If you say 'swimsuit shopping' to a woman, she will feel several different emotions rush through her body just at the thought – insecurity, anxiety, stress. Swimsuit shopping is a difficult process. Not only do women have to deal with all of the normal issues of shopping, like finding the correct size and dodging annoying salespeople, but there’s the added factor of it being swimsuit shopping.
Swimsuits are a sticky subject because it’s the least amount of clothing you’ll be wearing in public. No matter what you’re insecure about it, it’ll be on display. If you hate your legs, you won’t have the luxury of wearing jeans or a maxi skirt. If your butt is flat, that flat bum will be on display for everyone to see. Whether it’s the fact that you don’t have a flat stomach, big breasts or a thigh gap, it will be out there for the world to see. Oh, the horror.
Of course, we’re all beautiful and perfect the way we are but it’s sure hard to remember that when you’re having a mini mental breakdown in the dressing room. Below are the fifteen thoughts you’ll probably go through while you’re swimsuit shopping. We know swimsuit shopping sucks, but it’s the first step to going to the beach, pool or on vacation so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
13 Has My Body Ever Seen Daylight?
Is it possible that you’ve always been this pale? It seems like your body has never seen daylight and has never been tanned. Ever! You couldn’t have gotten this pale just by spending all of fall and winter inside, could you have?
Since tanning is horrible, you’ll have to get a spray tan or buy those expensive tanning towels from Sephora. You’re quickly calculating just how much it’s going to cost to make you look a little less like Casper and a little more like Blake Lively. How does she always, always have that Californian glow? Ugh, seriously though, how are celebs tanned year round? Well, yeah, they can totally afford spray tans year round so there’s that.
Thankfully, no one is around to see how transparent you are in this moment. You'll get a tan somehow before you're seen in this swimsuit.
12 I Need A Bikini Wax, Asap
Oh, you’ve forgotten just how tedious wearing a bikini can be. The bikini area must be in tip top shape. Fall and winter are good to you in that aspect. You only have to worry about bikini grooming in the event that you’re getting lucky and in that case, you’re more than happy to groom your lady bits for your lucky suitor. In fact, some people are just fine with not grooming before intimacy and gold stars for that. But remember you do run the risk of scaring him off.
However, it’s generally expected that you’ll be well groomed when you are in public, especially since you'll be in a bikini. Hair down is not for strangers to see. The dread of having to shave your pubic hair just so you can take a dip into the pool washes over you. Hello, razor burn. Hello, the pain of a bikini wax.
Ugh, I Have To Start Shaving My Legs Again
Oh, great. As if having to trim up the bikini area wasn’t bad enough, you look down to your legs and remember that you haven’t shaved them since October. It’s time to start shaving your legs on the regular again. Think of the cost of razors and the time it takes for you to get that smooth AF shave. Maybe you should consider waxing them, but are you up for the possible pain that comes with it.
For a moment, you consider that you may like winter and fall more than summer and spring. Your leg hairs can grow to be five inches long and no one, other than those you’re most intimate with, would know. But they should never know. In fact your partner should never even know you've ever had hair grow on your legs. You were born hairless! Then you remember that winter is cold, like so cold that you hibernate and watch Netflix most of the time. You actually reason that you grow your leg hair in the winter to keep you warm. Summer means vacations, sunshine and fun with friends. There are some pros to summer, even if it means you have to start shaving on the reg again.
11 I Look Pretty Good
You know what? You look pretty damn good. In fact, you thought the damage done from the winter months of Grubhub and Netflix would be worse. Maybe, skipping all those spin classes was, dare you say it, kind of okay. If you just keep to this one angle, you look tall and lean. Focusing on your posture is great and if you stand tall and proud, maybe even on your tippy toes, you can give off the illusion that you are tall and very, very lean.
You’re going to feel good as hell on the beach this summer, even if your thighs touch, you have a little bit of a belly, your breasts are naturally perky and big, your butt is on the flatter side and your arms giggles. Everyone is human, right? Only Gigi Hadid and Bella Throne have absolutely perfect beach bodies. Most normal people are flawed a tad. You're flawed and you’re okay with that. You’re totally into body positivity right now in this moment until…
Wait, I Don't Look Good
You don’t look as bad as you though you would, but you don’t look nearly as great as you’d like to. You think of your BFF Danielle, who has a seemingly perfect body. She's a beach goddess, with beautiful bronzed skin, a flat stomach, and legs that go on forever. Her hair even does that beach wave thing. You simply cannot be seen in a bikini next to her. Maybe you can ask her sit a few feet away.
Ugh, and what if that guy you’ve been seeing sees you in a bikini? Sure, he’s seen your body in the intimacy of your bedroom with the lights out. He cannot see you in broad daylight, on the beach next as all your flaws are on display and you're next to perfect best friend. If anything your flaws are highlighted on the beach.
Why do swimsuits have to exist any way? Can’t we all do the whole thing the way they did in the 1920s and wear like a blanket to the beach or something.
10 I’m Going To Eat Clean And Work Out
It’s still early. You can eat clean and work out. You’ll be beach ready in no time, maybe even in a few weeks. That one blogger you follow on Instagram is always doing juice cleanses. You’ll do a juice cleanse and stay away from Chipotle for a while and bam, you’ll be beach body ready.
Wait, does juice cleanse mean just drinking juice? That’s insane. You can’t do that. If you miss your afternoon snack, you get lightheaded. You can start working out, but maybe just watching YouTube videos because those spin classes are super expensive. But, then you think about working out in your apartment and you know that your downstairs neighbor will complain if you work out, wouldn't want to bother them.
Suddenly, you feel trapped in this body that you have. Damn you, jiggly parts!
9 Actually, I’m Just Going To Skip The Beach
Well, if there is absolutely no way for you to magically transform your body in a week, maybe it’s just better if you skip the whole swimsuit thing this summer. If you don’t take vacation and don’t take advantage of your apartment’s pool, you won’t even need to be in a swimsuit, ever. You can put this bikini back and forget about your thighs that touch and how pale your skin can get. Everything will be right with the world again.
This summer will be one of those professional advancement summers, where you work out a lot. You become such a gym buff that people will actually come to you for advice. You can even post before and after pictures. Maybe you’ll even move to another apartment building so you aren’t even tempted to go into the apartment pool. Yeah, that all sounds like a great plan. Screw swimsuits.
8 JK, I’m Going To The Beach All Summer
Wait, what the actual hell were you thinking? There is no way you are not going to the apartment pool this summer. It hits 100 degrees some days and with the humidity, you feel like you are actually melting. You need the pool.
You hustle hard between work, paying off your student loans and all-round just trying to do life. Where is the justice in you not sipping some rosé by your apartment pool? Where is the justice in you not taking one single vacation this summer, even if it’s just to a beach two hours away? You’ll be damned if your toes don’t touch the sand once this summer. You need to live it up!
You’ll just have to figure something out. There is a way around this conundrum of not wanting to wear the swimsuit but wanting to do the swimsuit things. You’re a smart girl. You even got Miranda once in a Sex and the City quiz. Of course, you never told anyone about that because no one wants to be Miranda, but she is the smartest one so it was kind of a compliment.
7 Should I Try Another Style
Maybe, I’ll just try another style. Another style might be the answer to your problems.
Maybe a one piece will make it appear that you have abs. Maybe a high-waisted bottom will make your cellulite disappear. Maybe a tankini will make that floppy arm skin less noticeable. Yes, yes, another style is exactly what you need.
Of course, you grab another style and, while it may look wonderful and may compliment your body even more so than the original piece you tried on, it won’t magically change your body type. People are always making it seem like the right cut of material can change the way you look and it can to an extant. There was a whole book about magical jeans, a la Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
While one style or another may compliment your body more, it won't make your flaws disappear.
6 Why Did I have Chipotle Four Days In A Row?
Okay, so if the one piece, bikini, tankini, and high-waisted swimsuit all still make your thighs touch then you just have to admit that, well, your thighs touch and no cut or style of swimsuit will change that. Maybe you should wear pants as bottoms.
You could go on a crash diet and work out, but the damage has been done. What you’re really wishing is that you didn’t eat so poorly all winter long. That one time you drunkenly ate an entire pizza by yourself – you’re wishing you didn’t eat the whole pizza, maybe just had a slice, or two. You could have definitely saved some for someone else. Then, you remember that time you ate Chipotle for almost a week straight. You definitely didn’t have to do that either.
Oh, the joy wearing multiple layers of clothing and eating whatever the hell you like is now backfiring badly. That joy is now gone as you stare at your reflection in the dressing room mirror.
5 How Does Gigi Hadid Eat Burgers And Look So Good?
You totally remember that Gigi Hadid confessed to eating burgers. She once said that they are her favorite treat. You’re even pretty sure you’ve seen a picture of Gigi Hadid basically stuffing an entire burger into her mouth. How does she get away with eating burgers and still strutting down the runway at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show?
Then, you think about Chrissy Teigen. The girl's Instagram is full of photos of her eating pasta, pizza, donuts or pizza flavored donuts. How, oh how did she get that body that allows her to eat whatever she wants and then lands her on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Do these celebrities eat magic pasta that actually helps them lose weight? You want the magic pasta.
You’re suddenly very mad at Gigi and Chrissy for still eating delicious things but looking as beach body ready as they always do. Where is the justice?
4 If I Don’t Eat For A Week And Get A Spray Tan, I’ll Be Fine
If Gigi and Chrissy can somehow still eat like normal people and have amazing bodies, you certainly can too, right? If you do a juice cleanse, get a spray tan and do 1,000 squats every night, you’ll be bikini ready. Sure, that seems a tad extreme. Maybe, you’ll just do 500 squats every night but you’re definitely doing some squats. Okay you might just do 10 but that is still great.
You’re calming down. You will be fine. Somehow, someway. You’re going to have to find a way to jump into the pool and go to the beach without having a nervous breakdown. You’re a #girlboss, damnit! You even read the book.
Now, if you could only just find a way to get control of your life, because yes, trying on a swimsuit makes you feel like your life is out of control if only just for a second.
3 Actually, Who Needs A Thigh Gap
Here’s a list of reasons you don’t need a thigh gap: Beyonce. Queen B doesn’t have a thigh gap, so you don’t need one either. She is one of the most loved and adored women in the world and people still think she's sexy AF, regardless of having a thigh gap or not.
In fact, thigh gaps are a complete anatomy thing. If you have wider hips and your legs are set further apart, you will have a thigh gap. Someone with a six-pack and no cellulite could still have thighs that touch. Every body is built differently.
Essentially though, if you don’t have a thigh gap and Beyonce doesn’t have a thigh gap that means you’re basically built like Beyonce, right? Hm, well, you’ll stick to that, even if it’s not 100% accurate.
2 This Actually Makes Me Look Like The Queen I Am
After all of the negative thoughts, the clouds part and the sun rises. You are a badass girl and no thigh gap or swimsuit or cellulite will ever change that. In fact, you love every single part of your body and you don’t give a damn what anybody else thinks.
What even is a perfect body? We only have specific constructs of what constitutes a perfect body because of the media. In the 1950s, your curves would have been celebrated or if you lack curves, your slender body would have been celebrated in the 1960s.
A woman’s body is the most beautiful thing in the world because if it can make a freaking human who cares if you have cellulite? You can make people and that’s pretty friggin magical. You never knew that swimsuit shopping would lead you to such a huge epiphany.
1 I Can’t Wait To Show This Off
Your complete turn around is the best thing ever. Now, you appreciate what the straps do for your shoulders and how flattering the pattern is on you. You’re finally seeing the light. All is well with the world again. To hell with Gigi and Chrissy and their amazing bodies. Jk, Gigi and Chrissy. We love you forever, I just want to know the recipe to your magical pasta.
But, also to hell with thigh gaps and spray tans and everything else you thought you needed in the harsh light of the store’s mirror. You’re fine just the way you are. You can go back to worrying about more important things now, like the possibility of Donald Trump winning the election and how you’re going to afford taking a vacation and paying your student loans in July. You’ll figure it out though, because you’re a queen and no one can and no bikini can change that.