So caught up with the actual wedding details that you forget that life exists after the wedding reception. The wedding itself is just a representation of the union of two souls. But perhaps you didn’t consider that and now that all the festivities have come and gone, you’re faced with the reality of living with one person for the rest-of-your-life. And you are scared to death. You should be. Making a conscious decision to live with another human being is a huge step and only those crazy enough in love do it and do it well. The rest of the population gives up when the going gets tough, they sign divorce papers and part ways both amicably and not so amicably. But marriage is work and if you’ve signed on you’d better be prepared to work. Here are some things you might be giving up when you become a newlywed, but be advised that all will work out for the best if that’s what you really want. You have to listen to your heart before anything else.
You partner might not value your shower time and barge in, not because he/she doesn’t care, but when nature calls, honey, nature really calls. Actually, forget about the bathroom being a sacred, private sector of the house. Nothing is private anymore. So you will rarely, if ever, get the bathroom all to yourself. Just throw that thought out the bathroom window. And the mirror will turn into a topic of great debate because there might only be one. Your make-up routine will be interrupted and observed. Getting dressed up for anything will also be done under the watchful eye of your boo. But with time, as with all things, you will get used to this. Or maybe not, but you’ll surely learn to become more tolerant and not take your bathroom time so seriously. Remember, it is now the marriage sphere that has become sacred and not your privacy which, by now, no longer exists.
14 Smells & Sounds
All the sounds and smells are unavoidable. That is, they are unavoidable if you are human or human-ish. And you will be sharing things about your bodies and smells and pains and poops. None of it will be off-limits, absolutely nothing. You will have these types of conversations over dinner and not just dinner at home. Right there in public you will talk about these issues as if you’re talking about the latest movie. At some point, you will ask yourself who or what you’ve become. The simple answer is a married person. You will hear snoring and morning gargling and spitting and gagging and farting. It all happens right there, right in front of you, in front of your face as if nothing. And before you know it, you won’t even notice it. It will become part of daily sounds, like birds chirping, sirens, or the chatter of neighbors.
You now are obligated to tell the truth about everything. And it’s only fair. Living with someone requires patience, but also honesty so as to avoid future conflicts. After all, the best policy is honesty. This makes sense, too. Why would you try to hide something from the person you love. And how do you plan to keep so many things a secret from the person with whom you plan to live with for the rest of your life. It would be a nightmare to recall all of those little white lies, it would give you migraines and ulcers. Don’t do that. Just tell the truth –breath deeply and say what’s on your heart with love and compassion. Don’t like his jacket, tell him. Don’t like her skirt, tell her. Dinner wasn’t your favorite, you can say so. Being honest is so liberating and it’s one of the beautiful things about marriage –your newly found ability to say exactly how you feel all the time.
12 Bedtime Games
Well, there are two extremes. It’s either all the time like rabbits or it’s reserved like camels. This depends on how much time you had together pre-marriage and whether or not you lived together. The truth is you will go through phases despite pre-marriage living situations. There will be weeks or even months where you can’t get enough of each other and it’s exhilarating and the stuff novels are made of. You’re flying high on that newlywed cloud. Then you’ll hit the other phase where you can’t even stand to look at your partner, hear him/her breath or eat, and you want space like extra space when you sleep which means you definitely do not want to have anything to do with them physically. And that newlywed cloud is full of rain and cold winds. But it’s all part of being in a marriage, so get used to it and don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s normal. Consider the fact that you just signed an agreement to sleep with and live with the same person for the-rest-of-your-life. That is sure to come with ups and downs, so relax.
If you have different sleep habits, good luck. Sleeping is sacred stuff, for real. Even more sacred than space and privacy. If you don’t get the sleep you need or deserve, you then resort to zombie status. And no one wants to date a zombie. But the sleeping situation is complicated and you have to talk about your sleeping habits and bedroom rules. If you have varying bedroom habits, this could get tricky, too. From the bedsheets to the temperature to the pillows and positions –all of these things can make or break sleep. Questions about darkness levels, technology permitted or not need to be asked. Even the separate bed talk should be included. Remember, this is sleep we’re talking about –do not take this lightly. Have the conversation sooner than later, arrange and rearrange things until you get it right, but don’t sleep on this. Take care of it, pronto.
As much as you think you won’t become that couple, you will. Don’t play yourself, you will become that couple if you have not already become that couple. You will give each other strange yet cutsey nicknames that will make others uncomfortable. Your nicknames will make others cringe. They might even make you cringe, but you use them anyways. Feel free to use them, actually. Nicknames are how we show our soul connection to our partner –it’s also a sign of creativity and openness in a relationship. No nickname is too much, really. However, you might want to use discretions when out in public or with others. Or, well, maybe you don’t give any f#$%s and declare your love via your partner’s nickname. However you decide to manage it, nicknames will come and go –just know they are part of the love you two share and it’s a beautiful thing, my turtledove, my bubb-a-roo, my twiddle-dee, my bumblebee.
To keep things spicy, you have to be opened-minded. This does not mean you have to do anything you are not comfortable with or anything that makes you feel bad, gross, or unsafe. On the contrary, you should only do things that you want to do and that, by no means, should be dictated by your partner. You have the final say. Even if you have added some kink to the bedroom, but one day become uncomfortable with it, you have the right to say no. Even mid-play, you have the right to say no. But the truth is, being married takes effort and much of that effort will depend on how much you want to stay married. Trying new things should be fun. Trying new things should empower you. Trying new things should bring you closer. If your experimentation is not doing any of these or all three of them, you might want to reconsider the dynamics of your relationship.
Before you realize it, you will be able to complete each other’s sentences. Or maybe you did this before you were married. Something else that happens is a mimicking of gestures and certain language. You start to talk like your partner, you use all his/her favorite catch phrases, even your emphasis and cadence has changed. It happens between friends, so what makes you think it wouldn’t happen with your life-partner. It’s a real compliment to the relationship and each partner’s willingness to try on new hats. This mimicking can even go so far as to manifest itself in clothing choices, too. Now, some of you swear that will not happen, but what’s so wrong in mirroring each other to reflect the love you have. It’s surely not negative, so there shouldn’t be such an aversion to it. After all, it let’s the world know that you belong to each other and that’s pretty darn cute.
7 Baby Pressure
Everyone will now ask you, like all the time, about kids. If it’s not your friends who already have them, then it’s your parents who are dying to by grandparents. Can you blame them? You two do make a very good couple. And to be honest, it can be annoying, but try not to be annoyed. It only shows that people are excited about your union and think that adding a little one would make everything even more picturesque. It’s a compliment, really. But kids aren’t for everyone, plus you literally just stepped off the marriage certificate but a few months ago. But if you find yourself bothered, just tell your friends and family, kindly, that kids are not part of the immediate future. However, you are considering a pet which will prepare you for little munchkins. And don’t forget that adoption is also an excellent option to consider when talking about babies.
6 Social Pressures
Now you’ll feel the pressures to buy a house or a car. You’ll feel the pressure to have a certain standard of living, do the latest and greatest newlywed activities, and the likes of it all. And it’s hard to avoid such feelings because your parent’s had to keep up with the Jones’s and your friends are doing it, too. The world is capitalist, period. You cannot deny it and while you can try to escape it, it’s just an impossible feat –so it seems. However, you can battle the Jones’s idea of living and social pressures by being a solid, fearless couple. Try to stay true to your convictions for you and your boo. Try to stay true to love and not things. Try to stay true to your visions for life and not the vision that others have for you. It can be tough, really tough –but love conquers all. So don’t be another Jones family, but the family and partnership you wanna be.
You are now obligated to share everything. For many of you, this is nothing new. And for many of you, you don’t mind. You understand sharing from childhood, from mom’s lessons, to common sense. But for those who haven’t realized that being in a relationship means sharing –it’s time to wake-up. You will share food, so for foodies this can be an issue. You will share a towels, so for those of you who are afraid of germs, forget about it. You will share secrets and confess sins, you will share smells and sounds, you will share illnesses and tears and smiles and memories. Marriage is all about deciding with whom you want to share your life with –and sharing means caring. So if you’re not big on sharing, you’d better get good at it like right now. And yes, sharing means all the good stuff and the bad stuff –after all, that’s what makes life so life.
Money will be the thing you fight about the most. It won’t be sex or communication, but it will be money. Pieces of paper that we use to exchange for goods, these pieces of paper will be the root of many, if not all, arguments between newlyweds. Money, as in not having or not managing it properly, will be the root of most of the evil that can and will infect your relationship. But that doesn’t mean you have to settle for this mess of money matters. Be calm and open about money issues and do so sooner rather than later. Many issues can be avoided if addressed before things get out of control. And before anything else, remember that money will not make or break love –that’s only what society has told us. Showing love has nothing to do with money, it’s so much deeper than that. Try to find things to live for outside of the spectrum of money.
Your space is no longer your own. Don’t even try to be like mine this or that –it won’t work and it’s not fair. And if you do have space, it will, at some point, be invaded if not by your partner, but by your partner’s things and energy. It will be unavoidable. For many of you this can be a point of contention and even the spark of some ugly fights. You can either fight for your rights for space or learn to be compassionate about what a relationship means. So learn to be comfortable with having another person near you and all up in your space. And let go. Marriage is everything, literally everything, on compromising terms. That even applies to space. If you find yourself really struggling with this issue, talk to you partner, but you might also consider clearing the energy in the space or consult a professional on the matter.
It becomes the most complicated decision –ever. Never has deciding on what to eat or where to eat been taken more seriously. Never have two people cared so much about what they put into their bodies. But when it comes to eating out or eating in, couples seem to never, ever, agree. When one wants Chinese the other wants pizza and when one wants pizza the other wants Japanese. That’s just the nature of things, the nature of the eating beast that lives between couples. There’s no real advice for this larger-than-life issue. The truth is that your food moods will rarely, if ever, match up. But if they do, bless the gods and all the baby animals because you have struck some real universal harmony. Write that one down for the books. You’ll want to remember it because it’s highly unlikely to happen again for another decade or at the very least a few years.
If you do not keep this as a number one priority then your newlywed relationship is doomed, period. There is no way around this. You can have the best sex, be compatible socially and cosmically, but if you do not talk to each other and really share, then you have no business being together. It’s quite scary, actually, the role that communication plays –like if your communication skills are off, you’d better pray to the gods, conjure Mercury asasp, and clear the energy up in your house. Without communication, like good, open, honest communication you cannot talk about sex, money, and food –the other most important things that make a couple a couple. The beauty is that even the worst communicators can become good ones with dedication, faith, and the services of some professionals. Don’t give up so quickly.