Let’s face it: usually having a roommate is a necessity and not so much a choice. For the lucky few of you who are psyched out of your minds to be living with your BFFs and doing life together each and every day, well done! You go, Glen Coco! This article probably isn’t for you, because the rest of us? We just need to pay rent and most of the time we can’t do it alone. Enter strangers from the Internet sharing living space, eating, pissing, and doing who-knows-what behind closed doors in close proximity to where we do all those things as well. Sometimes we get lucky and we gain a new friend, and other times we gain a nemesis, which makes for a miserable few months between leases. Even in the best roomie situations, however, there are times when simply having another human in the household straight up sucks. Here are 15 times having a roommate is the WORST! From an impromptu kitchen counter romp to being stranded without toilet paper, sometimes the things we’ll do to save on rent drive us nucking futs!
15 When You Have A New Lover
Whether you’re in a new “friends with benefits” type situation, you’re on a Tinder rampage, or you just started a bonafide relationship with your could-be future husband, the beginning stages are not all that roommate friendly. Your night may start off with an innocent cuddle sesh while watching Friends on the couch, but it won’t be long before your bra is hanging from the ceiling fan and bodily fluids are, ahem, exchanged. Inevitably just as things are getting steamy, the roomie will walk in with a ginormous bag of groceries and big plans for binge watching Netflix with a bowl of pungent tuna salad in the living room.
14 When Your Roommate Has A New Lover
Depending on the type of Craigslist ad you penned, chances are you aren’t the only one living it up in the romance department. When the roommate starts a new fling, shit gets real. Suddenly you’re scared when you hear the shower turn on (um, how long you guys gonna be in there? I, like, really have to pee..) and simple things like touching the doorknob suddenly makes you think twice. Plus, there are all the worst case scenarios to consider! What if new guy/gal decides to unofficially become roommate numero tres? What if they think it’s okay to eat your leftovers? WHAT IF THEY SLEEPWALK NAKED?
13 When She Is Judgey As F
News flash: people lie when interviewing for any position, but especially when it comes to living situations. Perhaps when she said, “I’m a really laid back person, and I hate drama!” she meant, “My last roommates complained that I was way too uptight and dramatic, so I’m going to make sure these guys don’t think the same!” The only thing worse than a roomie with no sense of personal space with their sexual partners, is the roomie who passes judgement on yours. Getting the side-eye over cereal in the morning as you’re trying to get new guy to gracefully exit is not my idea of a good time. Also, I’m not trying to get shamed as I devour carton number two of Ben & Jerry’s when things don’t quite work out with that dude from the other night as she prances out the door in her Lululemons to pilates.
12 When You’re Out Of Toilet Paper
Roommates have been known to not see eye-to-eye on the toilet paper issue - does the flap go over or under? If the roll is almost out, do you replace it right away or use it to the end? How many plies is enough plies? But when it comes to dropping a deuce when your roommate didn’t even think to leave another roll under the sink, it’s time to battle. It’s the simple code of courtesy - one never leaves another stranded after a number two without a single tissue to speak of! That's just rude.
11 When You Don’t Have A Dishwasher
The truth is, if you’re unfortunate enough to have an apartment that wasn’t equipped with a dishwasher, you’re bound to run into problems. Whether she’s a forgetful Franny who leaves water cups on the bookshelves, in the bathroom and on the balcony, or she loves cooking elaborate meals that use every utensil in your kitchen but is too exhausted by the conquest to wash them afterward, you’re screwed. The mountain of dishes will sit there clogging the drain and blocking the water source until you a) clean them for her because you need to cook your own damn food or b) wait until she decides she wants to start the process all over again. Either way, you’ll end up putting away her clean dishes, so just accept it now.
10 When Your Door Latch Doesn’t Work
Have you ever noticed how almost every apartment in history has a broken ice machine, a non-functioning printer, and a door latch that doesn’t work? Well, the third becomes especially troublesome in the bathroom and when you have a dog. There’s no way to know if someone is in the bathroom as the broken latch renders locks useless, and when your dog likes to let itself into your bedroom with a simple push of the door, you might just get caught ass up in crumpled bedding. Sure, you may be able to hang an occupied sign on the bathroom door, but impromptu romp sessions don’t leave time for reining the dog in first. At least you tried to close it to begin with?
9 When She Has A Pet You HATE
Speaking of dogs, even the biggest pet-lover in the world has that one breed they hate. Whether it’s the slimiest, gassiest of bulldogs or the yappiest, nippiest of chihuahuas, you’re not always going to love your roomie’s pet. There will be fur everywhere, potential cat scratches on the furniture, and always, without fail, accidents on the carpet. When you can’t stand the pet and your roomie has out of town plans, you know you’ll be the first she asks to be on pet-sitting duty. Just be prepared when agreeing to live with a pet-owner that it can get pretty tricky.
8 When Your Walls Are Paper Thin
Even the most considerate of roommates can’t help the structure of the building they live in. When your walls are paper thin, nothing is sacred. Every phone call to her long distance best friend, each heated argument with her overbearing mother, every karaoke dance party to Miley Cyrus and, of course, every single moan (with or without new guy from #2) is public knowledge as far as the apartment is concerned. On a good morning maybe you’re brought out of the REM cycle by the blaring of an alarm clock, and on a slightly less enjoyable morning you’re rudely brought to consciousness by the couple in the next room bringing each other to completion.
7 When You Want To Cook Dinner
When you’re sharing space with someone else who isn’t intertwined with your every plan as, say, a significant other might be, sharing the kitchen can be hard. Let’s say you had your heart set on a beautiful Asian fusion meal complete with fried egg rolls and hand-wrapped sushi rolls all crafted to perfection in your mind all day. You head straight to the specialty store on your commute home from the office and even manage to carry all your bags inside in one trip, only to find your roomie spread out across the entire kitchen making a full steak dinner while she chats - nay, yells - at her boyfriend on the phone over the clanging of pans, leaving you to feast on packaged Ramen noodles and hide in your bedroom.
6 When Your Alarms Go Off At the Same Time
Most of the time your schedules don’t synch up, but every once in awhile they do and it’s at that moment you realize how important your first-thing-in-the-morning BM really is to the quality of your day. Not only are you missing prime pooping time as she takes her sweet ass time in the shower, but now you’re not going to have time to blow dry your hair and naturally you scheduled a date for happy hour straight after work. Go figure. Hope he’s into the whole au naturale frizzball look! The worst part? She never has to leave before you do!
5 When You Work The Night Shift (Or Vice Versa)
On the other hand, if you have complete opposite schedules, you run into totally different problems. Like, when you sleep in until noon so you’ll have energy during your graveyard shift and she’s making protein smoothies in the blender at 6am before her morning bootcamp. You’re starving when you finally return home, so you get to work in the kitchen while she tries to get her beauty rest and sends you passive aggressive texts about really needing to get some sleep as you chop your onion even harder.
4 When She Thinks The Living Room Is Her Room
Slowly but surely shared spaces like the kitchen, bathroom, and living room become less of a sacred shared space to be kept pristine and more of a weird extension of her bedroom. Suddenly there are sweatshirts draped over the couch, hair straighteners, curlers, brushes, and every imaginable type of powder sprinkled across the bathroom, and a bicycle that never gets used taking up the entire patio. Sure, you leave your razor and shampoo in the shower, and sometimes your running shoes end up under the coffee table, but does she really need a change of clothes on every single surface?
3 When She’s A Freak About Money
Money issues are the worst issues, am I right? It makes everything from going to dinner (omg, is she going to tip? She “forgot” her wallet? She’s never going to pay me back, is she?!) to buying shared household items difficult. Not only does she not want to get screwed over financially, but she’s also 100% cool with you getting screwed over in the money department. This usually manifests itself by her never replenishing the paper towels or toilet paper stock, and never, ever volunteering to set up something like wireless Internet or the gas and power account.
2 When She Drunk Munches On Your Food
We get it. Drunk munchies are totally a thing, and to a certain extent we give our friends a bit of a pass when it comes to their dumb drunk actions, right? But what if your roommate likes to drink a lot and when she does, her first thought is to rummage the fridge, and YOUR shelf in the fridge for that matter. You set your boundaries from day one. This shelf is yours, this shelf is mine, spices are up for grabs, but when alcohol comes into the mix all boundaries go out the window. It might just be time to drunk-proof the refrigerator and cabinets, because waking up to find your leftover pizza box full of crumbs on the counter, with no trace of the pizza that previously inhabited it is not a good feeling.
1 When She Tries To Hijack Your Friend Group
When you first meet your roommate and it seems like love at first sight, your first instinct is to bring her into your squad immediately! You’re all best friends forever and nothing could bend your unbreakable bond, right? Wrong! Suddenly numbers 1-14 kick in and you’re seeing her true colors, but now it’s too late. She knows your buds and your buds are none the wiser, so she makes plans with them before she even consults you, and the next thing you know, you can never get away from her! She’s EVERYWHERE!