The world is obsessed with relationships. We’re so focused on the relationship and the coupling and the marriage and the cohabitation and the kids and the couples' trips and holidays for couples and couples' massages that the single folks get left all the way out. We treat single people like lepers sometimes. We treat them like losers and we shame them. Meanwhile, being single af is probably god’s best gift to any spirit having a human experience. Being alone allows us to explore things like ourselves, but it also gives us time to analyze the universe, skin, cats, the time/space continuum, plants, sex, and music. Being alone is probably the most romantic time we can spend with another entity –our physical self with our spiritual self. But society doesn’t get that, they think we gotta be paired up, we need it, we crave it, and without it all humankind as we know it will somehow diminish. Not all people are meant to be in relationships just like not everyone is meant to stay single. The point is, respect the differences. Couples and single af people alike –come together and appreciate each other. From each other we can realize the lifestyle we don’t want and use that as a reference and guide. But in the meantime, let’s talk about being sinlge af for those who are almost convinced they're looking to move into coupledom.
15 The Cat Lady
You know your single life is on some craziness if you are replacing people with cats. Cats are cute, no doubt about it. Have you seen all the cute cat videos on youtube? The cats that says I love you, the one that begs like a dog, or the jumping cats compilation? Of course you have, we’re girls, we’re women, we’re witches –we’re totally into cats, it’s in our nature. But it’s another thing to act like any semblance of a relationship you have with your cat can possibly replace real human contact. If that is the case, no wonder you’re single, girl. I hope you have friends at least and don’t consider the sum of your daily interactions between you and your cat to be satisfactory. I get it, some of you are introverts and feel more at home in your home with your cats, but that doesn’t mean you should negate human interactions altogether. However, if you’re really happy where you are, being a crazy cat lady, then good for you. Whatever makes your whiskers tingle.
14 Date night
The caption says it all. Girl, if you’re date night is this and you're posting pictures of it, then you’re probably pretty happy with your single af life. You don’t care about what others think –good for you. And you feel that the company of a cat is as good as the company of any human –might be true. For some of y’all, this is the perfect date night, this is the perfect weekend, and you’re alright with doing it time and time again. But for others, those boos who are crying into their bowls of pasta and wineglasses simultaneously, this is not the way to escape single life. You’ve gotta get out there and have a date night with another human. It does not have to be a crush or even a boy, but you should be creating relationships with others; that way you can hone your dating skills for when the real thing comes around. Try date night with a new person, a co-worker, a cousin, a long-lost friend, your parents, your bestie. Boost your social skills, get comfortable in public, get comfortable with eating and drinking with another person –but for the love of all cats, don’t make your cat your dinner date all the time ‘cause sometimes she is feeling weird about what’s happening between y’all.
13 Marry myself
There are some of y’all who are too much for your own good. You play the role of boyfriend and girlfriend better than the best, healthiest couples. The advantage is that you’ve clearly formed a good relationship with yourself, you can handle any and all situations because you’re running on that dual-gender stuff, and you feel self-sufficient in a way that most won’t understand. The disadvantage is that you are too attached to youself and refuse to get close to others; this could be a personal choice because you wanted to be autonomous and increase your confidence, but it could also be the result of some old relationship trauma. While you know what you want and don’t want, that’s incredible and more than most can say about their ideal partners, you’ve blocked yourself off from forming real relationships. It might be due to fear, it might be because you just don’t want to right now. But the fact of the matter is if you’re your best boyfriend and can do it all, no man is gonna wanna try and fill that role because he knows he’ll fall short. Guys like to feel useful, so at least be mediocre in something or fein weakness –that is if you’re tired of being single af. If not, keep doing you, boo.
You might be single af because your conversation skills are way off and awkward and middle school and not interesting and boring af. Hence the previous point about practicing your social skills so you don’t do things like ask about favorite colors and other weird stuff like that. While those questions do come naturally, that should not be the substance of your conversations. You gotta learn how to have a titillating conversation that makes the gods and goddesses wanna learn more about you and be in your company as often as possible. The way you get there is by practicing; another way is by observing. Still yet, ask your super social butterfly friends how they do it –and for the love of any and all telephone conversations or texts, take notes and apply what you learn. There is an art to conversation and there’s no better time to learn than right now. Don’t be embarrassed, know that you've got some growing to do and grow; make it happen.
11 People person
Some of y’all hate on people for real. And some of y’all get hated on because maybe you’re not approachable, your energy is a little off, or you haven’t been taught how to be around people. Let’s address the first point. Some of y’all hate hard on people and act like you don’t have time to entertain conversations, like you can’t be bothered, and the truth is most people bother you. Well, girl, in that case –no wonder you’re single. That type of attitude is tough to be around. You might want to reconsider being such a hater and so critical of others. We all have faults, girl. Did you hear me, we all have faults, and yes, you’re included. You better check yourself. Let’s look at the second point, this is a matter of training. You haven’t been properly trained on how to be a people person and thus people don’t really want to be around you or feel comfortable around you. That can be fixed. As mentioned in the previous paragraphs, you can become more social no matter what type of wallflower, hermit, or recluse you are. There’s hope for us all.
Now this is just sad and sad because we’ve all been there. Well, most of us anyways. Sometimes we prefer ice cream to a relationship. And by ice cream I mean anything that we use to replace a partner –it can be food, drugs, alcohol, exercise, work. Whatever it is, we tell ourselves that we want it more than a relationship. That might be true. Actually, it is true hence your single status. You’ve chosen things over experiences. It has a lot to do with childhood trauma and that’s something only you can address and come to terms with, but until that day, your boyfriend will be your tub of ice cream. Why? Because it feels good and it feels safe. And the ice cream makes you feel loved and not judged. That’s what we all want anyways, right? So you being single af is a defense mechanism, which you feel is necessary to survive this cruel, cruel world. I don’t blame you. I’ve been alone more than a handful of times with a gallon of ice cream and the biggest spoon I could find. Enjoy your single af phase, this too shall pass.
Being single af means getting drunk af. I get it. It’s cool. We’ve all been there. And if some of you haven’t, you should experience it. But using alcohol as a coping mechanism might be the reason why your a$$ is staying single in the first place. Don’t let other people’s happiness be your unhappiness. All those weddings and baby showers might not even be your happiness. Do you even know what your happiness is, girl? Do you know what it looks like? Well, if you don’t, then you should not be coveting other people’s happiness especially if it might be a happiness that’s got nothing to do with you. All that disgruntled energy is also keeping people at bay and not to mention how annoying you can get when you’ve had one too many. Being single can be cool af, but if you're trying to hold down a partner, then you’d better put down those drinks and consider mixing it up with a person and not with some cocktails.
8 Wishful thinking
We all have lofty dreams. That’s what life is about. It’s about dreaming and dreaming the unexpected, dreaming big, and dreaming the intangible. However, if you’re in a place where a boyfriend is not a possibility, you might want to slow things down a bit, honey. You see, in order to get a boyfriend you have to do “me” work first. You can’t just wish for something and because you want it, it comes true. Well, for some people life works like that and I’m not exactly sure, but for the majority of us –in order to get something, we have to put in some work first. This does not have to be hard work or even strenuous work, but we at least, at the very least, have to be proactive. Dreaming big is a big yes. Do it, but don’t do it if you’re not ready to put in the energy. There is energy involved and perhaps the reason you stay in singleville is because you’re not willing to go the extra mile and you stay dreaming about boyfriends and unicorns.
You only date beasts, huh? Stay on that hunt for beasts and let us know how it goes for you. Let us know where you are in a few years time. Having one type of man, one type period is what’s making you have set backs and keeping you single af. This mindset of having a type, hunting for that prince charming is about as charming as thinking you’ll look 21 forever. Girl, that’s an excuse and it’s keeping you right where you are. Being attached to one type limits our ability to see others as prospects and limits our ability to be open to simple conversations. We say he’s not my type, he’s too tall, he’s too short, he’s too whatever –but perhaps what you’re missing is that you’re too damn picky. Truth be told, it sounds like you don’t even wanna be in love with all those demands. And are you worth all that waiting and hunting? Are you one of them special kinda girls? ‘Cause if you’re not, you’d better get it right.
6 Comfortable af
While you chilling on that sunken in old af couch, your love life is getting old af, too. Lying around like every day is a rainy day, all cuddled up and in love with yourself and your stories. Girl, please, do yourself a favor, turn off that garbage, get off the couch, and go live your life. You're sitting there living your life through the stories of others, but meanwhile your life is passing you by. You haven’t had human contact in days and your plan is to continue like this until when, honey? Crying that you don’t have a boyfriend, but not doing anything about it. Crying that no one wants to kick it with you, but you don’t do anything exciting. Crying that you're gonna die alone, but you haven’t left the couch or those habits in a long a$$ time. Instead of complaining about being single af while you become a potato, stand up and step outside. There is a world out there and it’s waiting for you to live in it and it’s ready for you to quit that single af life. Give it a try. You have nothing to lose. From where you are now, things can only get better.
5 The fake out
Swearing on holy books and graves that you love your single life. Shouting to the tops of mountains and sky scrapers that there ain’t nothing like single life. Laughing in the faces of couples because for you single life is where it’s at. Girl, stop that. Stop lying and tell yourself the truth. You are bragging and claiming a thousand four leaf clovers on your single af life, but meanwhile you are miserable af. Really, there’s nothing wrong with being single. It gives us a moment to reflect on ourselves and allows us to breathe in the sweet, glorious taste of freedom. However, for some of us there is a limit for how long we like to stay single. And for those who like to hop from one relationship to the next, a few weeks could feel like a lifetime; for the more experienced, you already know that relishing these moments is the only thing you can do. If you are single af, live it up and don’t look at it as something negative. It’s a growth period, a cocoon, a time to transform into a better version of yourself for your next phase in life.
Meanwhile, some of you are like super traumatized by men, you are so traumatized that you are off men. And girl, I don’t blame you. No one is giving men a bad rep except men themselves. They play us, but really they are playing themselves. They hurt us, but really they're hurting themselves. And they dog us, but we can be the last one to bite. By not accepting that all men are dogs, we can not only bite back, but fight back. We don’t have to live with the trauma that some men have inflicted upon us, we can rise up, and demand better. We can become more confident which will make us more observant and intelligent when it comes to making choices about men. In this way, our decision to stay single af doesn’t have to make us feel helpless or hopeless. From mistakes, we learn. And from dogs, we learn how to train –not just ourselves, but the wolf pack that’s steady on our heels.
3 Busy body
When you get into some hobbies that might put you on the edge of acceptable society, then you should not question your single af status. There are some things that will prevent you from being able to connect with other human beings on a semi-normal level. Things like crocheting clothes for cats, for example. If you’re cool with that, then enjoy life as you so desire, my pretty. Do you and be happy where you are. However, if you are doing these unusual hobbies and expecting to also have a boyfriend, you might be too unrealistic, at least for this planet anyways; you might also consider finding someone equally as quirky as you and that way your status will go from zero to complete in no time. Don’t even think about becoming someone you’re not just to be with another human being. If you are the person who knits hats for cats and you’re happy there, then stay being that person and wait for the universe to bless you with a knitted hat enthusiast. He’s out there, you just gotta wait or find some social sites where knitters are united. You can say goodbye to singletown and live happily ever after, like two bugs in a knitted rug.
For some of y’all, acting right just doesn’t come natural. You have all of these defense mechanisms and you do passive-aggressive b.s. from the start. You act like you're not single and looking; you turn guys away like you're already taken. Do not wonder for one second why you are single af because I just gave you like three reasons. If you want to up your game, that is become a socially semi-acceptable person, you’ve got to manage any issues and anxieties and anger you have starting as soon as humanly possible or as soon as you are ready. Sometimes all that baggage is too much for you to carry, but imagine how much heavier it will be for someone else. Don’t do that. Deal with your stuff first, boo. Then go out looking. Your guard does not always have to be up, sarcasm is not always cute, and playing too hard to get can keep you single af. Take your time in healing, get it right, and then see if you can pull a man of your dreams.
This isn’t funny, it’s just the truth. So you’re single af, so what. It’s where you’re supposed to be right now. This is time for you. Do with this time what you will, but use it wisely and don’t let a moment go by where you are not working on, doing, or creating something that makes you happy. You see, the single af life is a splendid life. It’s full of self-exploration, it’s full of learning what you like best and learning what bothers the hell outta you, it’s about being comfortable alone and in silence, it’s about being your own best friend. All that stuff might sound new age-y and hippie dippy, but I can promise you the best years of your life will be spent in the single realm. You can do what you want when you want. You feel free to be, you can cry, fart, laugh, eat, dance in peace –that is if your inner critic lets you. Don’t be hard on yourself for being single. Look at yourself as a rebel, a modern woman who says that she can be complete and happy and single af; the whole paradigm of coupling is becoming so 20th century. You are a woman on the cusp and brink of being ultra modern. Go thee forth, darling, and enjoy being single af; bonus, T.I. said this, so it must be true and it must be followed.