When you decide to get married, ideally you know almost everything about one another, or at least the big stuff. Past relationships, children, addictions, and so on should probably be discussed before you decide to tie the knot, so as not to have any disturbing skeletons emerge from the closet in which they’re kept.
Unfortunately for these 15 men, they weren’t so lucky.
Ranging from the mundane like lying about eye colour and age to failing to admit to seedier pasts, we have got confessions that might make you think twice about getting hitched! Marriage requires a great deal of commitment, and sharing yourself with another person, and if you’re not prepared to do that, you should probably rethink your plans. These guys all thought they knew exactly what they were getting into when it came to saying “I do”, but they were unfortunate enough to learn some of their worst nightmares only after they made things official. Before walking down the aisle with your own SO, maybe give these confessions a glance and see if there are some questions you should be asking before you take the plunge.
15. “She’s seven years older than she said she was.”
Hey, who hasn’t lied about their age every now and then? Especially as we women get older, it seems almost socially expected to tell a little white lie about our age to make ourselves seem younger. A few years who and there, but who’s counting?
While seven years is by no means a massive age difference in a relationship, it can be a bit of a shocker to learn the person you’ve just said “I do” too is almost a decade older than you previously thought they were. All the birthday cakes and cards you got them would have had the wrong age on them! Compared to most of the other things on this list that these husbands learned after the wedding, this is pretty tame, but probably no less surprising. Besides, from the sounds of it, this woman is aging like a fine wine and will only continue to look just as awesome as the years tick by!
14. “Her eyes aren’t really blue, they’re coloured contacts.”
Yeah, how do you miss this one? Like, did you two never have any sleepovers prior to getting hitched? Did she just keep her contacts in at all times? As a contacts-wearer, that sounds pretty uncomfortable and quite possibly painful. That being said, some people are just really into the idea of having blue eyes, so much so that they will wear coloured contacts at all times, to the point that it’s what we believe to be true! Case in point: Paris Hilton. The hotel heiress actually has brown eyes, but has worn blue-coloured contacts for every photo we’ve ever seen her in!
We’re sure that the wife in this situation had gorgeous eyes in her natural colour, and since she prefers to bat those baby blues, we say go for it! As long as stuff isn’t getting gross or infected, who cares? But of a shock for the hubby, though, since eye colour can totally transform the look of a face!
13. “She cannot ride a bicycle. Went on a bike ride with friends and she fell over immediately.”
Props to this wife for trying to put on a brave face, but how does one not learn how to ride a bike? For so many of us, that was like THE good-weather pastime, especially if you’re of an age where you’re now old enough to be getting married. How did she miss out on something that could arguably be called a life skill?
Anyway, it sounds like this lady heard the phrase “it’s like riding a bike” and assumed it would be easy – which it is, if you learn how to, first. Instead, she ended up smashing face-first into the pavement and clearly revealing her secret to her new husband and all of his friends. After the got over their initial laughter (and who could help themselves from busting a gut over that?), we hope they did the kind thing and helped her up before making plans to do something they all know how to enjoy!
12. “That twins run in her family. Both sides. Found out during an ultrasound.”
Wait a second, this sounds suspiciously like the surrogate to Monica and Chandler on that episode of Friends! Hopefully, you have enough resources to be able to accommodate the addition of a second little bundle of joy, but holy crap, would that throw you for a loop! One kid is enough responsibility to begin with, but a surprise two? Yeah, that would be a lot to handle. You’d think that, over the course of their relationship, this couple would’ve discussed their family history, especially if they were looking to have kids. In that conversation, you think the subject of twins might have come up at least once, right? Well, apparently not!
Twins are definitely a stressful undertaking, especially for new parents who are trying this whole childrearing thing out for the first time, but at least these kids get a built-in playmate and confidante with the arrival of their unexpected sibling!
11. “That she didn’t believe dinosaurs were real.”
Okay, a little bit of backstory on this one, as per the Reddit user’s posting. Apparently, he and his wife had gone to see Jurassic World in theatres, and after watching the movie, the wife expressed relief that dinosaurs weren’t real.
Not that they were now extinct, mind you, but that they had never existed in the first place.
We don’t know whether to bemoan the lack of education or laugh over her firm belief in this so-called fact. According to her hubby on Reddit, it wasn’t until after they had known each other for six years and she shared this view that it came to his attention. Apparently, she follows the Creationist theory that dinosaur fossils are made up of other animal parts and people just put them there for us to discover. Sadly, too many people are of the same mind.
10. “She didn’t know how the sun worked.”
According to the Reddit user who posted this doozy, the wife in question is very smart. They were neighbours and best friends who had gone to school together since they were children, and been together for 16 years. Despite all that insight and all that intelligence, she did not know how the sun worked. According to her husband, she asked, “Like, what is it made of, and why is it so bright? Is it closer than the moon?”
While we can totally understand curiosity, there are some things that are better left to Google rather than asking the man you’ve been married to for years, at least to save a little face! Also, considering the fact that his wife is “scary smart”, we wonder just what is the IQ of the people around her if she thinks that this is a normal question to ask! Hey, we all have those brain farts sometimes, where we simply can’t remember the word to something, but this is in a league of its own! A science teacher she is not!
9. “She’s secretly obsessed with the Kardashians.”
Okay, this definitely qualifies as grounds for divorce!
Look, who doesn’t love a bit of trash TV every now and then? Some people prefer the so-called reality shows from TLC that deal with strange addictions and hillbilly families, others can’t help but be addicted to soap operas, and then there are people who, like this wife, adore watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians! Considering how saturated our culture is with everything Kardashian and Jenner, it’s understandable that she – and everyone else – would get swept away to see things for herself. Hey, sometimes we all need a little brain break, right? According to the Reddit user who spilled his wife’s dirty little secret, she’s incredibly ashamed of her obsession, turning off the TV immediately once anyone enters the room like she’s watching some embarrassing X-rated material. Depending on your point of view, the Kardashians might be worse.
8. “That she started saving for our wedding one week after we met.”
Depending on your point of view, this is either sweet or creepy. Maybe we’re jaded, but we think that this is creepy stalker behaviour. Obviously, she would never divulge such a thing until after she’d locked her man down, but how is he not running for the hills?
To be fair, saving for a wedding for a man you’ve fallen in love with at first sight might sound obsessive, but it’s not like she made a wedding registry under their names and started telling everyone that they’re engaged after one date. Really, this is just the grown-up version of doodling Mrs. So-And-So in her notebook with lots of little hearts. Plus, if she had a dream wedding in mind that would require a significant amount of funds, it’s not totally ridiculous to start setting aside some cash early on to make it happen. Besides, if things don’t end up working out as planned, she could at least use what she’s squirrelled away for a big trip or something else to treat herself!
7. “She can’t swim unless she plugs her nose. She said this on our way to our honeymoon. Which was down South.”
Like bike riding, swimming really is a life skill. If you find yourself in a pool, lake, or similar, it pays off big time to be able to know how to get yourself safely out of there without drowning. From the sounds of it, this woman can swim, she just can’t swim without plugging her nose, even if she’s not underwater.
In the Reddit post, her husband says that she revealed this little tidbit of info on their way to their honeymoon and that nose plugs don’t work for her, and that she will breathe through her nose even if she wears a scuba mask. One hand will firmly pinch her nostrils shut while the other flails around trying to propel her through the water. Hopefully, these two were able to work something out in order to enjoy their honeymoon, and maybe they kept the swimming to a minimum.
6. “She referred to me as her husband 10 years before we even spoke, and 13 years before our wedding day. Found out about it at the reception from her friends.”
Remember how we said that the woman who started saving for her wedding a week after she met her future husband could be kind of sweet, if not practical? Yeah, well this one lands firmly in crazy territory.
It’s one thing to say that a certain person is the person you’re going to marry, but to tell everyone that he’s your husband already is just freaky! And, considering the fact that this was 10 years before either of them had talked to each other (we can assume they had met once, or knew of each other’s existence, even peripherally) is messed up. We’d say she got damn lucky being able to make good on all of her lies and exaggerations and actually hit it off and tie the knot with this guy, but to learn of that on your wedding day is a major turn-off! Also, huge thanks to all her friends for throwing her under the bus!
5. “She had two other kids, that she abandoned.”
Switching gears from the funny revelations to something a lot sadder, we have this Reddit user. As it turns out, those two children weren’t the first time this wife (now ex-wife, obviously) had bolted from the family. The father and former husband revealed in his post that he had two sons with this woman and that after the youngest was over a year old, his ex-wife left them, and they didn’t see her again for another 10 years! That would make four kids – that this user knows of – that she ran out on.
Being a single parent and bearing the weight of raising kids on your own is exhausting and difficult, to say the least. Unfortunately, this case happened to a lot of other Reddit users, as many commented below the initial post. Perhaps, if this dad had known about the first set of children, he might have been wary of having more with his clearly unstable and selfish wife, but he had the bad luck to find out afterwards, and after she had already left.
4. “How many men she’s been with. I thought I was two of two. Turns out I’m five of seven.”
It’s pretty normal to fudge the numbers a little when it comes to who you’ve been with intimately. Some people want to appear to have had more experience, and so add a few to their real number, while others would like to downplay just how many partners they’ve been with, and so lop a few off the total. As long as you’re sticking with your current partner (and making use of STI testing), you should be okay, right?
Yeah, it’s that last part that didn’t play out so well for this Reddit user. To us, it doesn’t sound like he was at all upset to discover that he was the fifth person his wife had been with – but that he wasn’t the last. Unless you’re doing some Sister Wives ish (or Brother Husbands?), it’s not okay to be taking up with another person behind you spouse’s back and have them learn about it after you two have made things official. A devastating revelation, to be sure, and one that quickly moved this woman into the ex-wife arena.
3. “That she’d been married six other times but ‘only two counted because they lasted more than a year.’”
Yikes, this is a red flag to say the least! Unless you’re getting hitched to the late Elizabeth Taylor, learning that you’ve tied the knot with a six-time divorcée is definitely worrying. It’s like two Ross Gellers in one person! We’re willing to bet that this Reddit user wouldn’t have said “I do” had he known the romantic history of his fiancée, but by the time he found out the truth, it was too late.
If you’re curious as to whether or not these crazy kids managed to work things out, we’ll let you know the obvious: no. Turns out, this wife had a habit of getting hitched, sleeping with someone else, and then taking the money of her soon-to-be-ex. For this Reddit user, the third party in the relationship this time around was his son’s teacher. We can’t imagine she’ll ever find a real happily ever after, but we don’t think she really deserves one, either!
2. “That she was gay.”
This happens more often than you’d think! After we combed through multiple stories of the large and the small things that men learned about their wives after they walked down the aisle, discovering that she was gay was right up there! Again, we’re getting some strong Ross Geller vibes and while having things in common in a relationship is always a good thing, this is probably one thing you don’t want to share an interest in.
Unlike many adult videos and what people might have you think, learning that your wife is as interested in women as you are doesn’t guarantee a ménage-à-trois or girl-on-girl action. While some people might ask how this husband couldn’t have guessed his wife’s orientation, it’s worth acknowledging that she might have had some major emotional baggage that precluded her from coming out when she was younger. Again, it might come as no surprise that this couple didn’t make it.
1. “That she was a bank robber.”
Easily the most shocking of our list, we’ve definitely saved the best for last! Naturally, a revelation like this requires some backstory, so allow us to enlighten you.
The husband learned that his wife had a decent amount of cash to spend on their honeymoon, owing to the fact that she saved everything she earned from summer jobs throughout school. After returning from their honeymoon, there’s a message on their answering machine (2000, when such things existed) from her bank manager boss. As it turns out, his wife wasn’t the kind of bank robber with a mask, gun, and bag with a dollar sign. Instead, she bit the hand that fed her and transferred large sums of money from other bank accounts to her own at her work, totalling $7700 from the small-town bank. In the end, she was found out, they had to pay the bank back, and they divorced, making it an excellent story with a predictable ending!
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