No man is an island and this saying is more true than ever when it comes to having friends. With the prevalence of technology in this day and age, it’s so easy to stay in touch with your friends and to find people you haven’t heard from in years, regardless of distance from one another. Having tons of friends is great, but nothing beats being able to call one particular person the closest one to your heart.
Best friends come in all forms. Your best friend can be your sibling, or your parent, or your cousin, or even your significant other. It can be your longest, oldest friend, one who has known you since you had scraped knees and pigtails in kindergarten. Whoever your best friend is, he or she is someone who loves and accepts you for who you are and vice versa. Your ties run deep and maybe she’s even your soulmate. But what happens when you find out that your soulmate is not what you think. What if she is saying things behind your back or trying to sabotage your other relationships? How can you tell if your BFF is someone who is a true friend or if it’s all just surface friendship?
15. She spills your secrets to others.
One of the most difficult things anyone can do is open your heart and make yourself vulnerable to someone and not just in the romantic sense. We all like to put up a front that we’re strong and happy all the time, when in fact we’re sad and lonely deep down because we don’t try to open up to the people closest to us, especially our friends. Everyone needs that one friend we can open up to and share our deepest, darkest secrets, trusting that she’ll carry that secret to her grave. But when all of a sudden, you find out that said friend actually spilled that secret to a couple of other friends, you’ll feel a betrayal you’d never known. What happened to trusting the person who’s supposedly closest to you? By spilling your secret, your BFF proves that she’s not only a faux friend, but she’s quite conniving as well, despite whatever intentions may have been.
14. She ditches you if something “better” comes up.
Spending time with friends is one of the best things about life. You can do anything together, from having a long lunch, shopping, watching a movie, going to the spa, or taking a trip. It’s pretty much something to look forward to to plan a get-together with a friend, especially if you really need the best friend time with her. But then all of a sudden, she bails on you because something came up out of the blue. You’re disappointed, for sure, but then you assume she has a very valid reason for canceling on a date that you guys had planned way in advance. Maybe it was an emergency, which is perfectly understandable. But then you find out she ditched you because the guy she’s been crushing on asks her out to coffee. What a disappointment for you that she doesn’t go by the “sisters before misters” BFF rule.
13. She expects you to drop everything for her, but doesn’t do the same for you.
You’re at the office at a really late hour, buried in paperwork and at the same time, beating a deadline that was due yesterday, when suddenly, your phone rings and your BFF is on the other end. She’s a blubbering mess, saying her boyfriend of three years has decided to part ways because he met someone else. Your heart naturally goes out to her because you know how much she loved him. So despite the fact that your work will suffer, you shut off your computer and call it a night, picking up ice cream at the store and heading straight to her place to comfort her. Fast forward to a couple of months later, when you’re the one who desperately needs her BFF because of a family emergency. And your BFF doesn’t bother to make a beeline to be by your side, saying she’s busy at work. So much for being there for each other.
12. She doesn’t defend you when others attack your character.
One major thing that makes a friend a friend is when he or she “got your back.” Meaning she’ll support you and defend you from anyone who dares try to put you down, because she’s supposed to know you better than anyone and love and accept you for who you are. So when she encounters a bunch of acquaintances who start dissing you and saying all sorts of nasty things about you, the right thing for her, as your best friend, to do is jump to your defense as quickly and passionately as possible because she won’t stand for other people talking smack about her BFF. But when she doesn’t bother to stand up for you and worse, even joins in on these people attacking your character, you’ll know she’s not really the kind of friend worth keeping. It means she’s nothing more than a fair-weather friend—someone who’s around when things are good, but turns her back on you at any sign of conflict.
11. She only reaches out to you when she wants something.
There are people out there who see other people as a means to an end and have no qualms about overlooking the value of a relationship with that person, even if said person is supposedly a good friend. You can call this kind of friend “user-friendly.” She only reaches out to you when she needs something. Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or a shopping buddy or simply some words of advise, you can bet that she’ll only drop you a line when she wants something from you. She’s not the type of person to just pay you a random visit just because she wants to see you or spend time with you. With her, there’s always something up her sleeve. And when she as no “use” for you any longer, you won’t hear from her for months at a time, even if you’re the one who tries to reach out to her.
10. She’s competitive about everything.
Some people are naturally competitive by nature and like to be at the top of their game for everything: from academics to sports to fashion to anything under the sun really, she always has to be the best. This kind of personality trait almost always manifests itself when she pits herself against a sibling or a best friend. As your best friend, you feel as if she’s always trying to one-up you for everything. This is especially true if you guys are out together for a night out and you get one or three admirers who offer to buy you a drink, while she gets zero. A competitive person would not take this sitting down, so she’d take things into her own hands and find herself a guy just because you caught the attention of some of them. Heck, if she were really a snake, she might even try to interfere in whatever romantic relationship you may be exploring.
9. She resents your other friendships.
Jealousy is considered a negative, very unhealthy emotion because it sucks the happiness out of you. Sure, sometimes it can be used to keep an otherwise complacent partner who takes you for granted on his toes and make him realize your worth. But in general? It’s best to steer clear of this emotion. Your BFF might be the possessive kind and that can be quite toxic, so it’s best to watch out for the signs. If she’s happy and excited to hang out with you when it’s just the two of you, she’ll suddenly get all sullen when another person joins your little duo bonding. She’ll tell you outright that she doesn’t like the other people you spend time with, that they’re not good friends and can never be the kinds of friends she is to you. If she was really a true friend, she’d love and support you, including all the other relationships in your life. She wouldn’t hold you back.
8. She only ever talks about herself.
A good conversationalist is someone who knows how to share her thoughts and ideas, but giving the person she’s speaking to a chance to speak as well and giving that person her full attention. A great conversation is a lot of good back and forth of talking and listening on both parties’ end. If it’s one-sided, then one of them is getting the raw end of the deal. Some people are more talkers than listeners, while others are better at listening and keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves. If your best friend is a talker, you’re most likely a good listener because nothing will really come out of your conversation if you’re both talkers or both listeners. It’s tough, though, when your BFF insists on doing all the talking and zero listening. Even worse, if all she can talk about is herself as this shows how very self-absorbed she can be.
7. The relationship stresses you out.
Friendships, and relationships in general are supposed to be positive. Otherwise, if it’s the kind of relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself all the time, that means it’s a very unhealthy kind of bond. Yes, your best friend is someone who should stick by you, and vice versa, through thick and thin, good times and bad. And there will be bad times for sure, but during those times, your BFF’s role is to uplift you and help you feel better—not beat you up when you’re already done. Not avoid you and fail to provide comfort. This kind of behavior in a friend can be more harmful than encouraging and it can stress anybody out. This shouldn’t be the case at all because friendships, true ones at least, aren’t supposed to put you in a constant state of tension and stress. You should be able to feel comfortable enough with your BFF and not be wary if she’ll support you or not.
6. She blames you for everything.
If there’s one thing nobody likes, it’s someone who constantly blames others for anything and everything that goes wrong in her life. In her eyes, it’s always the fault of others, and never her own, when sh*t hits the fan. If this kind of person happens to be your best friend, it will be a real challenge for you to have to deal with that. Because as her best friend, you’ll be constantly around her and therefore, will probably take the biggest beating when she’s going through one of her blaming spells. The boyfriend breaks up with her? It’s your fault for encouraging her to give him a chance. She doesn’t get a promotion? It’s because you convinced her not to work such long hours and take some time to rest. Her car broke down? She shouldn’t have taken your advice to hold off on having it fixed. Whatever happens to her, it’s always your fault.
5. She’s phoney to your family and other friends.
If you pay attention closely, you’ll be able to spot when someone is genuine or a phoney. Sometimes you’ll see it in the person’s eyes, other times, it’s the tone of her voice or her body language. Most of the time, it’s because you know the person inside out. Is your best friend someone who’s a genuinely nice person or does she just put on a front for the purpose of maintaining a good image, so that people will think highly of her? Worse, does she act like she likes and gets along with your family and other friends and then you find out that she’s been insincere all this time and that she doesn’t genuinely like them? That can be very hurtful for you because of course you want your BFF to get along with the other people in your life. Finding out that it’s all fake will inadvertently put you in between your best friend and your other loved ones.
4. She embarrasses you.
Having someone embarrass you is one of the worst feelings in the world, especially if that someone is a person who is close to you. There are several ways your BFF can embarrass you. If she’s the type who’s loud and obnoxious in public, calling attention to herself with her behavior, you kind of want to duck your head down and avoid the censorious looks that strangers give her and (by association), you as well. For whatever reason she’s doing it, she’s not doing either herself or you a favor by calling unnecessary attention to the both of you. Another (and by far, worse) way she can embarrass you is when she makes fun of you in front of other people, especially with topics you’re pretty sensitive about. If you feel bad about gaining eight pounds and she tells others that you can no longer fit into your jeans because you’re chubby, it makes for an embarrassing and hurtful moment for you, by her hands.
3. She’s ashamed of you.
When you love a person, whether it’s a parent, a sibling, a friend or a lover, it’s but natural to speak highly of them, to tell others about their good traits and accomplishments. That’s because you’re proud of these people in your life and are very supportive of them. It’s fair to assume that the feeling is mutual and these people that you love would hold you in high regard as well. But is your best friend the type of person who is proud to be your BFF? Or is she ashamed? When you guys are heading to the mall and you pick her up in your beat-up VW bug, does she cringe in derision and hide her face when you guys are passing by other people because she feels she’s too “classy” for your crappy car? That’s a sure sign that she’s ashamed of you and doesn’t accept you for who you are, rusty car and all.
2. She doesn’t laugh at your jokes.
One of the most amazing things about having a best friend is being able to laugh with each other about nothing and everything at the same time. You share this special kind of humor and loads of inside jokes that are just between the two of you. You can often be seen giggling together, but not telling others exactly what you find hilarious. Laughing at each other’s jokes and quips goes both ways. But if you realize that whenever you crack a joke, she just sort of chuckles dryly or disregards it completely, it can be extremely hurtful on your part. Because who wants to be around someone, a supposedly dear friend at that, who doesn’t even get your sense of humor, who pretends to laugh at your jokes when she doesn’t really find them funny at all? And it goes both ways, too. If you don’t find her jokes amusing, maybe you guys aren’t so in sync after all.
1. She’s not supportive of your decisions.
When you have friends, it’s more or less a given that they’re loyal to you, to a fault even. You see it in movies or books. When you show up at your best friend’s doorstep in tears, the first thing she says is, “what happened and who do I have to kill?” Of course, the killing part is said in jest, but it’s a testament to the lengths your BFF would go to protect and defend you. That’s the mark of a near-perfect best friend. Which is why it may hurt you when you see that you’re supposed best friend doesn’t seem that worked up on your behalf when you’re in a dilemma. Or worse, when you make a decision (such as deciding to date a guy she doesn’t like) that she doesn’t agree with and she doesn’t support your decision at all, even choosing to forego spending time with you. Best friends are supposed to support you whether they agree with you or not.
Sources: bustle.com, seventeen.com, teenvogue.com