It is one thing to text someone while you’re drunk (a.k.a. drunk texting) and it’s also another thing to text your ex with the most ridiculous messages ever imagined. Don’t get us wrong, we have nothing against texting your ex. We all want to make peace and check up on each other. Sometimes, we do crazy things like people who just came from a broken relationship do, like stalk their ex on social media. That’s human nature. We’re frail like that. But please, please, be careful when you decide to text your ex. First off, you do not want to sound like an idiot, no matter the circumstance. Second, you don’t want to be a laughing stock. If you’re planning to just annoy her, fine. Do whatever the heck you want. But know that when things get a little crazy, the internet usually hears about it. And that’s exactly what happened here.
15 On a scale of 1 to get-the-hell-away…
Maybe it’s just us but for the benefit of the doubt, will someone please explain why we need to ask our exes how much they hate us? Guys, specifically, why in the world would you ask your ex how much she hates you? Why would you want her to rate that? Because if that’s your way to start a conversation, that’s obviously a wrong way of doing it. Take this convo for instance. See how quickly the conversation ended? That’s pretty much because ladies don’t really have a long answer to your question. Some us won’t respond at all, there are others who would exchange a few texts with you to make sure you understand how much she hates you, and then there are those of us who take things to a different level and send replies like this one. Replies that we’re fully confident you will understand in a snap.
14 Stop the crap, for the love of god
We think this is one of the many reasons why millennials today avoid being in a relationship – it’s just so d*mn hard to find a decent man! But worry not, if you ended up with a crappy man and you want to improve your life now that he’s not part of it anymore, we found a smart way to do it. And we found a perfect example. This just goes to show how men’s lies break so easily. Even the movies show it clearly. When he says he will love you forever chances are, that’s not going to happen. When he says he will always hold on, chances are, he will let go even before he realizes he already has. Yeah right! So much crap in men’s mouths. But of course, if they can let go that easily (and then claim otherwise) of course you can also let go. You can even show him how you do it in photos and stickers and gifs!
13 You’re right. NEVER MIND indeed!
From time to time, your ex will try to get back with you. Especially if he “really loves you” (yeah, we know that sounds funny.) From time to time, you will receive text messages like this one, and sending the right reply is very crucial. Men are so stupid they don’t understand what NO means, much less what OFF LIMITS means. So it is going to be beneficial for the two of you if you send a reply so crystal-clear he would get what you’re trying to say in one reading. Like this photo. See what we mean? He immediately got the woman’s point – that she’s (1) confused why the man still wants to cuddle after he ruined the relationship and (2) she is disgusted. Very disgusted. Ex S.O.’s getting in touch after a breakup is one of the most irritating things in the world, so go send the right response so he understands you clearly.
12 Your excuses just get lamer and lamer
If you want to see your ex, keep in mind that it’s very, VERY important for you to figure out wise ways to do it. You can entice her and beg her and all, but you wouldn’t want to do this. You wouldn’t want to ask her if you can get your socks or your shirt or your underwear back. Because she won’t care about it. No woman would give a d*mn about the pieces of clothing you left in her apartment. It just goes to show you don’t care about your things. Didn’t anyone teach you that you should always return what you borrowed, and get back the things you left, and do it immediately so you won’t add clutter to someone else’s house?! Were you not aware of that? And were you not aware that you can just buy new socks and shirts and undies?
11 Oh no, don’t bother
And then we have the guys who are just really REALLY trying so hard. Oh boy… so here’s the thing, dear male readers, sometimes, you just gotta let it go. Maybe the relationship ended for a good reason. Maybe you deserve someone better. Maybe you’re a douche and the world is sending you signs that you need to work on that. There are tons of reasons why a relationship ended and more often than not, you should stop trying so d*mn hard. We’re not saying it’s wrong, but there are crystal-clear signs when the girl doesn’t want to try anymore, and so should you. Conversations like this are one of the clearest signs you can ever ask for. Good thing SpongeBob always has the answer to everything. So, you know, it won’t be that painful. Please go elsewhere and stop bothering your ex. We’re sure she’ll be fine without you.
10 I’m sorry, who are you texting?
Boy oh boy, we cannot count how many times this happened to all of us. We can probably write an entire book about the countless instances our partners misspelled our names. Guys, please know that the least you can do is spell your girl’s name right. Even when she’s already your ex, you would want to spell her name right. Because if you don’t, this is what’s going to happen. And this is not a pretty picture. Definitely not the kind you want to be a part of. So please, get your sh*+ straight and proofread your apologetic messages over and over and over again before you hit send. Because if you don’t, chances are your girl won’t even realize it was an apologetic message. She will just notice the fact that you misspelled her name. And don’t try to blame it to autocorrect also. It’s lame and immature and minus points for you.
9 Your punchlines just make me want to punch you
To all our male readers, if you want to keep your manhood intact, you would reconsider sending punchlines to your exes. Unless you are 100% confident that you’re good at punchlines, do not send one. Again, we repeat, don’t send any punchlines. There’s a really huge chance you will just end up embarrassing yourself and it’s the kind of embarrassment that you can never erase. It will haunt you so bad that the rest of your life will feel like every day is Halloween. Take this man for example. He got nothing but crickets. Why? Well, why the hell not?! Who in the world would have time to reply to this crappy text? Who would have the spare time to explain why this punchline doesn’t work? No one. We’re sure no woman would want to spend her Netflix night sending you a text message, explaining why your punchline is lame.
8 Coming clean in the worst way ever
This is definitely one of the worst messages ever. See, when you try to come clean to your ex, the first thing you want to remember is how to not look stupid. There are tons of ways to confess without looking stupid, you know. Do your research. It’s the least you can do. Also, keep in mind that there’s a huge chance your ex won’t care about your confession anymore because, why in the world should she? You two are not together anymore. Whatever you have to confess, you have the freedom to do so. But don’t expect her to understand you or to give you another chance. Don’t expect her to think you’ve changed because you’re now being more honest. That is just super lame and that is probably never going to happen. You know what’s going to happen instead? You will be called a loser.
7 Delicious whaaat?!
Okay, calling your ex a delicious fetus is just, well, gross to the highest level. This woman’s response is just on point. If this man was really having bad luck, his girlfriend (or maybe already ex-girlfriend) would’ve replied something morbid and scary that would make him stop texting her. Ever. In fact, that’s probably exactly what we should all do when our exes send us crazy text messages like this. Don’t just block him on Facebook. Don’t just delete and block his number. Spread his message online. Show the world how alarming his attitude is (because based on this text, this man sure has an alarming attitude and level of creativity). And then, go text him something that will scare him so much he would stop bugging you. Forever. Show him your girl power, woman! Chances are, he didn’t even realize that power when you two were still together. Now is the time.
6 Messed up reminders
Okay, this is just stupid. No other words for it. Assuming this was a man who texted his ex-girlfriend, this is just plain ridiculous. it would be rad though, if it’s coming from a woman because, well, crappy men do remind us all of a dental abscess. We’re talking about the dental abscess part, not the hurtful part. Crappy men remind us of everything that is so disturbing in our lives we just have to remove them from our lives. However, if this message is from a man to his former girl, that’s when things changed a lot. Because (1) us girls are too gorgeously hot to be compared to a dental abscess and the painful process of it being treated and (2) good girls are never going to hurt men like that. Hey, we just do things when we know you deserve them, male readers. Sure, there are twisted ladies out there but the majority of us? We’re a catch.
5 Yes. You’re never going to enjoy that ever again!
This is plain ridiculous. And stupid. We can’t even…. Man, for the love of all holy, please try your d*mn best to try not to look like a freak. You’re giving us, women, tons of reasons to laugh at men in general. You’re giving us a hell lot of reasons to doubt the magic of love and relationships because you always morph into ridiculous creatures, like this one. The next time you try to be okay with your ex, don’t ever mention her behind. Or literally any part of her body. Because she will just laugh at you so hard and she will be reminded of all the good things that happened to her since she left you. And she will probably even remind you why she left and why you’re never going to have a taste of the magic fruit ever again.
4 On being friends again (you’re kidding, right?!)
This is probably one of the lamest questions you can ever ask your ex. Boy, if the breakup wasn’t pretty, do you really think she would even consider being friends with you? Do you think she would give you another chance, at least with being friends? Heck no! If that’s not clear enough, here’s why: well, uhm, because she’s done. Thing is, when girls end an ugly relationship, they don’t really think of being friends with the guy again. Some women can be civil, but others? Well, others just don’t want their crappy exes to be part of their lives in any way at all. So stop wasting your time asking your ex if she can be your friend. We all know it’s not just friendship you’re looking for. And no, denying it won’t help. Just leave your ex alone and everything should be fine.
3 Remember what you called me?
In case you forgot what you called your girlfriend yesterday and the day before and the many months before, trust that she would remember it. Especially when it’s a crappy name. So the next time you call your girlfriend something terrible, keep in mind that women are hella braver than you ever anticipated. We will share your text messages in public (like this one) and we will not be afraid to talk about it. It’s shameful, yes, that we fell for someone as crappy as this guy, but that’s not going to stop us from talking about it. So if you think we’re okay with you calling us names, we’re not. Also, please note that when a girl says it’s over, that is your cue to leave. That’s the sign that you should stop texting her. And obviously, that’s the sign you should stop checking in with her. Or else you will receive a terrible message.
2 Just the appropriate scale
We all literally need to have this scale saved in our phones. Ladies, go ahead and save this image. Pin it, share it on Instagram, use it as your Facebook’s cover photo… just do everything you can think of to save it. Because believe it or not, you will use this image more often than you would use a heart emoji. We’re not saying guys are crappy like that but, whenever breakups happen, even the best guys morph into the worst versions of themselves. Maybe that’s their stubborn bone, maybe that’s them trying to win you back, nobody really knows. But when the time comes, wouldn’t it be great to have this image handy so we can just hit the send button and it will immediately translate what those long heyyys actually mean? Wouldn’t it be great if we can make things simpler for our dear exes to understand so they’d stop texting us?
1 Do I need to send NO in a different language?
We gotta admit it… sometimes, exes just don’t understand what NO means. Suddenly, they’ve forgotten their language, and English is pretty much a basic language. Heck, it’s the universal language! Everybody understands NO. Well, everybody except for exes. Here’s the thing male readers, when your girl says NO, she actually means it. It’s super rare to find a woman who says NO when what she actually means is YES, especially if this woman is already your ex. So when you ask for something, even before you actually get to ask about it, even when you’re just mustering the strength and courage, when she sends you a NO, please, for the love of all holy, take that seriously. Don’t make a fool of yourself. That’s just not helpful and chances are, you will hit the interwebs and you won’t have a nice landing, much less a gracious fall. It’s going to get ugly, dear male readers.