Often, when we find ourselves in unhealthy relationships, we try to convince ourselves that everything is okay despite the glaring signs that it’s not. We can end up wasting so much time and energy lying to ourselves that we’re meant to be with someone, when really our gut instincts and the evidence in the relationship are telling us otherwise. We tend to project our wants and desires onto our partners and we often don’t hesitate putting on those all-too-familiar rose tinted glasses that blind us to the reality of what’s really going on. Sometimes we can get so obsessed with trying to make something work, that we fail to see the ugly truth that’s staring us in the face – or we just to choose to ignore it.
Breaking up with someone is never easy and it’s often painful admitting to ourselves that as much as we wish it could work with someone, the best thing to do is actually part ways. If you’re not feeling completely happy with the person you’re with, and you feel like no amount of trying is making things better, it might be time to admit to yourself that you’d both be better off without each other. If you’re having doubts about your relationship, tune into these 15 lies you’re probably telling yourself in order to stay with your partner. If they ring true for you, it might be time to take action.
15. I Can Change Him
There’s a saying that goes “a tiger can’t change its stripes” but truthfully, tigers can’t change each other’s stripes either. No matter how much you hope and believe that you’ll be able to change your partner to suit your own personal desires, the sad truth is you can’t. Sure, you might be able to get him to put the dishes in the dishwasher after dinner, or convince him to put his dirty underwear in the hamper instead of ditching them on the bedroom floor, but when it comes to the bigger issues in a relationship it’s unlikely that your other half will change. Going into a relationship with an aim to “fix” the other person is a bad way to start a meaningful connection in the first place, and sometimes we need to remember that love isn’t a project – it’s a state of being. If it’s over dirty undies and grotty plates that you’re considering breaking up with your partner, then maybe remember patience and compromise are two essential ingredients in a love recipe. However, if issues of morals, ethics, and ideology are causing friction, then maybe it’s time you consider finding someone who actually shares your same values.
14. He’s A Good Person So I Should Stay With Him
Just because someone is nice, doesn’t mean you should stay with them. Ok, so maybe your partner is dedicated to saving the rainforest and spends their time deworming orphans in Calcutta – but that should have no bearing on how you’re feeling and whether you should stay with him or not. Ask yourself, “Does this person make me happy?” If the answer is not a resounding “YES”, then you should probably think twice about staying with him. Sometimes being nice just isn’t enough to keep the fires of passion burning, and why let someone extinguish the flame when you could have someone fanning it hotter? It’s easy to feel guilty for needing to break up with someone when there’s not a big, specific reason for wanting to do so. If in your heart of hearts you know that you’re not happy though, don’t let his kindness manipulate you. Only you know how you really feel and only you know what will and won’t make you happy. This is a tricky one but trust your gut. There will be someone out there who is not only kind but also makes you excited to be with them. Sometimes you’ve just got to say “No More Mr. Nice Guy.”
13. Maybe He’ll Break Up With Me First If I Avoid Him
This one is more of a risk than a lie, but it’s a dangerous path to go down. You might think that by avoiding your difficult relationship situation, you’ll be able to get out of doing the dirty breakup deed. But by running away from your problems and your partner, you’ll actually end up doing more damage than good. Ghosting someone is always a harsh move, especially if the person you’re ignoring is the one with whom you’re meant to be in love. Addressing a bad relationship head on, as awkward and painful as it might be, is always better than just ignoring it. Avoiding your partner will only cause more damage and hurt, and if you care about your partner at all, you’ll give him enough respect and friendship to not pull this move on him. Sometimes you just need to put your big girl pants on and take action.
12. I Won’t Find Anyone Better
This is one of the biggest lies that needs debunking. Are you ready for the truth? Here it is: if you aren’t completely happy or satisfied with the relationship you’re in, then it is not the one you’re meant to be in. It’s important to remember that you will meet a lot of people on your exciting journey through life, and you’re bound to meet a lot of interesting characters along the way. Some of the people you meet will be connected to you for life, others won’t. What’s important to remember is that you matter. This is especially true when you’re in a relationship with someone. Remember to let your life have value outside of just simply “being” with that person. It’s easy to get caught up in the initial excitement of finding someone to call your significant other. But when things start to go south and show no signs of getting better, remind yourself that this isn’t the last relationship you’ll ever be in. Happiness is not a luxury in a relationship, it is a necessity. Go out and find that person who makes you light up at the very thought of him. He’s out there, promise!
11. I’ll Lose All My Friends
When you’re with someone for a while, it’s inevitable that your circle of friends will increase as you get to know your partner’s buddies. In some cases, you’ll actually become a valued and treasured part of their squad, and you’ll probably worry that if you break up with your partner you’ll inevitably lose your new friends. Although things will undoubtedly change when you split with someone, good friends are for life and you’ll put in the time and effort to remain close to those whom you care about. Breaking up with someone because a romantic relationship isn’t working out doesn’t mean having to break up with your friends too. It might be a bit awkward at first and you might feel the need to check with your pals if your ex will be showing up to a get-together that’s being planned. But it’s also important to remember that just because you split with someone doesn’t mean you need to deprive yourself of having fun and hanging out with your friends. Why should they get to have all the fun when you’ve put up with unhappiness for so long?
10. I Won’t Know How To Date Anymore
Today’s dating scene is radically different than how it was just a few years ago. It seems like almost every day there’s a new app or website that promises you’ll find your perfect match with just the tap of a button or a small subscription fee. If you’ve been out of the dating game for a while, these unlimited options might seem a tad daunting and confusing. But don’t forget, just because we live our lives through screens these days, doesn’t mean that you have to too. Remember the days when you’d bump into someone at a party or have a chance encounter with someone at the bookstore? If swiping left and right isn’t your thing and you’ve got relationship fever on the brain, take this as an opportunity to make your love-finding mission an excuse to go out there and have fun. While others might be satisfied sitting at home organizing their love life through apps, why not go out there and make some real connections? Then again, even if you are skeptical about trying these new dating methods, why not try them out for yourself before writing them off? Dating is all about a positive mindset. Open yourself up to new experiences. You might surprise yourself!
9. If I Wait Long Enough, Things Will Get Better
Patience is a virtue, but love and happiness cannot be found where they don’t exist. There is no doubt that in any relationship there will be rough patches, and often these are short-lived periods that are over quickly. However, extended periods of time when you feel you are being neglected or taken for granted may call for more serious action to be taken than just waiting around for things to magically get better. As they say, it takes two to tango, and both you and your partner should be making efforts towards making your relationship strong, stable, and healthy. If you feel like you’re constantly trying your best to salvage the romance and your partner’s not putting in the same amount of time or energy to do so too, then it’s pretty clear that maybe you should find someone else who’s as committed to being with you as you are with them.
8. I Need Him
If you are already having thoughts about breaking up with someone, then you’ve already confirmed to yourself that there’s something not quite right with your current situation. As hard as it may be to imagine life without your significant other, just remember that you are the most important person to yourself. We put so much effort into loving our partners unconditionally, so why don’t we put that same effort into loving ourselves the same way? Sometimes it’s difficult convincing ourselves that we deserve the same amount of love and attention that we so readily offer to others. It’s important to recognize when you need to put your needs and your happiness first, even if that means making the hard choice to leave your partner. But remember, you only need those who are adding positivity to your life. One of the most effective ways of being happier is cutting ties with negative people around you. If being with someone starts being more of a chore than a choice, then you don’t need that negative energy weighing you down. This is YOUR life. Choose who you want to spend it with.
7. I’ll Be Lonely
You will probably feel lonely post-breakup. It’s hard not to. But the lie is that is will last forever. After a considerable time listening to Adele on repeat and eating your weight in junk-food, you will resurface from under the quagmire of sadness that you felt immediately post-breakup. Not only will you come out of it feeling like a new woman, but you’ll also probably be energized with new life and a desire to make other fun, healthy adjustments to your life too. If the lonely bug is biting you, take up a new hobby! You’ll soon see that all of a sudden you have more time for yourself and more time to do the things you want to do. You’ll also probably have a lot more time for those friends you always had to cancel on last minute because you felt guilty about not hanging out with your significant other. Not only will you see yourself making plans more often with friends you already have, but in exploring your interests and hobbies, you’re bound to make new friends as well. Your life doesn’t end when your relationship does. Go out and be you!
6. I Won’t Get Over Him
Yes you will! It can be difficult picturing your life without the person you’ve spent so much of your time with, but honestly you will eventually learn to live without him. It might not be easy, and there might be the urge to send him a drunken “I miss you” text. But have faith in yourself and your strength. Breaking off an unhealthy relationship with someone will be so much healthier for you overall. Sure, choosing the healthy option isn’t always as easy or as fun as the often difficult alternative, but if you pick what’s actually best for you, you’ll thank yourself later. Time has a sneaky way of mending broken hearts and making even the worst situations not seem so bad. Remember those times you went out with your friends and maybe had a little too much fun and woke up the next morning full of regret and embarrassment? It may have seemed like you would never be able to face the world again because of what you did the night before. But you know what? You did. You moved on. You picked yourself up and got on with life because you had to. And you know what? The same is true of moving on after breaking up with someone. You will get over them and you will get back to your normal life.
5. All Relationships Are Hard Work
There is a very real difference between putting an effort into a relationship and constantly working to keep it afloat. There will be times when two people have to go the extra mile to take each other’s needs into consideration and opt for compromise over combat. But there’s a fine line between being reasonable and accommodating and becoming a doormat. If you’re putting in all the time and effort to make a relationship work and you’re getting nothing in return, it may be time to call it quits. If you find yourself constantly arguing with your partner and never resolving any of the tricky situations your relationship is facing, it might just be because the two of you aren’t meant to be together. Fights are inevitable in any relationship, but you shouldn’t think that being in a constant state of anger and frustration is a normal part of being with someone. Forcing a relationship to work is not a healthy or happy position to be in, so take time to consider whether the hard work in your relationship is actually productive. If it seems pointless, then it probably is.
4. I Should Wait Until After The Holidays To Break Up With Him
This one’s a classic. You’ll try and convince yourself that you absolutely can’t break someone’s heart before a holiday. You’ll say, “I’m not that heartless” or “I’m not that much of a monster!” and you’ll end up staying with someone longer than you ought to just to avoid giving them the holiday blues. But isn’t it worse just stringing someone along? There’s no point pretending to be happy when you’re actually making yourself more miserable and putting off a stress that could be fixed sooner rather than later. Maybe you think it’ll be easier on both of you since you have your own concerns about being lonely over the holiday period too. But don’t worry about being alone. Even if you don’t have plans to spend the holidays with friends and family, take the breakup as an opportunity to meet new people and have a little fun. There are always parties and gatherings happening throughout the holiday season, and who knows who you might meet. Do yourself a favor and nip that bad relationship in the bud as soon as you can. Sometimes the best holiday gift you can give your partner and yourself is the truth.
3. I’ll Be The Bad Guy If I Want To Break Up
As much as we sometimes like to imagine we’re living in our very own rom-com, the truth is we’re not. And, because we’re not living our lives in a movie, this means there is no “good guy” and “bad guy.” Breaking up with someone because it’s the right thing to do is just common sense. If you’re nervous about breaking up with someone because you don’t want to be mean, the honest truth is that there will be hurt feelings, and someone will probably think you’re being “the bad guy.” It’s very rare to experience a breakup where there isn’t some kind of painful backlash, but that just comes with the territory of dating. You wouldn’t stay in a dead end job and turn down your dream career just to make your boss happy would you? The same goes for finding love. You should never stay with someone just because they’re happy and you’re not. Don’t be the victim of your own story. Be the warrior princess and fight for your right to be happy.
2. I’m Being Too Picky And Demanding
If there’s one thing that’s gone on for too long, it’s men claiming that women are too bossy, too fussy, too picky, and too demanding. Just because we’re not being submissive to their every want and desire does not mean that we are being unreasonable. And, just because you aren’t happy in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re asking for too much. Of course, a degree of reality is necessary in every relationship. If you’re expecting your partner to be your own personal butler, chef, cleaner, therapist, and look like Chris Hemsworth, then maybe reassess your expectations. But wanting a kind, supportive, loving partner is not asking for the world. In fact, it’s the bare-minimum! Don’t let anybody convince you that you should settle for less than you’re worth. Settling for someone you don’t really want to be with or with whom you can’t really envision a future is quite simply a waste of your time. Be choosy and choose wisely. Spending time alone and dedicating your time to becoming the person you want to be is a much better way to spend your time than just settling for being in a relationship with a man who doesn’t meet your standards.
1. We’re Physically Compatible So We’re Meant To Be Together
Being physically compatible with somebody is a wonderful thing, but if your emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections are off, then even the best bed-buddy in the world won’t bring you happiness in your relationship. It can be hard walking away from someone who gets your fires going, but honestly, this one person isn’t the only one who’ll know how to hit your spot. If your physical relationship is the only thing keeping the bond between you, then it might be time to reassess the relationship. Sure he might make your toes curl in sweet ecstasy, but when you go out for dinner, do you have anything to talk about? Or, when you actually do start having a real conversation and things start getting a bit too real, does he try to diffuse the situation by getting back into your physical good graces? If it’s casual fun you’re after, then by all means you do you. But if it’s a meaningful and committed relationship you’re seeking, you’ll need more than just a good bed-buddy to keep you company.
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