15 Celebs Who Are Most Probably Secretly Witches

in Showbiz
15 Celebs Who Are Most Probably Secretly Witches

Sometimes, I look at a few certain celebrities and I think, ‘There is absolutely no way she is human.’ I mean that in a completely flattering way, as it just seems like some female celebrities are so otherworldly I cannot even imagine they are human… y’know human just like me. For example, Blake Lively. YES, Blake Lively. Her legs, her hair, her smile, her tan – there is no way she is a woman and I am a woman. Of course, the stylists, trainers, and makeup artists can account for her otherworldliness. That part is true. But also, what if she’s literally otherworldly? Like, is Blake Lively a witch?

I know you may be thinking that witches aren’t real, but who are we to say what’s real or not? If Donald Trump can be president of the United States, literally anything can be real, even witches. And it’s not just Blake Lively’s legs that make me consider witchcraft. There are a ton of celebrities who may be witches for their beauty, their success, or their overall vibe. Below there are 15 celebrities who really, really make us wonder if witches are real. That’s right, 15 celebrities who are total low-key witches, because Hollywood is a weird place.

Also, can we be in Beyoncé’s coven? Please, please, please?!

Goodreads

15. Lana Del Rey: You Can Hear The Supernatural In Her Voice

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Lana Del Rey may be the witchiest looking singer ever. Literally everything about her look gives you seductress witch vibes. She’s not even trying to hide the fact that she’s a witch.

Also, this is how I imagine Witch Lana: She goes to smoky bars, where she talks to men in a low voice about some little-known French band from the ‘60s that is awesome and that they have to listen to and that they will totally love. Then, the unsuspecting man leaves with Lana and is never seen again, because she scarified for a spell or whatever it is that witches do. I know it may sound far-fetched, but you can’t tell me you can’t envision Lana Del Rey in front of a caldron. Plus, half her songs already sound like spells with her soulful throaty voice and dark lyrics.

Also, Lana Del Rey has pretty much admitted she’s a witch. YEP. There was a rumor she had cast a spell on Donald Trump. When asked about said rumor, Lana Del Rey replied, “Yeah, I did it. Why not? Look, I do a lot of sh*t.”

There you have it.

14. Kristen Stewart: No One Has Ever Looked More Like A Witch

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If anyone has ever looked the part of a witch, it’s Kristen Stewart. Girlfriend has been rocking all black everything for a long, long, long time. Despite looking the part, Kristen Stewart has never actually played a witch, though she’ll have to at one point, right? I feel like most actresses end up in a fun, witchy role. However, Stewart did play a woman who becomes a vampire in the Twilight series. Close enough, right?

Another reason Kristen Steward just has to be a witch is that she is simply too successful at such a young age. I mean, supernatural powers have to somehow be involved in her success, right? Because she’s only 27 years old and has already starred in both major blockbusters and critically acclaimed Oscar-winning films. Oh, and she mas millions of dollars.

Let’s just all pretend Kristen Stewart’s a witch, so it’ll help us not feel so sad about our level of success in comparison.

13. Blake Lively: Um, She’s Way Too Perfect

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To say Blake Lively is a witch is confusing because she literally looks like a walking ray of sunshine. Everything about her is bright, beautiful, and perfect. But too perfect. Like, WAY too perfect. It’s not human for Blake Lively to have mermaid hair, supermodel legs, the smile of a Disney princess and, you know, everything else that is perfect about her. There’s also her seemingly perfect life with Ryan Reynolds and their two perfect daughters.

The thing that is most curious may be Blake Lively’s ability to sidestep all major career mistakes, like that time she had nude photos leak. There are a ton of celebrities who have never been able to shed their leaks from their image, like Kim Kardashian for example. However, Blake Lively’s nudes are pretty much forgotten about. There was also her failed lifestyle blog, which, again, we’ve pretty much forgotten.

So yeah, Blake Lively’s absolute perfection must be the work of witchcraft. I cannot come to a conclusion other than that. If you need proof of her being a witch, just look at her 100-feet, always-tanned legs. Those are not human.

12. Nicole Kidman: Played Multiple Witches

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If you play a witch once, that’s normal. Many actresses will play a witch once during their career. But Nicole Kidman has played a witch twice and then countless witchy characters.

Nicole Kidman first played a witch in 1998’s Practical Magic, alongside Sandra Bullock playing her witchy sister. It’s like the best movie ever, by the way. In 2005, Nicole Kidman played the most famous witch ever in Bewitched. That’s two witch roles, which isn’t so bad. But then, there were countless movies in which Nicole Kidman’s character seemed to be a low-key witch, like Moulin Rouge! There were totally witchy vibes in that film, even if it was a romantic musical. There was also her turn as a ghost who didn’t know she was a ghost in The Others. Then, her performance as Virginia Woolf in The Hours. Um, if any writer was a witch, it was Virginia Woolf.

Oh, and there’s also Eyes Wide Shut, and Stoker, and even this year’s The Beguiled. Basically, it always feels like Nicole Kidman is playing a witch, so maybe it’s just that she’s an actual witch?

11. Jennifer Lopez: Hasn’t Aged In 30 Years

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Jennifer Lopez is either a witch or she’s found that anti-aging necklace that Melisandre wears in Game of Thrones. Whatever the case, Jennifer Lopez has not aged in 30 years. And I truly do mean 30 years. She’s currently 48 years old, which, yes, she looks THAT good at 48. If you look up photos of Jennifer Lopez during her time on In Living Color (1991 – 1993), her face looks exactly the same. Sure, Lopez may have much better hair now, but we can’t really fault her with the trends of the ‘90s.

Of course, there may be practical reasons why Jennifer Lopez is hotter than every woman ever, like the fact that she works out pretty much every day. She also doesn’t drink coffee or alcohol, two things that can damage and age your skin. Even if these are some actual reasons as to why Jennifer Lopez hasn’t aged in 30 years, I still think there must be some magic behind it. She looks too good for it to just be aging gracefully.

10. Beyoncé: Girlfriend Is The Queen Of The Witches

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We all know that Beyoncé is an actual perfect human being. Like, an actual perfect human being. There is pretty much nothing she can do wrong, especially to the Beyhive, as her fans have so lovingly dubbed themselves. This perfection has made many people question if she’s in the Illuminati, which I guess is a fair question, being that she’s so damn flawless. Beyoncé has dismissed these rumors, but what is she’s a witch? Sure, maybe she’s not in the Illuminati, but she could still totally be a witch, right?

This may explain how Beyoncé became Beyoncé. I mean, at just 35 years old, Beyoncé’s had insane commercial and critical success. She’s has a strong marriage to Jay-Z. Oh and by the way, they have a combined net worth of over $1 billion. And she has three perfect children. If there was witch craft behind Beyoncé’s success in literally every aspect of her life, I wouldn’t be surprised. In a world in which women are told they can’t have “it all,” Beyoncé having it all at such huge levels feels supernatural.

9. Megan Fox: The Hot Witch Enchantress

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In the world of witches, I would like to think Megan Fox is used as bait. When the witch tribe, lead by Beyoncé obviously, needs to sacrifice a man for their powers or whatever, they send Megan Fox out into the world.

Megan Fox is like a siren, who, according to Greek mythology, would lure sailors from their boats with beautiful singing. Except, Megan Fox doesn’t have to sing. She would just stand there and enchant men. Next thing the guy would know, he’d be sacrificed to the gods so Beyoncé could have another set of twins and Jennifer Lopez could have another year of no aging.

I’m just saying that Megan Fox looks like the hottest witch who has ever lived. Plus, this may explain her rise in Hollywood, despite her sub par acting chops. No offense, Megan. Please don’t sacrifice me.

8. Audrey Hepburn: The Woman Who Made Dressing In Black Cool

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I know Audrey Hepburn is the epitome of grace, class and sophistication, but she also may have been one of the original Hollywood witches.

Much like Beyoncé, Audrey Hepburn had one of those careers that kind of shouldn’t happen. It was, like, too perfect. Audrey Hepburn won an Oscar for pretty much her first Hollywood film, Roman Holiday. From there, she starred in Hollywood classic (Sabrina) after Hollywood classic (Breakfast at Tiffany’s). There’s also the fact that Audrey Hepburn was also the skinniest, chicest, most beautiful woman in the room until the day she died. I seriously, look up some older pictures of Audrey Hepburn. She aged like a champ.

The major proof of Audrey Hepburn being a witch comes from her love of black clothing. Audrey Hepburn wore black during a time in which most actresses were dresses in pastels and other lady-like colors. Audrey Hepburn is even credited with making the little black dress a thing. And y’know, witches wear black.

7. Gwyneth Paltrow: GOOP Founder Will Try Anything Once

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I’m not saying Gwyneth Paltrow is a full-fledged witch, but I do think Gwyneth would be willing to try anything once.

After launching GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle blog, us commoners have been given a look into the weird things Gwyneth will do to stay young, fresh, and beautiful. And, let me tell you, she will try anything once. Gwyneth has, of course, done juice cleanses and detoxes, but that’s just child’s play. She’s also steamed her vagina, which… yeah. She also promotes Moon Dust, whatever that is. Dust from the moon?

Long story short, there is nothing Gwyneth won’t try once, except if it has chemicals or toxins in it. So I could totally see her embracing some wiccan to rid her body of that nasty McDonald’s she shame-ate in the car. You can read about it on GOOP, obviously.

6. Any Actress Named Emma: They’re All Witches

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There are a lot of popular, young actresses named Emma right now. It must have been a popular name in the late 80s/early 90s. The thing about all these actresses named Emma is that they all, every single one of them, seems like a witch.

Let’s take Emma Roberts, who played the sassiest witch ever in American Horror Story: Coven. On Scream Queens, she may have been playing the HBIC of a sorority, but there was some witchy vibes there too. Overall, if you look at her filmography, Emma Roberts is drawn to darker material, so maybe because of the dark magic she practices…?

Emma Watson played a witch in perhaps the most successful witch series ever, Happy Potter. So, there’s that. Enough proof for me.

Emma Stone has been in THREE movies with Ryan Gosling. Guys, she’s gotten to kiss Ryan Gosling while filming three separate movies. That’s clearly the #1 thing any and all of us would use our witchcraft for. You’ve been found out, Emma Stone.

5. Jessica Chastain: Fear The Day She Uses Her Powers For Evil

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Jessica Chastain is definitely a good witch. In fact, she may be the world’s mos powerful good witch, so we should all fear the day in which she uses her powers for evil. But Jessica Chastain would never do such a thing.

What makes Jessica Chastain a witch? Well, just look at her. She has the face some someone who knows something no one else knows. She’s clearly up to something at all times, but don’t worry because it’s something good.

Being that Jessica Chastain has been very vocal about the sexism in Hollywood, I like to think she goes home and does a spell for women’s equality every night. I do think her acting chops are all her. No magic needed there, but she’s definitely doing some good magical work for all us women behind closed doors.

4. Kirsten Dunst: Has Successful Worked In Hollywood For 30 Years

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Kirsten Dunst is 35 years old and has been successful in Hollywood for 30 years now. That is absolutely insane, especially because she’s low-key stuck around. She never had a Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears style meltdown, though no shame to them. Meltdowns are simply what happens when a young girl is put in the public eye to that degree. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy and I honestly feel for both LihLo and Brit.

That said, Kirsten Dunst’s career has spanned playing the child star in films like Interview with the Vampire and Jumanji, to risky teen roles like The Virgin Suicides and Drop Dead Gorgeous, to blockbusters with the early Spider-Man franchise. Recently, she’s been even more daring with her roles, in dealing with the the end of the world in Melancholia and a Midwestern accent in FX’s Fargo. I’m serious about that, those Midwestern accents can be tricky.

Besides all her success, there’s something witchy about Kirsten Dunst. Maybe it’s that she doesn’t play by Hollywood’s rules or maybe it’s that she’s a witch. Who am I to say?

3. Angelina Jolie: I Mean, Duh

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DUH. If you honestly though you were going to read an article about celebrity witches and not see Angelina Jolie’s name on the list, you’re crazy. She’s the most obvious witch of them all. And I mean that in a good way, Angie. Please, don’t curse me.

Angelina Jolie certainly looks the part of a witch. The full lips, the cat-like eyes, the come-hither look? Yeah, that’s got witch written all over it. What other proof do we have that Angelina is a witch? Um, there was that time she wore a necklace with a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood. I don’t know what ritual she was doing, but it was a ritual for sure. I honestly cannot think of another reason you’d walk around with a vial of blood. There was also the time she played a witch in 2014’s Maleficent.

Here’s the real question: Is Angelina Jolie a good witch or a bad witch? I think both. Considering the humanitarian work she does, it’s obvious she’s all about spreading goodness in the world. But if you cross her, you may just turn into a frog.

2. The Whole Taylor Swift Squad: They Definitely Do Group Spells

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Taylor Swift’s squad is 100% a coven. Here are the members of said cover: Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Karlie Kloss, Gigi Hadid, Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, Ruby Rose, Lena Dunham, Cara Delevingne, Matha Hunt, Hailee Steinfeld, and Ed Sheeran. There’s a few others that come and go too.

Why is this group so obviously a coven? Um, look at them! It’s a group of beautiful, thin, rich, successful women… and Ed Sheeran. Ryan Reynolds gets a free pass from my mocking him because he’s Blake Lively’s husband. Also, I already listed Blake Lively as a possible witch and it just so happens she’s besties with Taylor Swift? Um, yeah. Total witches.

You’re telling me this squad (I mean coven) doesn’t have adorable sleepovers and sacrifice sheep to the gods or something? I mean, there’s totally baking and braiding each other’s hair too, but there’s also some sacrifices and spells. Though, I’m assuming the head witch (Taylor, obvious) has mandated that all spells be cast against Kanye West and Kim Kardashian until future notice. You just know Taylor Swift would use her magic to take down her celebrity enemies.

1. Kris Jenner: Do I Really Have To Explain This One?

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Kris Jenner seems like maybe the most obvious witches of all. Though, I don’t know if she’s a witch she made a deal with the devil. Either way, there’s something supernatural going on here.

This is not to say the Kardashian/Jenner family isn’t full of hardworking, intelligent women. I do not underestimate them in that regard, though being hardworking and intelligence is often times not enough. There’s also the fact that nothing – NOTHING! – has been able to bring this family down. Not the sex tape scandal, not the lip injections scandal, not the Caitlyn scandal, not any scandal managed to knock this family their rise to the top. And they do just keep rising.

Do I think Kris has her daughters practice witchcraft? Um, I think they all ignore Kris, except for Kim and Kylie. I could definitely see both Kim and Kylie taking Kris’ witchcraft advice, which would totally explain their huge success in their side projects.

Sources: Vanityfair.com

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