There are some men who will always leave us low-key pining for them for months after they've walked out of our lives. Their smiles, the way they ran their fingers through their hair when they were frustrated, the way they smelled—it all just leaves us swooning and wishing for just a little more time. We know deep down that no matter what happened between us, they could show up on our doorstep unannounced at any time of the day or night and we'd welcome them back in with open arms...
And then there are the other kind of men we've all dated. The losers. The emotionally crippled d-bags, narcissists and assholes galore. Here's to you, dudes we'd never date again. You could come back around with a dozen roses, every apology in your books and a pack of serial killers in hot pursuit, we'd just lock our door, pour ourselves some wine and turn off the porch light.
This guy spent more time at the gym than he ever did in your bed, and even when the two of you were getting things on, you could've sworn you caught him checking himself out in the mirror more than once. Sure, he had a hot bod, but if you had to hear about macronutrients or leg day one more time, you were 100% ready to overdose on his creatine shakes. He might have been able to carry you under one arm, but he sure as hell couldn't carry a conversation unless it involved lifting, bitching about lifting, or his three favorite letters: G-Y-M.
This dude sure knew how to rock a pair of sweatpants, but he didn't exactly rock your relationship. Maybe the real problem was that the entire time you were with him, his heart belonged to another: his weight rack. If there was any rack he should have been paying attention to, it was yours. His loss!
This guy is all about work and money. The only thing the two of you will ever talk about is his day at work, the deals he's made or how much money he's making. On your first date, you will notice that he doesn't care about you or your job. He just likes to brag about his and that you'll see one day he is going to be a millionaire. With this type of guy it usually never happens. He likes to talk a big game but he never really crosses the finish line. While it's good that he is super into his job and making money, you do not want to end up with someone who does not know how to live outside of his work. Your job should not be what defines you, and as much as we all love money, it should not be the most important thing in your life. Hello, we all know that his number one priority should be you!
Whatever dreams you might have had about cute good morning/good night texts died in this dude's pocket with his perpetually zero-battery smart phone. This guy was impossible to get ahold of when you actually needed him, and casual texting? Forget about it. You bombarded him with cute messages, adorable selfies and even a risque Snapchat or two during your time together... and your shame is now memorialized by the way those messages are still, to this day, totally unopened on his phone.
This relationship fell apart for pretty obvious reasons. You pretty much had to show up unannounced at his place to so much as get a look at him! You're all for backing off the cell phone and enjoying the real world every once in a while, but this guy was so connection-averse that over the course of your relationship, you were beginning to wonder if he even owned a phone at all.
This guy "accidentally" cheated on you the same way anyone "accidentally" does anything. You played the scenario over in your head every way you could imagine, and the best you could ever come up with was, "Whoops! I slipped and fell onto that trashy Starbucks barista... totally nude... multiple times." Things fall apart with the average cheater the moment they get caught, but this guy had the audacity to apologize and ask for a second chance. He might have even come clean to you himself! But you've taken this guy back after he's "made a mistake" once before already... and you're not about to make that mistake again.
They say "once a cheater, always a cheater," and whether that's true or not is up for debate. But this dude made you realize that a breach of trust of that caliber isn't easily forgiven at all. You deserve a dude who doesn't cheat on you ever—"accident" or not.
At first, even you had to admit, it was almost cute. You had a blast teasing him about the way he wouldn't eat his vegetables—just like a little kid!—and his aversion to any spices other than salt or pepper was kind of quirky, in a way. But the more dates you went on with this guy, the more weirded out you got. Only ever ordering cheese pizza because he felt like pepperoni was too spicy got real boring, real fast, and if you had to watch him "cook" one more unseasoned chicken breast by nuking it in the microwave, you were pretty sure you were going to throw up in his Boring Bland Guy cookbook set.
The whole time you were together, you only seemed to crave the things that his weird picky eating habits meant were officially banned. Binge eating raw broccoli and Siriacha might have seemed like a weird reaction to a breakup to an outsider—but if they only knew, they would've been right there with you, shoveling it in too.
No one has ever called you a size queen, because like most girls, you just don't care. You know that it's not the size of the gun, it's what a man can do with it—but apparently, this dude never got that memo, because he was kind of obsessed. Talking a guy up about the size he's packing can be fun, sexy bedroom talk! Needing to do it, like, all the time? Eek. No thanks.
It's not just that you were expected to fluff this guy's self-esteem 24/7—it's that he was so obviously fixated on his size that his little friend was somehow dominating the entire relationship. You just wanted to scream at him, "No one cares that you're only six inches!" but you know that you would have had to spend an entire evening apologizing for forgetting that it was "technically, six and a half" (he measured).
Whether you were out at the theater or just kicking it at home, there was just something about being in a dark room with a movie playing that made you want to punch this guy in the face. Everybody likes a good Netflix and chill every once in a while, but this guy had a problem. There was nothing so sexy about Tom Hardy's pointing and grunting in the Mad Max reboot that warranted a wang in your hand. And during Rain Man? Really? This guy would move your hand to his crotch at the end of Titanic if he thought he had half a chance of getting some.
This was a dude who made you wonder if he'd ever actually seen an entire movie in his whole life. There was no way he was following any dialogue or plot. In fact, you wouldn't have been surprised to discover he was just imagining everyone on screen naked the entire time—which might actually explain why he was so weird about watching family videos with you, come to think.
It might have hurt a little to realize that you were this guy's last girlfriend before he came out of the closet and into his own sexuality—but as much as it was shocking, you were happy for him, really! It must have been really strange for him to realize that he was so disinterested in being romantically involved with women when he was with someone as drop dead bangin' as you, but it was probably for the best. You'll always miss the way you could mutually crush on Charlie Hunnam, but you'll never miss wondering if he was with you for your personality or access to your hot guy friends.
You're really not sure why he'd ever have any reason for wanting you back, but if he ever did, you'd only have one answer for him: "You're gay, dude!" Momma might've raised a woman who is totally accepting of the sexualities of others, but she didn't raise no beard.
He was cute, he was funny and he was smart, but none of that could change the fact that when you kissed him, you were never sure whether to offer him a breath mint or just covertly throw up in your mouth. How the hell could a dude this otherwise perfect be so blatantly neglectful of literally the most important aspect of his entire game? At first, you wondered if he'd maybe just been in a rush or lost his toothbrush, but as it turned out, he was just really averse to the entire concept of brushing his teeth.
You did everything you could to combat his stank breath—really, you did. You kept gum around. You casually left mouthwash at his place. You ranted and raved about how good it felt to floss. But no matter what you did, he didn't budge. The regular use toothbrush was one battleground with this guy that you were never going to win, and you're not going back to plugging your nose while you make out with a guy ever again.
In hindsight, this joke wasn't even really that funny the first time he said it, but by the seventeenth time, you were really starting to realize exactly how unfunny it was going to get. Getting into a fight with this guy and hearing, "Make me a sandwich," in response to literally any argument you might offer didn't just strike you as deeply rude; it was downright uncreative. Suddenly, the kitchen became a war front, because hell if you were ever actually making him a sandwich after that kind of nonsense.
It didn't take long to realize that this guy was a loser who pulled all of his comebacks off of Youtube comments sections. If you're going to argue with someone, it's nice when they at least make an effort! Instead of hearing you out or y'know, behaving like a normal human being, this guy was dismissive, immature and pretty much too sexist to function. Make your own sandwich, ya jerk.
He might have seemed delightfully boyish, to begin with, but as time went by it was obvious that you were dating a thirteen-year-old boy who just happened to be residing in a man's body. You've never seen a grown man lose it so hard over getting sniped in a Call of Duty match before, and going out for drinks with him was becoming awkward when he only ever ordered Mountain Dew. All of his t-shirts seemed to have "funny" sayings on them (even the "nice" ones!) and he had a lot more interest in how nice his sneakers were than arguably more important things, like taking out the trash or paying the electric bill.
You want a man in your life, not a manchild. If you were ready to take care of a kid right now, you wouldn't be on birth control. Some guys just never want to grow up, and you're not about to hang out in his mom's basement with him again while you wait for him to feel that call to the world of adulthood.
You might've enjoyed those pleasant little tidbits of knowledge he was always eager to offer up early on in the relationship, but it was weird when he started briefing you on things that you never asked for and, if we're being totally honest here, already knew. Seriously, did anyone miss the parallels between Nazis and Death Eaters in the Harry Potter movies? Because this dude assumed you did. Being with a smart guy is great, but being with one who makes himself feel more intelligent by treating you like you were dumb was a freaking nightmare.
Sure, you might've learned a lot of interesting knowledge when you were with him, but you learned a lot more about the fragility of his ego. The kind of person who has to treat others like inbred know-nothings just to make themselves feel better isn't the kind of person you see yourself going a second round with, no matter how smart they might act.
That whole Edward Cullen "watching you sleep" thing might've seemed attractive in the Twilight movies when you were a lovesick teenager but as an adult? Shit is creepy, yo. Constantly having to check in with him to update him on where you were at any given time was exhausting, not romantic, and the way he'd read through your texts and messages was slowly beginning to give you an ulcer.
Being a man's total obsession only sounds sexy in a weird ego-drive theoretical kind of way. In reality, he ended up making you feel like a burned secret agent on the run from their government. The way he kept tabs on you make you wonder if he thought you were his girlfriend or his child, and once you're out of that kind of nonsense, there's no turning back. You're not about to let that dude or any other guy smother you like that ever again, period.
Guys with a passion for sports are sexy—but there's a difference between being bummed about your team losing and throwing a full-on mantrum when they fumble the ball during overtime. Just like any passion, a love of sports can always be taken too far... and this guy was so inconsolable for the entire season you were seeing him that you were beginning to suggest that he start liking a different team (maybe one that, y'know, actually wins from time to time).
You love a man who can show emotion, but this guy was emoting about a bunch of overpaid dudes in helmets and pads throwing a ball back and forth. And while you'd happily console him over missing out on a promotion at work, the loss of a loved one or just a really rough day, having to be his shoulder to cry on when his March Madness bracket didn't work out like he planned? Yeah, no thank you. Pass.
Some of your ex-lovers, shitty as they might have been, could still find a way back into your heart with a little work. A carefully constructed apology here, a heartfelt confession there, a few swanky dinners just to really show you that they'd changed... meh, you'd consider it. But this dude... if he was the last man on earth, you'd go gay in an instant. If he was your last hope for children, you'd join a nunnery.
Sure, he was sweet. He was kind. He was funny and charming and had the most movie star smile you'd ever seen on a real person. In fact, from the mid-calve up, he was a total catch in every single way.
And from the mid-calve down, the only solution was pretty much amputation.
Why do dudes wear socks with sandals? Don't they, like, know? Who told them that this was right? Can they literally just like, not see their feet or something? Anything else, you could maybe find a way to forgive... but socks with sandals? Nope. Unforgivable. Even if he burned those suckers and bought some real shoes, you'd never be able to erase that picture from your mind—and God knows, you've tried.