Getting pregnant, giving birth, and having a monthly cycle are just some of the important things that only women experience. It would be weird if a guy suddenly announced that he was pregnant or if he gave birth. While some guys seem to have their own monthly cycle where they get moody, they don’t have an actual period. Lucky them, right?
But what if guys did start behaving more like us and doing things that we normally only do? Some straight guys are very careful about what they do and how they act. They don’t want to appear girly or feminine in the slightest. Straight millennial guys, on the other hand, are far more fun and aren’t afraid to pull off some of the girly stuff. In fact, they are far more accepting of breaking stereotypes than any other previous male generations. But that doesn’t mean it is no longer funny or even creepy when a guy does something that women do all the time.
Doing a butt wiggle while he is walking is a bit over the top, but if he is applying lipstick in his car’s rearview mirror, some of us might take a moment to ponder whether or not the guy is a serial killer. In other words, there are still some things that belong just to us girls and when a guy does it, we get the heebie-jeebies.
It is great to be a woman. For one thing, we live longer than men and for another we can wear our man’s clothing. There is nothing more comfortable than putting on a boyfriend’s t-shirt and wearing it around the house on a dress down day. Even his brand new boxer shorts are perfect for wearing around the house in the summer. On the flip side, guys really can’t get away with wearing their girlfriend’s clothing. Unless their girlfriend buys men’s clothing, her clothing isn’t cut right for his body. It would be even creepier if he wore her underwear, and I have actually dated a guy who put on and wore my underwear. I wasn’t sure if he was being silly or if he really liked wearing my undies. After we stopped seeing each other, some of my underwear was missing, but I didn’t ask for it back. If wearing my undies made him happy, he can have them.
“OMG, he is just so flipping cute! Look at his eyes and that perfect butt. Oh my goodness! I would give anything for the chance to hump his leg.” And on and on it goes. Teenage girls are masters at crushing over a guy in public. Sometimes they do it in a hushed huddle and other times they are loud and obnoxious about it. The poor guy, right? When we become women, our public crushes become a bit more refined with a full eye sweep and a “well, damn.” Guys don’t do public crushes. In fact, we would think they were total stalkers if they did. No, guys tend to do a double take and check out our butts. They might try and make eye contact with us. But the thing they won’t do is turn to their guy friends, wave their hands about and squeal out, “OMG, she is just so hot! She makes me want to take her home to meet my parents so we can officially be a couple.” Okay, yeah right.
Moms and big sisters like to reach out and pinch pudgy toddler cheeks. The baby fat that is still on their faces is absolutely adorable. Grandmas and aunts do it, too. We all just reach down and give a cheek a little pinch. But what if a guy did it? In our society, guys oogling up the baby cuteness is seen as wrong and rather creepy. There are just so many bad stories in the papers that most women don’t want any unrelated man touching their kids. Heck, a guy can’t even linger too long at a playground without having the police checking up on him. While I understand the precautions, being a mom and all, I have to wonder if our gender separation when it comes to adoring babies and toddlers creates negative problems in our society as a whole. Maybe if men were socially allowed to adore babies they would become far more active in their parenting role?
Whether you have small boobs, average boobs, or big boobs, boob adjustments need to happen. Some of us will go into the bathroom to adjust our boobs and some brave ladies will do the adjustment right out in the open. Our boobs get cramped inside a tight fitting bra, they get sweaty in hot weather, and they get crooked with physical activity, such as dancing or kick boxing. We adjust the equipment upstairs while men adjust the equipment downstairs. Wouldn’t it be awkward if a guy started to adjust his man boobs in public? I have honestly seen a guy do this. He finished doing some pull ups, showing off as guys do, and then he put his tank top back on and manually adjusted his boobs. What was up with that? Were his nipples crooked or something? Since I never pay attention to man nipples, I have no idea what his problem was, but it was an awkward moment.
If you’re happy and you know it, squeal for joy. It is something all women know how to do and we do it so well. Granted, anyone who is not squealing will have their ears pop, which is probably why if one woman starts to squeal, the rest of her friends will join in. Men don’t normally squeal and if they do, it is pretty darn funny. I heard my ex squeal after a mouse ran out from under a counter. I laughed and chuckled about it for days, but other than that, I have never heard a guy squeal. If it did happen, every woman within earshot would want to know what happened because it had better be either a dead body or a winning lottery ticket to make a guy let out a high pitched squeal. After all, manly men are supposed to have deep voices after puberty and not sound like a preteen boy who just got his first gaming console.
We are emotional creatures and if we are experiencing a particularly bad moment of PMS, all bets are off. This includes sudden emotional outbursts and crying in public. It is hard to explain what it is like to men. One moment we are fine and dandy and then a hormonal time bomb goes off inside our bodies. Suddenly we are overcome with a need to cry. Crap that happened to us when we were kids bubble up to the surface, mean comments are remembered, and every bad thing that has ever happened to us or someone we love just bursts up. We start to cry. Sometimes it is a quiet cry and other times we are having a full out bawling session. Guys don’t do this. It would be weird if they did. Men usually need a pretty darn good reason to cry before they hide themselves to bust out a few tears.
When at a club or a restaurant, we will often ask a friend to come to the bathroom with us. There are many reasons why we do this. First, women know that there is safety in numbers. We are less likely to get carried out of a club if there is a friend and witness with us. We also like having someone to chat with when we are in the bathroom. We use those few private moments to gossip or get each other’s opinion about something, usually another guy. This is normal behavior for us girls, but not the guys. You will almost never hear another guy ask a guy friend to go with him to the bathroom. Guys generally have a no talk rule in the bathroom and don’t hang around to fix their hair in the mirrors. They also don’t need the security of numbers because it is highly unlikely that a gaggle of girls will carry a guy off.
You know it is a slow day when you walk into the grocery store and head into the feminine hygiene aisle to buy some pads. You study the shelf tags, read the count, and start doing the math. Which are the cheapest pads? You hate the damn things anyway, but even with a moon cup you need to stock up on backups and liners for the heavy flow days. And this is totally fine and normal. We have the right to slowly read the packaging on feminine hygiene products without feeling the slightest bit embarrassed. It is a totally different story if a guy does it. While most of us just assume the poor fellow is buying them for his girlfriend or wife, we don’t expect him to be reading the packaging and comparing the prices. That makes us think that he is buying them for something else. Maybe it is a survival thing? They use pads as makeshift bandaging, but maybe there is something else going on? Either way, it is creepy.
Moms can do it. B*tchy girlfriends can do it. Men, on the other hand, are not allowed to do it. Waggling the no-no finger is an artistic expression that women have perfected over the centuries. It is our way of giving our kids and men a distinct warning that there is going to be major trouble if the problem continues and to knock it the heck off. If a guy tries to do it to us, his butt is ours. There is no way we are putting up with the waggled finger from a boyfriend. If he tries it on the kids, they will think he is joking and dismiss him immediately. No, the finger waggle is only meant for women to do. We have practiced it since we were little girls and there is no way we are ever going to allow the guys to take away one of our favorite gestures.
Who here has never faked an orgasm with loud ohs and yeses? If you never have, then you are probably in the minority on this one. We women take pride in our ability to produce an insanely loud, fake orgasm on demand. We could be hanging out in the mall or park, and if the subject of orgasms comes up with our girlfriends, at least one of us will produce the most insanely fake orgasm. You don’t see guys doing this, though. It would be rather creepy to see a group of men practicing their best fake orgasm scream. Then there is the added crossed eye look they get at the very end and all bets are off on a straight face. Nope. The men just don’t have what it takes to perform a brilliant O for their group of friends. We girls have all the fun in that department.
You see the cutest little baby while you and your friends are out at the mall. You approach in a group, smiling and ahhing. Babies are so freaking cute, especially when you don’t have to change any diapers. You and your friends talk to the mom while telling the little one how adorable she or he is. You hold a footsie and give it a wiggle. So flipping adorable! This is something we don’t see the guys doing. Most moms are taken aback if a man approaches them while they are holding a baby. If the guy begins to coo and play footsie wiggle, the scene gets even weirder. We don’t know how to take it. Is this guy really that into babies? Is he a friendly axe murderer? The only time it is okay for a guy to get all baby silly is when he is with his girlfriend or wife. Then we view him as a nice guy who will one day make a great dad.
We all know the drill. You forgot to put on your turn signal before making a turn and a policeman just happened to see it. He pulls you over and you begin first with the innocent act. You had no idea you forgot to use your turn signal. You bat your eyelashes and smile. If you’ve got cleavage, you push it up and out. You start to flirt outrageously and then, if that doesn’t work, you bring on the tears. It is the final line of defense against a ticket, and it often works. A police pullover is different for the guys. You won’t find them fixing their boobs or flirting with the police, and if they did, well, that is a whole other can of worms. No, guys use the buddy system, if they are smart, and act friendly towards the police officer. That will get him off charges faster than flirting or crying.
When the girls go out, fixing each other’s hair is just a part of the evening. There is nothing wrong or weird about stopping to fix your best friend’s hair while at the bar or in the bathroom. On the other hand, guy friends hanging out don’t normally reach out to fix each other’s hair. More probable, if some guy has a funky wave going on, his friends will either pretend they don’t see it or they will start in on making fun of him. There is the rare occasion when a guy will give a bro a hand and help him get something out of his hair, like a bug or obvious dirt. When it happens, it’s adorable, but don’t tell them that. It is best just to pretend that nothing cute is happening and go on about your business. There is no need to embarrass the guys or make anyone uncomfortable.
Sorry guys, but there are still some things you shouldn’t touch, at least not publicly, and a tampon is one of those things. Yes, most of us ladies will admit to those silly moments when, hanging out with our girlfriends, we have shot a tampon across the room (or tried to). Tampons and the applicators are obnoxious little buggers that we girls need to make fun of because we are often stuck using them. On the other hand, if a guy picks one up and wings it across the room, he’s a creep and more than likely a jackass. It’s just the way things are. The same goes for moon cups and diaphragms. Guys need to keep their hands off of them and not play with them. After all, they aren’t toys and they are meant to go someplace where the guys only wish they could go. Don’t mess with our stuff.
While the taboo on self pleasure has pretty much been lifted for both men and women, it is really only acceptable for women to buy the bedroom tools to enhance their pleasure. Guys who admit to using things other than their hands get the sideways glance and a chuckle, which is really a total shame. As a society, we need to remove the taboo on all the harmless, self pleasure tools available to people of all genders and preferences. After all, going at it by yourself is healthy for you, both physically and mentally, and further removing the taboo of toys for guys could possibly make other positive changes on our society as a whole. So, instead of us creeping out over the toys for guys, we should just accept them. After all, you wouldn’t want someone telling you that you had to give up your special toy, would you? Over my dead body, right?