“I’m just not ready…for this”, as he motions between the two of you. You think, “but…you chased me for months”, how is this possible? What could have possibly happened between now and then that made him change his mind? Is it me? Did I do something to provoke this? You start beating yourself up thinking it was all because of that one time you forgot to pick up his package at the post office, or maybe it was because you said his cat is annoying. You didn’t mean it! You swear! Well, you will be happy to know that none of these reasons are behind his sudden change of heart. He’s breaking it off because he isn’t ready and didn’t know it. Unfortunate that it took being with an amazing girl for years before he actually figured it out. Some guys are a little slow, it’s ok. Be sure to watch out for these 15 signs when selecting a potential long term BF.
15 He Really, Really Wants a Girlfriend
Ok, desperation is so not hot. If your guy is coming on really strong, then it might be worth a second look. Ask this to yourself; does he seem like the kind of guy who would cling onto the closest girl to give him the time of day and without a second thought, launch into a full blown relationship with her instantly? If he doesn’t even pretend to “play it cool”, he might just not have very much to choose from and you’re the first person to say yes. He might get super excited at the prospect of being with you long term immediately. He just has no chill whatsoever. Usually, in the beginning phases, there is at least some aloofness or even a little bit of mystery. If he’s making you the center of his world too soon, you might be a band-aid solution. Pull it off quickly and it will hurt less.
14 He Hates His Parents
Whoa, dude. All I did was ask where you grew up. If he seems to have a love/hate relationship with his parents, it could be a sign he’s using you to fill his needs for the unconditional love he never got from his mom and dad. According to a recent study, “research suggests that, on average, parents in higher quality relationships tend to have better-adjusted children with more positive attitudes toward marriage, who themselves are more likely to have quality relationships and marriages”. I wouldn’t argue that for a second. If he dismisses the topic every time you try to find out about his parents, run the other way. It’s healthy to have a little bit of a “misunderstanding” in the relationship, but to bash them at every chance you’ve got? Definitely not healthy. Be aware that he’s trying to solve his deep-seated issues through you. You are not about to be someone’s Freudian punching bag.
13 He’s Negative About Everything
If he always seems to look on the not-so-bright side of life, it might be worth considering he’s not relationship material after all. Seeing things in a negative way is a symptom of an incomplete life. He might have everything a boy could ever want, but still isn’t happy. “Maybe a girlfriend will help? Nope, I still feel incomplete”. There was a study done by John Cacioppo, Ph. D at the University of Chicago to test our brain’s reactions to negative stimuli versus positive stimuli. Cacioppo says, “the brain reacts more strongly to stimuli it deems negative. There is a greater surge in electrical activity. Thus, our attitudes are more heavily influenced by downbeat news than good news”. So he’s pretty much addicted to negativity at this point and not even you can change this. Avoid getting dumped later for not being the missing puzzle piece to his life. Time to move on.
12 He Doesn’t Have a Career Plan
So he might not have a career yet and that’s fine because perhaps you don’t either, but he should at least have a plan. If he seems to be flitting from career option to career option, he’s not ready to commit to you, let alone a job. One day he might want to be a personal trainer and the next day he has this “awesome idea for a tech start-up”. He keeps changing his mind and isn’t sure who he wants to be in this world. This is not a good sign. If you pick up on this early, then you won’t have to go through the “I just need to figure myself out for a while” excuse down the road when he breaks it off with you. If he doesn’t have a clear plan that he seems to be consistently sticking to, your best bet is to get out.
11 He Doesn’t Have Any Friends
This one will come right back to bite you. In the beginning, it might seem great that he’s able to spend so much time with you, but the relationship will start to feel unbalanced. He will begin to resent you for going out every weekend with your girlfriends and not choosing to stay home with him to continue your Lord of the Rings movie marathon. It’s not too hard to believe that socialization increases cognitive function and makes you a generally happier person. You need a social life to feel fulfilled in your day-to-day life. If you don’t have a couple buddies to keep you company, something is seriously wrong. It’s not important to have a lot of friends, but it’s assumed you would have picked up at least 2 or 3 really close friends that aren’t your family in the entirety of your existence. You are now his “best friend” and at first it was cute, but after awhile it got a little…eerie. When there are no friends, there’s fire. Run!
10 He’s Never Been With Someone Long Term
You may have heard a few things from him here and there about his pursuits in the love department but he never really mentions an ex; it is always things like “this one girl I dated” or “it was just a fling” etc. You probably start thinking…”Has he ever been in a long term relationship?” The answer is no and you are next on the chopping block. He gets spooked when it gets serious and instead of confronting you with issues that arise, he would rather just cut you out of his life and get his next honeymoon fix. It is quite possible that you will be the one to break him and get him to open up to you, but think of it this way…he is just not ready yet. It is not your fault. When this sign shows up, you owe it to yourself to bounce the hell out of there.
9 He’s Gone Through a Recent Breakup
No one wants to be a rebound. Two things happen after getting out of a serious relationship. You either revel in your new found independence or go straight for the rebound. This guy needs that safe, cuddly feeling of a warm body in his bed and he doesn’t really care who or what it is. The truth of the matter is, he’s just not ready! It might seem like a fairytale romance at first but guess what. He just got out of an epic love affair and is now carrying the love he had for his ex-girlfriend over to you. You don’t need no second-hand love. If he talks a lot about his ex and is totally smothering you it’s a huge sign you’re a rebound and heading towards the end of this relationship. The most important hint, however; is the amount of time between his break up and when he started dating you. If it’s less than a month, get out now.
8 Everything is Too Perfect
Does your relationship feel like a god damn fairy tale at every twist and turn? That’s because it’s going to end soon (insert evil laugh here). Ok, that sounded a bit harsh. Let me re-phrase that. If everything seems like sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, someone isn’t being real and if it’s not you; it’s him. A relationship can absolutely be wonderful and magical for the majority of the time, but if there is literally never a disagreement or at least an itty bitty fight, someone isn’t being sincere here. The relationship will hit a plateau and it’s either going to end or some kind of conflict will ensue. There’s always that lull in a relationship that evokes feelings of “what the hell are we doing?” or “where is this going?”. Everything is just too perfect and the only logical way this is going to end is happily ever after, but uh oh — I’m not ready. See ya toots!
7 He’s a Huge Flirt
Everyone has dated that guy who flirted with everything that had legs. The waitress, the best friend, even the neighbor’s dog gets a wink and a smile from him. There’s a difference between flirting every now and then for fun versus literally abandoning your partner to talk to the mysterious stranger at the bar. “I’m just having a friendly conversation,.” he says. The thing to be concerned about here is that he needs to know everyone finds him attractive in order to feel confident in himself. It’s not enough that you shower him with love and compliments every morning, he needs social proof and lots of it. This is a huge sign he’s not ready for a long term relationship. If he can’t seem to tone it down when you’re out in public, maybe it’s time to move on. He needs a little more confidence before he can be with someone like you.
6 He Likes Being Alone
Does he ever say he “loves spending time alone” as if it’s like some cute little quirk? Some people are just introverted and that’s totally fine, but after spending some time alone, an introvert is usually quite willing and happy to do some socializing. If time and time again, he chooses to be alone instead of being with you, he doesn’t want a relationship at this time in his life nor is he ready for it. Relationship expert, Evan Marc Katz says that “women, who are, in general, more emotional and intuitive, are more likely to define their lives by their relationships.” Whereas “Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? How much do I earn? What kind of car do I drive? How big is my TV?”. Of course, he prefers being alone. He doesn’t even feel like he needs a relationship. Instead of convincing him why he should hang out with you, let him have his alone time — forever.
5 He Doesn’t Have Interests of His Own
Do you find it’s always you researching fun activities for the two of you to do? Does he kind of just go along with what you’re doing? Is his whole life his kitchen job and Minecraft? This is a massive sign he’s not ready to share his life with someone because, newsflash — he has no life. He already felt like his life was empty and meaningless before he met you and now that you’re here, things are a little better, but it’s just a temporary solution to a life-long problem. If he doesn’t have some kind of side passion, he hasn’t really figured himself out yet and it’s not your job to help him do that. You’re just going to end up in the back of his closet like all of his other failed pursuits. Don’t wait around for him, get out there and free yourself from all that dead weight weighing you down.
4 He Doesn’t Know If He Wants Kids
One of the worst things a man can do is tell a woman he wants kids and then back out. As women, we only have a certain window of time to have babies before it gets shut down permanently. Out of nowhere, bam — it’s over. Can you blame us for going “baby-crazy” in our thirties? Men have the luxury of being fertile into their late fifties and even early sixties so this concept is very hard for them to understand. Must be nice to have all that time to cultivate a career, lucky you. If you bring this question up and he responds with “I don’t know”, it’s not a good sign. He’s at a point in his life where he just wants to play around and live, you know? You may just want to play as well and not take things too seriously, but a guy who is fit for a long term relationship will at least acknowledge the question and give it some serious thought.
3 He Never Talks About Long Term Plans
When you bring up even the slightest hint of something long term, his eyes kind of glaze over and he looks over at the incredibly interesting mark on the wall. If he avoids the subject of long term plans altogether, it’s obvious he isn’t comfortable with it. You might be moving too fast for him and he’s starting to slowly freak out inside. He’s thinking “Oh sh*t, what did I get myself into. I’m not ready for this!”. Now he’s thinking about all the ways he can unravel this mess before it’s too late and he’s trapped under your curse forever. If he keeps changing the subject when you bring up a long term prospect like travel or taking a meditation course together, it may be your queue to get out. If you don’t, he will surely end it and might even blame you for moving too quickly. BUT YOU PURSUED ME YOU IDIOT! Sorry, I’m done.
2 He’s Changing For You
Is this guy the life of the party, go with the flow type? Beware, because this is how he will always be. He claims to just “keep it simple” and “doesn’t like to complicate things” which you can appreciate and is what drew you to him in the first place. If he’s a party boy, he loves spontaneity, free-wheeling and fooling around. Although all of these things sound fun, they leave him empty inside, which is why he’s decided to change for you. No more partying until 4 in the morning. No more smoking a whole pack of cigarettes a day. You have inspired him to be a better man but guess what…it doesn’t last. The novelty wore off and he’s back to his bad habits. Oh, are you still here? I guess it’ll never work between us. You’re like that uptight ballerina chick from Save the Last Dance and I’m the fun, free-spirited dancer guy. It’s for the best. I’ll just show you the door.
1 He Thinks He’s Actually the Worst
Self-deprecation can be funny when it’s coming from Woody Allen, but anyone else and it’s just plain old depressing. Does he often say things like “I’m the worst”, “I don’t know what I’m doing” or “You’re too good for me” etc? Well, start listening because he’s telling you something very important. He doesn’t think he deserves you and will find excuses to end the relationship before he does something stupid to mess it up because knowing him — he will. He thinks he’s a piece of garbage and by default, you start thinking it too. It’s not your job to constantly reassure him he’s worthwhile, he’s just — say it with me now — “not ready”. If you don’t drop him the second these signs start to come up, he will surely dump you with the excuse of: “I can’t be with someone like you”. Save yourself the heartache, you definitely don’t deserve it.