In this day and age, almost anyone can be an inventor. If you have a unique idea you are able to patent it, produce it, sell it, and potentially make millions. With the right marketing team, the most ridiculous contraption can sell like hot cakes. Society loves crazy ideas, so much so, that there are multiple shows on television that showcase up and coming inventors; we root for the underdog and encourage them to come up with ways to make our already easy lives easier. Snuggie? Of course, because putting a blanket over my shoulders is just too complicated. ShamWow? Absolutely, normal towels are for suckers with time to waste. Where would we be without these things? Oh yeah, in exactly the same place.
If you are suffering from invention withdrawal, fear no more, because here is a fresh batch that you didn’t know you needed.
13 Pizza Ordering Magnet
This tiny battery operated magnet is actually Bluetooth equipped and pairs with your phone. Is there anything we cannot do? Why waste time on important things, like curing cancer, when pizza is so tasty? When your mini magnet arrives, just hop on the website, save your favorite dish and some details like credit card information and address, and everything gets saved to your account. When you’re in the mood for some delivery, all you have to do is push the button on the face of the magnet and your saved preference will arrive at your door a half hour later. Seems like an easy way to rack up a costly pizza bill, but any way to get pizza faster, we’re in.
12 The Ex Knife Holder
Take out your rage in a healthy manner, in the form of your kitchen utensils. Nothing screams Mi Casa Su Casa like a voodoo doll knife holder. Honestly, it’s practical, comes in a fun splash of (blood) color, and may be just what you need to liven up your cooking area. Little gadgets like this are, at the very least, sure to make you smile, so wrap one up and give it as a unique housewarming gift to your favorite couple. If they don’t find the humor in it, do you really want to be friends with them anyway?
11 Burger King Pillow Case
There’s been some speculation on whether or not this product really exists. Don’t worry, if you love it, you can always have it made yourself. And who wouldn’t love it? I for one am dying to sleep next to a fictional fast food character, which I will of course forget that I have, and in the middle of the night wake up to the fright of my life. There’s comfort for everyone in this plush gift.
10 Better Marriage Blanket
Marriage is no walk in the park. It takes hard work to build a healthy, everlasting relationship. So how exactly can a blanket make a marriage better? Great question. To put it simply, it absorbs fart molecules. That’s right, this comforter can be ordered in different sizes and is actually made from carbon fabric. What else is carbon fabric used for? As protection from chemical weapons in the military. Takes silent but deadly to a whole new meaning. If things have taken such a turn as to warrant the purchase of this, ask yourself first: is it really a marriage worth saving?
9 Potty Putter
Why let your game suffer because you need to use the potty? The potty putter is the best of both worlds, combining the fun of learning with entertainment. With all that life entails, it can be hard to get out there and practice your short game. Who knows when you’ll qualify for that PGA tournament, you’ve got to be prepared at all times! Gone are the days when one activity had all our attention, if you’re not multitasking, you’re missing out! We already spend approximately one and a half years of our lives in the bathroom, why not needlessly add to that?
8 Butter Stick
Any way to get butter on food faster is okay by us. Think about it: this invention saves not only precious time, but by not having to wash a knife that was used to spread the butter. This is essentially a water saving product. A high calorie water saving product. Think of all the brunches you host and all the bread you toast. How much of a relief would it be to just go down the line, using the butter stick to quickly cover the surface area? The convenient design resembles a tube of Chapstick. So go ahead, slather it directly on to your lips, after all, everything is better with butter.
7 Barefoot Shoes
Pretending to do something is great fun. Like pretending to crunch numbers at work when you’re really just playing Tetris. Or pretending to wear shoes. Shoes can be so distracting. They create these barriers that make us feel confined and limit our productivity. How is anyone supposed to get work done when they have a serious case of the bunions. However, feet are pretty gross. It’s about time an invention found a happy medium between the two. Your hippie cohorts can feel Mother Earth on their soles while you don’t have to look at their dirty toes. It’s a win win.
6 Lipstick Application Mask
Hand eye coordination is tricky, let’s face it. Knowing where your lips are located in relation to your nose is complicated, how on earth are we supposed to remember that? Now you don’t have to! Truth be told, we all thought Hannibal Lector had a good look going, so with the lipstick application mask, you get the opportunity to mimic that fashion statement. After properly placing this mask around your face, ensuring it has a proper fit, securing it, applying the lipstick, detaching it, then properly storing it so it doesn’t become distorted, think of all the time you’ve saved!
5 Flask Tie
Can we use this even if we work from home? Since human beings are masters of deception (and need to come up with creative ways to carry on our functioning alcoholism) the flask tie was born. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Now you can be hammered by noon without the hip flask give away. It’s the perfect hiding place, in plain sight. Bad meeting? Drink from your tie. Didn’t get that promotion? Tie to the rescue. Just make sure you’ve got your Mint Shirt or Gum Slacks handy to combat the whiskey breath. Who says you can’t have a good buzz going all day?
4 Baby Mop
This is genius. Babies are so much work, they should at least put in some effort too. After all, the mess we are cleaning up is most likely caused by them in the first place. Some people will look at this and think it’s terrible, that it's akin to child labor. The baby will be crawling around anyway, why not kill two birds with one stone? Have a play date before a party, get your whole house cleaned! Think how your belongings would shine if you had triplets! And if you really want those floors to sparkle, just spray a little bleach on the tummy.
3 Ostrich Pillow
Most people don’t get the required amount of sleep. That means irritation, declining health, and feeling like you’re floating through life. Ostrich pillow to the rescue! We can all be narcoleptic now, falling asleep virtually anywhere. Just lay your head down, tuck your hands in, and away you go to dream land. You’ll feel like a tiny little turtle retreating into your safe place. Don’t worry, with everyone’s eyes glued to their phones, no one will even notice you have an enormous ball wrapped around your head. No need for makeup or hair care products, how has this invention not yet sold out?
2 Anti-Theft Lunch Bags
Now that public awareness of this product has been raised, I expect this product to go flying off the shelves. It is now your responsibility to pack your lunch in it. Hopefully, you have children and can now make sure their PB&J finds its way into one of these, because kids aren’t the only ones who deserve to have a little fun. However, don’t save these bags for lunch purposes only, get creative with it! Pack snacks for that upcoming staff meeting in them and be sure to throw some cheese in one for that upcoming wine party. The possibilities are endless!
Ah, the GoGirl. A nifty little “device” that allows women to pee anywhere. Remember how fun it was to be a child? To have diapers and not worry about when the next potty would make its appearance? Let’s revert back to that and be able to pee literally anywhere. Kids do it. Men do it. C’mon, women, what good is bladder control anyway? Live free by simply peeing into a funnel, and then pack said funnel away in your purse. We’ve already destroyed the Earth enough, why needlessly make toilet paper? We literally see no problems with this invention. So go girl, get yourself a GoGirl and kiss toilets goodbye.