It's entirely possible to think that you want to be in a relationship but actually be a commitment phobe. Sometimes you might want certain aspects of a relationship or like the idea of it, but at the same time have a harder time with the emotional stuff that goes along with it. This can come from being hurt and past failures in relationships, or it can just have to do with generalized fears that you haven't worked out yet. Whatever the reason may be, it does happen and it really is ok if you are. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to commit, except that it can be a confusing feeling and also tends to hurt other people along the way if you end up leading them along. Awareness is always key. Here are some signs that you might actually be a commitment-phobe, even if you are actively dating.
15 You Only Have One Type
If you only are attracted to one type of guy, you may think that's no big deal, but it's actually kind of a problem. It can actually be a defense mechanism that's keeping you away from more suitable options. A good example is, of course, being super into the bad boy... because, naturally, he's unavailable in every way. You still get to crush and get involved and pine after him but it's all safe because he's never actually going to choose you or be the man you want him to be, and you know this deep down on some level. Having a single type doesn't make any sense when you really think about it because the qualities that really make a good man and good boyfriend can exist in every shape and form of human out there. It's something to consider when you find yourself trying and failing over and over with the same type of person.
14 You Hate PDA
Shying away from PDA can be a sign that you are not totally comfortable with your relationship and you are totally fine being out in the open. If you are not, it might be because you are not actually completely comfortable with the relationship itself. Some people are not big on PDA in general, but it's worth considering why a little kiss feels like such a big issue for you. Not being comfortable with a relationship can mean there are other issues besides just commitment issues of course, like whether you actually like the person at all. But if you know that you like him, and you still aren't comfortable with being looked at by other people, it could be that you don't want people knowing so you can hold up your "singleness" for a little while longer. This doesn't usually feel great to the other person in the relationship.
13 You're Negative About Dating
If you consider the world of dating to be hard and pretty much the worst thing ever, you might actually be scared of commitment. Throwing around comments like "all the good ones are taken," "everyone cheats," "Tinder does not work," is super silly. These are limiting beliefs and they just are not true. Nothing else is totally black and white so why would dating be? Yeah, there are cheaters but there are also nice people who are single and looking for the one like you supposedly are. But perhaps that is the issue... you are not actually willing to be open to the one. If you were, you would admit that it is possible for him to come along. While you are busy being negative, you are just effectively cutting off your options and actually making those limiting beliefs come true. And you probably do not want to be doing that.
12 You Aren't Cool With Being Insta Official
Not wanting to share photos of your relationship is another sign that you are a little uneasy about the commitment. It might not be that you are trying to hide the relationship because you want to cheat or anything, but you just don't feel 100 percent sold on all levels. Is there a part of you that would consider trading up if something better came along, so you don't want to limit your options? A lot of people use the excuse that they don't want other people in their business... but you have to wonder why that is. Really committing to a relationship requires authenticity and openness on a lot of different levels, as well as being fair and supportive of the person that you're with. Hiding someone indefinitely isn't ever going to work, and it might point to the fact that you're in the relationship for the wrong reasons.
11 You Run At The First Sign Of Trouble
If you're a bit of a flight risk when it comes to new relationships, it's probably because you're scared of commitment. If someone says one wrong thing and you suddenly stop liking them or you're offended by their foot and feel the need to end it, it's because you're creating an easy out for yourself. You have to know that the small things don't necessarily mean anything, but the fact that you aren't willing to look beyond them just means that you aren't willing to give anyone a chance. You want perfect, which doesn't exist. If you really wanted to be in a relationship you would want a person, who's definitely going to be imperfect. If you have an easy time cutting people off, you're not thinking through the relationship. You're being emotionally unavailable and convincing yourself to shut someone out so there's no chance of them getting to you and changing your mind.
10 You Want To Be Monogamous Yet Casual
You might have the desire to be in a monogamous relationship because you don't want your new boyfriend seeing anyone else while he's with you. But you're kind of confusing because you also want to keep things casual so you can run at a moment's notice if you need to. This isn't a real relationship, however, because you're clearly not in the place to be in one. You can't demand a level of commitment from someone but then not be willing to offer your own. Sometimes this step can be a midway zone on the path of moving into a more serious relationship, but if it's where you want to stay it will only work if he wants the exact same thing from you. But for a lot of people the desire to be casual works specifically because they want to be able to see other people, not because they want to be monogamous.
9 You Get Bored Fast
If you get bored really quickly when you're dating someone new, and this keeps happening time and time again, it might be stemming from your commitment issues. For one thing, you might be seeking out boring people on purpose at some level since you know that you'll grow bored and won't end up in a real consuming relationship. Additionally, you might have an extremely low tolerance for what you consider boring because you're a bit of a relationship thrill seeker. If you think drama and chaos are necessary to keep a relationship alive you're working with the wrong relationships. Those aspects of a relationship can read as passion on the surface but in actuality, they make it harder to connect emotionally and create real and lasting bonds with people. Good relationships shouldn't be boring, but they also don't need to be a total roller coaster all the time to mean something.
8 You Want Physical Perfection
You have extremely high standards for what a romantic interest should look like, but the problem with this is that you are always looking at someone's appearance first. When you are focused more on the physical attributes and have specific quotas to fill then you are going to be overlooking or passing up some of the internal qualities that are also important to you. Ideally, there is a guy out there that hits it out of the park in both internal and external awesomeness, but looking just for perfection is going to limit you from a lot of people. Anytime that you are purposefully creating limits on your dating life you are operating from a just place of your own being. You should not lower your standards on how you want to be treated, but you also know that there is not a perfect person out there... including you.
7 You Don't Work On Yourself
You constantly end things with people because you think you deserve better, but you are not taking the time to work on yourself or create more to bring to the table in a relationship. If you think that you do not have to change at all but you expect people to rush in and support your every need, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Relationships require compromise from both people, as well as support and encouragement. You better believe that if you have a suggestion for how someone could be a better man he has some ideas about how you could be a better woman as well. When we don't look internally or try to grow emotionally we tend to repeat a lot of the same mistakes until we have to. Sometimes we resist growth because we're afraid of what will come into our lives once we do.
6 You're Always Open To Trading Up
If you have a boyfriend but always keep hope in the back of your mind that someone cuter and richer is going to come along, you might be a little scared of commitment. You might be really, really scared, actually. What you're basically doing is agreeing to be in a relationship... but with a ton of conditions. You're saying this is all good as long as you give yourself an out, which means that you really aren't committing at all. How can you be in a relationship if you aren't committing? You only partway can. There are a few issues with this. For one thing, you might be with the wrong person. You could also be with the right person but not be ready. Even if someone "better" did come along and you made the choice to leave, if you weren't ready to commit deeply before you probably wouldn't be at that point either, which means that you might end up in the wrong relationship yet again.
5 You Don't Listen
If you choose to totally and completely ignore your boyfriend most of the time and don't even try to understand what he's feeling, then you definitely have some commitment issues. You don't want to hear him because, the truth is, that would make you super emotional or make you think that you should make some kind of change. Since you're basically a great big commitment-phobe, you don't think that anyone else should make you feel, think, or do anything that wasn't your idea in the first place. You're basically trying to control this entire relationship and so you can probably see that the other person might not be super into this. When your new boyfriend brings it up and tells you this is an issue, then you have some real proof that things aren't really working with this person anyway, and push them away even more. See how this works?
4 You Don't "Do" Feelings
Feelings are so overrated, right? If you do not think that feelings are for you, then you certainly are not in the place for a romantic relationship. You might do fine with a partner that is more of an agreement as opposed to a relationship if that is what you want. The truth is that any kind of relationship in life requires feelings of some sort because you need to be able to be empathetic and care about what other people think and feel to actually be a fixture in their life. People who are emotionally distant can feel distrustful, manipulative, and even unkind. We all want to be comfortable on some level with the people we care about, and connecting deep enough to feel comfortable requires some emotional sensitivity. Many people who are not in touch with their feelings are repressing things, which points to discord and trouble.
3 You Like Making Him Mad
You like to irritate your boyfriend because you are trying to stay in control. It is manipulative to purposefully make people angry, and it is disrespectful, so it is not something that you should be doing, especially to anyone that you supposedly care about. You might also enjoy making him mad because there is a part of you that wants to keep him at a distance, and you think that he can't possibly love you all the way through if you are constantly acting up. This is turn creates a safer feeling for you since you are afraid of getting too close. It feels better to know that you are misbehaving than to let someone all the way in. There is no other reason why you would want to make someone angry other than control... unless you really just do not like him at all. And then why are you even in this thing?
2 You Never Know What Went Wrong
If you do not know what went wrong in your last relationship or feel like you did not learn and grow from it, you might be checking out in order to avoid commitment. If you are in a committed relationship walking away from it will be a bit complex no matter who made the move to end it. Relationships are complicated, and the emotions that go along with them generally are complicated as well. Even when a relationship ends because the other person did someone wrong there is always a take away for you. Things like why were you in a relationship with another cheater, why did not you trust your intuition, and even learning how to accept that you are not to blame for someone else's bad behavior. If you don't have any thoughts about the relationship, you probably were not really all in, and that is a problem.
1 You Want A Relationship For The Wrong Reasons
You might not be completely aware of the fact that you want a relationship for the wrong reasons but it's easy to figure out. If you feel pressure about your age, pressure because all your friends are getting married, you're afraid to be alone, you want money and status etc etc. These reasons are coming from the wrong place, and they will usually set you up with someone that you don't truly love. If you're a commitment phobe, then getting into a relationship with someone that they don't actually love makes sense, since the emotional aspect isn't there. You think this guy is cute or you stay in the relationship to save face and you feel like it's reasonable because hey, it's easy enough for you to walk away if you have to. When you're ready for a real and actual commitment, you're going to want to emotionally connect with someone, and you won't date anyone unless you really see the potential for love.