It's the oldest story ever: men hate commitment, men are afraid of commitment, and they just want to be free. They always feel that women are going to be clingy and that's their worst nightmare. They would much rather play the field, date around, and stick to casual situations.
Sound familiar?! The idea that men are absolutely terrified of commitment is something that we hear all too often. It's always a big part of dating and relationship advice. We're always being told to chill out and not show a guy that we like him because if we do, he'll freak out and run in the other direction. While this is super annoying, there are definitely some guys who aren't ready to commit, and there are still more who really are scared of being in a serious relationship. But while we've all met at least one guy who felt that way (and maybe even dated him, unfortunately for us), we probably didn't get the real story about what was going on. We rounded up 15 Reddit posts from IRL guys who got real about commitment. Read on to find out how 15 guys really feel about their fear of commitment and what caused it in the first place!
15 "Men don't fear commitment. They fear commitment to you. If you have a guy who claims, or whom you accuse of fearing commitment...honey, he's just not that into you."
Well, that was bold and harsh, but also true AF. This is basically along the lines of the book and movie He's Just Not That Into You. While we always make dating more complicated than it ever has to be, the real deal is simple: a guy who likes us will, you know, act like he likes us.
If we've ever been in a situation where we really wanted a guy to become our boyfriend but that just didn't seem to be in the cards, it wasn't that he didn't want to be anyone's boyfriend. He just wasn't that into us, no matter how much it might suck to realize that. This is especially true if we noticed that he was in a relationship after we ended things. It's a harsh truth to swallow, but definitely, a good one to remember.
14 "I am a really cynical person and trusted no-one."
This guy's explanation for his fear of commitment? Being cynical and not being able to trust anyone. Yeah, that'll do it.
When a guy says that he can't be in a serious relationship, it's possible that he doesn't believe that relationships can ever be good and positive. It's also possible that he doesn't think that love exists or that any girl will be able to treat him well and be loyal. Maybe this guy was cheated on in the past or he thinks that it will happen if he gets serious with someone. Either way, this sheds light on the issue for sure and is a reminder that a positive attitude is key to a relationship... and so is being able to trust the person that you're going to make your boyfriend or girlfriend.
13 "Why was I afraid of commitment? The thought of the wedding and having all your family and friends watching you while you make this deep commitment....it really freaked me out, like I was scared to do it...maybe because deep down in my subconscious I knew this woman was not the one for me."
Another solid post, this guy's confession is about being freaked out about his wedding day. While he thought that he was afraid of commitment and getting married in general, he soon realized what was really going on: he just didn't love this girl enough.
When we're into a guy and he doesn't want to commit to us or tells us that he's not in the market for a girlfriend, we'll totally tell ourselves all kinds of lies. We don't want to believe that he just doesn't like us as much as we like him, so we'll say, "Oh, he's afraid of commitment." In reality, something is going on underneath the surface, and we should keep that in mind the next time that we're in that awkward, unfortunate situation. When we're with the right person, commitment is not scary at all but totally awesome and beautiful.
12 "Liking freedom. Fear of being vulnerable. Past incidents. Fear of success. Fear of failure/bad relationship."
Here we go... When guys say that they're not into commitment or relationships, they bring out the whole "I love freedom" card. They also say that girls are too clingy and that they "can't be tied down" and have to be able to do whatever they want, when they want.
This guy talks about that, too, but while that's a cliche at this point, he also says some interesting stuff that sheds light on this issue. He says that he was afraid of being in a relationship because he was afraid of it going well, and that's something that a lot of people deal with, even if they don't admit it. Having things go well means being vulnerable and opening yourself up to the other person, and it also means facing your demons and anything that you need to work on. It's not easy, but is so worth it.
11 "I think the fear of commitment is really fear of what you might be passing up on. Imagine if you were buying a car, but you knew you might have to drive that car forever or, if you got rid of the car, it would be a terrible ordeal."
Ugh. This guy says that when someone is afraid of commitment, they're scared of all the girls that they wouldn't be able to date. In this case, he chose a car analogy.
While we might be cringing while reading this post because it's describing guys who love playing the field, this guy isn't wrong. After all, the fear of who else is out there is a big issue in dating, and that's even truer if someone is online dating. People are afraid to go on even a second date because there are so many options and so many people that they could meet and go out with. Maybe someone who feels this way is just being super immature, and once they grow up and realize that getting to know someone is worth it, they'll change their mind.
10 "I don't fear marriage. I fear divorce court. It makes the cost of breaking up too high."
Here's another classic "fear of commitment" argument: the fact that some marriages end in divorce.
When people feel this way, they figure that there's no point bothering with a serious relationship because you're just going to break up anyway. They don't see relationships ever working out and are totally ignoring any evidence to the contrary. Honestly, this is a ridiculous way to think. It's like saying, "Oh, I'm just going to get fired, so I might as well not get a job and not work." Or "I'm going to be hungry again tomorrow so I shouldn't eat today." On a more serious note, when people are truly meant to be together, they don't think that committing to each other and sharing their lives is a scary thing at all, so maybe people who think this way have to meet the right person.
9 "It just so happened that none of the girls I dated before were who I wanted to marry one day. I didn't see the qualities of a lifetime partner or mother in them... just something girls tell themselves to digest the fact that perhaps their partners don't want them in the long term."
This guy brings up a good point, even though the delivery of this post was probably a bit harsh.
Maybe a guy who seems scared of commitment just doesn't want to end up with the wrong person. We can all understand that, can't we? A lot of people aren't dating just to date. They're dating to find the person who is going to be the one for them and who they're going to spend their life with. It's not a joke and they take it really seriously. Maybe we need to reframe the way that we think about being afraid of commitment. Maybe we all need to follow this guy's lead and be afraid of committing to the wrong person who is going to be toxic for us and just not the best life partner.
8 "Men generally aren't afraid of commitment as much as they don't see anything to gain from it."
This post is definitely a pretty big generalization, because it's safe to say that not all men feel this way, just like not all women want commitment.
But it does bring up a good point: some guys don't think that there's any reason to commit to someone. After all, if guys are dating around and getting intimate with a bunch of girls and that's what they care about, they're not going to think that being with one person is a good idea. It's just not something that will interest them. Since they're either not looking for love or they don't believe in it, there's no reason for them to be in a serious relationship. This is a new perspective on the subject for sure and one that a lot of guys must believe in.
7 "I will get so involved with that person (prioritizing them mentally) that when/if they eventually say or do something that damages my ego or makes me sad, it will dull my sense and destroy the way I work toward my ambitions."
It's a shame that this guy had such a bad experience and fell for someone who consumed him so much that his entire life basically fell apart. This post proves that for some guys, they're scared to commit because they did once and it didn't work out for them.
It's frustrating to read these types of confessions, though, because we know that not all relationships are negative and toxic. Just because you had a rough time with one person doesn't mean that the same thing will happen the next time. It sucks that a lot of people feel this way and are afraid to date, but hopefully, they can get over it and find the right person for them. Otherwise, it's just way too sad.
6 "Nothing is a guarantee. There is always that thought in the back of my head that the girl is with someone else (been with unfaithful people before)."
Oh, the old cheating issue. This guy's post definitely brings up a common theme here: the fear of being cheated on.
It must really be tough to go through something like that and not expect every girl to do that to you in the future. But, of course, you have to move on and believe that you're going to find someone who is loyal. Otherwise, you're just selling yourself short and losing out on real love, and no one deserves to be totally and completely miserable. It seems like it's really hard for a lot of guys to trust girls again when they've been cheated on, but even though it won't be easy, it's something that they have to do if they want to find love again.
5 "If anything, I have a total lack of fear in regards to commitment. I commit way too early and get burned every time."
This guy's post brings up a really interesting point that hasn't been mentioned yet: that maybe some guys don't fear commitment at all but get really invested in a relationship early on... and then that's the thing that ruins them.
Maybe this guy will realize his mistake and start taking things more slowly with girls, but chances are, his approach might turn into a fear of commitment for real. And that would suck. While it's not great to throw yourself into a new relationship heart first without being at least a little bit cautious, not being able to commit at all is just as bad. So, really, committing too early is just as horrible as not wanting to commit at all or not allowing yourself to.
4 "For me, it's been ten years of women making me feel like the bad guy for being myself."
A lot of guys (and girls) can probably relate to this guy's post, and it makes sense that if someone had such bad luck with romance, they would be scared to fall in love again.
Sometimes, a guy who is afraid of commitment is really afraid of love, and of being himself and letting someone see the real him. Again, girls can feel like that, too, and maybe some of us have even been in that situation ourselves. No one should let their past define them, particularly their romantic past, but of course, that's much easier said than done. Hopefully, this guy, and others who have been through the same thing can move on and realize that he totally deserves to find love and find a girl who loves him for him.
3 "it's a lacking of a belief that this person can...really provides that security."
It definitely sounds like this person has been hurt in the past since they don't think that anyone can feel safe and secure in a relationship. Don't we just want to give them a big hug right now?
They went on to say that they don't think that anyone can "provide security" for another person. That's a really cynical way to view love and relationships, so it would only seem logical that someone would say this kind of stuff if they had been heartbroken before. Sure, things happen and relationships end, and it's impossible to avoid getting hurt. But if you're so scared to commit to someone, anyone, and you never let yourself fall in love, that's going to suck even more, and that's just not a road that anyone should go down.
2 "A girl broke me because I invested too much in her, and I never want that to happen again. I let my guard down and suffered."
This post makes us feel so sad, doesn't it?! A lot of people can totally relate to this and it must be the reason that a lot of people claim to hate or be afraid of commitment.
Yes, heartbreak happens. Breakups happen. It's impossible not to get hurt. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to find love. That would be an even sadder thing. Some guys feel that if they got hurt in a serious relationship, then that's going to happen again, so they might as well avoid commitment at all costs. Of course, that's just going to make them pretty miserable, and they're just going to miss out on something that could be truly magical and someone who could be perfect for them. Thinking this way is definitely not the right way to go.
1 "I get bored easily and lose feelings fast. Because of that, I’ve never got a real relationship."
It sucks to think about guys who feel this way: that no girl can hold their attention and that they're never going to think that someone is interesting enough to date for a long time.
Is this really the case, or do guys who feel this way get so scared of opening up that they claim that the girls that they're dating are boring? It's food for thought for sure. Let's hope that it's the latter because that would make a lot more sense. Sure, some people really are dull, and we don't need to bother dating them. But maybe this guy just hasn't met the right girl yet and when he does, he'll be so into her and so in love that he won't believe he was ever afraid of commitment before. That's what we would hope would happen for every guy who was supposedly afraid of commitment, right?!
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