We're just gonna say it: poop.
It's unsanitary. It's disgusting. It's a normal part of life. And sometimes it's funny.
Why do we think it's funny? Well, maybe it's not the poop itself (although we're not experts on the matter or anything), but it's probably more to do with the situation behind the poop than the human byproduct. Like maybe there's a story where someone had a baby who's diaper just exploded everywhere, or maybe another one where a dog makes a cute poop and accidentally sits on it. Whatever the case may be, there are an awful lot of poop jokes, and an awful lot of poop stories to accompany them for laughter and sobs everywhere.
And when we say sobs, we mean sobs - not that we take pleasure in someone else's pain or anything, but sometimes the stories are just so...funny! Like we feel bad for the person, but at the same time it's too funny to not laugh, even though they're probably having like the worst day of their entire life.
Truthfully, a lot of people seem to have these stories - you can find just about any of them online if you Google real quick. But you don't have to do that, because we've collected the fifteen best and most hilarious poop stories for you entertainment. So read on and be grateful that these experiences didn't happen to you - you might have had some terrible memories, but at least you haven't crapped your pants, right?
15 Crappy Date
"I took a pill to help my constipation situation, and it kicked in while I was ON A DATE. I went to the bathroom 7 times. He thought I was insane. I couldn't possibly explain that I was actually having a great time, I just had to multitask and do 5 days worth of shitting in between dinner courses. Eventually, I just had to pull a ninja escape and called him from the cab. The jig was up. I had to confess. He was silent but I could tell he was covering the phone laughing. Because he tried so hard to be a gentleman about it, we went on some more dates. I swore him to secrecy but there's no way his buddies don't know the story [would you be able to keep it a secret if you were in his shoes?]."
- Benjaminallover, Jezebel
14 Blame It On The Dog
"I went to a basketball game with my fiancé and on the way home as soon as we pulled on to the main road I started to feel that rumble in my tummy. We stopped at a gas station and there was NO PUBLIC TOILET! We tried another gas station. NO PUBLIC TOILET! I finally decided we could make it home, but I started having the worst cramps of my life. We stopped at a grocery store, and I took off my pantyhose in anticipation, but before my fiancé could get me to the bathroom, I lost control and started leaving droppings on the floor. He finally pushed me into the family bathroom, where I exploded for a good five minutes. When I came out my fiancé just took my arm and hurried me out. When we got into the car he said, 'It’s good that you came out, because a lady stepped in it and the store manager was starting to follow the trail to find the dog someone smuggled in.'”
- hollyr4beb8d1a4, BuzzFeed
13 Poopy Purse
"I am a confident, calm and self assured woman...so I felt comfortable pooping in his bathroom. This was a mistake. His toilet did not flush properly. So, of course, like any calm, confident, self assured woman. I panicked. And flushed it a million times, making everything worse. By this point, I was really frantic because I had been in there for too long. There was only one single piece of poop. So in that moment something came over me. And I knew exactly what I had to do. I got toilet paper and removed the one poop from the toilet. Once that was done I realized I didn't have a plan. What do I do with it now? I can't fucking leave it there. By this point I was REALLY freaking out because I'd DEFINITELY been in there too long. So, again, making another horrible decision. I did the only thing I could think to do. I wrapped it in multiple layers of toilet paper and put it in my purse. After a few hours, he used the washroom and I heard it flush. So I brought my purse up to the washroom, unwrapped the poop, prayed to every god I know, put it in, and flushed. By the grace of God, it worked."
- @_biotty, Twitter
12 Hit The Fan Wall
"I was having breakfast at my friend’s parents’ house and I’m not good with 2% milk. I was sitting on the front brick wall with my friend and felt a fart coming on. I thought it was just a fart but boy was I wrong. I turned to my friend with a look of fear and said, 'I just shit myself.' She thought I was kidding but looked over and it was literally running down the brick wall. She of course yells to her mom, 'Michele just shit her pants!!' and her mom yelled, 'She is not coming in the house like that, hose her off out back!!' So I’m on the side of the house with no shorts or underwear on as my friend is laughing and uncontrollably spraying me with water. To top it off, her cocker spaniel runs up and takes my soiled underwear and runs around the yard proud as can be."
- michelek11, Buzzfeed
11 Party Pooper
"One of my good friends was having a house party and we were play drinking games. Several rounds later when I should’ve stopped, a bong made out of a Powerade bottle was brought out and several people, including myself, took a few hits. Shortly after, I remember feeling really sick and went to the bathroom to throw up. My friend threw me into her housemate’s bed (who I’d been hooking up with occasionally) with only my underwear on because I’d refused to put any other clothes on. Fast forward a few minutes and I realize I have to poop. Unfortunately I’m so inebriated at this point that I can’t move, so I lay there in the housemate’s bed shitting myself. I wake up the next morning to the mortification that I’ve shit in this guy’s bed. When I asked if I could help clean up after the party because I felt so bad, all he could mutter to me was 'Shit happens'”.
- Anonymous, FaceBook
10 Worst Field Trip Ever
"We were visiting a place called Sliding Rock on my seventh grade field trip to North Carolina, which is pretty much a big natural water slide made of rock. I was standing in line waiting to slide down when suddenly my bowels felt that they needed to be moved. So, in accordance with the girls’ bathroom buddy system, I asked my friend to come with me. The bathroom was locked, but at that point my poop was touching cloth and I could not hold it in much longer. My friend told the counselor that I had to ~GO~ to the bathroom, hoping she would help us find one. My counselor said: 'Just go down the rock slide - it’ll all come out naturally!' That was not an option. The last thing I would do was go down the slide and stand up at the bottom with a big turd hanging from my bathing suit bottoms. I had to improvise, for the sake of my reputation. Thinking quickly, I found the nearest ashtray and pulled down my bottoms and let it all out. It only took about 30 minutes for all the kids in my grade to find out that I was the one who delivered the big brown gift sitting in the ashtray. And that’s how I got stuck with the nickname Smokey Butt."
- Delaneym468fbf44d, BuzzFeed
9 Frijoles Crapoles
"Back when my ex and I were dating, I was really weird about pooping around him and his family. They were super white, and they were all so thin and wispy that I was convinced no one in his family ever pooped. So I'm hanging out and I realize that my tia's frijoles are causing a mammoth sized poop that is threatening to escape my butt at any minute. My ex runs to get something out of the garage and I race to the bathroom and do the doo. Thinking I had sneakily avoided notice, I flush the toilet. It refuses to go down. There isn't a plunger in sight, so I am forced in my panicked state, to break up the poop and toilet paper with my hand to avoid detection. I was the poop ninja. It cost me nothing but my dignity."
- sarcasticandshortsighted, Jezebel
8 Dog Dumped On My Homework
"I used to be a TA, and I had just finished grading a huge stack of final papers for my class. I piled them neatly on the floor next to my backpack for the next day. When I woke up, my dog had, of every god damned place in the whole house, taken a huge, juicy shit right on top of the stack of papers. The shit was so juicy, it ran down the side of the papers. I was in shock. What do I do now? After staring in utter dismay at the shit covered papers, I begin frantically cleaning them off the best I can. Because the poop was so juicy, every single page of every single paper had a little poop, but the one on the top had it worst. I did the best I could, put them in a bag, and brought them to class. When I got to the class, the professor saw the brown on the papers and said, 'Spilled coffee, huh?' as he wiped at the stain on the top paper. I was mortified. After a stunned second, I nodded vigorously. Yes... coffee... not dog shit at all. When I think about it, I'm still horrified that an entire class touched dog poop that day."
- tsyra, Jezebel
7 Literal Poop Bucket
"I was once a DJ. On my way to working an event in Westchester, I got really sick while driving. I have a really bad stomach and of course I was drinking a huge coffee and smoking, which made things worse. My assistant was sitting in the passenger side, watching me turn white, sweating and almost crying. If I could just get to the event hall, I would be ok! Then? dead-stop-traffic on the George Washington Bridge. *It* was coming and I was desperate. I jumped out of the driver's seat, told my horrified assistant to take my place, got in the backseat, grabbed my niece's sand bucket that she left in the back after a beach outing, and shit in the bucket. In the backseat of my car, on the GWB. I wrapped the bucket in a plastic grocery bag and tossed it as far as I could, missing, of course, clearing the side of the bridge. So there it stayed. I guess. Still mortified to this day. Assistant is still my friend!"
- Burnerbecausegross, Jezebel
My husband, dog, and six-week-old baby and I were on a road trip from Texas to Michigan. I hadn’t pooped in those six weeks after her birth. Suddenly, in the Middle of Nowhere, Missouri, I felt the urge to poop. I yelled at my husband to find a toilet, but there was no place to pull over because we were in the middle of nowhere on Highway 55. All of a sudden, I felt it squeezing out of my clenched butt cheeks. I screamed at him to pull over and when he finally did, I let loose on the side of the highway. The dog kept trying to escape out of the car, so I was literally holding the dog back while shitting my brains out. Meanwhile, the baby is screaming to be fed, my husband is handing me at wipes from the back of the car (laughing his ass off as he’s doing so), and I’m scared a cop is going to nail me for indecent exposure. Now, every time we make that drive, we take a picture of mile marker 55 on Highway 55!
- Katie VanDerWal, BuzzFeed
5 Don't Let The Cat Out Of The Bag
"I was on a date and ended up staying the night at my date's house. In the morning, he and his roommate were taking forever in the sole bathroom and I really, really needed to poop. It was like 6am and the nearby businesses were closed. There was heavy snow on the ground and I didn't know where my shoes or clothes were, only had on a t-shirt and panties. I was sweating and shaking, curled into the fetal position on the ground, hoping the date and his roomie would be done with the bathroom until I literally couldn't wait any longer. My options were 1)Bust into the bathroom and take a massive dump in front of the two dudes. 2)Find a plastic grocery bag to poop into and try to dispose of it somehow. 3)Run outside and poop in the yard. I ran outside to the yard and pooped in the snow behind a bush, then I buried it like a cat."
- Gnomi Malone, Jezebe
4 Pickle Surprise
"I shit my pants last week. I don't know if anyone has ever seen the 4chan greentext about pickle shits, but I have learned that it actually might be true. I was eating the last of the pickle chips in the bottom of a jar, and ended up drinking about an inch or two worth of pickle juice to get to them. About 20 minutes later, I started to feel not so hot. A couple minutes later, I farted and realized things felt very warm. I got up, announced that I probably shouldn't have trusted that fart, and hobbled to the bathroom to confirm that I had, indeed, shit myself. Just liquid. Apparently that quantity of vinegar just runs right on through human intestines because I sat there crapping liquid for several minutes. Threw the underwear away while my husband laughed his face off. He hates pickles so it was the perfect karma in his book."
- Frikineh, Jezebel
3 Sick Babies Aren't Much Fun
"Back in the good ol' days when people used mercury thermometers, my infant son had a bad cold/fever. I had to keep track of his temperature because - in case you don't know - high fevers can be dangerous for infants. So there I was holding the Vaseline-lubed thermometer in his tiny little rectum, and this adorable infant shits the Shit Of The Ages. Right into my hand. I had an overflowing handful of shit. And all I could think was, 'I wonder if this will change the accuracy of the thermometer reading?' Then I had to shout at my husband for help because I was securing a nekkid baby on my lap with one hand and had a handful of shit in the other hand. And the shit was dripping everywhere. And the baby was getting squirmy. Fourteen years later, that kid can still shit like a World Champion."
- JaneEyre27, Jezebel
2 Never Trust A Fart
"Once I had a lady problem that required a trip to the Doctor because over the counter meds weren't cutting it. So I leave work to drive to the Gyno. I think I have to fart, but instead manage to accidentally shit myself while driving on the highway. In my panic, I also manage to drive into a construction area and hit an orange sign. I have to pull over and make sure my car is ok, big scrape on the front corner. I finally get off the highway and realize I still have a key to my parents house nearby. Luckily no one is home and I clean up in their bathroom. I finally make it to the Gyno and the nurse says my blood pressure is really high. I told her I was having a bit of a stressful day. Long story short, I'm glad I was still going to the Gyno by my parents house."
- Meezer5, Jezebel
1 When in Peru...
"Let me set the scene: Peru, January 2012, at my wifes (at that point GF) uncles apartments rentable roof patio, in the midst of her cousins birthday. At some point I had to drop a deuce, so I head to the bathroom, foolishly not checking the TP situation. As I'm finishing up, I realize to my horror the lack of TP, of which I am in desperate need (I mentioned Peru, right?). In my desperation I rip some small pieces of foam padding off the inside of a cushion (I honestly can't remember what it was on) and put it in the trash, which is totally empty to expose my shame. Did I mention this is my first time meeting her extended family? She still doesn't know what I did to this day, who knows if I will ever tell her."
- Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again., Jezebel
Sources: Twitter, BuzzFeed, Jezebel