You’re kicking, screaming and kind of tearing up. All signs are pointing to the “dry” love life you’ve been holding down for the better part of the year. It happens to everyone now and then and yes, at this point, your heart is on your sleeve. Here are some telltale signs that you are missing out on some action and in return, acting out on what others may be viewing as a little off the rocker. We’re here to help you check yourself before any permanent damage is done. Here are 15 signs you’re having a dry spell. Enjoy…
15 You’re Angry at Every Little Thing
Stress is on the rise, and the one thing you can really guarantee is that anyone in your path may get the brun of your temporary rant. This is problematic for a few reasons. The first, you may look like you have absolutely zero control over your emotions. Another? You may look like there is something personal going on with immediate family members. You’ll get the nice girl at the office say in passing “Hey, is everything okay?” You’re then obligated to say yes and what good did that do but make you a little more upset that someone peeped your insecurities?
14 You’re Losing Your Memory
You can’t remember the last time you took your dog out, and suddenly you’ve forgotten what time you’ve been getting up for work for the past nine months. This is another common sign you’re having a dry spell. It seems the time you should’ve been tending to your priorities has been used playing games of cat and mouse on dating apps and making sure that your to-do list is irrelevant so long as sex is at the top of that list.
13 Everyone is Looking Like a Potential
Suddenly those people you've been swiping left for some time now are starting to look cuter by the hour. You are finding quirky qualities in every bad actor on Netflix and you even considered making a Target run for the slightest chance you’ll run into "the one" who’s also buying scented candles and frozen dinners for one. You’ve done enough head turns to break your neck - another common case of the deserted and the untouched.
12 The Eggplant Emoji is the Green Light for you
You and your friend are slanging emojis like nobody’s business on a topic unrelated to sex whatsoever when in plops the eggplant emoji. You’re out of ammo. All you really want to do is see what that eggplant can do. You start fantasizing what you’d do just to have that eggplant right beside you in your time of need. You’ve completely obliterated the idea that this is only an emoji - a glitchy sensual moment that you’ve got to let go of.
11 You Skip to the sex Scenes in Movies
We’ve all seen a more than appetizing scene in films that maybe were uncomfortably X-rated while you were sitting beside a family member, but suddenly you feel the urge to relive the moment with balls to the walls. You become stimulated by the exotic mannerisms that maybe got you thinking dirty in the first place and start wondering when you’ll have a moment very similar; what’s more, you swear that could be you being embraced.
10 You Text Your ex
This is dangerous territory and will likely end in regret. For a moment in time, you forget anything the douche bag put you through, and start laying out the doormat for small talk. You’ve probably got a glass of wine beside you, and you’re not too much worried about anything past the present, so you run with it. Your thumb goes on a reminisce spree, and you start asking about random shit like their family, dog, how work is, what they ate for breakfast that morning - anything to show you care.
9 You’ve Gone au Naturale
The razors are collecting dust, and no-shave November has become a 12 month-long situation. You elect to wear pants every day because you just know for a fact that your legs look like something out of Planet of the Apes. You start sliding erroneous reasons for your growth to your friends like “I don’t think women should have to shave” or “It’s cold out, what’s the point." Any memes with girls getting some annoy the hell out of you. Who needs sex, anyway?
8 You Have to Delete Weeks of Internet Browser History Before Anyone Uses Your Laptop
You’ve got a presentation for work, and you’ve got to make sure, well in advance, that spammy porn suggestions don’t appear out of nowhere. The thought of someone asking you to go to your settings if your computer glitches you and you elect to reboot instead of clearing your cookies, a likely effective fix. You’re hoping and praying that nothing sketchy pops up as a suggestion when someone types in a URL (slow as ever, it seems).
7 Your Leopard Lace Panties are Getting no Love
You caught the semi-annual sale at Victoria's Secret, and you’ve been telling yourself that racy number is going to get some love one of these days. Months have gone by, and you’ve still got the tag on. You start going through a self-evaluation and personally decided that pair is for a special someone and not to be used for a one night stand. Neither of which you’ve come close to. Your period panties are in full rotation, and you’ve no intention of letting up.
6 You’ve Discovered new Tricks to Reach Your Climax in Record Time
You used to be maybe unsure of your likes and dislikes, but as of lately you have begun priding yourself on the super-speed climax. You’re past the relief of satisfaction and have moved on to an Olympic feat of climaxing in record time. Sure, it’s not the best climax, but you’re kind of impressed with yourself and start analyzing the progress over the years to get there so quickly. You’re sick to go about your day; it’s quick thrills you’ve long let go of.
5 Every Movement Becomes Consciously Sensual
The way someone applies chapstick, runs their hand through their hair, or even have the nerve to wear hot pants in Target with a perverted customer such as yourself strolling down aisle 6 or 9 just screams that they’ve got the same thing on their mind. You start making socially average motions a sensual mockery. People who you swear are staring with lust are seriously debating on whether or not you’re on a feel good drug.
4 You lie About the Last Time you did it
You would rather not be next at brunch to talk about the wild and crazy weekend you had. To be honest, it wasn’t so festive, you didn’t get laid, and you’d rather not tell the bros you were watching That’s So Raven re-runs and snacking on Fruit Gushers. Instead, you say something like “I was so busy" or “I was just exhausted from the week, that I had no energy to party." No girl, you didn’t get a like back from that fine glass of wine on Bumble.
3 You Consider Booking a Massage
You’ve reached your wits end and just need human touch that isn’t your mom's bear hugs or your friend’s “hey girl.” What says "I’m dying to be embraced in any manner whatsoever" than stripping down to your panties to get a proper slow rub down - even if you did pay for it. You start thinking about if they actually enjoy rubbing your back and what if scenarios like “what if they really are attracted to me to want to rub those knots out of my shoulder?” It’s all a blur and after 55 minutes, they’re asking you to get dressed and pay at the counter and the moment is gone.
2 You Start Perving Like Those old men on the Street
You have always rolled your eyes at those slobs who loiter around passing pickups to women even while it's clearly unwanted. You start thinking about their desires and may even consider them to be legit. Can’t you really judge them, right? These lonely people should need a little love too. You start to sincerely pity them and think about how close you are to being them…just shouting to people on the street with piffy pick-ups like “you got a bae?” or “Damn, hey sexy come here."
1 When You’re Picking out 'Toys' Like a Lifelong Commitment
You’re whipping your hatchback into the back parking lot of your neighborhood adult store and go in there looking for a serious commitment. You’ve got a lengthy list of what your toy must be equipped with, and you’ve dedicated an entire 2 hours to picking “the one” that won’t let you down like the jerks you messed with in the past. This will be the surrogate to your love life lost.