Whether or not you anticipate the breakup does not mean the blow will be any less painful. Breakups uncover a whole slew of things from past trauma, trust issues, and low self-esteem just to name a few. While breakups are some of the most difficult times we can experience, it doesn’t mean we cannot be prepared for what’s to come. And it doesn’t mean that we can’t continue to learn from such experiences time and time again. Breakups that happen in some cyclical way mean that we’re doing something wrong. It might be the fact that we keep gravitating towards relationships when we should really be single. It might be poor decision making. It might be related to family issues or some childhood trauma. Whatever the case is, there is much to be gained from studying and experiencing a breakup. Be thee warned, some of this stuff is dark and scary and if you’re not mentally and emotionally ready, you might be going into a realm without the proper gear and training. Take your time when analyzing a breakup and your role in the breakup. With a few strands of knowledge and a courageous heart, you can identify what’s happening and handle a breakup like a pro.
Of tears, there will be many. Don’t hold them back and surely don’t feel bad about them. They are part of the process. You are hurt, angry, grieving, disappointed, traumatized –those emotions require you to go into yourself and feel your emotions on a completely new level. You might feel like crying at the strangest times; at work, the commute to work, during lunch, watching a movie, any number of commercials, seeing other couples. Try to ask yourself why you want to cry, is it just because you miss your ex or is there something else happening. What does the loss signify? What do you feel? Are the tears connected to another breakup or life experience you’ve had? Don’t fight the tears, girl. If anything, use them as a way to get to the bottom of yourself so that you can build yourself up again, more fortified and wiser than ever before.
You might feel physical pain, like your heart might actually ache. For real, this can happen. Our minds are so powerful that our emotional pain can manifest as something physical. You might suddenly feel chest pains and not even associate them with your recent breakup. Our body has a way of managing and dealing with stress. Breakups are stress. You might suddenly feel weak or the onset migraine might appear out of nowhere –but look at your surroundings, what you’re watching or hearing. Some of those factors might lead to the reason for physical symptoms of a heartbreak. Study these symptoms, see if there’s a pattern. If there is, try to avoid those places or activities. For many certain songs or movies are triggers, for others it’s poetry or literature, and others still it can be food or places. Find out what sparks your pain and manage it in the best way you know how. This is not a time to be brave and face those pains, it’s only a matter of recognizing that your body is reacting to emotional pain in a physical way.
13 Loss or gain
This is not just about weight, though weight is an issue that is on the table here. This is also the feeling of loss or gain. First, you will probably lose or gain weight –it is not uncommon that we use food as a way of coping and managing our emotions. However, this is not the best way to cope. Identify your feelings of hunger, or lack thereof, and see if you can trail them back to your emotional needs. Are you really hungry or are you eating to fill a void? Have you gone all day without eating and is the denial of food a result of denying yourself pleasure because you are depressed? Most reasons why we emotional eat can be traced back to something if we take a few minutes to think. Be proactive in your healing process. And know that you will feel a sense of loss and gain. You have lost someone who was close to you and it might even feel like a death. You have gained new freedom and time and that might be super scary and overwhelming in the sense that you don’t know what to do with yourself now.
Here is where you can see the doors opening and closing. The universe knows what it’s doing. If you’re a firm believer in this, then you will know that the door that just closed only means another is soon to open. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that the door that just closed was the perfect door that lead to the perfect pathway and the perfect life. If that were the case, you’d still be at that door. But for whatever reason, whether it was your fault or your ex’s fault, you two did not work out. Don’t force something. Don’t force a door to stay open when another one is out there waiting for you, waiting for you to close the other door to open you up to a new door where better things are waiting for you. Always, always, always –when one door closes, another opens. It’s a rule. It cannot be changed or challenged because it is a rule of the universe and comes from the beyond.
11 Emotional recognition
You have an emotional rollercoaster ahead of you. Some days you will be a wreck, like you can’t get outta bed or even think about the shower or work or the world outside your room. Other days you will be the toughest cookie out there grinding and hustling and facing your emotions with the strength of ten lionesses. The days are so varied and there will not be any recognizable pattern, not yet anyways. Take your time at first. Let yourself feel all of these things, but little by little try and see if there’s a reason behind the alternating emotions. Maybe you’re down on Friday because that used to be date night. Maybe you’re up on Monday because you feel like it’s a new start to a new week and a new life. Again, this is about taking the time to ask yourself some questions and be honest with the answers. Be strong is you wanna, if not don’t. We don’t heal overnight, it’s a process. Recognize that.
Don’t even think about it, girl. Like seriously, don’t do that. Don’t live a dead life, don’t live a lost dream, and don’t live with ghosts. You might be thinking about how to get him back, how to win him over, how to fix this. Just don’t. Realize that everything has happened for a reason and you’re becoming enlightened through the process of pain. If you think that getting back with your ex is the answer to all your problems, you don’t get the point of what life is trying to show you. You’re already on another journey, realize it, name it, enjoy it. Don’t desire to return to the past, don’t desire to relive a life already lived. Know that you are going somewhere unknown and that is where you are supposed to go. Not backwards, we never want to go backwards. Always upwards and forward and into the present and future, but never into the past.
9 Surround yourself
Surround yourself with love and lovely things. This can be your family or friends. It can be art or parties or flowers or water or trees or birds or cats. Don’t limit those things that make you feel beautiful and alive again. You need support and it can and will come in different shapes. Find things that bring a positive awareness to your situation and to your being. The focus is on surrounding yourself with that which makes you feel glorified and at peace. Ask for support, reach out to friends and family and tell them you need to surround yourself. Ask them to plan a day of all things lovely. Ask them to show you all the lovely things about yourself. This is not a time to be shy, this is a time to be lovely again. Go forth with intention and a beautiful attitude.
It will run wild and you will drive yourself crazy if you let it take control of you. You gotta take control of it. Being wild has its moments, but not in moments when you’re objective is to heal yourself of a broken heart. Don’t start imagining what your ex doing or who your ex with now or even if he or she is with someone else. Let your ex live life and you live yours. Live your life now. Don’t let what your ex is doing dominate your present situation. You are wasting your life. If you want to use your imagination in any capacity, use it to propel yourself forward into a future that will teach you and show you new things. Imagine yourself healing, imagine yourself a bright light shining. Whatever you do, don’t even let your imagination take you to a place where your ex might be dwelling –that is a waste of imagination.
You will check his social media pages at least once a day if not several times. This is normal, but don’t let it go overboard and this type of behavior should lessen over time. Yes, dear, you will have to be weaned off your ex and that’s okay. Your ex was once a very important person in your life and a huge part of your everyday life. It’s hard to just let go like that. Some of you can do that and more power to you, but be sure that if that you can move on quickly that you’ve done some repairing first. Some of you can’t let go so easily and that’s totally understandable. Let yourself look at pictures and feel nostalgia or whatever feeling you want to feel. Just realize that at some point you will have to stop this before it becomes an obsession. It’s already a habit, but you don’t want it to leak into dangerous territory where leaving requires battling guards who are trying to hold you captive.
Of doubt, you can be certain. You will doubt the breakup, you will doubt if you made the right decision or if this is the right plan for your life. You will begin to doubt yourself on so many levels. You will doubt your abilities, your skills, your talents. You will doubt your brain and your beauty. There will be questions stacked on top of questions and sometimes you will not have the answers for all of them. Relax into this phase. You need to doubt what has happened in order to be visualize what will happen next. However, don’t let yourself doubt for too long. Doubting can lead to too much second guessing which is not always good for a person in recovery. If anything, the one thing you can be certain of is that the breakup needed to happen and it’s time to move on.
Doubt lead to insecurity. There is a fine line; but what happens when you spend too much time in that doubting stage is that it can lead to low self-esteem. You will begin to doubt everything all the time and at some point you might even begin to belittle yourself. Such behavior is based on the fact that you still think the breakup was a mistake and you are blaming yourself in some way, shape, or form. Now you are feeling like crap, you feel like a loser and then you begin to treat yourself like crap and talk to yourself as if you’ve already lost. The crap was the relationship. And you lost something that was not meant to be yours. End of story. Do not let this turn you into something your not, don’t let this breakup destroy the unique human being that you are. There is so much more to see and do and experience. Life doesn’t end now, it starts now.
There is an emotional burning that needs to take place. You will have to collect yourself and your feelings and address how to go about burning all that which no longer serves you. The best way to burn the past is by taking actual tangible material and setting it on fire, quite literally. Take old love letters, pictures, printed emails, and other trinkets and make yourself a little bonfire. Use this moment as a life-affirming, past-burning, self-loving ceremony. Once you burn things that dwell on the outside, you can them work on the inside. It will be easier to face the inside stuff. You will need to mentally burn your ex from your mind and heart. Use meditation and yoga or if you’re more energetic boxing classes. Whatever activity that suits you, do it. This is about restoring the mind in order to win the battle over the heart that still wants to cry and bleed.
This is a space of rediscovery. Yes, it’s the death of something, but it’s also the birth of something. But don’t focus on the death aspect, focus on the birth which is a wonderful time of discovery. Babies and children and in awe of life because everything is new and stunning –let yourself feel that again. Rediscover things about life that you might have left behind, discover new things, discover more about yourself. The possibilities are endless. Don’t wallow in sadness for too long. Pick yourself up and be happy to be alive, be happy to be breathing and be happy that you have eyes to read this article. Be adventurous –try all the things, travel, move to a new country, apply for a new job, and get to know yourself again. Don’t let these in-between spaces go unnoticed for these are vital spaces where we can reconnect and redirect so many things forgotten and unseen. Be a pioneer for your own sake and don’t let life depend on relationship status.
Once boo-ed up, self-care can get placed on the back burner. That’s the sad truth. However, ladies, however, this breakup is a chance for you to get back in there and love all over yourself in a way that you haven’t before or in ways you haven’t done for a long time. Remember self-care is about loving yourself for who you are, not what you have. Focus on things that are unique to you and really let those parts of you shine. Do things that allow you to shine. Do activities that also allow you to rest that brilliant light and recover. The simplest actions can be self-care. Make a cup of your favorite tea. Take a walk in a park. Rest your eyes for ten minutes. Say something nice about yourself while looking in the mirror. Eat your favorite food without feeling guilty. Take a nap. Engage in positive self-image building. Whatever you do, do you and do you proper-like –love yourself because there is no one like you, nor has there ever been nor will there ever be. Isn’t that enough reason to take care of yourself?
This is not to make light of the breakup in any way, shape, or form, but know this, dear one, heartbroken baby, beautiful unique growing light –this will not be the first or the last. You will, and should, have many breakups in your lifetime; without the experience of the breakup you will not be able to know certain things about you and about what you want out of a relationship. Breakups also teach you about what you want in a partner, which is of the utmost importance. So you might have to go through a couple of bad apples on your way to the peak of candy mountain. Don’t worry –you will survive each and every one, as long as you know that the stuff that comes with breakups, all the ugly, hurt-y stuff, will eventually fade away into the distance like bad decisions, like exes, like heartbreak. The more experience you have with breakups the stronger you will become and the more likely you are to be closer to that perfect partner for this lifetime.