15 Signs You Keep Letting Him Suck You Back In

Just when you thought you were rid of him for good, you get that usual text or voicemail asking to meet up for an innocent coffee. You go along because you can’t bring yourself to say no, because friends meet up for coffee all the time, and then you blink and he’s talking about getting back together. Yep, we’ve all been there!

When you’ve lost the guy of your dreams, this might be the answer to your prayers. But what if your ex is less dreamy than you thought, and he’s trying to reel you back in before you wake up to that? What if he’s got you in a cycle of using you and letting you go, so he can have you when he wants and push you aside when it suits?

Luckily for those who are asking, we’ve compiled a list of signs that this is exactly what’s happening: he’s sucking you in all over again.


15 He Undermines Your Confidence

A confident, independent woman is the antagonist in a manipulative ex’s story. If you love yourself and know your worth, you’re a lot less likely to get sucked in to his BS again. So he might try the old trick of tearing down your self-esteem and confidence, with the end goal of making you think you need him. Watch out for low-key insults and back-handed compliments that slowly but surely make you feel bad about yourself. He might pick on the things that he knows make you happy and make fun of your hobbies and interests to get you to question and eventually drop them. If he’s especially clever (and awful!), he’ll bring up your insecurities and try to make them bigger. He thinks that all of this will make you weak and emotionally vulnerable, and ready for him to come in and save you. Don’t buy into it for a second!

14 He Makes Promises You Can’t Believe


It is possible that people can change, and we do believe in second chances. That said, the old phrase “actions speak louder than words” is really important when you’re deciding whether someone deserves your forgiveness or not. It’s pretty easy to utter the word “sorry” and promise to do something differently, but actually acting on those promises is another matter entirely! And if he promises to do things that you just can’t believe, it might not be a good idea to wait around and see if he fulfills them. You might not believe him because he’s made the same promises before and not lived up to them, or because you can already see that his behavior and surroundings aren’t reflecting those commitments. Heck, you might even just have a gut feeling that you can’t trust what he’s saying! Second chances can do a lot of good, but remember that you’re not obliged to give them.

13 He Makes You Feel Guilty

If he’s actually a decent person who deserves another shot, he won’t need to rely on making you feel guilty in order to get you back. So if you do realize that he’s guilting you into taking him back, watch out. It doesn’t have to be as explicit as “get back together with me or I’ll be depressed” either, although some exes do like to try that one! He might first start by guilting you into seeing him. “Can we hang out? I’m feeling lonely,” and “will you come over? I need help sorting out this problem,” are classics. You don’t have to completely abandon him if you really are friends, but just be aware of patterns like that, which are designed to make you feel like you’re a terrible person if you don’t drop everything and run over to him. Someone who actually loves you would feel too guilty at the thought of making you feel guilty to pull something like this.

12 He Plays Other Emotional Games


If nothing else is working for your ex, he might try out a mind game or two to manipulate you into coming back. One of the standard moves exes love to make is acting angry, so you feel like you have to be extra nice to them to solve the bad blood. Even if you don’t plan on going back to them originally, you might change your mind after you spend some time with them to sort out your problems and stop them from hating you. This trick usually works because none of us enjoy it when people are mad at us, and we usually want to sort out any unnecessary conflicts like that. Especially if you left it on good terms and then he’s suddenly angry, you might go crazy trying to work out what you did wrong. It’s all part of the plan to hook you like a fish on a line!

11 He Uses People To Get To You

An honest and genuine person would approach you directly if they were interested in getting back together (and they wouldn’t have to resort to mind games and other emotional acts of sabotage). A red flag should be going up in your mind when you start hearing that your ex wants you back from lots of different people. It’s one thing to casually mention to a friend that he wants you back, but it’s another to tell third parties in the hope that they’ll mention it to you. If he’s really direct, he might even ask them to deliver you a message, or strategically pick people that he thinks you’ll listen to. At the end of the day, the relationship is between the two of you, and it shouldn’t be anybody else’s business. If he has to involve other people, it’s usually not a good sign!

10 Your Friends Can See It

The reactions of your friends and family can speak volumes about what’s really going on in your love life. One of the trickiest parts of navigating toxic relationships and breaking away from them is that even though in your mind you know this person is bad for you, you still have feelings for them that stop you from making the best decision. So it can be a good idea to ask family and friends (who you trust and who are reasonably minded themselves!) for their opinion. At the end of the day, the decision as to whether you go back or keep spending time with an ex will rest with you, because it’s true that our loved ones don’t always know what’s best for us. But if the general consensus around your close group of supporters is that he’s sucking you in again, then he’s probably sucking you in again. Nine times out of ten, anyway.

9 He Gives You an Ultimatum

They say that if you love someone, you will let them go. Really loving them means that their happiness is your top priority, and if that happiness means that you’re not in the picture, then so be it. Therefore, someone who really loves you will never give you an ultimatum or pressure you into getting back together. And someone who does is just sucking you in and making you their kitten on a string! Beware of him mentioning that if you don’t get back together with him he’s going to move away, or start dating someone else or never speak to you again. He’s his own person and he’s free to do all of those things, but they shouldn’t have anything to do with you. As soon as you feel like your back is against the wall, wake up and remember that you always have a choice, and his making you feel like you don’t is just one of his methods.


8 You Can’t Forget the Reason You Left

One way to suck someone in is to distract them from the reasons that they left in the first place. If he’s trying to get you back even though he knows you had a good reason for leaving, then he might try to focus your attention away from that reason. For argument’s sake, he might avoid smoking in front of you if that was the biggest factor in your decision to break up, or he might not talk about an ex that he still sees or his massive benders every weekend that you were never comfortable with. All that stuff is still in his life, but he doesn’t want you to know that. One of the clear signs that you shouldn’t be getting back together and that you are getting sucked in under your own nose is if you keep thinking about the reasons you broke up, despite his efforts to distract you.

7 He Tries to Make You Jealous

Jealousy is another mind game that tends to work wonders on people. Even though you might not want something with your heart, it suddenly looks shiny and new again when someone else wants it. So even though he might not have anybody else in his life at the moment, he’ll try to make it seem like he does. And if he actually does, he’ll try to rub it in your face. Look out for conversations that totally revolve around how many women he has on call or how many people he’s hooked up with since you’ve been separated. Really, there’s no need to go into all this detail, even if it is true. He’s just trying to make you feel like if you don’t take him back, then someone else will. It’s his hope that you’ll crumble under the pressure and just go back, but don’t!

6 He Butters You Up

If making you feel guilty doesn’t work, he might go the opposite way and butter you up until you melt. Part of this is usually taking full responsibility for the break up, and everything else that went wrong in your relationship. Even if a lot of it was his fault, one party is rarely completely innocent, and nobody’s perfect. Rather than looking at your flaws alongside his and trying to come up with solutions so you can move forward in a healthy way, he’s trying to win you over by making you think he’s a sweetheart. Total emotional bribery! A little flattery is fine, as are a few tokens of affection when getting back together, but your reunion should be based on wanting to give your relationship another shot, not gratitude for expensive jewelry and endless compliments. Remember that it shouldn’t take a break up to get him to start treating you the way you want to be treated!

5 You Have a Bad Gut Feeling

One very simple way to know if he’s just sucking you in again is by listening to your gut. A lot of the time, your natural instincts know what’s up! We often underestimate what our heart tells us and the way our body reacts to certain situations, but listen up if you just can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t a good idea. With a hint of nausea and feeling blue, your body might be telling you that his real motive is to win you back, after you tell yourself that you’re just catching up with him again as a friend. Or if you tell yourself that things will be different this time, your gut might suggest something else with persistent nervous feelings and an urge to distance yourself from him. Sometimes our instincts get things wrong, but in cases like this, it’s very rare! Just take the time to listen to yourself.

4 He Acts Like You’re Still Together

Every now and then, you’ll get an ex who thinks he can trick you into taking him back by trying to make you forget that you were ever apart in the first place. It sounds crazy, but it does actually work on people! Depending on how long you’ve been broken up, there’s usually an adjustment period once you decide to get back together—not everyone can just pick up where they left off. But he might try to hold your hand, tell you things that only partners tell each other and act in other ways that he used to when you were together. This is particularly sneaky because rather than putting in effort to face the problem and get you back honestly, he’s trying to skip all that work. Keep an eye out for an ex trying to act like you’re still together, even if his behavior seems cute. It’s not!

3 He Tells You You’ll Never Find Anyone Else

Also falling under the umbrella of mind games that exes play is the classic move of making you think he’s your only option. This is actually part of him undermining your confidence, but it’s so common and effective that it deserves its own category! Many of us are afraid of ending up alone, and want to find true love more than we want anything else. A good way to suck someone back to you is to play on those fears that they have and make them think that they will end up alone if they don’t come back to you. You’d be surprised how many people make their exes feel terrible by saying that they’ll never find love or happiness again. How ever he phrases this one, just know that it’s not true and he’s a huge douche for even implying it. Anyway, you are actually better off alone than with someone who says stuff like that.

2 All He Has to Offer Are Memories


It was Tony Soprano who once said that “remember when” is the lowest point of conversation. There might be other topics that are just as bad, but we have to agree that constantly talking about the past doesn’t make for a good future. You might have beautiful memories together, and they might make you laugh and smile when you reminisce. But a healthy relationship has to be based on more than just what happened in the past. If that’s all he’s got to offer you, then it’s a sign you’re getting sucked back into a pointless relationship, rather than mending one that has hope. It’s a fact of life that people change, and especially after you’ve been through something like a break up, you’re not going to be exactly the same person you were: you won’t find the same things funny, and things that once made you happy might now carry negative associations. So to rely on things that used to make your relationship a happy one shows that there’s not much hope at all.

1 He Boosts Your Ego (Temporarily)

Pay attention to how you feel when you see him. Does he make you feel cool and confident, but then those feelings disappear as soon as he’s gone? If that’s the case, then he might be boosting your ego. Couples making each other feel strong and assured is a good thing, but it’s not a good thing if you rely on the other person to feel like that. So if you find that this is happening when you’re spending time with him, you might be falling back into the trap of being with someone just for the ego boost. This is more to do with you than him, although he might be purposefully tapping into your desires and insecurities to get you back. If you know that you’re the kind of person who only feels confident when you’re in a relationship, then feeling temporarily poised when you’re with him could show that you’re getting sucked into the cycle all over again.


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