This is a delicate subject. Most women have had their fair share of experience with a cheater or cheating. It’s totally become a part of the modern society even though it’s older than civilization. Taking lovers on the side is not something new, but what is new is that today, women have a choice in the matter. We can decide if we want to forgive and forget or move on. The difference is that now we have a voice. And that feels amazing. We can also think for ourselves which is another social miracle. From those same miraculous thoughts, because once thinking was deemed dangerous for women, we can determine what’s best for us. We can be autonomous. So when considering whether or not the cheater that’s cheated on you deserves another chance, have a look at some areas that cannot be left out of the equation. Has he done it more than once? Is he into the other woman or is it just a sex thing? You get the idea. Godspeed and the best of luck, this is not an easy decision and I hope you don’t have to face this situation many more times.
15 Is He A Habitual cheater?
If the cheater has been cheating even before y’all met and since y’all met, you can be almost certain that he or she will more than likely cheat well into the relationship and into the next one. The old adage, once a cheater, always a cheater is not one hundred percent accurate, but it was created with some exposure to experience and truth. Cheaters cheat for many reason, so many that not all can be named here, but just to name a few: he comes from a family of cheaters,he was never taught how to manage a relationship, he doesn’t understand self-control, he was never taught how to respect partner, or he has been praised for his cheating ways. Cheaters are not born, they are made. And the change must start somewhere, perhaps you can talk this one out and ask your partner to seek counseling.
14 What type of cheating was it?
This can make or break a situation. We all have our limits and each of our limits are a little different. Where some of you won’t forgive mere flirting, others are willing to forgive everything but the full on deed. Some of you are even willing to forgive the deed itself, but under certain circumstances. That all depends on your criteria and what you’ve built with your partner. Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, but sometimes it’s more. Remember, no two cheating situations are identical. A kiss could be a need for touch, getting laid a cry for intimacy –there is so much to be explored when it comes to cheating. Last of all, don’t forget that cheating often has nothing to do with physical needs, but rather emotional ones. You might want to address this issue first and foremost. Then see if things can be resolved based on the type of cheating that took place.
13 How often did he do it?
Maybe the cheater only cheated once. We all deserve a second chance, right? Some adhere to this philosophy. While others say, first strike and you’re out. If you’re a believer in giving second chances under any circumstances, you might want to apply that same rule here. If the cheater has done it a few times and been caught and forgiven yet goes back, then there’s an issue that you haven’t yet addressed hence the repeated behavior. The truth is, we’re all imperfect af, so judging and punishing others can be tough because we also want to consider if the shoe were on the other foot. Have talk with your partner and yourself about the frequency and about the needs that aren’t being met. I can guarantee you, even if it was only once, that your partner needs something from you and isn’t getting it. Be wary even if they've only done it once because it might mean he or she’s done it before, but just wasn’t caught.
12 Was it Romance or lust?
This can be a game changer. Did your partner cheat under the guise of lust, but there was really a steamy romance happening below the radar? Were there love letters and dates and talk of running off together and gifts and I love you's? That’s other level ish that might not be forgivable and might mean cutting your ties sooner rather than later will be in your best interest. If it was completely physical, you can chalk that stuff up to two major things; either missing intimacy with you or he or she might have an issue with sex addiction or some sexual fetish that has not yet been explored between the two of you. Whatever the issue is, it at least needs to be discussed. But cheating that involves romance should be seriously considered as it generally means that there’s so much missing in the relationship that y’all have, your partner is already test driving new replacements.
11 Who did he cheat with?
Who was the person with whom your partner cheated? Do you know the person? Is it a close friend or even one of your family members? Gasp! Was it a co-worker or a business partner, an acquaintance, or a complete stranger or prostitute? All of these things must be considered because that can and will determine if you should forgive the cheater. There are certain boundaries that should not be crossed and I’d say that best friends and family members are two of them. The rest, well, that’s for you to decide. Some of you might prefer that the cheating was with someone you know so that way you feel safer; for some of you that’s the ultimate betrayal concerning both involved. It will also say something about the type of cheater and cheating if you study with whom he or she did it. Take your time, study the situation, analyze it, then let it rest. Address it again when you’re ready to face the facts.
10 What if the Shoe were on the other foot?
Perhaps you want to slow down a bit and consider the situation from a different perspective. What if it were you who cheated? Some of you gasp and shake your heads as though you are all-knowing soothsayers and know yourself so well that every act and action is meticulously timed, planned, and executed. Darling, I hate to break the news to you, but all of us are capable of the best and worst that the world contains. Just because you have not done it, you have not cheated, does not mean you will never get your hands and feet dirty. There could be a time. Maybe not with the partner you’re with now, but somewhere down the line. And if you have ever been anyone’s mistress or girl-on-the-side, you’d better slow your roll –you are a guilty party, my dear. So before you decide on ending things or punishing or banishing your partner, you might want to consider if the shoe were on the other foot.
9 Do you have time for that mess?
Facing a cheater and the scoundrel situation you’ve got in front of you, you might want to first consider if you’ve got the constitution to manage what will, ultimately, be a part of your life. This cheater and cheating requires patience and a steady heart and mind. It requires compassion and love and the ability to re-build so many things that have been lost or build from the ground up. This is not easy work. It is hard work, some of the hardest work out there when it comes to relationship stuff. It will push you to your limits and you might feel crazy, you might even go crazy. You simply have to decide whether forgiving your partner is worth the emotional journey you will go through. If you are not prepared or ready to go through a gamut of emotions, you might want to sit this one out and call it a day. Another bites the dust, dear.
8 Can you forget about it?
You might be haunted by images that you’ve never seen. Images of what he or she did behind your back even though you might have never seen a thing. Your imagination will run wild. And it might get a hold of you in ways you did not expect. Our imagination does that. The fact of the matter is that this is not from your imagination, your partner cheated. Can you put that behind you and move on? Not only are you willing to forget, are you also willing to forgive? Those two should go hand in hand. It’s hard to be genuine about your forgiving if you cannot forget. That really defeats the purpose of what forgiving it all about. Are you willing to start fresh? Because if you’re not and you’re certain, you can just say goodbye today. There will be a lot of drama and bad blood in your relationship if you can't move on from this.
7 Will you always bring it up?
You might have the right intentions, you say you want to forgive and forget and move on and up and forward and be bigger and better and the strongest couple ever –yes, let’s do this, boo, we got this and all that jazz. That’s a great attitude to have, however, are you putting on a show? Have you built up a wall around your anger so as to hide it, but you know that deep down and later on that anger is sure to explode and you will throw things in his face? If that’s what you’re about, then you’re really not about mending the relationship. If you are the type that constantly brings stuff up for whatever reason, you can be sure that you will hold cheating over the cheater’s head and you will bring up the cheater’s cheating on more than one occasion. You’d better sit this one out, sis, you were not ready from the word go.
6 Can you build trust again?
Once there is complete, or close to complete, trust in a relationship that stuff is equivalent to it’s worth and weight in gold. Trust is god and goddesses and all things real in this world. Trust is hard to build, but once you have it, it makes the relationship so much more enjoyable. If you’ve ever been there, you know what I’m talking about. If that stuff that was made of the golden gods and goddesses has been broken, it will take a long time, serious effort, and an open heart to build it up again. There’s no way around it. And to be honest, it will never be the same trust as before. Just accept that right now. If you cannot accept what lies in front of you and handle it in a new way, a mature way, a way that says, well, that happened, let’s start over again –you will not be able to trust him or her again.
5 Will It Damage Your Self-Esteem?
Such an act is bound to affect your self-esteem, there’s just no way around it. Even if you are the most self-confident beesh on the block, you will feel shaken, not just stirred, after such an incident. Such an act will make you question so many things, not just about the relationship and your ability to work things out, but your own place in this world, what you will and will not put up with, and how much you’re willing to put yourself first. You will look at yourself differently, not just in the mirror, but you will analyze your personality, your actions, and your intentions. You might even start doing the worst of the worst –comparing yourself to others. And you should never forget that your own happiness is most important. Cheating breaks hearts, sure, but it also breaks spirits. Make sure you’re ready to deal with the loss of both, at least temporarily.
4 Is He or She A Narcissist?
The narcissist will somehow make his or her cheating your fault. And if you’re weak and don’t know how to recognize the narcissist and his/her slimy ways, you might even buy into it. If at any point, the cheater begins to point fingers as if he or she is removed from the act of cheating itself, this is a sign that you might have been in love with a narcissist. They are dangerous, be warned like ten times over. They will make you doubt everything you think and do, they will make you feel guilty for things they do, and you will suffer the brunt of almost anything negative that happens in the relationship. But have no fear, the narcissist knows how to pacify you and will give you just enough love to satisfy you for the moment and soon enough he or she will be back at old behaviors again. This is a case of hands down, do not forgive, just forget, move on. Actually, run away as fast and as soon as you can.
3 Is he or she working on re-building the relationship?
You should know your partner inside and out, if you don’t what’s the point of the relationship in the first place. Only you can determine if he or she will be willing to put forth the effort to turn things around. If you have a gut feeling that things won’t work out and that all those promises thrown your way are just distractions and empty words, then follow your instinct. Remember that women’s intuition is a real thing. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Consider your partners track record in other areas where he or she might have messed up? Did they clean up the situation and relationship properly or was it just some sweeping under the rug? Take a look at where your relationship struggled in the past and use that as a way to judge whether or not your partner is true to his or her word. If your partner is all talk, let that talk walk right out the door. You can’t waste time on someone who is wasting your time.
2 Is he or she worth it?
Deep down is he or she a good person, one worth the effort? Good people do bad things all the damn time. This might have been one of those times. This might be the love of your life, your soulmate, your twin flame –look in your heart of hearts and find the answer. If that is the case and you really want to be with him or her, then do what it takes to make it happen. Even if he or she is the one, that does not mean you two need to be together –at least not at this point in time. Take the time to study your partner and how you feel when you are with him or her. Evaluate your life together and whether your life would be better or worse? Meditate on what you want from the situation and stay focused. Do what's right for you.
1 Can you do better?
Some of you ladies don’t think you can do better and someone, maybe it was even you, sold you a lie. You deserve what you think you’re worth. So let’s start there. What are you worth? Do you even know your worth? Do you know that you are valuable? If you don’t know that, then you will settle for any dude that comes along, cheater or not. You will think that things like cheating partners are just part of society and it’s your cross to bear. If you have that attitude, you have really sold yourself short in the love and life department. Have a look at yourself and your attributes, realize how amazing you are, and that putting up with a cheater or anyone that disrespects you devalues you in every sense. But only you can know what you’re worth, dear. Take it from me, you’re worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for.