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15 Things You Should NEVER Do In The Buff

by  in Shock Talk
15 Things You Should NEVER Do In The Buff

While it seems like we’re more comfortable with nudity today, society, in general, still finds it taboo. In some countries, the naked form is considered sacred, which is why they encourage their people to cover up at all costs. However, the nudist lifestyle is slowly being perpetuated in mainstream media. Just take a look at the Instagram feed of certain celebrities (*cough* Kim Kardashian *cough*). As for you, it’s up to you to decide how much of your body you want to expose to the world. Whether you are comfortable exposing your body or not, there are some people that are completely comfortable being naked. In fact, they feel no shame at all and have fully embraced this way of life. Yes, there are nudists around, and, no, they did not disappear during the hippie, disco, and punk era. But because they are a small group, you most likely wouldn’t encounter one in person within this lifetime. However, if you are tempted to try out being a nudist, you should know that there are some things you probably shouldn’t do. For the more seasoned nudists, the things on this list might seem like child’s play. But for a novice, you should really think twice doing any of these activities. Your private parts will thank you for it.

15. Drive a car

Technically, you can do this –it’s not complicated to drive a car while in the buff. However, that doesn’t make it any less illegal. Indecent exposure is still a crime. True, it may be a misdemeanor, but it’s not something you want on your track record. Driving a car in the buff can also have other negative outcomes other than a ticket or jail time. For example, you might shock an innocent bystander into a heart attack. There’s also the fact that you are exposing your body to more outside elements, such as insects and harsh weather conditions. Driving naked might seem like someone’s idea of a good time, but really it’s not as fun as it seems. If you want to try out some activities naked, then do them in the privacy of your own home. Not only is it safer, it’s not illegal either. And remember, not everyone appreciates the naked body like you do.

14. Fry food

Fried food is delicious, but it’s also deadly. Quite literally, any sort of fried food could clog arteries, causes serious weight gain, and can lead to heart attacks. For most of us, this is common knowledge. Let’s face it, even the act of frying food is risky. After all, have to avoid getting splashed with hot oil. And doing this act is definitely riskier in the nude. This really should go without saying. With a pot full of boiling oil, things can go severely wrong in a matter of seconds. And with no clothing to protect the skin, certain parts that were usually protected could end up burned. Doing anything that involves heat is not a good idea while in the buff. So you’ve been warned. Consider that while you might want to fry some tasty bits with your bits completely exposed. That can led to disaster. So think twice or thrice before you make fried chicken.

13. Light a room full of candles

So you want to be all romantic, huh? Or maybe you’re working on your magic or some meditation. Whatever the case, lighting a room full of candles in the buff is not the smartest idea. How many times have you burned your own finger trying to light one, single, solitary candle? Countless times, right? Now imagine a room full of candles and you completely in the nude. Do you see where I’m going here? One trip and you’re likely to burn some bits that you don’t want to burn. If you really want to go through with this idea, how about you try this: Light all the candles first, while clothed. Next, put yourself in a position or area away from or in the center of the candles, then disrobe. Before getting up, be sure to blow the candles out first. Blowing too hard might splash hot wax on you and cause serious burns. Well, unless you’re into that sort of thing, you’ll want to blow gently.

12. Photograph a reflective item for craigslist ad

We’ve seen these ads before. And we’ve laughed our butts off! How could he or she not spot their naked reflection on that photo posted on Craigslist? It seems so glaring and obvious, right? Well, some people aren’t looking closely at the details, whereas others most definitely are. If you don’t pay close attention to what’s being reflected in your pictures, you better believe that someone out there will be. There are people out there that have a keen eye for these things, as disturbing as that may sound. To avoid embarrassing craigslist ads, it’d best you take the shots while fully dressed. On the other hand, maybe you’re trying to see who will notice your naked reflection and get your photo to go viral? If that’s the case, then going naked might get you that viral fame, as fleeting as that may be.

11. Handling power tools

This seems like a no-brainer, right? Wrong! Some people have been caught tinkering with power tools in the buff. As a result, they have unfortunately been rushed to the hospital by an ambulance due to extreme negligence. Even skilled and experienced professionals wear protective gear while using these equipment, so why should you take a chance and tamper with them in the nude? Just being around such heavy machinery can cause serious damage, and even more so if you’re naked. Just imagine the blades and other sharp ends that could pierce certain parts of your body. You also increase the chances of actually dismembering yourself. In short, it’s simply illogical and unsafe to handle these dangerous equipment in the buff. In case you need to use them for repair work (and other such purposes), do yourself a favor and wear protective gear and goggles.

10. Ride a bike

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We all know how painful it can be to ride a bike for extended periods of time or ride one with a less than comfortable seat. Both scenarios are painful, and rightfully so. After all, our lady parts are delicate, and a bicycle seat isn’t exactly the most comfortable place to be. That being said, if wearing clothes still results in soreness, chaffing, or inflammation, imagine riding a bike in the buff. Sure, some have done it, and others will continue to do it, but this is not for the faint of heart. It’s also pretty darn unsanitary. And while we’re at it, the entire body is totally exposed, making even the smallest falls turn into nightmares –we’re talking major bumps, bruises, and blood. Some falls are likely to result in scarring because the skin is not protected properly. Do yourself a favor, throw on some clothing and a bit of protective gear.

9. Use super glue

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If you’re about to fix something with super glue, then by all means put some clothes on. Maybe you think it’s only harmless, so you could fix that small damage right after you’ve hopped out of the shower. But what you have to remember is super glue is no joke. If you’re not careful, it could fuse parts of your body together, and it’ll be a b*tch to separate them. You’d have to do it carefully, otherwise you might accidentally peel off a portion of your skin (Yikes!). The process of removing the super glue is quite meticulous. First, you’ll have to soak the affected part/s in warm soapy water for at least 30 seconds. Next, apply an acetone based nail polish remove because it softens the super glue. Lastly, use a nail emery board to remove the glue. This should be simple enough if the affected area is one of your fingers. But if the glue is stuck in some unsavory parts, well…

8. Eat messy foods like burritos

While it might seem like a good idea to get naked and eat a burrito in the bathtub, nothing could be far from the truth. First of all, the food itself is hot, and if it’s hot enough to burn your tongue, it’s surely hot enough to burn other parts of your body. Secondly, there’s the spices found in them. Burritos can be very spicy, and you don’t want those ingredients to irritate parts of the body that are highly sensitive. Third, washing it off means letting all that food go down the drain, which could cause a blockage on your drainage system. In short, just do not eat burritos naked in the bathtub. Your best bet is to wear an old t-shirt or have plenty of napkins nearby. Eating messy foods is a tricky business, but it’s not a business that should be done in the buff.

7. Give a cat a bath

Speaking of bathtubs, most cats hate them. And it’s not because cats hate water necessarily, it’s because some cats have not had the exposure to water like other cats have. Cats in the wild don’t shutter at dipping into a pond or river, they are quite happy frolicking about, actually. But domesticated cats are a different story. Should your cat be afraid of water, this is not the time to teach her/him to swim or train them to like water –that time has passed. Basically, it’s too late. So don’t get all naked and be like, We’re in this together, Noodles –Noodles is not trying to hear it. Or if you think it just makes sense to bathe your cat in the buff, I’m not too sure you should even have a pet in the first place; and I’m worried about your own life in general if those are the decisions you make. Cats scratch without being immersed in water, so get ready for some cat scratch fever if you’re bathing your cat in the nude, it’s coming your way.

6. Use dangerous liquids

We sort of covered this with super glue, but some people might make a distinction between glues and liquids. Dangerous liquids should not be used while in the buff. These solutions should be handled with care and caution. These liquids include any household cleaning product, detergent, or car product. Yes, all of those liquids are considered dangerous. Don’t believe me? Read the instructions and see that there are warning labels. The more skin you expose, the more likely those chemicals would come in contact, which could then cause a world of hurt. Again, keep your clothes on and use protective gloves and masks whenever you are handling these liquid solutions. I don’t even want to talk about laboratory liquids that should never, ever be used while in the buff. Just way too much can go wrong, such as burns, inflammations, even poisoning, so handling them in the nude is just not an experiment you should be willing to try. It’s not worth it for the sake of science or your body.

5. Build a bonfire

This is a more extreme version of candle lighting. Exposing your body to intense heat is really not a good idea. Not only can you burn yourself, but if you get carried, you could also suffocate. Our ancestors might have done this, but considering how advanced technology is these days, there really is no need to do this anymore. However, there are some people that still want to try out more ancient methods of starting a fire because it makes them feel like they’re back in the early days. And once the bonfire is lit, there are even some that would dance around it just like their ancestors did. If you decide to try this out yourself, then please cover yourself up. And make sure to use the proper tools at your disposal. This way you can build a bonfire safely and properly.

4. Make spicy sauces

Any pepper or spices should not be sliced, torn, or crushed while naked. If you do, then you are just asking to get burned, girl. No one can resist spicy food. Some daredevils test their limits and consider eating really spicy food as a rite of passage. But you don’t have to go overboard and eat or cook them while naked. You should still exercise caution whenever preparing these hot dishes. Why these spices can still cause damage even hours after you’ve sliced them. For example, if you cut onions and garlic and rubbed your eyes with your hand, they would definitely cause a sting. Now, imagine the same scenario but only on a more sensitive part of your body. Not only can it sting, but the affected area can even be inflamed. And the spicier the ingredient, the more painful it will be. But if you still plan to go through with this and happened to get exposed, rub any dairy product on the affected area because this will serve as a cooling agent.

3. Go to a playground

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Technically, this isn’t physically harmful, but it is indecent exposure, which could land you in jail. But even if it weren’t a crime, it’s still wildly inappropriate. After all, what would people think about a grown-a** man (or woman) naked in a playground? They’d probably find you creepy. Even if you decide to play during later hours with no one else around, you could still end up hurting yourself (and parts of yourself that are highly sensitive). Remember all the scars you got while playing the in playground as a kid? After all, athletes are still not immune to injuries, and to think they’re playing in controlled environments. What makes you think you (especially in the nude) would be any different? On top of that, you’d only be scratching, scraping, and even chafing areas that are normally protected by your clothes. So the lesson here is be smart by playing smart.

2. Cut firewood

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Cutting firewood is hazardous enough as it is while you’re fully clothed, but even more so when you’re naked. This is definitely not a smart move. Haven’t we already mentioned how dangerous it is to use power tools, slice spicy ingredients, and even start a bonfire? But cutting firewood in the buff takes that danger factor to a whole other level. First off, you have to swing an axe, which is hard enough to do with your bare hands. Then you have to be mindful of how to cut the wood, depending on its thickness and hardness. Any slight miscalculation with your swing could cause serious injury. And add in the fact that your naked, well, you might end up wounding or cutting highly precarious parts of your body. Take a cue from lumberjacks. They always wear jeans, flannel, thick gloves, and boots.

1. Say hello to the new neighbors

Unless you are a nudist, then you’ll want to greet your new neighbors with clothes on. Well, even if you are a nudist, you’ll want to wear clothes because easing your new neighbors into your lifestyle is the polite thing to do. Plus, you don’t know a thing about your neighbors. You never know if they are ultra conservative or part of some heavy religious sect. Perhaps they are into swinging and you’ve just sent them the wrong idea. Or perhaps they are regular humans who didn’t expect to see their new neighbor naked. First impressions matter, and this also goes for neighbors. You never know when you’ll need the kindness or generosity of your neighbor, so it’s best you say hello while fully dressed. If you become close, perhaps you can expose yourself or let them in on your little secret. But all in due time.