Being someone’s ex-girlfriend is a very difficult and a very confusing thing, mostly because we’re all so afraid of being dubbed a “crazy ex-girlfriend.” Oh, the sheer horror of being referred to as a crazy ex-girlfriend, am I right?
WRONG, GIRL. Being someone's crazy ex-girlfriend is a wonderful, wonderful thing. First of all, some of the best fictional characters of all time are crazy ex-girlfriends. Gone Girl’s Amy Dunne and Fatal Attraction’s Alex Forrest are both very extreme examples of crazy ex-girlfriends. Murder and boiled bunnies aside though, Amy and Alex are also some of the most interesting, most entertaining fictional characters of all time. That’s because the crazy ex-girlfriend had some flavor to her. She’s not the type to easily be forgotten. She’s not the type to roll over and play dead. No way, baby. She’s a living Taylor Swift song. She's a neon light that you can't unplug.
The thing is “crazy ex-girlfriend” is a territory some of us fall into because we don't know how to deal with those bad feelings post-breakup. Do you call him 52 times? Do you wait outside his apartment? Do you log into his Facebook account and put him back in a relationship with you? Well, they are all valid options. But instead, let’s look to the most famous crazy ex-girlfriends of all time to see how they handled the situation. Let them be your spirit through the weird part of life.
From Princess Diana to Jennifer Aniston to Taylor Swift, below are some MAJOR lessons from the most famous crazy ex-girlfriends.
15 Princess Diana: Wear The Revenge Dress
Princess Diana is remembered for many, many things. The exquisite beauty is remembered for being the loving mother of Prince William (now Duke of Cambridge) and Prince Henry. She's also remembered for being a humanitarian and a fashion icon. In her short life, she did a lot. While we would talk to a long time about her good deeds involving AIDs awareness, cancer research, active landmines, and charities across the board, we’re going to talk about one of her most iconic fashion moments ever.
No, not the wedding dress. Though, I’ll definitely admit that Princess Diana’s wedding dress was an iconic moment. However, the only dress more important than a wedding dress is, of course, the revenge dress. Yes, the revenge dress. You know the deal, girl. You know you’re going to see your ex at a party, a wedding, or a bar, so you wear that one dress that stops the show. Princess Diana did just that. Her particular revenge dress was an off the shoulder Christina Stambolian black dress, which was envelop-pushing both for the time period and for her royal title.
Take a page from Princess Diana’s playbook: If you’re going to see him, make sure you are something to see.
14 Bella Hadid: Wear The Revenge Everything
Princess Diana’s revenge dress (as the media has literally dubbed it) was so very ‘90s. It’s 2017 and it’s all about the revenge... underwear? That's right, ladies. Revenge undies are a thing.
During the 2016 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, the Weeknd performed while Bella Hadid walked the runway. Since the duo had broken up beforehand, Bella was living every girl's dream. Bella looked the fiercest as she strutted down the runway in a grey lingerie set. The Weeknd and Bella Hadid shared a look that one could only interpret as:
Bella Hadid: I am the hottest girl on the planet and we’re not together anymore. It must suck to be you.
The Weeknd: OH. MY. GOD.
While none of us may be an actual princess or an actual Victoria’s Secret model, let the lesson be learned: Look your best when you run into your ex. Spend 8-hours getting ready. Trust me, it will pay off when you see the look on his face.
13 Taylor Swift: Make A Multi-Million Dollar Empire (Duh)
Taylor Swift may be a punchline from time to time. Yes, she feuds with a lot of celebrities. Yes, she has an annoying girl squad. Yes, she writes songs about all her ex-boyfriends. If you want to make fun of Taylor Swift, there’s a lot of material to use. However, you can’t really make fun of her career. The 27-year-old has amassed a huge fan base, several Grammy Awards, and world domination all before 30.
And, of course, Taylor Swift's impressive career is thanks to her ex-boyfriends. Seriously, Taylor Swift took sad feelings from her breakups and turned them into gold. So, do the same! Sure, you may not have the pipes of Taylor Swift, but there are plenty of ways to channel you’re heartbreak into a financial venture. Write a tell-all book about him. Post selfies and become an Instagram model. Workout like Jillian Michaels.
Whatever it may be, you can certainly find a way to channel your bad feelings into positive result. The best revenge is to thrive and let him see you thriving.
12 Jennifer Aniston: Play The Victim
It's the love triangle that will not ever end: Jennifer Aniston-Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie. Yes, ten years later this is still a thing. We all know their roles too. Angelina Jolie was the sultry temptress, who could have had any man but wanted married Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt was the weak husband, who was both a villain and a victim. Lastly, there was Jennifer Aniston, who would always be the victim in the story, no matter how you told it.
To be fair, it was the media that painted Jennifer Aniston as the victim in this situation. Jennifer Aniston never once said she had been wronged or pointed fingers directly at Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt. In fact, Jennifer Aniston is a living queen for handling this situation with such grace. However, you can still learn a crazy ex-girlfriend lesson from this situation.
All of America was "Team Jennifer" because she was seen as the victim in this situation. If you're trying to win the favor of mutual friends, appearing to be the victim of the breakup is a great way to do so. Hey, if you play the victim well enough, you may even win the favor of some people who are solely his friends. That's how powerful the hurt puppy dog act can be.
You do want to make sure you don’t live in Victim Land forever, because that's just lame. Get people on your side then drop the victim thing. That's what a true crazy ex-girlfriend would do.
11 Angelina Jolie: Make Sure Everything Is On Your Terms
From Brad Pitt’s first ex-wife to his second ex-wife: Angelina Jolie. Well, maybe ex-wife. There’s talks of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie reconciling. However, that doesn’t mean we should discount Angelina Jolie’s mastermind way of handling the divorce announcement.
It was said that Angelina Jolie knew tabloids would favor Brad Pitt in the divorce news. I mean, this is the guy who cheated on Jennifer Aniston and still remained American’s Favorite Hunk. Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie is also portrayed as a bit... different. She's exotic and marches to her own beat. So, Angelina waited to announce the divorce only once all the tabloid magazine had already sent their weekly issues to the printer. This was genius, as it allowed her to tell her side of the story before the magazines could paint Brad as a victim and Angelina as the bad guy.
On that note, Angelina Jolie also masterfully changed the narrative during the Jen-Brad-Angelina affair. As soon as speculation of the affair began, Angelina also started her globe trotting humanitarian work. This is not to say Angelina specifically started working with charities in order to rehab her "The Other Woman" image, but you also have to admit that Angelina is great at forcing her own narrative.
When you breakup with a guy, make sure it's your story that people hear. That's what Angie does.
10 Britney Spears: Publicly Kiss An Icon
Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are very mature, very adult women. That said, their crazy ex-girlfriend moves were generally those subtle, long-game moves. These moves were strategic and smart. With women like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, you don't even realize they are playing the game. That's how low-key they are.
However, us other lovely ladies aren't always the most mature in the face of a breakup. Sometimes, we may even want to do something incredibly immature and obvious after we've been dumped. If this is how you're feeling, take a play from Britney Spears and publicly make out with someone. Sure, it won't be as public as the MTV VMAs and your someone won’t be Madonna, but it’s still a solid move. If you want to remind him just what he’s missing, kissing someone else will do the trick. I mean, just look at ol’ Justin Timberlake’s face. That’s what your ex will look like when he sees you making out with someone.
Though, this isn't the most subtle move. If you go this route, be prepared for him to know you're doing this for revenge.
9 Princess Diana Part Two: Break All His Stuff With A Hammer
Ladies, did you know that Princess Diana is the patron saint of crazy ex-girlfriends? I'm serious. She may have been the slickest ex-girlfriend in the world because she 100% came out on top. Of course, Princess Diana's tactics may not always have been the subtlest, but they were certainly effective.
Legend has it that after the divorce from Prince Charles, Princess Diana took all of the priceless china she could find, shoved it into a heavy duty garbage bag, and took a hammer to it. Yes, Princess Diana turned the royal family’s heirlooms into dust. If that isn't the stuff of crazy ex-girlfriend legends, I don't know what is.
Getting revenge via material goods can be a cathartic exercise. "Accidentally" dropping his iPhone 8 in a glass of water may make you feel better than 1,000 Tinder dates. Though, it's certainly not recommend to break something you can’t afford to replace. For example, you don’t want to take a baseball bat to his Mercedes if you can’t afford the lawsuit that comes afterwards.
8 Miranda Kerr: Trade Way, Way Up
Being a crazy ex-girlfriend can be so much fun. I'm serious; there is something very fun about drunkenly texting him and maybe showing up at that bar you know he’ll be at. However, do you know what’s so much more fun? Getting over him and trading up. Like, SO UP.
In this crazy ex-girlfriend route, let Miranda Kerr be your spirit animal. The former Victoria's Secret model was married to Orlando Bloom. And sure, Orlando Bloom is a Hollywood hunk, but what has he really done lately? Not much!
After divorcing Orlando Bloom, Miranda Kerr went on to rebound with Evan Spiegel, who invented a little thing called Snapchat. SNAPCHAT, GUYS! Evan Spiegel’s worth an estimated $3.6 billion, making him the youngest self-made billionaire ever. Evan Spiegel is also super hot, y'know for a tech nerd, and he’s charitable. Oh, and he’s also inspired Miranda Kerr to pursue her organic skincare line. I'd say that's a win-win-win for Miranda Kerr.
Stop wasting your energy on a dead relationship. Take off that crazy ex-girlfriend hat and find yourself a billionaire who pushes you to create an organic skincare line.
7 Taylor Swift Part Two: Own The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Thing
The thing about being a “crazy ex-girlfriend” is that it’s only an insult if you let it be an insult. Like anything, what someone says about you or to you only has power if you let it. So, don’t let it.
In terms of owning the crazy ex-girlfriend title, Taylor Swift has certainly come into her own. Previously, much could be said about Taylor Swift's love list of ex-boyfriends and her lyrics about all of them. Taylor love life was, well, a joke. However, Taylor has recently decided to be part of the joke. In her “Blank Space” music video, Taylor Swift poked fun at her reputation of being a crazy ex-girlfriend/man-eater/cat lady. The music video features Taylor destroying her boyfriend’s card, dropping his phone in a pool, and violently stabbing a cake in bed. (That last one with the cake is a little confusing, but we’re pretty sure it falls into the "crazy ex-girlfriend" thing.)
Channel Taylor Swift. If you take ownership over being a crazy ex-girlfriend, you cannot be insulted by it. Be in on the joke.
6 Emma Stone: Be The One That Got Away
The most genius crazy ex-girlfriend move of all is to, simply, not act like a crazy ex-girlfriend. It can also be the craziest move or all. I mean, being able to swallow all those bad feelings and just smile? Yeah, that takes some craziness.
If you want to exit the relationship and act like the most perfect human ever, Emma Stone is your queen. Emma Stone fell for Andrew Garfield on the set of The Amazing Spider-Man, which was probably the best part about that movie ever being made. After the most adorable courtship, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield broke up. Throughout the breakup though, Emma Stone remained poised and classy. Stone never said a bad word about Garfield, which left Andrew Garfield seemingly more in love with her than ever.
Just how in love with Emma Stone is Andrew Garfield? When Emma Stone won her Golden Globe for La La Land, Andrew Garfield stood up and gave her a standing ovation. Also, in a post-breakup interview, Andrew Garfield was asked who he would be stranded on a desert island with. Garfield answered, “Emma Stone. I love Emma. She's all right. She can come.”
Long story short, Emma Stone is so good at being an ex-girlfriend that Andrew Garfield seems more in love with her than ever. And this is always the goal. If you can’t be the one he ends up with, be the one who got away.
5 Sophia Bush: Be So Professional That You Steal His Job
Despite all the articles explaining just how dicey workplace romances can be, many relationships still start in the workplace. I know, I know, but we can't help it! That cute guy makes the day go buy faster and you have so much in common.
Well, when you end a workplace romance, things can be… weird. So, how exactly do you get crazy ex-girlfriend revenge on a workplace ex? Be the most professional ever. Seriously, just be professional. In fact, forget you ever even dated. You're just co-workers.
If you're having trouble transitioning back into that co-worker state, think of Sophia Bush as your spirit animal. All One Tree Hill fans will remember Sophia Bush’s short-lived marriage to Chad Michael Murray, which ended when he allegedly cheated on her with Paris Hilton. Sophia Bush didn't let this affect her performance on the show. In fact, Bush was so professional that she outlasted Murray on the show. One Tree Hill basically became Sophia Bush’s show.
Just keep your head down and work hard, and maybe you’ll get that promotion over him. Trust me, that promotion is better than any revenge ever.
4 Gwyneth Paltrow: Know How To Low-Key Insult Him
Gwyneth Paltrow may be off-putting to us commoners. I mean, the Oscar-winning actress was born and raised in wealth. Gwyneth just looks like money. In fact, Gwyneth Paltrow has marketed GOOP, her lifestyle brand, based on the mere fact that her looks and lifestyle are #goals.
That said, Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t do crazy ex-girlfriend like us mortals. When Gwyneth’s ex-husband, Chris Martin, rebounded with THE Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth didn't react like us peasants. Gwyneth Paltrow kept her poise. When asked about Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence, Gwyneth reportedly said, “Hey, he could do worse.” Ladies, this is how you do a passive insult. It’s mean, but not too mean on the surface. If someone questioned Gwyneth about it, she could easily laugh it off. But it is definitely to be taken as an insult.
If you want to go the classy route, be like Gwyneth Paltrow and learn how to insult someone without really insulting them. It's truly an art form and Gwyneth is truly an artist.
3 Amber Heard: Have The Receipts Ready
The Amber Heard and Johnny Depp breakup is much too complicated to discuss in this short space. Here is a short rundown: In 2016, Heard and Depp's divorce was announced. It also revealed that Johnny Depp has been physically abusive during their marriage, which began a he-said-she-said war. Amber Heard was issued a restraining order against Johnny Depp, which didn’t bode well for Depp. However, Johnny Depp had both his ex-wives issue statements defending him. It was also implied that Amber Heard was a gold digger. At the end of the day though, Amber Heard had the receipts. Heard released photos of her bruised faced after one of Johnny Depp’s outbursts, which provided the solid evidence needed against Johnny Depp.
I would never consider Amber Heard, or any victim of domestic abuse for that matter, a crazy ex-girlfriend. However, it is a good lesson to always have receipts if you're going into a he-said-she-said war. Don't say something extreme about an ex that you can't actually prove. Also, if you’re in a relationship that is in any way abusive, you should save all evidence of said abuse, as it can be helpful in obtaining a restraining order, a divorce, or custody of your children.
2 Mel Gibson’s Ex-Wife: Walk Away With ALL. THE. MONEY.
We don’t all get to be Mel Gibson’s wife, so we don’t all get the opportunity to be Mel Gibson’s ex-wife. But we could still learn a lot from Mel Gibson’s ex-wife.
Robyn Moore was married to Mel Gibson for over 30 years. After spending three decades and raising seven children together, the pair split. Oh-so-luckily for Robyn Moore, the couple didn’t have a prenuptial agreement. (I KNOW, RIGHT?) Robyn Moore was entitled to half of everything Mel Gibson earned during their 30-year marriage. With Robyn Moore being awarded half of Mel Gibson’s $850 million estate as well as half of all future residual checks, this is considered the most costly divorce in Hollywood history.
The lesson here is, of course, Robyn Moore’s silence. Moore didn’t speak out about Mel Gibson in any negative way. Instead, she quietly divorced him and she quietly walked away… with half a billion dollars! When Mel Gibson’s new girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, accused Gibson of domestic abuse, Robyn Moore even wrote a sworn letter defending Gibson.
The point is, you can sometimes lure more bees with honey. Play nice and make that money, ladies.
1 Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes: Set His House On Fire, Literally
Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was a member of TLC, the '90s girl group who gave us the most perfect jam in the form of “No Scrubs.” Seriously, tell me you don't turn that song up every single time it comes on. Despite giving us all "No Scrubs," what Lopes may be most remembered for setting her ex-boyfriend’s house on fire. Yes, you read that correctly. She burnt someone's house the ground.
Lisa Lopes dated Atlanta Falcons football player, Andre Rison. Their relationship was obviously very volatile, as Rison had previously been arrested for physically abusing Lopes.
So, how did Lopes end up burning down Rison's house? Reportedly, Lopes was angry Rison had bought himself a bunch of new shoes and didn’t buy anything for her. Lopes then did what everyone should do in this situation. She put all his new shoes in the bathtub and lit them on fire. This fire spread, engulfing the entire house in flames.
I wouldn’t suggest anyone reading this actually lights their ex’s house on fire, but Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was truly not down with any scrubs.
Sources: Womanmagazine.com, Money.CNN.com, Washingtonpost.com, Theboombox.com, Variety.com, Gawker.com, People.com, Cosmopolitan.com
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