Most women spend some time in the salon trying to get that perfect do, and for many women, that means spending a ton of time in the salon. For certain hair colors and styles, a trip to the salon can literally take five hours... which feels like a week. Add in the fact that you have to return every six to eight weeks for upkeep, and yeah, this stuff is no joke. It's like a part-time job except that you're paying more for it than you probably should be. That being said, you do it because you look awesome once it's over (for a couple weeks, at least), and it's just one of those necessary evils in the life of beautifying. Okay, it's not all bad: getting a scalp massage during a hair washing is truly divine and it's not like you can give yourself a professional blowout at home. But it's strange to spend so much time in an environment that hovers over the line between personal and professional. Here are 15 things that you always want to say when you're at the hair salon but you just can't.
15 Are You Sure The Foils Should Be Left On This Long?
I don't know about you, but I'm blonde, and staying blonde requires many, many foils to be attached to my head while whatever bleaching elements are being used go to work. It takes a while for this to happen, and while I'm sure most hairstylists are not going to let my hair fry off, I always wonder if it's possible. I've actually asked, since I've experienced real anxiety about this when my hairdresser has wandered off to engage in gossip with some other hairstylists, or snuck into the back to have a snack, or whatever else they do on when they take breaks during the day. My most recent hair stylist explained it to me and apparently the stuff just stops working at a certain point so it's not actually going to go drastically wrong. I'm overcomplicating things as usual. This is good to know so I don't reach up and start removing the foils myself in a total panic. But it still seems a little weird, especially when it's irritating my scalp sitting there. It can't be too good for you, but it's worth it I guess.
14 Enough With The Personal Questions
The process of getting your hair done is basically just sitting there for hours on end... while your hairstylist just stands there for hours on end. It doesn't require much focus beyond the basics of hair color so there is a lot of free time for talking, which most hairstylists take full advantage of whether you're the super chatty type or not. Sometimes you're not in the mood to chat at all but feel rude trying to be short in the conversation, and sometimes you're totally down with a good conversation until things become way too personal. Like yeah, you guys are friendly but you might not actually be friends, and the last thing you want is to overshare and get yourself tied up in a conversation that you didn't mean to get in. People are naturally curious, and a lot of people feel like they're good at giving advice, so before you know it you've laid out the details of your failing relationship and you're getting some advice whether you like it or not.
13 Do You Mind If I Take A Selfie?
If there's ever a place to snap a reasonable selfie in your otherwise boring week, the salon is it. Especially now that Instagram has added on the snap stories feature, so basically, the world is yours. The only thing is that taking photos of yourself in the salon mirror is still a little embarrassing, because not only is your hair stylist there watching, but pretty much everyone in the salon can also see what you're doing. It's a little ironic that you're comfortable sharing the photo but that taking it is embarrassing, but then again the final product is a little more seamless once it's edited, it's the process that might be embarrassing. It's not like you want to spend ten minutes trying to get your face in the proper angle for the best lighting while some judgy people watch. Awkward. Although even Kylie Jenner, queen of selfies right behind Kim Kardashian, has said that it can take "like, 500 selfies to get one." Hey, the expert said it, so it must be true.
12 I Hate It!
Why is it so hard to speak up when something goes wrong? It's your hair. But sometimes you feel super guilty about this, like they worked so hard and they seem proud of the final result for some reason and you're sitting there sweating under your cape. Sometimes you just want to scream that you hate it, but you don't because you're a reasonable adult. So instead you mention that perhaps it isn't quite what you asked for, or worse you bite your tongue and walk outside hoping that things will be looking different once you arrive home. But then you arrive home and your hair looks even worse, so you text your hairstylist something slightly sassy but mostly polite about the issue at hand and they can only schedule you to come back a week out because they're booked. Meanwhile you have plenty of time to scream about how much you hate it to yourself, while you're looking at it disdainfully in the mirror every single day.
11 Just A Trim (Seriously Though)
Hair stylists love to cut hair. Technically, that's a big part of their job so you would hope that they totally love it, but you would also hope that they're capable of sticking to some limits when it comes to exactly how much they're planning to chop off. It's a pretty common issue that someone goes in for a trim and walks out with severely shorter hair. There are a few issues why this happens. One, sometimes the person cutting the hair needs to correct something and it ends up raising the entire baseline. Sometimes they have an easy time separating the head of hair from the human and are trying to just get rid of the dead ends no matter how dumb you look with hair above your shoulders. Sometimes the person getting their haircut isn't specific enough about what they want, which sometimes goes great and sometimes ends in disaster. Often when you're politely asking for just a trim off the edges, you really wish you could deliver the message in the form of threat, too.
10 Why Don't You Remember What I Said?
For all the talking that goes on at the hair salon, sometimes you have to wonder if your stylist is actually paying attention and retaining any information about you at all. This could actually be a good thing in the circumstances that you overshare something, but it's also a slight burn when you feel like you guys actually have a camaraderie here. It's almost like your hairdresser has a bunch of other clients or something. (That's sarcasm, they definitely do.) But it can still be a little confusing when they don't seem to remember anything and they ask you the same questions about your trip to Montana. Or when they don't remember anything that they told you last time and retell the same stories about their own life. Then you have to wonder why they don't have any new stories to tell you and how many other times they've retold this exact same story. Are they working on a stand-up routine or something here?
9 I Blame You For All My Life Issues
A bad head of hair can feel disproportionately bad. It's never actually that serious because there are a lot worse things that could happen in life than having a hair color that's a little too ashy, but still we take our hair on as a powerful expression of self, so when we feel like it isn't working it can feel like a lot of things aren't working. I mean, think about how much we talk about bad hair days. No one else would ever notice that our bangs are falling in a super weird way but it might bother us all day long while we should be paying attention to much more important things. A bad hair day is like an excuse to explain away why other things don't go well in the day. Often when our hair looks bad it has something to do with the person who did it, so naturally, we're going to blame them from time to time even though we know that's totally irrational and we know we're the only ones responsible for our lives. But still. It's easy to think "I bet my day would be going better if my hair wasn't the wrong shade of red."
8 I Also Consider You A God (Or Goddess)
For all the times that your hair doesn't look good, there are probably more times that it looks absolutely amazing, and you know you're not capable of doing it yourself. In those moments, you might elevate your hairstylist to a god among mortal men, since he or she has the ability to make you look and feel beautiful. When you look and feel beautiful the world feels large and free and unlimited. How many times have you strutted out of the hair salon with some fresh color and a blowout and felt like a supermodel as you walked to your car? It can't just be me. I think I get catcalled more often when I'm walking out of the hair salon than anywhere else, which is either because I look extra confident and happy or else because men are drawn to shiny hair in its utmost flow state. Maybe both. Your hairstylist possesses the powers to make you feel like this, which sometimes is a pretty dramatic transformation from how you walked in. Bless them for it.
7 Why Is This So F-ing Expensive?!
Getting your hair done at a good salon can be quite expensive. Of course, you can always go to salons that aren't quite as nice, but then you also risk having hair that isn't quite as nice. If you've ever gone through that and wasted the money that you spent trying to get a discount do, you might have regretted it and committed to biting the bullet and shelling out the dough at a nice place. But even when you do that and you know darn well that it's worth it, sometimes you feel the burn and you really just want to know why the f it costs so much. Like what are you paying for besides their expertise on highlights, the hair dye? The chair rent? Can your hairstylist just come over and do your hair in your own chair at your own home for a discount? Well, yeah, actually sometimes they can do that, but probably only when they're like your actual friend because otherwise why would they bother. If you have that situation going on, though, good for you.
6 Ouch/This Sucks
Okay, maybe you're actually totally comfortable with expressing your physical discomfort at the hair salon, but maybe you feel a little guilty about complaining when they're brushing your hair. After all, it's more likely the fault of your sensitive scalp than their rough hair brushing methods. It's kind of bizarre that you're even in that slightly vulnerable state where your arms are under a cape and an adult is brushing your hair for you. It's pretty unique to the salon experience once you're over the age of five or something. But getting your hair pulled isn't the only other type of physical pain that can go down. Earrings can get caught on hairbrushes, your butt can get extremely tired from sitting there for hours on end, maybe your back hurts from sitting as well just because you're not 19 anymore. Add to that the smell of the chemicals in the salon and the experience can be a little annoying on the physical sense. But you can't really complain beyond texting your best friend annoying texts like "ugh sooo bored at the salon."
5 I'm Pretty Sure You're Actually Insane
Some hairstylists are totally normal and become your BFF at least while you're in the building. Some are a little eccentric... and then some seem to be like legit insane. Of course, you aren't going to mention this, but you might be sitting there thinking, wait a second wtf did I get myself into being locked in this chair for the remainder of the daylight hours. In a lot of day to day transactions or services, you don't really spend enough time with a stranger to hear too many personal details. Even when you're spending a couple hours with a waiter at a restaurant it's not like they're actually sitting down at the table with you talking while you eat. You don't exchange more than a couple words with the barista at the coffee shop or the teller at the bank. (Do people still go to the bank?) The hair salon is kind of unique in that way, and you don't really know what you're getting into until you're already there and committed to getting that hair done. Just hope they're insane in a funny way.
4 Please Don't Blame Me For Your Mistakes
Some hairstylists get a little defensive about their work because it's their job and they're creative people who are sharing their work with the world. We all feel a little defensive or bummed out when someone criticizes our work, especially if it directly relates to someone else's well-being (or at least their own perception of it). It makes sense. But at the same time, feeling defensive and acting defensive towards a client are two very different things. After all the customer is supposedly always right even though that can be super annoying. Maybe you've had the experience where a hairstylist makes a move that you don't love (or it isn't at all what you asked for), and when you bring it up they try to make it seem like it is what you asked for or deny even seeing the issue at all. If you haven't good for you, because it can often mean that it's time to go find a new hairstylist. It's a little awkward when a hairstylist wants to say that you had a part in something that you didn't, and that's really all you feel like pointing out but you also don't feel like getting into some battle over it.
3 How Much Money Do You Make?
You know you're curious, especially when you think about how much it actually costs to get this hair of yours done. With a few clients a day and these tip amounts they must be rolling in the dough. Not to mention that they always seem to be on exotic vacations and doing other fun stuff in all their spare time. But then again they might always bring up ways that they're trying to save money or just complaining about the money in general, which is bound to confuse you a bit. You want to just ask how much they make but you feel like it's a little tacky, especially in front of their coworkers who probably all make different amounts. Well, luckily there is the internet for this sort of information. Apparently, the average hairstylist makes around $21,130 a year, while the higher end hair stylists make more like $45,840. However, this definitely depends on where you live, and if they have the opportunity to pick up celebrity clients or make house calls or something.
2 I'm Literally Never Going To Buy Any Products
The salon is full of all kinds of delightful hair goodies, many of which you have experienced first hand while you're getting your hair done. Your hair stylist is always going to want to sell some of them, and if you're on any kind of a budget, you might not be willing to bite. But you feel like it's more appropriate to just nod along and listen to the spiel about how much better salon quality shampoo is for you than the kind from the drugstore. You might pretend to care... and really not care at all. There's only so much you can do, and the drugstore shampoo seems to have treated your hair just fine so far, thank you very much. Or maybe you do want the quality salon stuff but you know a place you can order it online for a bit cheaper than the salon's price. Either way, you're not going to be tapping a bunch of products onto your bill at the end of the day when it's already a super expensive situation.
1 It's Not You But It's Totally You
Have you ever had to break up with a hair stylist? It's pretty rough. When it's a short-term situation it's easy to just slip away unnoticed, because you just don't rebook an appointment and they probably actually won't notice. But if you have been going to the same person regularly for years on end, they are going to notice if you just don't show up and will probably say something or ask where you've been. Part of keeping clients is keeping up with client relations, so they would be smart to text you and see if you wanted to book something soon. At that point, you either have to lie and pretend that you've been slammed for a while until they stop asking, or you can be upfront and say that you're moving on because they just aren't making you happy anymore. I suppose you could also completely ghost them, not that that's ever a suggested move in any kind of breakup. Sometimes you want to just say that they suck and you deserve better, but instead you make it sound a lot more polite than that. And then you have to find a new hair stylist. Sigh.