Us women don’t tend to hold back our feelings. We pretty much wear our hearts on our sleeves. When we’re pissed, you’ll be the first to know. When we’re happy, may the whole world be happy with us or else. We revel in our emotions. It’s rare that we keep things bottled up, but it’s not unheard of. And there’s also talk of passive-aggressive behavior, but that stuff is for little girls and not grown-a$$ women. Overall, we don’t shy away from expressing ourselves and we’re even known for being too emotional. Can you believe it? However, while we are proud of our ability to share our feelings, there are some things we don’t share. Society has created our little bubble and in it we nod and smile and nod some more. And we don’t always agree with it, well most of the time we don’t agree, but we stay quiet. Some of us disagree so strongly that we leave the bubble altogether, but some of us are still inside and secretly pissed off about how things are going and how we’re supposed to react. That quiet time’s gotta end, ladies. It’s time for us to say what’s really on our minds and in our hearts. Here goes, here’s to saying what some of y’all will never say but wanna say but can’t say, so I’ll say it for you.
For the love of the contouring gods, please stop. Someone put these chicks on hold because if they take things one step further the makeup game will become a full-time job. Putting on makeup should not be that complicated or time-consuming. We get it –it’s an art. And that’s not sarcasm. But for real, this contour shit where women are changing their faces by applying 30 different shades with 30 different brushes has taken things too far. Sure, we love that women can express themselves. Sure, everyone has the right to do what they want with their face and body and clothing. However, and I say this with care and concern, this kind of contouring has got women becoming a whole other woman altogether. We have the right to transform, yes, but at some point is it too much? I guess at least with contouring women can wipe away the layers whereas with plastic surgery the decision is all the way made.
14 No filter
Okay, girls, ladies –y’all look cute. And we get it. Y’all look cute without makeup and you want to flaunt it. We do, too, and we’d rock our bare faces if the world wasn’t so cruel and if the male gaze wasn’t so omnipresent and judgmental. Not all women are blessed with good skin or a clear complexion; the myriad of skin problems is abundant (most of which can be corrected simply by changing your eating habits, am I right vegans?). But this whole no filter thing, which people think is brave cause she took a picture of what her face looks like without makeup is really only for pretty girls. It’s pretty girls showing us how pretty they are; how blessed their gene pool is. That’s not brave, it’s rude because there are some girls who would rather do any list of gross, yucky, even painful things than post a picture of themselves without makeup or under the guise of no filter. Please, stop now –it’s not cool and it’s not cute.
13 Messy people who leave Wrappers EVERYWHERE
If you live with another person, it doesn’t matter who, you know there is always that one who leaves wrappers laying around. They do it in their house and you know damn well that they do it at your house and, not to mention, everybody else’s house, too. Gum and candy wrappers just laid out all over the place. This person is the same type who peels a beer bottle and leaves the label all over the table –again, it can be your house or their house, it doesn’t matter. If they have a purse, it's filled to the brim with wrappers. If they have a car, same story. This person also leaves empty toilet paper rolls as if they can’t quite understand the concept of a trash can. This person leaves that little plastic ribbon that’s used to seal some oils or juices, you know the thing I’m talking about. This person also leaves empty packaged food wrappers strewed about as if it’s an art installation piece everywhere they go. This person has no home training or common sense.
12 All the incessant posts about Wine
Now everyone is into wine. Like everyone and his and her grandma and aunties and cousins and old high school friends and neighbors. Wine is the nectar of the gods, but god almighty –when did it become so trendy. The wine parties, the wine selfies, the large wine cups, the wine cups that screw onto the wine bottle, the wine spa, the health properties of wine, the fact that, seemingly, wine solves everything; and for the most part that’s true, but enough with all the posts about wine already. A few posts about wine or how your dinner is wine or wine this or wine that or weekend wine or dinner wine or breastfeeding wine –it’s all way beyond the normal comprehension of even those of us who are wine fanatics. Most of you aren’t experts nor do you pretend to be, okay, yes, some of you pretend to be. Even sommeliers don’t get that buck about wine and they are like for real professionals, so mellow out and chill on the wine stuff, please.
Don’t play. Don’t act like you wake up, see rain and are all –yes, it’s raining, what a glorious day. Well, some of y’all might, but you’re of a different breed and on a new level and I feel that and I feel you, but I digress. Most of us wake up and are like angry at the rain. Why? Because we don’t want to get our hair wet. We don’t want to slip and fall. Because carrying an umbrella is just inconvenient. We don’t want to walk let alone drive or commute in the rain. Rain, while lovely if you have the day off or have planned to sit by a window with a cup of your favorite whatever tea, is usually abhorred by most women. The majority of the reasons deal with vanity, but being a woman against the elements and even vibing with the elements is no easy task; we are of the earth, yet we can get annoyed by her, too. No one said we weren’t contradictory creatures or vain af.
10 People who walk too slowly
It’s not the act of walking that we mind. The act of walking is nice, actually. A stroll through the park or through your neighborhood does the body, mind, and soul some good –well, depending on where you live. Why do we secretly get pissed off at walking? It’s because everyone around us clearly doesn’t understand the rules of walking. Follow the right, pass on the left, be observant; if you’re slow keep your behind to the far right. The same rules that apply to driving also apply to walking. It’s like the majority of the world doesn’t know how to drive. That very well may be true, especially if you live in a city where public transportation is the bomb. Some people don’t know those rules. People don’t know how to walk; and if it’s not walking too slow, it’s too fast –there is no happy medium. Don’t even get me started on how people take up sidewalks and stop, huddle, or congregate in the middle of any given walkway. And don’t get me started on walking in high heels, the torture of all tortures that looks sexy but destroys millions of people's feet and backs.
9 High Heels
Yes, girl, you look cute and beauty is pain and it hurts to look so good and all that. All that crap. It’s not anything we want to go through, but we cannot deny the power, the glorious, shining, transformative power of high heels. They are the bane of female existence, like for real for real. We’d rather wear a girdle or Spanx; okay, maybe I’m over exaggerating. But at the end of a work day or the end of a night of club hopping and twerking, our feet are not little piggies crying for relief, they are hounds from hell screaming to be released from the chains of torture. If you say you wear them because you love them, well, okay, then girl –if you say so. But consider this. If there were not men on planet Earth, would you subject yourself to the anguish that is the high heel? I don’t think so. Therefore, heels are shoes from hell, made by Satan and his homies to laugh at us and the lengths we’ll go to just to impress a man, lengthen our legs, and pop out the booty a little bit more.
Bartenders, why do y’all think you are such hot sh*t? Okay, maybe you don’t, but why are you so standoffish and cute at the same time? Why do I have to beg for your attention? Why do you act like you’re coming over to take my order and just wipe off the bar in front of me? Why do you take the order of the woman to my right who clearly showed up after I did? What’s with all the cruelness? No doubt, bartending has got to be one of the toughest jobs –high energy, long hours, late hours, drunk people, drunk people, really drunk people. It’s no dream job, but it has its perks, of which any bartender can tell you... because I have no idea. But getting the attention of a bartender requires patience and the understanding that this is a total first-world problem that’s not worth getting really pissed off at.
Waiting in line is the worst. Well, maybe not the worst, but it is up there. Today, I doubt people complain about waiting in lines because –iPhones, but back in the day before the iPhone, people brought books where they knew they’d be waiting in a long line or they’d chat up the nearest person. Back in the day people had to just wait it out, old school style, like thinking about life and being all reflective. There are lines everywhere these days. The line for the girl’s bathroom is outrageous. Sometimes slipping into the men’s stall is a life saver; and sometimes holding it until you get home makes more sense. Grocery store lines, concert ticket lines, lines to get a crepe, lines to buy a ticket, lines to check-in, and lines to check-out. We’re like conducting our entire lives moving from one line to the next.
Like when did there start being a rule about us carrying around a purse all the time, everywhere, like every freaking where. The purse is a cool invention –it lets us bring half our bedroom and bathroom plus snacks and drinks with us and with the bonus book, we’ve got all the necessary items to survive for at least a few days if not more. Our purses keep us equipped. Itchy throat? Betcha got a cough drop. Filling out an application. Betcha got a pen. Paper cut? Band-aid. Bad hair day? A clip. Oily skin? Rice paper or powder. Hungry? Betcha there’s a snack or two or at least a piece of gum. It’s all in there. But it’s heavy and hurts our backs and we get lopsided if we carry it on one side more than the other. It’s bulky and annoying. We have to protect it all the time from those who want to steal stuff from us. And everything gets lost in it. Marry Poppins' bag is real life ish, except instead of pulling out cool, interesting stuff we keep pulling out all the stuff we don’t want.
Endorphins, dopamine, and other feel good chemicals all fuel our drive to exercise; to get that high again and again. A highly functioning body that keeps the heart pumping as it should and the digestive system running properly. The promise of health and a glow. These are the reasons that drive us to exercise. And I call bullsh*t. While for a few of us, those reasons are legitimate and keep us coming back to our exercise routine. But, butt, butt ladies, you know and I know the main reason we work out is to have a good body and compete with other good looking bodies to see who’s body is the best looking body on the market. The market is always changing, so what’s trendy right now might not be in a few years or a few months, but that doesn’t stop us. Working out sucks. It’s the bane of our existence, it’s getting up early to do it and hitting the gym after work when all you wanna do is go home with you boo and pig out over documentaries.
We know about grammar and took it in middle and high school, but that does not mean we have to be experts at it. Although some of us are. Grammar and its usage is tricky; more often than not those who speak English as a second language have a significantly better grasp of English grammar. English grammar, if you haven’t noticed, is unfair. There are all kinds of exceptions and then people wanna get all uppity and judge. But there are some things that are, shall we say, unforgivable. 'There', 'they’re', and 'their' are not interchangeable, the apostrophe does something to a word, and commas are kind of like necessary. I’m not judging here, I’m just kindly pointing out; whereas the grammar police would shame you on social media. Don’t let grammar get your panties in a bunch, after all written language is just the fancy form of spoken language.
You might have one or some. You might not and are anticipating the day. And then you might not ever want some or even one. We’re all, as females, entitled to our decision about children. But one thing is for sure, despite maternal instincts and their cuteness, kids can really piss us off. Not even as mothers, but just as bystanders. Kids are bold, they say mean things and they are loud and jumpy and full of sugar and then grumpy like a room of old men and women and then they chuck or vomit some sort of liquid that lands directly on our favorite item of clothing. Kids scream and cry and they don’t care where it is. I can’t say I’ve never seen a grown woman do the same thing, though. But kid screaming is in that range that I feel only dogs should hear, but we hear, women who aren’t really into hearing a screaming kid in that very moment. Maybe kids don’t exactly piss us off, but they sure do annoy the crap out of us. As do all the kids pics floating around on social media.
Just because we’re women does not mean we need, love, and want to cuddle all the time. Sure, a nice arm around the shoulder can do wonders when we’re feeling down, movie snuggling is ideal on a cold, rainy evening, and post-sex spooning can be delightful. But some men put on the cuddling extra hard –like both in public and private. We get it, some men are more physical or sensitive or both than others. And some women are, well, more liberal with their ideas about relationships and feelings. There are those men who cuddle while sleeping, but it’s more like suffocation and they need to chill. Those men who need to hold us close when we’re walking on the street or who intertwine their bodies with ours –sure, it might look cute but no not really, it doesn’t look cute and it’s uncomfortable and please, baby jesus, let me breathe and I gotta go to the bathroom just to escape. Argh.
We want to be a part of one so desperately. We may have been a part of one. We might currently be a part of one. But what annoys us is rival cliques. Cliques who think they’re cooler than us or cliques that try to imitate us. There are cliques that are haters, there are others who are fakers, and still others that are cruel. Being a part of a clique is a rite of passage for many women and to be honest it’s unfair. It’s hard to peg ourselves down as just one idea for we are multi-layered and complex creatures. To pick one group and roll with it as though that one clique represents everything you are is ridiculous, but society seems to push us into the whole clique scene. Cliques are annoying. They include and exclude, they make fun, they judge, they shame, they hurt, and they kill. Nothing is more annoying than coming across a clique who thinks their ish don’t stink. Everyone’s got a clique, but know that clique is not synonymous with community.