Maybe you didn't know, but Gwyneth Paltrow is not just an actress -- she’s a lifestyle guru. She created the website Goop in order to grace us with the knowledge she has learned about living your best life. Doesn't sound that bad, right? Well, keep in mind that this is the same women who was once quoted as saying “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.” UGH. And apparently, this school of thought runs throughout her lifestyle blog too. Everything she recommends is not only insanely expensive but insanely ridiculous too. In a way, it's fun to peruse the site and see how the other half lives. What makes it hysterical, however, is that Gwyneth seems to genuinely have NO idea that most of these products are impossible to acquire for the average woman, which we are guessing is her target demographic. Take peek at only some of the absolutely RIDICULOUS items that GP swears by.
15 $950 Toilet Paper
Um, we do not really need you to recommend this to us, Gwyneth. It kind of goes without saying, you know? But oh no, this is a really special kind of toilet paper that we just HAVE to have. “The Standard for Josephler” which you can purchase on the Joseph’s Toiletries website is only a mere $950! What a steal! No, there is not a decimal in there. It is not $9.50. It is literally almost $1000. We would feel sooooo uncomfortable wiping our (un)worthy behinds with something worth $1000. So, what is so special about this toilet paper? According to the Joseph’s Toiletries website, it is kind of a combination of paper toilet paper and a wet wipe, and “combines it with a gentle bottom wash developed by Swiss dermatologists.” Is there nothing better for dermatologists to do? Acne? Skin cancer?! And not just any dermatologists, SWISS dermatologists. Fancy.
14 $244 Toothpaste Squeezer
We do not want to seem stupid here (maybe we've been living under a rock) but what. is. a toothpaste. squeezer?! It must be pretty special because it costs $244. We are not kidding you. Well, according to the website where you can buy the product, “This clever chrome plated brass device by specialist manufacturers Cedes Milano ensures you get the most out of your toothpaste, every single time. Adding a touch of class to your bathroom, this stylish toothpaste squeezer comes on a Perspex base.” Getting the most out of our toothpaste? Maybe you could just…I don’t know, just spitballing here…SQUEEZE YOUR TOOTHPASTE WITH YOUR HANDS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. Who woke up one morning and thought “Ugh, this is so inconvenient, I need something to squeeze this for me.” We mean, maybe if you had something wrong with your fingers and hands, this would be totally useful. But this just seems to be created for the rich and wealthy with perfectly able hands.
13 $46,000 Mahjong Set
So Mahjong is a confusing game. But you are determined to learn and become a master! Why not start practicing right now with a $46,000 Mahjong set? We mean, Gwyneth recommends it. You want to learn how to play with only the top-of-the-line products, and you have $46,000 to spare, right? Totally a great investment. Okay okay okay, in all seriousness: what the…?! Can you pay off our tuition, Gwyneth? Because we can’t afford that much less a $46,000 Mahjong Set. And once again we pose the question: what makes the Mahjong set better than something you could buy at, we don’t know, Wal-Mart or something? This product is sold by Hermes, which gives you so many other options of games to try out. For example, why not try the $7,050 chess set? The $1,075 spinning top? (You know, those tiny tops that just spin and…that is it?) If this is where the rich and famous shop, kill us now.
12 $2,300 Playing Cards
Oh, but there are much more things you can entertain your guests with! What about cards? Everybody likes cards. Lucky for you, Gwyneth has picked out the perfect pair for you to buy at just $2,300. Hmmm, maybe a little pricey, but absolutely worth it because they come in a leather case! That way your precious cards can be protected. After all, you would not want something to happen to your PLAYING CARDS of all things! What a tragedy that would be! Cards being so rare, and all. Okay, let’s drop the sarcasm and cut to the chase: there is literally nothing that could make these playing cards better quality than any other playing cards you could get at a gas station. Why spend so much? Because you can? Hello, there are people starving all over the world. If one of our friends bought $2,300 playing cards, we would laugh until we cried…and then judge them hardcore.
11 $55,000 Headphones
Everyone needs a good set of headphones, and it is definitely something to invest in. But $55,000?! The most we’d spend is like, $10, and even that is pushing it. These are not just any headphones, however. They are “Sennheiser Orpheus” headphones. Which means…well, we don’t actually know what that means. But it must be important? After scanning the website, we see the company definitely believes their own hype. “Equipped with unique features and state-of-the-art technology,” the site says, “these headphones transform music from something you listen to, into something you live in.” Whaaaa? In addition, the ear cups are “precision-machined from solid aluminum, featuring handmade ear pads of finest leather and a soft, allergen-free velour/microfibre construction.” You know, just in case you were in the market for some velour headphones. Okay so apparently, they are supposed to transform your listening experience and that is great and all, but why can’t regular headphones do that?
10 $90,000 World View Exploration at the Edge of Space
Out of all the items on the list so far, this is one that truly boggles our mind the most. It is not technically a product, but it can still be given as a gift and was on one of Gwyneth’s gift guides. We just felt it was too extreme not to include. So basically, you will get the opportunity to be lifted 100,000 feet above the earth. Oh and do not worry, the space capsule contains refreshments and a bar. Why not get lit while you are in space? Before lift-off, you and up to five people you want to take with you stay at a luxury hotel for two days in preparation for the flight. Oh, and act fast! This gift is only being given to 10 customers. There are some people who have always wanted to travel space, but for that price? HA, no thanks. Gwyneth recommended it, but we wonder if she actually did it?
9 $119.99 Toothpaste
Oh perfect, something to go with your new toothpaste squeezer! Technically, this is “Theodent 300 With Rennou Whitening Crystal Mint Toothpaste.” We are sure you must have to use the full name to truly experience the product. Its selling points are clinical strength and protection against tooth sensitivity. So… the toothpaste Sensodyne? Yep, we just looked it up. Same deal. However, Gwyneth’s toothpaste is scientifically proven to be better than Sensodyne. “An 80-patient clinical trial at the university of Texas compared the remineralization capacity of Sensodyne,” the Amazon page says. So will that sway us? Well, a quick Google search tells us you can buy Sensodyne toothpaste for less than $5.00. So that is kind of an easy decision for us. Sorry, Gwyneth’s toothpaste. Or, oh wait, we are sorry, Theodent 300 With Rennou Whitening Crystal Mint Toothpaste. Priorities, you know? We would rather spend that money on…oh we don’t know, bills?
8 $599 Wall Garden
A wall garden. That is right. A garden. For your wall. Indoors. Is this a rich people thing? We have seriously never heard of this. “Ideal for creating a mini oasis of beautiful serenity in your home or office, moss walls are a modern interior décor trend with an ancient history,” says the site. Well okay then, we guess it is a thing. Goop refers to it as “like a Chia pet for your wall.” Um, not exactly appealing, girl. This Moss Wall Garden will help you meditate, just as zen Buddhist monks of Japan used to do, the site explains. We are not interior design experts, but this seems just a smidge weird to us. Do you have to maintain it? Like, how do you water a horizontal garden? Just the image cracks us up. Well, if you are the type of gal who likes moss in your house, go right ahead and get it. Just be ready to pay up.
7 $55 Lady Steamer
Okay, so this is where things get a little…weird. As if it was not weird before! The shocking part is not necessarily the price on this one, but the item itself. It is exactly what it sounds like: steaming your hoo-ha. According to Goop, The Devi Steamer Seat “is an energetic release – not just a steam douche – that balances female hormone levels.” She also recommends you insert $66 jade golf-ball sized eggs (yes you read that right—eggs) to aid in "hormonal balance and feminine energy in general." Okay first of all, that cannot be comfortable. Second of all, and this is a learning lesson ladies, gynecologists everywhere insist you DO NOT DOUCHE. Your lady parts have a way of cleaning themselves naturally and using products down there can cause infections, bacterial overgrowth, and even make you more susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases. Just not worth it -- for $5 or $55.
6 $395 Banana Box
Do you like bananas? Gwyneth sure seems to as she invests a lot of money in finding a banana-shaped container. It literally seems to be a clutch shaped like a banana. How fashion-forward! And for almost $400, it can be yours. It is so small; what could you even store in there? A pen? Lip gloss or mascara? We would love to see Gwyneth walking down a red carpet with a banana box in hand. How do designers even come up with concepts like this? The creators should start a whole line—apples, oranges, pears. The possibilities are endless! It is made of porcelain too, which just screams couture to us. Anything can be made a fashionable accessory if you just make it porcelain. Even a banana, apparently. Seriously, who loved bananas so much that they decided to make a box out of it? What was the inspiration for this? So many questions.
5 Starting At $2,295 Sauna
Saunas are pretty popular. But does anyone have such an obsession with them to the point that they have to purchase a sauna for their home?! The sauna website says “Surprisingly affordable!” Ha, for who? At least there is a lifetime warranty for it. So, the benefits are supposed to be worth it: detoxing heavy metals and toxic chemicals, reducing muscular pain and arthritic inflammation, lowering blood pressure and improving heart health, rejuvenating your skin, and just generally a helpful tool to relax. While that sounds all well and good, most of us do not have the money to cough up, nor do we even have a place where we could put the sauna in our home! Can you imagine? “This is the kitchen, this is the master bedroom, this is the sauna room…” I mean, what?! If you truly want the benefits that saunas can give you, join a gym! Not only is it much cheaper but you can also work out along with having the opportunity to relax in their sauna. It just makes sense.
4 $100 and $125 Mechanical Pen and Pen Case
We have never understood the obsession with businessmen and their fancy pens. Gwyneth’s pen suggestion is one made out of brass, painstakingly made for your enjoyment all the way in Taiwan. This is apparently done by forming the pen in a one-thousand-degree furnace. “Although the stationery carried a little bit of weight and some rust on it, it reflects that the products are absolutely honest and durable just like the people who live in Taiwan.” Er, we are sure the people of Taiwan are very flattered. And if you get the pen, you can’t forget the case to go with it! Both the pen and pen case are made the same way, and the website even has tips on how to maintain the cleanliness (aka shininess) of the items. Riddle us this: why does a pen need a case? Why does a pen have to be made out of brass? It is definitely one of the more pretentious items on this list.
3 Starting at $275 Cheese of the Month Club
That is right, STARTING at $275. So you can go higher! Look, we love cheese. Pretty much everyone does. But does anyone love cheese enough to join a cheese of the month club? Not even that, but spend $275 to join a cheese of the month club? Well, sad to say Gwyneth is not the only one to sing this club’s praises. Oprah has listed it as a “must-have.” UGH, rich people. Every month, you can receive three different cheeses with in-depth descriptions about each one. Now we do not know about you, but we just like to go to the grocery store and pick out our favorite cheese for like, less than ten bucks. And what if you do not like the cheese of the month that is delivered to you? A waste of money, and then you have to wait until next month to see if you like the next selection!
2 $128 Wine Carrier
You know what goes great with cheese? Wine. And lucky for you, you can carry wine in this $128 wine carrier. Or just, you know, grab any old bag that literally does the same thing. But whatever. What makes this bag more special than any other wine carrier? We guess just the fact that it was on one of Gwyneth’s gift guides. Is a “wine carrier” even necessary for the average wine drinker? Is it not classy to have one and just throw the wine in any tote bag lying around the house instead? We are not sure if we are missing out on something here. Maybe having a wine carrier is life changing. But $128? Nuh-uh. No thank you. Like we said, we have bills to pay! We can’t go around dropping over a hundred dollars on a stupid wine carrier. Why not just spend your money on the actual wine rather than a bag that holds it?
1 $210 Ice Bucket
Another perfect thing to store your wine in. But once again, you can’t just use any old bucket. It is essential that you use a bucket over $200. It comes with leather handles and everything. "A casual alternative to the fancy silver bucket," Gwyneth says about the item. Um, what?! How is anything about this bucket casual? And since when are silver buckets fancy? Unless you mean made out of literal silver, which we would not put past Gwyneth at this point. Why not host a party? Bring over your wine in your $128 wine carrier, put it in your $210 ice bucket, and relax with some cheese from you $275 cheese of the month club. Then hey, get out your $2,300 playing cards or your $46,000 Mahjong set. Sounds like a great and completely realistic time to us. Okay but really, if you can afford any of these things, good for you. But we are going to stick to budgeting, thanks!