Ah, unrequited love. One of the most painful feelings any person can ever experience, and one almost everyone does. Instead of enjoying sweetness, security, and laughter, you get to face uncertainty, anxiety, and sadness. But sometimes the one we love is just too delicious to let go of, no matter how many signs we get that they don’t feel the same way. So, we throw ourselves at their feet, embarrass ourselves doing things we promised we would never do, and really just ignore all sense of dignity and self-preservation.
So how do you know if the guy you’re so into is just not so into you? You’ve probably been told a few of the signs below, and maybe you’ve listened (though, if we’re being honest, you’ve probably ignored them). But some signs might surprise you, because the guy who keeps you on the hook, who manipulates you and your emotions to feed his ego and his drive, is a crafty one whose player tactics have been used again and again. But hey, you’re not totally innocent, either: you fell head over heels despite your better judgment. Fortunately, all is not lost, if you do yourself a favor and heed these signs: get out, and get out now.
15 You Text First
Are you always spamming your crush with endless texts? Do your chats typically read as you trying to start a conversation while he replies with one word (or maybe even the dreaded ‘K’)? If you’ve got a case of word vomit on your phone, you might want to consider the fact that the guy you’re into may not be so into you. All those cute little inside jokes you’re attempting to share, those snaps you send him to remind him that he’s on your mind, or those indecipherable emoji bursts are coming off as more desperate than dateable. Instead of playing hard to get, you’ve just let him win the whole thing. Your text spam is easy to ignore and the last thing you want to be is forgettable – or forgotten. If he can’t be bothered to send you a text, chances are he can’t be bothered to be your BF.
14 You Make All the Plans
You feel like checking out a new movie that you’ve been dying to see, or hitting up a dive bar for a night of cheap beer and pool. Whatever you’ve got in mind for the weekend, you can bet that you’ll be the only one to make sure those plans follow through, because your guy never makes any!
You’ve asked him what he feels like doing and he usually says “Nothing.” Or, you’ve suggested something, and he’s sort of shrugged and sighed until he finally agreed, but he’s never seemed too excited to actually go anywhere or do anything with you. His rationalization is that you’re going to end up back at his place anyway, so why not cut to the chase and get naked now? If this sounds like your current crush, it’s probably not just because he’s lazy – it’s because he’d rather not put in the mental work to think up an idea and actually follow through with it.
13 You Never Meet His Friends/Family
If you’re always sneaking out the back door when his roommates come home or are never invited to nights out with his friends and their girlfriends, then I hate to break it to you, but he does not consider you worth the effort. Keeping your relationship a secret probably felt kind of sexy and mysterious at first, but now you’re starting to feel more than a little ashamed.
When guys (or people in general) are proud of who they’re dating and the relationship they’re in, they want to show it off. Getting to know the family and friends is a test to see how your SO stacks up in the eyes of others. If your crush is skipping this step (or avoiding it altogether), it doesn’t mean he’s not proud – he's just not committed. Bringing you into the public eye means he’ll be asked about you regularly, and if he’s insisting it’s all casual, then he looks like a jerk not only to you, but to everyone else in his circle.
12 He Only Hits You Up Late At Night
It’s 2am and you’re snuggled up all cozy in bed, Netflix on the TV, and ready to call it a night. Then your phones buzzes. Of course, it’s him. Was there any doubt?
You’re probably getting a boozy “wyd?”, “what up?”, or “hey ;)” (sans punctuation), because this guy is just finishing up at the bar with his buddies and didn’t manage to score a new girl to bring home, so he’s texting you – good old reliable you. Never mind the fact that it’s late, you’d usually be asleep, and you don’t really feel like getting back up and going out this early in the morning. But, since you’re hopelessly, haplessly into this dude, you give in, because you know if you don’t, it’ll be radio silence for weeks. Getting the booty call – or booty text – just shows this guy’s lack of respect for you, your life, or your schedule. Boy, bye.
11 He Notices Nothing
You got a new haircut or started going to the gym more, but he never said a word. While you notice if he’s worn the same shirt two days in a row, he’d be hard-pressed to describe you to anyone. Is this just a guy thing? No, it’s because he couldn’t care less about you, and that includes the little details you alter about your appearance.
His inability to compliment you is a surefire sign that he doesn’t really care about you or your feelings. That lack of attention to detail is because he considers you a minor character in the great production of his life. Plus, if he’s too busy tearing off your clothes, why would he stop to compliment your new perfume or the fancy underwear you just bought? He may think that flattery is unnecessary, but if he were your boyfriend, he’d probably at least let you know when you look nice. News flash: he’s not your boyfriend.
10 He Never Asks About You
Do your in-person conversations usually feel pretty one-sided? Are you stuck asking all the questions and learning everything about his life while he can’t even remember where you work or what you majored in? When a guy uses your time together as his own monologue hour, it’s a clear sign that he doesn’t care to learn about you or your life. If you can recall all of the names of his childhood pets and what he wanted to be when he was twelve, but he forgets your last name, it’s time to get over him. This guy isn’t even using you as a sounding board, he just likes to hear himself talk! It’s an indicator of his extraordinary ego and your incredible patience. You’ve stopped trying to get a word in edgewise, because he just talks over you. If you wanted to talk at something and get nothing in return, just go sit in front of a wall at home.
9 Everything You Do Involves Drinking
If this guy can only deal with you through beer goggles, that can be a huge blow to your self-esteem and ego. Let me tell you now, it’s not you – it’s him. This man-child thinks the best nights out involve pitchers with his bros, chugging contests, and drinking games. Instead of enjoying any sober activities, he wants you liquored up because when the blood alcohol level goes up, the clothes come off. He likes the almost-guaranteed loss of your inhibitions that comes from being inebriated, and knows that you’ll be that much more into him when you don’t have your sober self telling you to keep in together. Also, when you’re spending all your time drinking, conversation doesn’t have to be nearly as sparkling, witty, intelligent, or interesting as it would be if you were stone-sober. Bonus: getting you drunk makes it seem like you did something, so you can’t nag him about how you never do anything.
8 Your Never Stay Over
He’s never at your place, but he always has you over at his. You think this means it’s because he’s so comfortable having you over, but really it’s because he doesn’t want to know what kind of life you lead outside of his bedroom.
After you both get it on, you’re probably not staying the night. Instead, you get sent home in a cab or an Uber without a kiss goodbye. Or, if you do stay over (usually the result of drinking too much), you can bet that you won’t be offered a shower or breakfast in the morning (and any cuddling is entirely accidental). Instead, it’ll be you scraping the mascara goop off your face while you try and look pretty enough for him to want a morning round two. Having your fun is great and totally encouraged, but when you feel like garbage the morning after (and he lets you feel that way), is it really worth it?
7 He's selfish in bed
Speaking of staying over, all that sex you guys are having instead of sleeping is almost always bound to be disappointing. Why? Because a dude who’s not into who you are definitely doesn’t care about giving you a good time. Good sex requires communication, and this guy is totally lacking in that department. Instead of working hard to give you a big O, it’s more like a lot of grunts, sweat, and then an “oh no”. This guy is the kind who expects you to take trips downtown – especially during that time of the month – but will never reciprocate. He couldn’t find your G-spot or clitoris even if he had a map, and if the sex isn’t even any good, what are you getting out of this whole thing? Kick that selfish jerk out of bed and get yourself a man who not only can make you feel good all over, but genuinely, sincerely wants to.
6 You Put In More Effort
You got all dolled up for your date night, and he shows up looking like he just rolled out of bed, but not in a sexy way. While you were spending your day getting waxed, buffed, styled, washed, dressed, whatever-d, he threw on a pair of jeans that sort of passed the sniff test. That level of effort (or lack thereof) should tell you a lot about this dude. You’re trying to look your hottest because you want him to want you the way you want him. He, on the other hand, knows you’ll take him as is (as you’ve proven again and again), so he figures why should he bother?
Getting glammed up isn’t a necessity every day, but if your guy doesn’t even try to impress you or seduce you, then your own efforts are sorely wasted. Instead of being miserable, flip your hair back, shake it off, and get on with your damn self!
5 He Texts When He’s With You
You try to convince yourself he’s just playing games on his phone or checking his Instagram feed or Snapchat stories, but you know he’s really texting. It could be a friend, or his mom, but the part of your self-esteem that’s been cut to shreds believes it to be other girls.
Instead of enjoying time with you, he’s mentally somewhere else. Paying more attention to his phone means he’s occupied with things that he considers far more interesting than you and whatever you were talking about. Even if he is playing games, do you really want to be involved with a guy who’d rather level up in Candy Crush than spend time with you? If you’re getting mumbled answers while his eyes are glued to his screen, you’re not only more into him than he is into you – he’s also more into his phone than he is into you. Ouch.
4 He Cancels Plans
Did you get stood up, or did he just bail? Or maybe he forgot? There are a lot of excuses to cancel plans, but when it happens as often and as last minute as this guy’s cancellations, it’s pretty doubtful that all those excuses will be good ones.
Sure, stuff comes up, and sometimes it can’t be helped, but when he bails on your plan for drinks to go out drinking with the boys, it can definitely feel like a slap in the face. If the guy just doesn’t want to get together with you, why do you want to waste your time, effort, thoughts, and emotions on someone who can’t even give you the bare minimum? Instead of crying into your wine, throw that glass back, put on a brave face, and go have a good time with someone who, I don’t know, actually likes you? Trust me, you’ll feel a lot better once you realize your social life and mood don’t hinge on what he feels like doing.
3 He Keeps Things Vague
Are you two dating? In a relationship? Friends with benefits? Bed buddies? You don’t know what to tell your friends when they ask, because you don’t know yourself.
When you and this guy first saw each other's bits and pieces, you’d decided to keep things casual, leave things open. (Or was it you who said that? It seems more like a him-thing that you ended up agreeing to.) Keeping your situation vague is ideal for this guy, because that means he can continue to pick up and hit on other girls, guilt-free. You, on the other hand, are so wrapped up in knots over him that things feel way more serious when it comes to your emotions – you couldn’t imagine opening yourself up to someone else while you’re so entwined with him! This keeping you on the hook is a favorite tactic of dudes like him, because he can shrug off all ownership if you ever get hurt.
2 Your Time Is All About Him
So he’s really into baseball, but you couldn’t name a single team if your life depended on it. Or he's been into woodworking since he was a kid and can whip up a table in a jiffy, whereas you have never bothered to create anything with your hands in your entire life. But, to show your love and devotion, you made an effort to learn the rules of the game and how to operate a sander.
Your obvious interest in his passions and activities are a clear sign that you care about what means a lot to him, but he won’t return the favor. In fact, he laughs when you suggest he should accompany you to a wine and paint night, or join you at a concert of your favorite band. If your crush isn’t even the least bit curious about the things you love, then he’s not that curious about you. And eventually, all those guy-friendly outings will get really old.
1 He Posts Pictures With Other Girls
If he’s afraid of a little PDA with you, but happily shares snapshots of himself cozied up with some random hotties at a bar, you might want to consider where his priorities lie. These girls could be friends (not that you would know) or new conquests, but either way, they are definitely not you. For a guy who is all cagey about sharing your relationship with the rest of the world, he seems pretty at ease letting all his buddies know that he’s got game.
If your crush is more comfortable showing off his arm candy than he is showing off you (don’t worry, beautiful, you’re gorgeous), it’s a clear ploy to let everyone know he’s available – and to let you know that you guys are anything but serious. It’s not subtle, it’s pretty mean, and you know that if you ask him about it, he’ll bring up how you two are supposed to be “casual”. Lose-lose.