Is there anything worse than being accused of clingy behavior? One moment you are both loved-up and everything seems perfect, the next he’s worried you might be planning to cook him rabbit stew like Glen Close’s character Alex in Fatal Attraction. There is a thin line between either showing you care about someone or suffocating them with too much love. Many of us are guilty of this as we are not quite sure where to draw that line.
Psychologist Susan Krauss told Psychology Today, “People who are anxiously attached to their partners don’t spend their entire waking lives possessed by the need to keep their loved ones close at hand, of course – it’s when they pick up on cues that a partner might leave them that their anxious attachment kicks into high gear.”
How do you know if you are taking your clingy behavior too far? Below are the main signs that you might need to cool it down a bit because if you are guilty of too many of these then your bae might be looking for an exit sign.
15. You Show Up Everywhere He Goes
Just ask yourself for a moment – if the two of you were not in a relationship, would this be a case of stalking? If you are showing up without an invite to his football games, turning up outside his friend’s house when you know he’s there, or arriving at his home to wait patiently before he gets back – you might be seriously too clingy.
You will emphasize that the reason you like being him so much is because you love him but things might appear very differently from his point of view. A way to avoid falling into this destructive pattern of behavior is making sure you schedule plenty of ‘me-time’ for yourself. If he is meeting friends then go hang out with yours and if he has football practice then choose a sport you enjoy and play with your own team.
14. You Text Him Every Minute Of The Day
Here is the truth – guys really don’t care that much about texting and experts say you should avoid texting completely if you want to make him desire you. Ellen & Sherrie Schneider authors of The Rules revealed to the Huffington Post “if you’re texting back and forth, you’re way too available. There’s no mystery, no distance for him to pursue if all he has to do it punch a keypad for you to respond.”
Remember guys are natural hunters and they like the chase. Even if you are quite a way into your relationship, you should always aim to keep him keen. If things start to become too easy for them then he will become bored and walk away. Always remember to be confident and let him make the first move when it comes to texting, wait an hour or two then text him back – you will drive him wild as he tries to work out what you’re up to.
13. You Become Anxious When He Doesn’t Respond
If you heart drops when you realize he hasn’t text back for a whole ten minutes, you begin to pace the room, checking your phone every two seconds, switching it on and off, wondering what you did wrong – the best thing to do is stop, breathe, and chill out. Sending off several messages asking if everything is okay will just escalate this clingy behavior.
A New Mode online discovered the main reasons a guy wouldn’t text back is because he was either really busy at the time, he didn’t have his phone close to him or if he was with friends. We all know that men can’t multitask like women can, so sure we can cook dinner, flick through a magazine and text all at the same time – but he just can’t master the same skills. So don’t over think things as you will just be driving yourself crazy for no reason at all.
12. You Have Already Mentioned Moving In Together
It is really tough to read a guy’s mind but trust us when we say moving in together is the last thing he is thinking about right now. There are so many milestones you have to pass together before you decide to take the big leap towards house sharing. So always remember there is no rush – also you could end the relationship pretty earlier by even mentioning such a scary thing as “co-habiting” as guys tend to live more in the moment.
Besides there are great positives when you don’t live together. You don’t have to squeeze two person’s personal belongings into one space, you will miss each other more and geneuinely enjoy the dating stage. Introducing bills, shared bathrooms and weekend DIY too early in the relationship can really kill the buzz.
11. You Check His Phone Without Him Knowing
It’s very simple – stop snooping. Quite often when we read a private conversation between two people, we don’t always know the full story and things can become not quite as they were intended. What might set alarm bells off in your mind is just an innocent message between friends. Checking his phone without him knowing is a massive break in trust and a huge invasion of privacy. Basically, it’s wrong.
Psychotherapist Daniela Tempesta told Huffington Post, “Oftentimes we act out in relationships when our needs aren’t being met. But the only way to really get what you need is to ask for it! Would certain actions help you feel more safe? Figure out what is missing and let your partner know just how helpful it would be to fostering trust and intimacy.”
10. You Read Through His Social Media Like A Private Detective
Let’s be frank here – social media can ruin relationships. Facebook is addictive, time-consuming, and can turn you into a narcissist. When the tables are turned and we become obsessed with not only our own profile but also our boyfriend’s, then it can spell double-trouble and you’re heading for a social media burnout.
If you find yourself scanning through his old pictures, checking his timeline to see if this time last year he was happier without you, or even checking out the profile of every single person who liked his latest post – then you have a problem. Remember to always be living in the moment and try a complete social media switch off for 48-hours just to prove that nothing bad will happen whilst you’re offline.
9. You Are Shutting Down His Friendships With Others
Guys need to have their own friends. Sure they love hanging out with you but it’s nothing like his own buddy time. You might have a big problem with this as you can see his personality changing when he becomes ‘one of the guys’ but there is nothing to worry about – that’s just the face he wears for the guys, besides you really want him play punching you in the arm or arm wrestling with you anyway.
Shutting down his friendships with his friends will not only make me unhappy but also this is straight up clingy behavior. You are basically saying, ‘You either hang out with me or no-one at all.’ Christopher Young of the Primate Social Evolution Group also revealed it’s the way they beat the stressful moments in life. He said, “(Guys) form social bonds similar to human friendships that buffer them against day-to-day stressors.”
8. You Have Even Cut Off Your Own Friends
Have you got to that point in a new relationship where you friends are starting to ask, “Hey, remember me?” or “When are we ever going to hang out again?” Don’t feel so bad as many of us are guilty of this when we hook up with someone new but you will still need to be independent and have your own social calendar not just for the relationship but for your own well-being.
Face-to-face interaction is crucial for our own happiness. Clinical psychiatrist Dr. Alan Teo revealed to The Huffington Post, “Meeting up and connecting with people face-to-face is good medicine for depression prevention. All forms of socialization aren’t equal; Phone calls and digital communication, with friends or family members, do not have the same power as face-to-face social interactions in helping to stave off depression.” So get out there and meet up!
7. You Love Playing The Damsel In Distress
There is nothing worse than the girl who is always the victim. In the beginning your guy will be able to act out his hero fantasies, helping you out will feed his ego for a short while, but eventually these games get old and pretty quick too.
Victim mentality is a tough cycle to break, especially when you can see yourself getting results such as his affection or attention. Tiny Buddha online recommend that if you do struggle with standing on your own two feet, then try and empower yourself with some positive phrases. They advised, “Empower yourself with “I can” and “I will” statements. ‘I can give this talk.’ ‘I will write this paper.’ Then the juices start flowing and we rev ourselves up with positive energy.” Your guy will fall in love with you the new, confident you all over again.
6. You Constantly Need His Approval
This might shock you – you don’t need his constant approval for everything. Sure it’s great to know if he likes the dress you are wearing, or if he thinks your new hairstyle suits you, but when it comes to the bigger things in life such as choosing a college or which job offer you want to take, then trust us when we say his opinion really doesn’t matter. After all this is your life and you are the one in the control.
Constantly needing the approval of others keeps us trapped in a damaging cycle of fear and anxiety. Sacha Crouch, psychologist, life coach, and the author of De-stress Your Success, told Tiny Buddha, “Keep a self-appreciation journal, where you start acknowledging daily or a few times a week the things you’re most proud of about yourself: choices you’ve made, insights you’ve learned, things you like about yourself, times you’ve stayed true to yourself, or whatever feels right for you.”
5. You Are Really Determined To Always Please Him
It’s okay to want to please others, some of the world’s most successful stars have previously admitted to being people pleasers too. Jessica Alba revealed, “My teens and my 20s, I just wasn’t sure of myself… I was such a people pleaser.” Kendall Jenner also admitted, “I don’t like to disappoint or make anyone feel as if they need to worry about me.” Even Beyoncé has said, “I always felt it was my job to fix the problem. People pleaser.”
But don’t let pleasing take over from putting yourself first. If you’re rushing around to make sure dinner is ready before he round for the night, along with having his favorite beer in the fridge and spending hours getting ready – you are just going to drive yourself to exhaustion. Give as much as you get – when he does something nice then return the favor. This way you won’t appear like such a doormat.
4. You Have No Hobbies Or Interests Of Your Own
Since you have started dating have you become just like him? You now like the same bands, have started changing your own style, you watch the same TV shows and every book he has by the side of his bed you’re now reading too? Remember – opposites attract, sure it’s nice to have shared interests but don’t become a clone. Also having your own hobbies, instead of adopting his, will mean that your heart will really be in it.
Positively Present online revealed, “Eustress is that positive kind of stress, the kind that makes you feel excited about what you’re doing and about life. Hobbies are one of the greatest ways to access that kind of stress. When you’re doing something you love – something you don’t have to do for any other reason other than the fact that you love it – you feel a rush of excitement and joy.”
3. You Rarely Share Your Honest Opinion
The key to a long-lasting relationship is to be honest with each other. You may be scared to tell the whole truth, as you don’t want him to disagree with you, but this behavior is more damaging than you think. You would rather sit there watching sports on TV for hours just to keep him happy rather than say, “I’m not the biggest sports fan to be honest.”
Psychalive advised, “To truly be honest with someone else, we must know ourselves. We have to understand what we really think and feel about the world around us.” If something in the pit of your stomach tells you that you are not enjoying something then speak up and be honest about it – there is nothing that trumps genuine character. Always make time for yourself and have some alone days just to figure out who you really are.
2. You Constantly Fear You Will Breakup
Fear of abandonment can come from either a traumatic childhood event or a series of rocky relationships when you were older. It can have a massive impact on your relationships as you are constantly worried your partner will leave you, clinging on to your guy to the point of suffocating him with neediness.
Psychologist Susan Krauss told Psychology Today that revealing how you really feel can help. She advised, “Calmly discussing your feelings, rather than acting on them, will not only reassure you that your partner really does care about you – it will also help your partner gain insight into what sets you off. Anxiously attached individuals may have rockier relationships, but because they actually do care about their partners, they are just as capable of intimacy as people with a more secure attachment base.”
1. He Has Asked For More Space
It’s the words no girlfriend wants to hear when he says, “I need more space.” Relationship expert Andrew G. Marshall told Daily Mail Online, “Some women panic when they hear that dreaded three-word phrase, and assume their relationship is finished. (That) makes a difficult situation worse and the second risks ignoring any early warning signs of problems that need to be tackled.”
The truth is all relationships are difficult but if you are willing to work through the difficult times then you can always come out the other side stronger. Ask your guy why he feels he needs space, then take on board his ideas for improving the relationship. Being clingy means you have to struggle with being on your own, so make sure you have plenty of emotional support from close friends and that will help you to avoid a tearful midnight phone call when you’re supposed to be on a break.
Sources: Psychology Today, Tiny Buddha