When you are trying to make a good first impression, you probably put a lot of effort into what you wear and how you look. Maybe you pick out an outfit days in advance or get a new do. Sadly, it can all be in vain if your attitude and your personality are repelling people.
For example, I was in a restaurant and I noticed a man who is a Charlie Hunnam/Brad Pitt mix in the best possible way. For a quick second, I think his date hit the jackpot. Then I saw how he treated the wait staff and how he spoke to his date. By end of dinner, this pacifist wanted to slash his tires and smash his headlights. I went from fantasizing to violence in one dinner and I wasn’t even his date. We notice this all the time. Personality and character can make a model look like the wicked witch.
The truth is we can all fall into behaviors that make us really unattractive regardless of picture perfect exterior. So in case anyone is afraid to tell you, I’ve created a checklist of behaviors bound to lower your attractive rating to friends and partner prospects. Clean up your act so your outside glow isn't dimmed by poor behavior.
14 You don't believe you're attractive.
If you don’t think you’re beautiful, you show it more than you might know. Avoiding eye contact, hunching your shoulders and mumbling are all signs that you’re not confident about who you are. The only people who find this attractive are people who want to take advantage of it.
If you can’t find what’s attractive about yourself, you need to start there. Everyone has beauty about them. Ask people you trust and love what they love about you and what strengths they see. Once you know why you’re so awesome, you’ll have more confidence and moxie. You’ll walk taller and people will want to be intrigued to learn more about you.
13 Gossiping Gal
You may think you are doing favors by informing your group about what’s going on in other people’s lives, but you aren’t. In fact, you’re actually killing trust. No one wants to confide in someone who will spread their dark secrets to the world. It even makes the listener feel bad for the one being talked about and it feels icky. Who wants to have icky conversations?
We’re women now. It’s time to let the high school gossip go. Talk about great things that are going on for yourself or people you know, but leave the trash talking at home. When you lead with negativity, it creates a tense atmosphere.
12 You make yourself the joke.
I confess, I am a recovering self-criticism addict. Maybe you know one too? My negative talk showed up by calling myself names and making really funny jokes at my own expense. I would tell myself I was just being humble and modest when really it was justification to abuse myself. It didn’t entertain anyone else either. It brought the same icky feeling as if I was talking badly about someone else.
At some point the negative self-talk and jokes wear on us and our audience. We reinforce the negative message internally and it blocks us from growing. Not to mention it’s also confusing to those around us. Are we supposed to feel bad, laugh or say you’re wrong? It makes for an awkward situation whether people are laughing with you or not.
11 It’s all about you
Just about everyone likes to share their stories and talk about who they are. Yet, it is boring to have your date spend the entire night speaking a monologue about themselves. Sometimes we talk way too much. Whether we hate silence or the other person isn’t talking much, talking about ourselves can leave a self-absorbed, conceited impression.
One great way to turn up the conversation if you feel you are doing all the talking is to end whatever you are saying with a question. If you were talking about a vacation, ask about their vacations. It’s simple and will hopefully get the conversation flowing both ways.
10 Name-dropping Phenom
There's few things tackier than someone who is constantly dropping names like anyone cares. Sure a few people will come up in conversation, but no one really cares about every big-name client or gig you get.
Rest your confidence on your own laurels not who you know and what they think of you. If you feel like you need to drop names so recognize who you know or to puff your feathers, you need to stop. No one is listening.
Show people who you are. Talk about your strengths or common interests. Make a name for yourself that other suckers will want to name-drop.
9 Pretending to be like everyone else when you’re a swan
When we try to be someone we’re not or hide our unique assets, we actually dim our beauty.
It reminds me of high school. We all had our separate groups and you could tell because everyone from each group dressed and talked pretty similar. Back then it was ok because we were young and we didn’t know who we really were. We’re grown now so it’s time to figure out who we are, what our strengths are and use those to our best ability.
When we show our unique assets, we show up as fully and authentically ourself and nothing is more attractive than that.
8 Belittling those who serve you
Talking down to anyone is unattractive. For me, it’s even worse when someone chooses certain people to talk down to, like wait staff. When you talk down to everyone, at least it’s obvious it’s just who you are (still unattractive, but at least authentic). However, when you decide to treat the owner like a best friend but treat the staff like servants, your trust level plummets.
Imagine a woman belittling a waitress. Is she the type of person you’d want to walk up to and talk to? Not exactly. Even if the staff isn’t winning any awards for service of the year, be gracious and compassionate. Handling situations graciously is a very sexy quality.
7 Everything’s up for debate
Debating ideas is fun and it’s how we move forward as a community. If you are with some pretty relaxed people, even religion and politics can be open for discussion. It’s important to share ideas and our point-of-views, however, not everything needs to be a debate.
Talking to someone who needs to have a debate about everything is exhausting. It’s like having a conversation with an angry five year old. No matter what you say there’s always resistance. Most people don’t want that in their lives.
Learn to choose your debates. Be passionate about your ideas, because passion is mesmerizing. Just keep some balance because being overbearing and constantly argumentative is not.
6 One-upping the conversation
Just like debating, this quality can go overboard in seconds. We all know the type. If you mention disease, they have it worse. If you ran 5 miles, they ran more. You went on a great vacation? Theirs was better. Ugh.
It’s difficult to have a conversation with someone like this for two reasons. First, you feel like everything you have to say is just setting them up for another story so they aren’t really listening to you. Secondly, you quickly lose trust (and interest) in what they’re saying.
Being a one-upper is a power game and often others don’t want to play. Learn to be authentic and let people have their stories without puffing yourself up with bigger and better stories.
5 You put your nose in people’s personal lives uninvited
Inserting yourself into other people’s personal lives is a huge no-no. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, trust is a fundamental factor to increasing or decreasing your attractive rating. When you insist on being in others’ business uninvited, your trust level will plummet.
I know that you believe you are helping. Maybe you want to help fix the situation or want to offer advice. We all want to help, but here’s my advice: never offer advice if no one is asking for it. Respecting people’s privacy and their ability to fix themselves are very trustworthy and gracious qualities which will boost your overall attractive rating.
4 You’re jealous
Jealousy is defined as resentment against a person experiencing success. So basically, you’re a hater. This can be about a girl you think wants your man or a woman who seems to have gotten further than you. Either way, it isn’t pretty to watch.
It’s tricky to catch ourselves too because we never say, “I'm jealous.” It appears as a side comment like, “If I had her opportunities I would have done more” or “How many pairs of shoes does she need?”
Grow up. Go find your own successes to talk about. Get to know those you are jealous of and learn how they got what you want. Then go do it and talk about that.
3 You focus on blame, not resolution
When we look for blame in a situation, we’re discharging our responsibility and we aren’t looking for resolutions. We are simply finding whose fault it was. While there may be important lessons there, it’s not helpful to point out others mistakes, nor does it fix the problem.
But you know what is sexy? Leadership. Leadership is focusing on how you can work together to move the situation forward. It’s taking responsibility in the present moment instead of pointing out the mistakes of others. Otherwise, you’re just playing the powerless victim. Take back your power, step up as a leader and move past the challenges. An empowered woman is magnetizing.
2 You’re unappreciative and entitled
We all love to hear praise and feel appreciated. It’s one of the reasons we love to connect to people.
People who express gratitude regularly not only show up as compassionate and trusting, but also do themselves a huge favor. When you practice gratitude every day and show appreciation for people in your life, your view of your life actually improves. When you practice it in a relationship, your relationship improves.
So instead of complaining about your life or the service you received, try being grateful. It has so much more going for it over complaining, especially if you want to attract people.
1 You don’t connect with people, only information
Although we’ve been told that it’s a man’s world and productivity is vital, we can also become the tyrannical queen if we forget to create a real connection when exchanging information. Hearing other ideas (even if you judge their ideas stupid), conveying compassion and asking for their thoughts are sure-fire ways to win friends and fans.
The next time you want to give a short answer, take a breath and remember to connect with the other person. Give them eye contact and even a smile. You get a bonus if you ask them how they are or about the vacation they were just on.
It requires us to stop for a moment and remember to connect with people where they are, but building a deep connection and trust is worth the effort. People will find you more compassionate and trusting.