Every generation has a number of toys that seemed a little...we'll just say questionable.
Some toy manufacturers inadvertently create a toy that has some serious injury or choking hazards when played with in an unforeseen way. Honestly, who can predict what crazy means of playing with a toy that some imaginative kid can come up with?
Very similar unforeseeable circumstances can make a toy seem almost perverted in nature if put into the hands of an immature and dirty-minded twelve year old boy (we'll see later on what their minds can come up with!).
Sometimes a manufacturer creates a toy with nothing but in good intentions in mind, but when they're released on the general public, they may end up facing some serious backlash from angry parents.
Then of course there are the toys that we just don't understand what the manufacturer was thinking. Why would they make certain things in certain phallic shapes? Why would they place an air-tube over that part of the anatomy?
Finally, we have the toys that are just plain scary, or turn into hideous monsters over years of use. Monsters that we'd just prefer no longer sit in our bedrooms or on the top of the toy box.
Let's take a look at a number of toys that run the gamut through these various descriptions. These are the toys that have messed us up. Some have messed us up physically, some mentally, and some emotionally!
15 Teddy Ruxpin
[caption id="attachment_17829" align="alignnone" width="3000"] via: youtube.com[/caption]
Teddy Ruxpin was the best friend of a lot of children back in the 1980s. He was not only one of the first stuffed animals that read you a story straight from an accompanying book, but if you put in the authorized tapes, he could look around, blink, and his lips would move. This was a great toy for many an introverted and lonely child. Until one day...
Eventually Teddy's eyes might stop working and roll into the back of his head. Sometimes his mouth would get stuck in an open position, but his eyes would still move around. Other times, the bottom of the mouth might fall off all together. God forbid you experienced all of them. Once Teddy hit a certain age and entered into almost any stage of disrepair, he became one of the most frightening toys ever made. These changes weren't too scary at first...until you tried turning him on.
14 Mr. Bucket
[caption id="attachment_17830" align="alignnone" width="1280"] via: youtube.com[/caption]
We all remember this one. You have to wonder what Milton Bradley was thinking here when they came up with the toy. Now, a child could play with this and it was fine. A slightly older child would see this and explain to the younger children why "I'm Mr. Bucket. Balls pop out of my mouth! I'm Mr. Bucket. Balls are what I'm about!" is the greatest commercial jingle of all time. Then that slightly older child explains to the younger children what part of the male anatomy are called "balls". Then all the younger children are forever changed.
You would think that someone at Milton Bradley would have said, "Guys...do we really need to emphasize this bucket's love for balls? Is there something we could do that would be a little more subtle?"
13 E.T. Finger Light
[caption id="attachment_17831" align="alignnone" width="1200"] via: reddit.com[/caption]
We won't spend a lot of time on this one. It's pretty obvious as to exactly what is wrong with this thing.
Some of you may remember the movie E.T. and you can put this toy into some kind of context. In the film E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, an alien named E.T. has a magic finger. The tip lights up and it instantly heals things. It brings plants back to life, and closes up wounds almost instantly. Someone decided that some kids might want to re-enact this power. That was probably a safe bet.
Why just a finger? Why just a big fat, fleshy finger, with no fingernail? Why not a whole glove? It's very unlikely that any other children's toy on the planet looks more phallic than this one. It seriously looks like it belongs on the shelf at an adult bookstore.
12 The Original Mr. Potato Head
[caption id="attachment_17832" align="alignnone" width="1600"] via: chrisdortch.com[/caption]
I guess toys really hadn't come that far in 1949 when George Lerner first developed Mr. Potato Head for Hasbro. Originally, you would use an actual potato (or any fruit or vegetable) and plug various pieces into it that gave the fruit or vegetable a body and face. The pieces in those days helped create one of the most frightening little characters of all time. Just look at that thing! Can you imagine coming into your child's room back then and seeing one of those things rotting on a shelf!?
It's a good thing that the toy was eventually made from plastic instead of actual food. The more kid-friendly and cartoon-y makeover helps a lot too. Can you imagine seeing that guy in Toy Story looking the way he did in 1952?
11 Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids
[caption id="attachment_17833" align="alignnone" width="1016"] via: cherylsdolls.com[/caption]
Cabbage Patch Kids kind of have a creepy look to them anyway if you're the kind of person that is scared of dolls (thanks, horror movies of the 1980s!). For the most part, most people seem to love these little dolls from Mattel that have seemed to have stood the test of time. However, I think we can all agree that if one of these dolls tried to swallow your head and eat you alive, we wouldn't think they're so cute. Unfortunately, Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kids, did just that. They tried to swallow your head and eat you alive.
The gimmick of these dolls was they appeared to eat little toy snacks they came packaged with. This was achieved by a set of rollers in the dolls mouth that pulled things right in. Sadly, this was often times fingers and hair.
The toys were eventually recalled by Mattel.
10 I Heart Guts Toy Uterus
[caption id="attachment_17834" align="alignnone" width="1024"] via: iheartguts.com[/caption]
Now these toys aren't necessarily made for small children, but they can obviously be used to teach your children about anatomy. The problem here isn't the uterus. The problem here is what children were doing with the ovaries on the original model.
In the original model, the ovaries could be pulled off. They were small enough that children started putting them in their mouth and choked on them. Apparently it happened enough that the company, I Heart Guts, recalled the toys and made modifications to its design.
Those poor kids...they were only trying to learn!
9 Baby's First Baby
[caption id="attachment_17835" align="alignnone" width="1536"] via: huffingtonpost.com[/caption]
This one is a serious head-scratcher. Why would anyone do this!? Why would anyone unleash this on a poor child? Perhaps you're trying to teach your children about the miracle of birth, but this freak of the natural world isn't going to do it. There are just so many questions!
Why is this baby pregnant?
How was a baby fertile?
WHO DID THIS TO THE FREAKING BABY!? SERIOUSLY! WHO IMPREGNATED A BABY!
The amount of mental gymnastics someone had to go through to validate making this toy and to convince a board that this was a great idea is staggering!
8 Jolly Chimp
[caption id="attachment_17836" align="alignnone" width="820"] via: museumofplay.org[/caption]
Jolly Chimp. The star of many a nightmare. Anyone reading this list probably knew we'd get to this ghastly and horrific little ape. This little guy has probably appeared in more horror movies than prominently displayed on a child's shelf as a favorite toy.
Many toy companies have made "cymbal banging monkeys" in the years since the original manufacturer came out with Jolly Chimp, and yet no one has seemed to make a version that doesn't look like it's about to come alive and eat your nose off your face.
The toy has been featured in a number of films and shows, usually as a means of setting an unsettling or scary atmosphere. Most recently, the toy was seen in the video game Fallout 4 being used as an alarm system.
7 The Wolverine Inflatable Hammer
[caption id="attachment_17837" align="alignnone" width="2592"] via: usmessageboard.com[/caption]
This is one of those things where someone on the manufacturing end had to have done this on purpose. Can you imagine a grown adult not having any idea why this could possibly be an issue? There are two things that are going to happen when you pull this inflatable hammer out of the box:
- A parent watches in horror as their child fellates Wolverine.
- A child doesn't understand what they're seeing as their parent fellates their favorite superhero.
Many people thought this toy was initially a hoax since some websites used over-blown headlines calling the toy a "Wolverine blow-up doll". While a Wolverine blow-doll isn't quite the case, this inflatable toy with an unfortunately placed air tube is definitely real.
6 Face Bank
[caption id="attachment_17838" align="alignnone" width="1280"] via: youtube.com[/caption]
If the Jolly Chimp toy looks like it might eat the nose from your face, then the Face Bank looks like it might eat your entire face and only leave the nose. Maybe he's angry because he's just a face without a real nose?
This unsettling face eats your money and stores it inside his head. What kind of a creature eats money!? Why would a creature without a stomach have to eat!? Why is it staring into my soul!?
Fortunately, the Face Bank learned from the mistakes of the Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kid and doesn't devour a child's fingers or hair.
5 Growing Up Skipper Doll
[caption id="attachment_17840" align="alignnone" width="1024"] photopoint.com/ua[/caption]
This doll is actually a pretty cool idea in theory. The only problem is, it was released before a time where it couldn't be made without coming off as so darned weird. Skipper doesn't really grow up, so much as her torso extends like Elastigirl from The Incredibles. This part is rather creepy looking on its own. Pulling on her torso to make her grow also comes with an added effect - Skipper grows breasts right before our very eyes!
Now, growing breasts isn't a big deal, nor is it creepy - it's the way the toy achieves this that is a bit unsettling. Skipper's torso is made of this strange fleshy material. When she's younger and doesn't have her breasts, she just has this kid of weird, fleshy, chest and stomach that can be pushed in and all the little parts can be felt underneath. It's a very strange thing to feel on a doll.
4 The Pregnant Barbie/Midge Doll
[caption id="attachment_17839" align="alignnone" width="1252"] via: twitter.com[/caption]
This one isn't nearly as bad as Baby's First Baby. At least the individual having the baby is at an age where they can actually have a baby. More importantly, the individual is at an age where it can do the things that necessary to have a baby.
This Barbie wasn't too bad. Her friend Midge was released as an expectant mother as well. The only problem is, the execution of these dolls never quite works. As you can see, you essentially rip the stomach off to find a strange, twisted up, baby toy stuffed into the stomach. While this is better than the idea of a doll that you squeeze to actually push a baby out of the birth canal, it's still a little jarring to see.
These dolls have been rather controversial in the past and some stores even pulled them from the shelves, rather than get involved in the controversy. Many parents saw the dolls as promoting teen pregnancy, even though the dolls were seemingly adult and in committed relationships.
3 Balzac
[caption id="attachment_17841" align="alignnone" width="1200"] via: vtv.wink.ws[/caption]
This toy was meant to serve as an outer skin for a balloon, protecting it from popping, and essentially turning it into a ball. The balloon sack had a string attached that allowed you to punch the balloon back and forth, much like those higher-end balloons that had large rubber bands on the tip.
Unfortunately, if you remember the toy, no one ever actually referred to it as Balzac. Everyone referred to it as "Ball Sack" and then immediately went into fits of laughter, as if they had just told the greatest joke in the entire history of comedy. It didn't help that the commercial featured two people dressed as giant balls, bobbing up and down next to each other.
The toy itself didn't mess us up, but there was that one kid on the playground that made sure it did.
2 The Punisher Shape Shifter
[caption id="attachment_17842" align="alignnone" width="1024"] via: flickr.com[/caption]
The Marvel Shape Shifters line of action figures was pretty cool. It essentially combined the Transformers with your favorite Marvel superheroes. What little boy wouldn't want a Spider-Man toy that could turn into an actual mutated spider? Or a Sabretooth figure that turned into an actual sabretooth tiger? Or an Incredible Hulk that turned into a freaking dinosaur!?
The Punisher Shape Shifter toy wasn't as fun as the figures mentioned above...unless you knew a certain little secret about leaving the toy in a stage of the transformation process that was never intended by the manufacturer.
The Punisher figure turned into a gun, and it was possible to fully transform the Punisher while leaving the barrel of the gun exposed. This made it look like Frank Castle had a massive, weaponized willy.
If you knew any child that had this toy in the past, it was almost always left in the toy box or sitting on a shelf in this very stage of transformation.
1 Baby Wee Wee (Must be seen to be believed!)
This toy needs to be seen to be believed. We'll leave this video here instead of an image. Mainly because an appropriate image that shows the full scope of this doll couldn't be found. In fact, many probably won't believe this toy from the UK is even real but it is, in fact, very real.
The problem with Baby Wee Wee is he isn't really a baby. He's more of a toddler. This isn't the type of doll that wets a diaper and the child changes it. It's not even a "potty training doll" that sits on a miniature child's potty. This doll takes a few steps, drops its pants, whips out its willy, and starts peeing on the floor. Right there. On the floor. In front of everyone.
One of the strangest things about this doll is the fact that it's male, while the commercial seems to suggest that the doll was most definitely marketed towards little girls. Who was sitting in a room, ready to pitch this toy, and said, "our research shows that little girls really want to watch little boys pee. For this reason, we unveil to you, BABY WEE WEE!"
