Denial and avoidance can only take you so far in your romantic relationship. Sweeping things under the rug and not communicating your true desires is not only unhealthy for you, but a ticking time bomb for your relationship. You love your partner and you want what they want, right? Wrong. By continually suppressing your heart’s true desires, you risk not fulfilling your own dreams and goals. By not communicating issues of importance (your triggers, your desired living location, when you want to have kids), you run the risk of this leaking into your relationship in seriously unhealthy ways, like resentment, bitterness and anger.
You are lying to your partner and to yourself by not owning up to the things you want in your life. Yes, you’ve got plenty of past experiences that don’t need to be aired with the man of your dreams (like that all girls’ trip to Belize which you swore you would never talk about again), but there are also things that eventually need to be discussed. A healthy relationship is about authenticity, vulnerability, openness and compromise. If your relationship is built on satisfying his needs and not your own, sadly, it’s not going to last. If you’re avoiding discussing matters of the heart, it’s a good thing to ask yourself why. Perhaps you’re keeping painful memories at bay, but your partner deserves to know you, and that includes your past experiences and your future aspirations!
You can run, but girl, you can’t hide, and eventually, you’ll need to tell him these 15 things.
15 You Actually Hate Spicy Food
What? He asked you out and then took you to a Mexican restaurant for your first date. How could you possibly tell him that you feel nauseous and break out in anxious sweats when you indulge in anything remotely spicy? You’ve been blaming your overactive glands on malfunctioning air conditioners and hormonal sweats, but that excuse can only run on for so long. Sooner or later, you’re going to need to tell him that you hate spicy food and that your self proclaimed adventurous palette is boringly bland. All you can do is cross your fingers and hope that he thinks your fabricated love of spicy flavors is endearing and cute. You did it to please him, after all. The benefit of this spicy confession? You won’t need to wear so much deodorant, or spend so much time in the banjo on date nights. Besides, your boyfriend will probably thank you.
14 You May Have Unresolved Issues With Your Ex
You’re good at playing the tough, independent woman -- sensitive and yet steadily capable of being on her own. He raves that you’re the perfect girlfriend. You always seem to give him the perfect amount of "guy space" that he needs. Yeah, apparently, it’s a thing. What you’ve been avoiding telling him is that the reason you give him ample room to breathe is that you’re scared. You’ve been keeping him at arm’s length because you don’t want to seem vulnerable. The last thing you want is another broken heart. Your last relationship fizzled and burned, and with it, your confidence and pride. As much as your current flame melts your heart and tickles your funny bone, you’ve been holding back from truly showing him your vulnerable side. Broken hearts suck. Nobody wants to go through that pain. But you grow so much from those difficult experiences, and allow yourself to love even harder and deeper the next time.
13 If You Cheat- You Will Need to Come Clean
In an ideal world, you deal with your relationship issues head on with your partner. Unfortunately, sometimes conflict in relationships (or other issues) can cause you to start looking outwards for external validation. When individuals feel insecure, unwanted or misunderstood in their intimate partnerships, or like their needs are not being met, they sometimes look externally to fulfill what is lacking. Often there are deep-rooted issues that need to be resolved. Infidelity, on both ends, can be incredibly painful. If you cheated on your partner (for whatever reason), your best bet is to come clean. The guilt of your actions will eventually leak into your behaviors and affect your relationship. If your partner cheated on you, wouldn’t you want to know? As painful as it would be, you probably would. Hopefully, you and your partner love each other enough to work through your issues. It’s a heavy thing to have on your conscious and telling him, no matter the outcome, will be incredibly freeing and healthy for you. That doesn’t mean it will be easy!
12 If His Friend Made a Move on You
His best buddy isn’t as loyal a mate as your man made him out to be. You don’t want to tell your guy, but his friend totally tried to pick you up when he wasn’t around. Sure, he’d had a drink or two, but his behavior was inappropriate, and you’re pretty sure if you boyfriend was around, he’d want to punch his lights out. Yes, his friend’s creepy pass at you should be aired because your guy’s “brother from another mother” is not the trustworthy, stand-up individual he believes him to be. The sooner your man realizes his friend is an undependable douchebag, the sooner he can surround himself with better and more trustworthy companions that get along with both of you. His friends should be your friends too and you shouldn’t have to worry about them trying to pick you up. Hello, you’re dating his best bud and no thank you, you don’t want to accompany him naked into the hot tub.
11 That You Don't Like Certain Things He Does in Bed
Some nights he makes your toes seriously squirm, and other nights, meh(!) you’d just as well…not. If you’re consistently in the mood, but inconsistently getting your needs met, it’s time to address your boudoir blues. Girl, you are a young and vibrant woman and you deserve to be satisfied, especially in the bedroom! If your needs aren’t getting met, you need to communicate this to your partner, so he can work with you to meet your needs. Unfortunately, (or not) your partner can’t read your mind, and as much as you’d love him to know all your secret spots, he might need a few constructive pointers. You can’t expect him to know how to turn you on; you should communicate what you like (and don’t). If you’re lacking in the words department, use moans or encouraging noises to nudge him in the right direction. You will be much happier in the long run.
10 Your Honest Opinion/View on Politics (Can't Marry Someone if you Hate What They Believe)
As much as you want to avoid stirring the pot, there are some things on which you and your man just don’t agree. You haven’t had the heart to tell him yet, but you don’t support the same political party, and you have differing opinions on many ethical issues. Being amicable and living in harmony is a beautiful thing, but not at the cost of being dishonest. If you can’t honestly talk to your partner about the things you believe in and stand for, it’s not a healthy relationship. It’s normal for individuals to have differing viewpoints and perspectives. Different upbringings and environments shape us in different ways. It’s how you discuss these issues with your partner and if you are open-minded and willing to hear their perspective and stance. Dissimilar views are the spice of life and if approached constructively, can be wonderfully educational, eye-opening and informative. You might be surprised at what emerges when you open your mind and heart.
9 That You Want/Don't Want Kids
You entered the relationship feeling foot-loose and fancy. The relationship has been wildly passionate and lighthearted. You’ve been so focused on being in the moment and not looking ahead, that you’ve bypassed some major relationship standards and must-haves. You’ve been together for months now, but neither of you have broached the subject of long-term commitment and children. If having children and starting a family is on your must-have list, then it’s important you communicate this with your current partner. If it is an absolute non-negotiable need for you and your partner doesn’t want children, it could be a devastating, dead-end to your relationship. Likewise, if your partner knows he wants kids, and you have a five-minute maximum for holding your best friend’s baby, you might want to let him know you have a serious baby no-go zone. If you aren’t on the same page as your partner regarding kids, you might want to hop on the same page as soon as possible.
8 That You Want/Don't Want Marriage- If He Doesn't and You Do, Come Clean.
You’ve pictured yourself walking down the aisle in a silk wedding dress with the man of your dreams since you were a little girl. Yeah, it’s cliché, but you never wear white and you look forward to ditching this dating game and committing to one person for good. The only problem? Your partner hates the idea of marriage. In fact, he told you after a few dates, but you never took it seriously. You bypassed his non-committal comment and agreeably scoffed that you didn’t care for marriage. You figured it was first date jitters and nothing that a few naughty favors and pep talks couldn’t fix. Besides, you figured he was just scared. Surely after he got to know you and he discovered just how much you rocked his world, he would want to put a ring on your finger. Unfortunately, he hasn’t changed his stance and never have you. You still want to get married and he still loathes the thought. If marriage means that much to you, he is going to have to accept it and propose, or sadly, leave you waiting at the alter.
7 Goals, Where You ACTUALLY See Yourself in Five Years
It’s been all fun and games thus far in your relationship. Things feel lighthearted yet romantic, and you thoroughly enjoy the direction your relationship is taking. You have fun and adventurous dates, you have similar interests and hobbies, and you are wonderfully compatible in bed! The only glitch in this seemingly perfect fairy-tale? You don’t talk about anything serious. You both avoid discussing hopes, dreams and goals and where you foresee your individual lives taking you. You’ve been avoiding talking about the future because you fear that your lives may not be compatible. Perhaps he is dead set on some life goals that don’t align with your own. Maybe you plan on traveling the world and your intimate other is a serious homebody. Eventually, you’re going to need to swallow your fear, and discuss where you see yourself headed. It’s your life! Hopefully, you love and care about each other enough that you can help each other work towards some of these important goals and dreams.
6 What Makes You Mad- You Can't Hold it in Forever, You'll Explode
You’ve been playing the cool, calm and collected girl for about as long as you can. The truth is you hate his inability to keep a clean shared space, you loathe that he always brings his dudes along on your dates, and you’re sick and tired of always playing second fiddle to his video games. You’ve kept pretty quiet about your pet peeves. You don’t want to come across as the negative, complaining type of girl. It’s great you’re trying to keep the peace, but not expressing yourself is eventually going to have some serious repercussions (on your health and on your relationship). It’s important to be honest and confront your partner is a calm and respectful way about the things that irk and bother you. By approaching these concerns from an “I feel” perspective, you can avoid blaming your partner. It’s important your partner learns what makes you happy and what doesn’t.
5 That His Mom is Really Mean to You
Let’s just say dinners with your boyfriend’s family have not exactly been a walk in the park. Try as hard as you may, you man’s mom just isn’t accepting you into the family fold (and you have no idea what you’ve done)! You’ve been nothing but respectful and kind with your one-day-in-laws, but your man’s mom still treats you like you’re a savage beast preying on her only son. His mom’s comments towards you are passive aggressive and sometimes when your partner isn’t around, she is downright mean to you. You haven’t told him yet because you fear he’ll stand up for his mom and not for you. He loves his mom and probably won’t believe some of the nasty comments she has directed your way. Like all dirty secrets, you’ll eventually need to tell him how his mom’s negative treatment is making you feel. Hopefully, he will be supportive and encourage an open (and progressive) discussion with your soon mom-to-be.
4 Your Relationship History- He Needs to Have an Idea of What You've Been Through
Relationships are about loving each other unconditionally and sometimes, that means supporting your partner in working through old triggers, baggage and unresolved issues. If you are repeatedly reacting to things that your partner is doing (that you intuitively know are being triggered from past relationships), you’re going to need to fess up about your relationship history. It’s a lot more than just airing your dirty laundry. Maybe he thinks you’re irrationally jealous for no reason, when you haven’t told him that not one, but two of your previous partners have cheated on you. Perhaps there are some relationship tidbits that are better left unsaid, and there are also things that will help your partner support you better. Ultimately, your relationship can deepen and grow if you allow yourself to be vulnerable, and open up about some of the tough stuff you’ve experienced. Your love and trust is bound to deepen because of it.
3 Where You Want to Travel
You’ve been scouring over travel magazines, books and online sources for weeks now in preparation for your upcoming travels. You’ve had your heart set on an adventurous, South African safari ever since you were a little girl traipsing through your backyard acreage. When he suggested you do a European backpacking trip, you amicably agreed, even though you completed that dream when you were eighteen and you’d rather venture to new and more exotic frontiers. It’s great you put your partners needs first, and that you do what he wants to do, but you can only ride that boyfriend-pleasing train for so long. It’s your life to live, and you get to take the adventures you want! If your partner in crime doesn’t have the same travel bucket list, perhaps you can compromise and travel to both of your desired vacations. If you can’t agree on a location, maybe you’re better off traveling solo, or with a friend!
2 Where You Want to Live
Relationships are a healthy compromise of what two individuals want and desire in their lives. Life isn’t something you passively read about in a novel or watch on the silver screen. You get to create your desired reality and hopefully, your man sees himself in it. The topic of where you want to live is eventually a conversation you should entertain. It’s all well and good during your university days when you’re both studying in the same place, but what about when you land that job offer across the country? What happens when your partner wants to travel and live abroad, and you’re set on creating a more cozy, sedentary lifestyle? If you're set on being together, you should discuss where you both want to live and thrive. You deserve to be happy, and location can be a major part of this. Neither of you should have to settle for less.
1 What Age You Want to Accomplish Your Goals - He Might Want Kids at 35 and You Want Them at 27
Avoidance and denial can only work for so much longer. Eventually, you’re going to have to swallow your pride and accept the fact that you’re aging (gracefully of course). Age isn’t just a number for you. You feel strongly about having kids before the ripe age of 30, even though he’s been begging for that number to be pushed back by a few years. If you have a certain age by which you want to have kids, you’re going to need to communicate this to your partner. Healthy communication about when you want to have kids is extremely important. Hopefully, you and your beloved can come to a mutual decision about this big decision and find a timing that works for you both. Perhaps you are willing to wait a year or two for him to face fatherhood, or maybe he’s willing to forego his "no kids until 35 rule" to make you happy.