of the political spectrum. I mean, seriously, you’d have to be a brain dead buffoon (or a tangerine tinted brain dead buffoon) in order not to see how divided our country currently is. This is a trick that you need to start prepping for the night before, however. If you’re attracted to someone and are thinking about taking them home for only one night, test their political boundaries while out for drinks so you can use it against them in the morning by taking the EXACT opposite opposition. Nothing screams “get the eff out” like saying “I voted for so-and-so” instead of the casual “good morning”.
12. “My Parents Will Be Home Any Minute”
This is super fun, especially if you’re a grown-a** adult living in a studio apartment. Think back to your teenage years when you finally had some alone time with your boyfriend/girlfriend and the look that crossed both your faces when you heard the dreaded “lock in key” noise which was the undeniable announcement that your parents were now home. Playtime is officially over. Well now imagine the look on their faces when you say the words “you might want to leave since my parents are on their way home” – it’s a look of confusion, pity, and panic. Though if they’re extra clever, they might be onto your little plan. Either way, you’re getting them out of the house without stopping or resorting to physical action by throwing them out of your place like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air style.
11. Time To Fake Sick
Hey, if you drank too much the night before, you may not even have to fake this one! Nothing makes someone move for the door so quickly than when they hear the sounds of someone being sick in the next room. They don’t want to have to take care of someone they literally just met, so come morning time, if you want to get them out of there in a hurry, start making it seem like you don’t feel well at all and make a mad dash for the bathroom. If they still aren’t taking a hint, start making those fake sick noises and tell them that it’s best to just leave and allow you to be fake sick in peace. If you really want to add to the experience, pour some water into the toilet while you’re faking those noises just to make it sound more authentic.
10. Fake Phone Emergency Call
We can’t leave out the “Best Of” classics from this list. Nothing gets someone moving fast like one of those fake emergency calls from who-the-heck-ever. A woman should always have one of these in place in case a Tinder date goes bad or something along those lines. It’s easy: just get a friend to call at a certain time, fake a wide array of fake emotions when you’re on the call (“WHAT? FLUFFY GOT RUN OVER BY A SEMI TRUCK?? THAT’S HORRIBLE!”) and explain to your one night stand that they need to vacate the premises so you can go be a fake shoulder for your friend to cry on. This is kinda tricky to pull off in the morning, so it’s always best to plan ahead and designate a friend the night before to be your wake up call – and yes, the earlier is always better.
9. Play The Geek Card
So you’ve woken up next to a troll, eh? Or, you’ve just realized the dude you brought home is a good-looking stud, but he has the personality of an ingrown toe-nail? Time to play your geek card. That’s right, usually, if you’re faced with the latter scenario, pull out your Deluxe Edition of Dungeons and Dragons and just see the look of dread cross their faces. Or just start talking about how your goal in life is to dress up as every single character from the Lord of the Rings franchise. Heck, you can even just randomly start quoting lines from Harry Potter anytime your one night mistake asks you, well, anything. That should hurry them along… unless, of course, you happened to pick up a nerd at the bar and brought them home.
8. Play The “I’ve Sobered Up… And Now You Don’t Look So Good” Card
This one can prove to be a little risky because it requires you to be a cold-hearted witch who can’t show any sort of emotion when you look them straight in the eye and honestly say “I think I’ve made a huge mistake now that I can see you in the light”. Oh, ouch. This truthful tactic is harsh as heck, but my God, does it work. Though you may cause some psychological damage on the poor guy, but really, who gives a crap? Men have been causing psychological damage to us for centuries so it’s about time we return the favor. Sure, it will suck the air out of the room, but you wanted him to leave the room anyway, right? Okay, so you can put it in a softer manner if you not looking to wreck them for life.
7. Blame Work In The Morning
Woo-hoo! Work never looked so pleasing as when you wake up from a one night stand you’re looking to abandon first thing in the morning. This one should always be used for when you KNOW you don’t want to see this guy in the long term so you start verbally prepping the night before. Simply tell the poor sucker that “I have to get up super early in the morning for work so it would probably be best if you sleep in your own bed later”. Make it sound like YOU’RE the one who doesn’t want to inconvenience him by waking him up at an early hour when in reality, you just want to sleep by yourself (actually sleeping is more intimate than the act before so hey, you’re in the right).
6. When All Else Fails, Just Be Freaking Mean
We have the witch-card up our sleeve for a reason. Usually, we break it out when some idiot won’t stop harassing us, so you play the card with the intent of driving the moron away. We can also use this very card to drive away a pesky one night stand who has set camp in our beds. Sure, for some people this comes easier than for others, but that’s usually because, basically, we are cold and dead inside and being mean to someone who just can’t take a hint is a form of entertainment for us. You should probably tell it like it is in order to scoot them a little faster out that door and lace your words with bitter facetiousness that would make Darth Vader shed a single tear. Only break out this little talent if you’ve run out of options, however.
5. Just Ignore Them
You know what’s worse than being sarcastically brutal? Silence. Absolute and utter silence complete with lingering looks of annoyance. Nothing is scarier, trust me. Why do you think Robin Wright’s character on House of Cards is so threatening? She can frost a room just by walking into it and ironically still for about a minute. Sure, Kevin Spacey is frightening in a “pervert spook who tried too hard in drama class and now is undressing you with his eyes” sort of way, but Wright is the one who can send chills down your spin without unwanted touching. Do yourself a favor and just play like Claire Underwood and ignore them when they try to engage in uncomfortable morning small talk or stare daggers at them until they’re sheepishly trying to make an escape.
4. Overact, Over Dramatize, Over Scare
Basically, just pretend like you’re a junior in high school and overdramatize every little thing that comes out of your mouth until you scare them away. Meaning, be so obnoxious that they will never want to set eyes on your face for at least five lifetimes. Overemphasize your vocabulary and even correct their own vocabulary (even when they’re saying something correctly) in a blatant and annoying fashion. And if they attempt to correct you, pretend to sob and throw yourself on the bed like a flabbergasted Disney princess. You’ll confuse them so hard that they’ll have no choice but to walk away from this bizarre psycho. Though, if you do happen to run into them later down the line, it’s best to keep up the charade – just to amuse yourself.
3. Be Selfish In The Bedroom Beforehand
Again, this is for when you know you never want to see this person again. So what do you do? Well, frankly, you just get yours. Selfishness in bed is a common thing when it comes to men, so why shouldn’t women be selfish some of the time? Sure, we have the right to be selfish in that department because we typically deal with bedroom selfish dudes most of the time anyway. So, if you’re looking for a clean break in the morning, do whatever it takes to make sure YOU have a good time while leaving him on the hook. Of course, this will confuse them to a point, but who cares in the end anyway if you’re planning on a long-term thing? Heck, they might not even wait until morning to leave so you lucked out and got some AND you get to get some peaceful sleep as well.
2. Talk To Them Like They’re An Idiot
Want to make a person feel so annoyed that they HAVE to simply walk away? Talk to them like you’re talking to a three-year-old child, or, even worse, belittle them in order to drive them away. Now, this is considerably worse than actually being rude and/or mean to the person currently sweating all over your 800-thread count sheets, but you’re looking for the 1-2 punch here, and treating someone like a moron is one way to close the deal and send them along their way. Is it moral? No, but there really are no rules in the moral department when you’re looking to take someone home for a single night and wish for them to bounce soon afterward. Use small words in order to hint that you want to watch them walk away, and be sure to point out that you feel the need to use small words with this particular bedbug.
1. When All Else Fails – Recruit A Friend
Everything is better when you involve friends, especially if you’re involving them in your escape plan. I mean, what desperate woman HASN’T called upon a friend to help them out of a jam before? This is no different. You want to lose the dude, so you recruit the help of your friends. In this case, if I am looking to shoo a gentleman out of my bed, I enlist the help of one of my guy friends. The friend comes over, pretending to be a boyfriend, and acts all shocked and dismayed that I would cheat on him in such a fashion. Heck, I even love doing this with my friends who happen to be women who come over and do the same exact thing (though, that can backfire if the one nighter dude is tricycle obsessed). It’s guaranteed they’ll slink out the door if they fear getting punched by an upset boyfriend.
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