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15 Paranoid Thoughts We All Have At The Gyno

A trip to the gyno is never a fun thing. First, there is the annual exam and then there are the exams we need to get when something is just not right. Getting into a new relationship or ending an old one often calls for a quick checkup and tests. It hardly seems fair that we have to subject ourselves to this indignation of some stranger checking our front door, but that is the price women pay for their health, safety, and ultimately our sanity.

Most of us wish that the guys would submit to annual exams for their private bits. Healthy guys do, but most do not bother to get tested before entering a new relationship. No, that is up to us because we all know that if something goes wrong, the guys will be first to point a finger at us and not themselves.

So we make that call to the doctor's office and set up an appointment. What follows afterwards is a whole lot of crazy thoughts, worries, and a ton of paranoia. We can’t help but worry. None of us like showing off the front door and we all wish it could be perfect all of the time.

15 Clock Watching

On the morning of the “big day,” we all have the same paranoid fear of being late for the appointment. It is not as though we are excited to get there, but we know that it is a must and so we check our phones over and over again to make sure we are staying on schedule.

Nothing would be worse than being late, or having something else come up and needing to reschedule. Then we would have to go through all the same anxiety all over again. It is better just to get there on time and get the whole thing over with.

In the meantime, may as well drink a gallon of black coffee just to settle the nerves, right? No, by the time we are ready to leave for the appointment, we are ready to jump out of our skin and make a run for the hills.

14 Razor Burn

Just as you get into your car to make the drive to the doctor's office, your system gets a jolt of fear. “Did I shave this morning?”

Try as you might, your nerves are so jangled that you cannot remember if you bothered to shave. And should you really shave, anyway? How much should you shave off for a doctor’s appointment and what would the doctor think of you if you bared a heart shaped shave?

Oftentimes I am in such a rush in the shower that I only have time to shave one leg and figure that I can shave the other leg the next day. What really happens is that I keep shaving the same leg day after day while the other one starts to turn into a cactus. Does anyone notice? Not in the slightest, and if my doctor did notice, she never said a word.

13 Recognizing Someone In The Waiting Room

As you pull into the parking lot of the doctor’s office, you are hit with the next big dread. What if you know someone inside? What if it is a co-worker or a classmate? What the hum do two women visiting the gyno say to each other when they accidentally meet up in the waiting room? It is a conversation that I personally never want to have.

Then again, what if someone you know spots you going into the doctor’s office? What if they ask you what it was about later on or wonder if everything is alright with you? Well, it is not like you would ever admit to having problems down below and really, it is no one’s business, but that fear, that horrible paranoia, is there.

Honestly, winter is the best time to schedule a checkup. You can throw on a hat and cover up your face with a scarf from the car to the office. Better to be bundled up than to be hounded with questions from a "concerned" friend.

12 Talking At The Check-In Desk

I don’t know about you, but I am an extremely private person. It does not matter if I am at the dentist office or at the gyno, that last thing I want is to talk about anything personal and have the entire waiting room hear about it. No, for me, the worst part of the visit is hoping that the receptionist does not get too friendly or personal.

Then comes the paperwork they often want you to fill out. The best bet is to sit far away from the other people in the waiting room to privately fill out the personal info, but that is not always possible. Sometimes the office wants to crowd all the women into the waiting room, leaving all of them feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable. When this has happened to me, I have always gotten up out of my chair and leaned against a private wall to fill out the info. Nothing is worse than a nosy person reading over your shoulder.

11 Toilet Paper

After checking in and filling out the paperwork, your mind is left to ponder the insane. You might try and distract yourself with your phone or pretend to be interested in whatever the waiting room is playing on the television. A quick glance at the brochure rack lets you know that there is absolutely nothing there that you would be caught dead reading.

So, your mind wanders and you are left to dwell on some pretty messed up fears. For example, my best friend has this crazy fear about bits of toilet paper.

I do not know how we ever got into the conversation, but she told me that the cheap toilet paper can stick and she has this insane fear of it sticking to her when she goes to her annual visit.

I never had this sort of fear until she told me about it, but it does make me a touch paranoid about cheap toilet paper.

10 That Stupid Gown

Who invented that stupid, ugly gown we have to put on? Having to leave it open at the front kind of defeats the purpose of having to bother putting it on. After all, it leaves us totally exposed with all our good bits in the front.

I have been in places that have allowed me to keep my tank top on and forego the gown altogether, but most places insist that we make ourselves feel even more vulnerable in that gown. We don’t want it open in the front, but we don’t want it wide open in the back, either. And while we all understand why it needs to be open, it does not make us feel any more comfortable.

Personally, I think they should give us superhero capes to wear. We would still be exposed in the front, but at least we get to have a bit of quirky fun while waiting for the doctor to show up.

9 Those Cold Hands

What is it with their hands? Male doctors always have cold hands and never bother to warm them up before making contact. Women doctors are pretty much the same way, but they usually take an extra moment to rub their hands together to take the chill off their skin. At least other women have a clue as to how cold hands feel at the front door.

I know it is an old joke about lady doctors and their freezing hands, but it is so true. I think that if I ever got a doctor with warm hands, I would take it as a sign of the coming Apocalypse. It just would not be normal.

Of course, being in that crappy gown, I am usually a bit cold, too. I get goosebumps on my legs, making the unshaved hairs on the one leg stand on edge. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it.

8 Scent

As you lean back, you are going to get hit with a bunch of awful thoughts. The first one might be you worrying if there is any smell down there. We all have that fear, instilled into us by obnoxious teenage boys and men who think they are natural born comedians.

We can’t help but be paranoid about having a smell even though we know that we all have a natural smell in that area. No, we have been taught that it is better to smell like a summer’s breeze in our lady bits, rather than smell like a woman. Heck, even a tropical island smell is better than the smell of our flesh.

Oddly enough, I can say that people in the health profession stop noticing smells after a while. When I worked at a hospital, I quickly learned to ignore the smell of my patients and bodily fluids, and that is how I end this little bit of table top panic.

7 The Way It Looks

As if we women don’t already have enough to worry about, when face to “face” with the doctor, we start to worry about our shape. Too big, too small, too ugly, or whatever, we are very conscious about how our private area appears.

In this day and age, some women are out getting designer bits down where the sun don’t shine. While that is certainly their own choice, the rest of us have to accept what we were born with.

Most guys don’t care what it looks like. They are just happy that you said yes. But the doctor is doing a rather thorough inspection and she isn’t missing a thing.

It is time to start thinking about other things at this point of the exam, but our brains won’t let us. A flood of worries come crashing in and we start to fret over the obsurd and ridiculous.

6 Can She Tell What I Did Last Night?

As a general rule, there is usually no action the night before the doctor’s appointment. After all, what if the doctor can tell what I was up to?

On the other hand, Mr. Yum wanted to have a go at it last night, and I caved in and said yes. Now I have to worry about what my gyno thinks of me and I certainly can’t lie and say I have been celibate for the past few months.

To do the deed or not do the deed the night before has plagued many women. If you are in a committed relationship and are practicing safety first, there is no problem. On the other hand, many doctors pry into your bedroom behavior and it can get quite uncomfortable when having to answer some of the intimate questions.

5 I Wonder If She Can Tell That I Did That Other Thing?

As far as I am concerned, there is such a thing as TMI (too much information). For example, can the doctor tell if my boyfriend likes to flip me over for a little something different? Probably, and that is as good a reason to avoid it until sometime after the annual exam. There is no point in risking being the center of a backroom giggle among the staff. And yes, it does happen. Nurses love to laugh amongst themselves over the patients. On the plus side, they usually have so much to giggle over that they will quickly forget about you.

Most of us don’t like to share our dirty secrets with a doctor, even though our doctors have probably seen it all when it comes to bedroom preferences. If there is going to be any testing, they say that you should avoid any type of bedroom contact for two days before the exam so that the results are not screwed up.

4 What If I Got Something?

The absolute worst is when you are worried that you might have gotten something. Even if you are fairly certain that you do not have anything, you might still worry because sometimes things are missed in previous exams and sometimes life just happens to get in the way.

While we may have this worry when going to the doctor’s office, we also have to remember that we need to face whatever health issue we may have. Most things, if caught early, can be treated or managed, so it is always best to go in, get the exam and testing over and done with.

Of course, after the test comes the wait for the results and that is a whole other torture. The wait is horrible and, of course, our imagines go wild with what ifs. Hopefully, the tests show nothing wrong and we can tuck that worry away until the next exam.

3 Inside Out

After the exam is done and the doctor leaves the room, you are instructed to get dressed. Yay, right? Nothing is better than being done with the exam and getting out of that ugly gown.

You grab your neatly folded pile of clothing and start putting everything back on as quickly as possible. If you are anything like me (always in a rush) you might even put something back on inside out. I do it all the time. It is fine when it is just your underwear that is on inside out, but when it is your shirt, it can be embarrassing.

I have left numerous appointments with my shirt on either inside out or even backwards. No one probably noticed, but if they did they never said a word. What is worse is that I go into the appointment, paranoid that I will leave with something on inside out, but when it comes time to get dressed, I completely forget to double check myself. I only want to make a run for the exit.

2 Finding The Exit

Why is it that the inner sanctum of the doctor’s office is like a rat maze? I often wonder if they do this on purpose. Sometimes I think that there might be a large wedge of cheese down one of the hallways. Perhaps it is some twisted psychological experiment to see how desperate women are to get out of the doctor’s office?

The exits from doctor’s offices are always hidden. Sure, there may be exit signs, but they are on all the walls. Which one do I follow? Did the nurse tell me to make a left, right, right or was it a right, left, left? How about I just wander around until someone gives me the directions again?

After the exam is over, all I want is to get the hum out of there and I have to find the exit that won’t set off a fire alarm.

1 They Might Call

Years ago I went to a new doctor and after all was said and done, I was told that the office would only call if there was a problem with the test results. They did not tell me how long I should expect to wait, but they did say not to bug them with calls.

Okay. I waited. And waited. After two months of being on edge, I did not get a call. I finally caved in and called them. The annoyed nurse curtly told me that there were no problems with the test results and everything was fine.

Great, but they really should have called me and told me that on their own because the wait was horrible. I was worried almost every day that I might miss their call or that they would call at the worst possible time.

And those bad timing calls are yet another thing to be paranoid about.

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