Women have been attempting to get inside the heads of men since the dawn of… well, man. We’re living in an age where it’s much more covenant to simply have casual fun rather than relationships or even simply date. It’s not like how it was 50-years ago when a single woman who was past the age of 25 was considered a spinster, but it’s still more desirable for men, who are past 25, to still be bachelors. We live in an age where cozying up with someone is just a click away (Tinder, Bumble, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc, etc) so men don’t feel like they really need to commit to just one person. But what is REALLY going on in their head when it comes to not being able to commit? Psychologically, that is. Here are 15 reasons why men can commit from a psychological standpoint.
15 Realistically, Men Have More Options
In 2017, statistically, there are more college-educated straight women than there are college-educated straight men, which creates a dating gap because these women desire someone who has the same level of intellect as them. Emily Shire summed up this particular dating gap in The Daily Beast: “The gap’s impact on dating for straight, single women is exacerbated… because men with college degrees are consciously or subconsciously aware that they are in scarce supply. They take advantage of their rarefied status by holding off settling down and enjoying the market of riches.” Basically, one of the reasons why men won’t commit is because it’s all a numbers game and men assume that they can get more action based on statistics, so committing to just one woman is pretty much moot.
14 Fear of Abandonment
We’ve all heard this one before and quite frankly, we all tend to roll our eyes when we do hear it: He has a fear of abandonment. Like women, some men have been hurt so harshly in the past that it boils over into their current relationship and they’re afraid to get THAT close to another human being again. Some men also find it difficult to believe that women actually want them for more than just a short-term good time. Cate Desjardins, a psychotherapist and licensed social worker explained this to Cosmopolitan magazine: “Fear of abandonment and fear of commitment are not necessarily two distinct things but really different aspects of the same issue – insecure attachment.” These insecurities come about when men have the same sort of relationships in a constant fashion. Past trauma really does affect their futures.
13 They Feel They Are “Wasting Time”
At the start of a new relationship, many men commonly freak out a tad because they believe that investing in a brand new relationship, that they’re taking time away from other responsibilities. Sure, a new relationship needs to be nurtured and handled with kid gloves, but some men feel that that would pull their focus away from other things like their friends, their career, their family. If this is the case, most men will become unemotionally attached and start to push the woman away. They jump ahead too soon with thoughts of “what if I put years into this and she only ends up leaving me in the end?” so they break it off before it can even have some room to grow. It’s just plain irrational thinking on the man’s part.
12 Just Plain Misogyny
It ALL comes back to this: plain and simple misogyny. We would all like to say that the world still isn’t a misogynistic place, but the entire Donald Trump era is ushering in an entirely new (and by new, I mean really, really, old) breed of men. Heck, take a look at the Harvey Weinstein scandal going on now. Men just don’t want to make a commitment to a woman because they simply don’t have to. Instead, they believe that if they’re straightforward and honest about just wanting some fun rather than a relationship, that makes them a better person. They would rather have multiple women rather than just one because that’s, quote, “every man’s fantasy”. These types of thinkers don’t see spending years on one woman as a “waste” because if they end up getting bored, they can just usher in someone else.
11 Millennial Culture
2017 is nothing like it was in 1987 and Millennials are nothing like Baby Boomers. We don’t really find marriage, well, necessary. This goes for men as well as women. Dating sites like Bumble and Tinder give this generation easy access to the casual “hook up” scene where when we get lonely, company is just a swipe away. This tends to go on throughout our 20s and into our early 30s with little to no consequence – at least, that’s what the men think. Some people are saying that this culture is the actual cause of commitment-phobia, which is more so just our fear of vulnerability that clashes with our desire to be needed. Just because men aren’t ready to settle down just yet, doesn’t mean they don’t covet that closeness of another person (hence why Tinder and other dating sites are so popular) they’re just too afraid to take that next step.
10 Girls Grow Up Faster Than Boys
We were all taught in 5th-grade health class that girls tend to mature faster than boys. The age that girls’ brains begin maturing is age 10 while boys usually have to wait until they reach the age of 20. The science was even verified back in 2013 by Dr. Marcus Kaiser of Newcastle University. “Completely by accident, we found there is a difference between boys and girls in terms of development,” the doctor said. “We found that the brain begins to prone neural connections which it does not think are important. Previous studies have shown that the brain does a lot of reorganizing during puberty, there is greater activity during this time. But it was rather unexpected to find that these changes were starting much earlier in girls in comparisons with boys.” So, fundamentally speaking, men are usually ten years behind us women emotionally, despite age.
9 Serious Baggage
When we carry around a lot of baggage in our personal lives, it can weigh us down and feel like an anchor tied around our ankle. This goes double for men. When a man carries a great deal of baggage in their personal lives that mainly consists of incidents from his past, they can fear that it will affect a new relationship, so they tend to avoid it all together. Maybe they were left at the altar? Or went through some serious emotional trauma in their childhood – anything can be used in this capacity. Some men like using their emotional baggage as a reason not to commit, however. Sure, they’ll use it for sympathy and perhaps a hookup or two, but it really comes in handy when a man is attempting to run from commitment.
8 Work and Other Priorities
I’ve known more women who use their careers as an excuse to avoid commitment, but men also do it too. It’s pretty hard to balance so many different priorities in your personal life, so how come so many other men are able to do it? However, there are some careers that demand more attention than others, and perhaps a man just doesn’t have the energy to invest in the emotional toll that being in a serious relationship requires. If they were just looking for simple hookups, they’d use the career excuse to get out as fast as they can the following morning, but if it’s the career that is consuming, they won’t even have time for hookups. Sure, if love comes along, he’ll eye it, but in the long run, their work and the other priorities will win out.
7 His Friends Are Still Single
Usually, married couples like to be friends with other married couples because they all have similar interests – the same thing goes with single people. Single guys like to go out and party with their single friends, picking up women at the bar or club like a predatory pack of wild hyenas. If the men are still fairly young, and everyone in the group is single, they will shy away from being the first in the group to settle down. Some men have said that while they would never want to be the first to break away and get into a committed relationship, they sure as heck have a ton of respect for the last single man in the group. This is typically how men acted as boys when they would be involved in a group – no one wanted to be the first to do anything that caused them fear. And, like I said before, boys tend to mature at a slower rate.
6 The Physical
You may not want to say it, but a great deal of a young relationship is based on the intimacy factor, otherwise known as the physical part. Sure, if you have both a steady intellectual, emotional, AND physical connection, your relationship seems pretty stable. However, it comes down to basic cardinal needs – sometimes men just don’t want one woman in their lives in an intimate manner. Yep, it’s only interested in getting into a girl’s pants then moving on to the next woman. If this is the case, a woman usually feels it right off the bat and should go with her gut instinct and back away slowly. Psychological factors can play into his need to fill some void with intimacy from a different woman every night, and it can stretch as far back as his childhood (possibly repeating the same mistakes as a father figure).
5 He Just “Doesn’t Feel It”
They made an entire movie dedicated to this very thing: He’s Just Not That Into You. Sure, we women like to put all on the psychological components when it’s just as simple as “well, I like you, but not enough to commit”. Absolutely no woman wants to hear that – it’s a massive heartbreaker and a tough pill to swallow for a woman. She’ll constantly think that if she did this or that the relationship could’ve been salvaged in some way. And it’s even worse if the man says he’s just not ready to commit NOW and ends up diving head-first into a relationship with someone else shortly afterward. No matter how hard it is to hear, it’s always best if he is honest and says he’s not feeling what he should feel for you in order to get into a committed relationship.
4 Too Much Pressure
The constant pressure of really anything can make a person break – it’s science. If a man is going to commit, he’s going to do it on his own time. I’ve had friends who put the pressure for a commitment on the guy they’re involved with only to have it blow up in their face in the end. If something is brought up on a daily basis, it sounds like nagging (actually, X out that “sounds like” part – it’s nagging) and this will irritate a man to no end. And, if he does eventually give in and make a commitment, it will always be in the back of your mind that you forced his hand and if the relationship really is genuine or not. This will eventually wear on both of you until the relationship eventually implodes. Men don’t like to be pressured – period.
3 Lack of Trust
Trust in a relationship is a two-way street and always has been. Throughout history, women have been given a bad wrap in the trust department. Greek mythology portrays us as man-eating sirens or unforgiving goddesses. There was really never a kind middle ground when it came to women in literature. So no wonder some men panic a little before jumping into a committed relationship. Like women should do, if a man doesn’t completely trust you, he doesn’t see a future with you. You need to be completely sure that you’re able to trust each other fully or you don’t need to be in that relationship in the first place. There’s no such thing as “well, I SORTA trust them”. Men feel the same way about women. If he can’t trust her, he’s not going to commit.
2 Simple Fear In General
It’s not just simple fear of abandonment that men have to worry about – it’s all his fears in general when it comes to women. Fear of intimacy, fear of compromising, fear of giving up their single life, fear of change – basically, just fear. If he’s never been in a long-term relationship before, all these fears can boil over at once and flood a man with feelings he’s never really faced before. It can be emotionally crippling and overwhelming for a man from a psychological standpoint. If they had a rough childhood in addition to all of this (like he came from a broken home) then you really have a lot on your hands. It’s almost like trying to ease a frightened animal out from under the bed – you have to do it carefully and with no sudden movements or you’ll end up spooking them.
1 It’s Not External, But Internal
We’ve heard it all before when it comes to a man who can never commit: “I’m just trying to find the right woman”, but he’s been attempting to find that “right” woman for years now and just hasn’t committed. He likes to claim that it’s simply the women he’s been dating, but he’s the only common denominator in the equation. A lot of men can’t see that they’re the problem and they keep pointing the finger at the women they’re dating (or just pretty much point a finger at women in general) when they really need to take a long hard look at who THEY are on the inside. Perhaps seeking therapy is the answer, so they can get down to the root of their issues if they truly want to commit in the future.