It is all too common in this day and age to stumble across men who can’t commit and settle down if their lives depended on it. It is a sad world for the single female (or male) trying to find a partner to spend their days with. There are plenty of reasons for this. Social media and dating apps give us never-ending possibilities and options, too many. There is no reason for us to settle with one, because why would we? As millennials, we can barely commit to which place we want to get our avocado toast from in the morning, forget a relationship.
This is especially true with men. Men can have meaningless encounters without thinking twice nor getting attached. And as usual, they have an advantage over women – biologically. After sleeping with someone, women crave that oxytocin release that it provides and men run away from it or don’t really care for it. Here are 15 men explaining their reasoning behind being scared of relationships:
15 "People change, I shouldn't have to hop through hoops to no longer be with a person that I am not totally in love with or into anymore."
This dude brings up a point, no doubt. In a relationship, you begin to fall victim to a routine and it is hard to break patterns. The person becomes your best friend, your confidant and your significant other all in one. It can feel impossible to let someone let this go – no matter how wrong they become for you and no matter how much you two grow apart. Comfort is a tricky thing and it can prevent a relationship that would have rather been dead to end. However, no matter what, if you do not see a future with your boyfriend/girlfriend anymore it is vital to cut it off with them. Because then it would really be pointless to stick around and that is a waste of time. Once you fall out of love, chances are you aren’t going to fall back in love. If you stay in this kind of a relationship you will begin to feel “trapped”, to quote Masonjarteadrinker2 (interesting reddit username).
14 "Because variety is something that I always desire, there is nothing more fulfilling than the first time I sleep with a girl. I’m not afraid of being hurt as much as I am of being trapped in a situation where I can’t have that anymore."
What is with men and feeling “stuck” or “trapped”? I am assuming that these are grown ass adults and they have the ability to let something go if they want to. Time to grow up a little, boys. Besides, you should never feel like a caged animal in a relationship, you should be able to be totally yourself and free. You should be able to find excitement in your relationship every day as opposed to feeling stuck. That is just not the right situation to be in. One of the best things about being with someone that you love is watching them grow and watching yourself grow with them. It is about the metamorphosis of two people going through life together and facing all adversary that faces them – and beating it. I’m sorry but you can’t find this kind of a partnership with people that you randomly sleep with. It is so unfulfilling, in my opinion.
13 “Because I've seen far, far more brutal divorces and unhappy excuses for marriages up close than 'good marriages'. As someone who does not want children, there is literally no point at all to it.”
This is a fear that I share as well. Coming from a divorced home myself, I have firsthand seen what kind of damage it can cause to a family and to everyone involved. It is a total nightmare that no one should have to go through – but it happens every single day. Regardless of whether you come from a divorced home or not, you don’t have to look far to see that the divorce rate is at an all-time high and that mere fact in of itself can turn a huge believer in marriage into a serious skeptic. This can scare anyone from commitment and be taking things to the next level in your relationship. However, divorce doesn’t happen to everyone – despite popular opinion. There are still plenty of couples who say “I do” and they last for a lifetime, so I try to be a little bit more positive when thinking about marriage than my past would lead me to believe.
12 “Because 'what I want' has to become 'what we want'; but 'what we want' is very rarely 'what I want'."
This is also very true. When you are in a committed relationship, you have to sacrifice certain things and aspects of your life. You have someone’s thoughts, emotions, and actions to worry about. And this can become problematic for someone who doesn’t want to give up things – whether it be freedom to go out whenever they want or just the simple idea of staying faithful to one particular person. This Reddit user also brings up a good point when he said “what we want is very rarely ‘what I want’. Relationships also entail a lot of compromises and you are not always going to get what you want. Most of the time, it is a little bit of your desires and a little bit of theirs. Not always a bad thing, but it can be a struggle for someone who is used to being selfish and single. Meeting someone in the middle takes a lot of patience and effort.
11 "I like diversity, flirting, and many perks of single life. Also, I love the whole 'early dating' phase with a girl when you get to know and discover who she is, monogamy prevents me from doing these things and I hate having to rule out such an appealing part of life."
Ah, this kind of man is always one to stay away from when you want something more significant, the classic commitment-phobe. They just love the thrill of the chase and they can’t seem to stop. Nothing is ever good enough for them and they get bored way too easily and they give no one woman a chance, why would they? They know that they can have variety. What they don’t understand is that a relationship doesn’t have to be boring, in fact, it should always be exciting. It should be effortless and easy. And it shouldn’t be stressful (most of the time.) I believe that it is so much better to get to know one person piece by piece rather than multiple people at once. And sex should never become boring, either and there are certain ways to be “sexually diverse” in a relationship. This dude needs a reality check. But to each their own, I suppose.
10 "Divorce is so common, and I hate seeing how one person in the relationship gets screwed financially, and I don't want to be that person."
Like I mentioned before, divorce sucks. There is another aspect that never really gets talked about that this user brings up – the cost of going through one is astronomical! You have lawyer fees up the wazoo and it can leave you in thousands of dollars of debt. There is a lawyer fee for everything – they charge you hundreds of dollars to speak to you on the phone. This kind of financial burden can almost be just as damaging and devastating as losing your spouse and it is happening all at once when you are going through a separation. This will especially be devastating for those individuals who decided to be idiots and not sign a prenup. A lack of a prenup means that the person that you are divorcing can (and will probably try to) take half of your net worth and assets. Pretty scary stuff.
9 What do I get out of committing? Also, I don't believe I can make a promise about how I will feel in the distant future.”
This is kind of sad. Who doesn’t see being in love and having someone to share your life with as rewarding? I believe that there is nothing more satisfying than being in a healthy and happy relationship. So the fact that this man doesn’t know what he will get out of committing to someone makes me feel sorry for him. And it is not like you can’t get out of one if you grow out of the person or you no longer feel the same – there is ALWAYS a way out! No matter what, like I said if a relationship isn’t working out for the better you must end it. Do these men think that the women that they are with are going to lock them up and throw away the key if they dare decide to leave them? Please spare me. If you have balls you should have the ability to break up with someone.
8 "I feel like no one could ever truly love me and because of this, I refuse to get emotionally attached to anyone for fear of them ever leaving my life."
How depressing! A lot of people struggle with this. Everyone is scared to get hurt because chances are you have been burned once or twice and it seems like the right thing to do to avoid a broken heart all over again. It is so painful to fall for someone only to have them leave. It is an inevitable, you will get broken up with once or twice in your life if you are dating around. It is really difficult to avoid and most people go through it! However, if you never take the risk you will never find that special someone that won’t leave your side no matter what. It is inaccurate to believe that men don’t have self-esteem and real fears like women. They just tend to hide it better or don’t fess up to it. Society tells them that it makes them less of a man if they do this which is total BS.
7 "I know a bunch of married men who have advised me to never get married. I've gotten this advice from people; jokingly, seriously, from a drunk advisor, and from a sober advisor."
Hey buddy: here’s an idea. Why don’t you try hanging out with married people who are actually happy together? It exists, I promise you. And what douchebags they are anyway talking about their marriage like that. How disrespectful? If you did this you may have a different perspective on marriage altogether. Has he ever thought that he is just hanging around miserable men? Not everyone is suited for marriage, no doubt, and as a grown man you shouldn’t let your married guy friends persuade you from not getting married. Just because they are unhappy doesn’t mean that you will necessarily be. There are men that feel the complete opposite of your amigos. You don’t have to look far to see other dudes an that have married the girl of their dreams and are elated to be spending the rest of their lives with them. So I would recommend not listening to your friend at the neighborhood BBQ when he is unhappy that his wife is constantly nagging at him.
6 "Because I see a lot of other girls that I'd love to f*** throughout the day and I'm not ready to ignore all of them. Plus, you might start to annoy me.”
Alright, this guy is a total asshat and has a total cheater/player vibe. Regardless, men are visual creatures and they think about sex constantly throughout the day, so it is not unheard of that a guy wants to have a ton of it with multiple different women. However, the second comment about someone possibly starting to annoy him is laugh worthy. Dude, what if YOU start to annoy THEM? You already seem annoying and crass just from your statement on Reddit, please don’t flatter yourself too much. You ain’t all that, especially if you are confessing things on a public forum. And who says that all of the women who you see also share the same feelings and want to sleep with you?
5 “I've been engaged and she ended up finding solace in someone else instead of working on things. I don't want to be stuck if someone else suddenly decides they don't want me anymore.
Another man afraid of abandonment – I can’t help but feel sorry for him! But again, you can’t stop one bad situation from pursuing love altogether. Then you will truly be alone for the rest of your life with no one by your side. We are all going to go through people leaving us and people breaking up with us, it is just the way the cookie crumbles, unfortunately. Some people are just meant to be learning lessons and building blocks for us to become the people who we are meant to be. Unfortunately for men, it takes one horrible break-up to taint him for a long time. It is usually hard for them to open up and if they do so and eventually get hurt it is never good for anyone. This is usually the reasoning behind why some men (and maybe women!) are players – they would rather keep people at a distance in fear of getting their hearts broken.
4 "What do you get out of a relationship that you don't get being single? There's always friends and family or people whom you share hobbies with and you can always find someone to sleep with."
Yeah, dude, except you’re missing one component about the first portion of your statement – you can’t be in LOVE with your friends and family. Certainly, you can love them but it doesn’t hold a torch to actually being in love. You can’t fall in love by just sleeping with someone and never talking to them again. Anyone who has been or is in love can back me up when I say that it is the best feeling in the entire world. It is like you are walking on a cloud every single day. Sorry, but cooking with your buddy or playing video games doesn’t compare to the feeling of being with a woman who you love. I don’t care how much fun you have during boys nights or how awesome the thrill of the chase is, it will never ever compare to falling head over heels with someone.
3 "I like my space, I like having only myself to dictate what I'm going to do with my life, I don't want to end up as an empty shell of a man, and I don't want a partner trying to change who I am. There are multitudes of reasons against committing to a person, and Reddit is too small to contain them all."
And there is a multitude of reasons as to why you SHOULD commit to a person! Damn, who messed these men up? I think I speak for all single women when I say to the girl that caused the damage, thanks a lot. Now we have to deal with an emotionally unavailable man because you decided to cause irreparable damage with your selfishness. Of course, everyone likes their space, you can still have that while you are dating someone! Space is healthy even for people who are in serious relationships. You can travel WITH someone, which is so much better than traveling alone. Who is going to take that sick picture of you on the top of a mountain in Hawaii? And if you are ending up as an empty shell of a man in a functioning than you weren’t very much a man in the first place. Sorry to break it to you.
2 "One of the hardest things about marriage is staying together when you don't need to and don't want to. You don't have good and bad days. You have good and bad years. Sticking through the bad ones is incredibly hard."
True, a marriage is a ton of work. And it is seriously not for everyone. No one should let society pressure them into it if they don’t feel that it is right for them. Plenty of people are in stable committed relationships without exchanging vows. But for those who do want to get married, they know what they are getting themselves into. And true, you can be miserable in a marriage at times – for better or for worse, right? But what is more miserable is being alone forever. Not having someone to come home to and share your day with. Not having someone who loves you wholeheartedly. Remember that. No one wants to be greeted at the door with their pet forever and not a significant other, loneliness sucks. Although, dogs do make for fantastic company. They can be better than a man at times but it will still never cut it.
1 “I don’t think there's a lot in it for particularly young men. It just means more drama, a bunch of s****y obligations, and the inability to sleep with other people."
I am a true believer in a man needing to grow up, sleep with a bunch of women and find out what they like before diving into a relationship. Otherwise, they will feel like they got cheated out of their youth and their freedom. They need to feel like they have completed all of their conquests and have accomplished everything that they want to do in life. In addition, a man usually tends to want to be financially stable and secure before they dive head first into a serious situation. They are the breadwinners by nature and they want to feel like they can take care of their own which is completely respectable. However, I completely disagree with the fact that there is nothing in it for men. C’mon now, every man wants to be catered to by the woman that they love – that is a bunch of garbage.