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15 Insane Times Walmart Shoppers Didn’t GAF (Reddit)

by  in Lifestyle
15 Insane Times Walmart Shoppers Didn’t GAF (Reddit)

When Sam Walton founded Walmart back in the 1960s, it’s unlikely that he could have predicted his little store would grow to become the world’s largest company (they made an insane $480 BILLION last year). Nor could Mr. Walton have foreseen that his retail chain would become a bit of a freak show. Stepping into the hallowed aisles of your local Walmart can often feel like stepping into the backstage arena of a traveling circus.
Sure, you’ve got your wealthy elites picking up groceries and your suburban middle-class moms shopping for back-to-school supplies. But then there, at the end of Aisle 7, you see it.
You’re not sure what IT is. You can feel the hair on the back of your neck starting to rise. Your heart races faster. It’s a bird…it’s a plane….oh wait, it’s a woman, clearly ‘not all there’, chowing down on an entire chicken. We’re not making that story up. We’ve gathered some of the most insane, shocking times a customer in Walmart clearly didn’t GAF. For nearly two decades, this super-retailer’s slogan was “Always Low Prices.” As the following 15 stories show, some customers seem to be living out a personal slogan of “Always Low Standards.”

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15. Tweakers Eat For Free At The Walmart Buffet

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Diet experts preach that you shouldn’t shop while hungry because then you’ll be tempted to buy food you don’t need. A couple years ago, a woman in Florida who was on a crystal meth diet proved those experts were right.

The 25-year-old woman hopped onto a motorized shopping cart and turned her local Walmart into an all-you-can-eat buffet. Police say that before they caught her, she managed to wine-and-dine like no tomorrow. She reportedly feasted on an entire rotisserie chicken (can’t blame her, they’re delicious!), sushi and a bottle of wine (police don’t say what kind of wine, but we’re hoping she paired the chicken with a nice dry red).

Of course, no dinner is complete without dessert! Police say she helped herself to cinnamon rolls and muffins. When they finally caught her, police found crystal meth needles. The woman reportedly told them she went on her all-you-can-eating shoplifting spree for one simple reason: She was hungry. Can’t argue with that logic!

14. Ice, Ice, Baby

People of Walmart

You can tell that that the poor Walmart employee in this photo DGAF about the Walmart shopper in the ice machine who clearly DGAF even more than her. With record heat waves across the country, you can’t blame a bro who just wants to “Walmart and chill.” Literally.

This guy has a few things going for him. First, he clearly is saving a ton of money on his electricity bill. Second, we bet this is a great way to keep your drink cold without watering it down with ice. And finally, hiding out in the ice machine is a great way to get away from meth heads on their motorized shopping carts stealing all the rotisserie chicken.

But we also have a few questions. First, how did the guy manage to squeeze himself into the ice machine? Second, is he pooping in there? Third, will he help us grab the ice we just bought?

13. All Hail The Coupon Queen

Suggest.com

On Reddit, Walmart employees shared some of their favorite horror stories. This woman takes the cake, but not the discount!

“Once I had a woman who was giving me a hard time about a coupon that was expired (coupon people are the worst),” recounts Reddit user Wright4000. The expired coupon gave the woman one dollar off of her Walmart purchase, but of course the machine wouldn’t accept an expired coupon.

“My line was really getting long and I was getting really frustrated, so I reached in my pocket and pulled out a five,” says Wright4000. He offered her $5 if she’d just give up on using the $1 expired coupon. The woman got so mad that she couldn’t use her coupon that she then complained to his manager. Someone is taking the TV show Extreme Couponing a bit too seriously!

12. I Bought These This Way

People of Walmart

If you thought the Coupon Queen lady won the Reddit horror story list, you’re wrong. User Teknrd was working at Walmart’s customer return desk when a woman came in saying that she had recently bought some underwear that didn’t fit and she was returning them and wanted her $8 back.

“She had a receipt and plopped a Walmart bag down on the counter,” Teknrd not-so-fondly reminisces. “Inside this bag were six crusty-crotched, $%!&-stained panties that were a biohazard from six feet away.”

Surprisingly, his boss told him to accept the return and give the woman her eight bucks. Here’s to hoping that the poor janitor was given a biohazard suit that day and that the woman was able to find some $8 undergarments that fit perfectly. Who knew that Walmart’s return policy was even more generous than Costco’s return policy?

11. Hand It Over And The Xbox Doesn’t Get Hurt

CNN

There are a lot of violent video games out there and people like to debate whether violent games teach kids to be violent. The research is inconclusive, but one woman in Southern California added some evidence to the anti-violent-video-game pile.

During the typical Black Friday madness that turns all of America into a zombie-like horde, the So-Cal gal decided that she really, really needed some Xbox games for her kids. Now, she was only 5-foot-3 according to reports, so she was probably worried other shoppers would have a leg up on her. Determined to get her hands on what she wanted, she let loose on the crowd of Walmart shoppers with pepper spray and 10 people had to be treated by firefighters.

No word yet on what game she wanted, but perhaps she should try a more family-friendly activity like Monopoly or Scrabble.

10. Save A Horse, And This Cowgirl

People of Walmart

Some guys have a high-heels fetish. Other men love a good romp while role playing with a cowgirl. But this woman shopping for Magnum condoms seems to be dating a man who knows what he wants: BOTH!

What we are especially intrigued by is the onesie with a cartoon bear on the butt. It really brings the whole ensemble together. After all, high heels scream “fancy night out on the town.” A cowboy hat says “I might be a crazy partier.” But the onesie and cartoon animal helps assure everyone that she’s just a down-to-earth girl who likes cuddles and quiet nights at home.

The Magnum-sized protection is probably just to make water balloons or some other cute crafts she saw on Pinterest. Just please, if you do any dirty deeds, don’t do it while the cartoon bear is watching!

9. Bro, Do You Even Shoplift?

The Advocate

Have you ever wanted to buy something at Walmart then think, “Hm, I don’t have the money for this. Maybe next time.” Next time is waiting for you down south where Walmart accepts cash, check, credit and run-quickly-before-they-catch-you.

“We’re basically Walmart’s police department,” says David McDavid (his parents were really creative with names!) in an interview with The Advocate. McDavid is the chief of police in Zachary, Louisiana, and he’s not lying.

While shoplifting isn’t unheard of in any Walmart store, Zachary’s Walmart is responsible for a MASSIVE 50% of all theft in the town. Think about that: half of the town’s thieving is happening in the aisles of one single Walmart.

From TVs to alcohol, the shoppers there DGAF about laws and police say they often have to drop everything to respond to yet another Walmart theft incident. Help yourself to a donut, officer. It’s on the house! (Actually, you probably shouldn’t)

8. When You Want To Netflix And Chill But You Ain’t Got Netflix

Reddit

We’ve all been there. Someone comes over to Netflix and chill, but you can’t find anything you want to watch on Netflix so one of you gets sent out to rent a movie.

That can put such a cramp on the evening though. You have to get dressed and all that can really pour cold water on a steamy makeout session.

That’s when you head to Walmart! Because Walmart has Redbox movie rental machines, and Redbox DGAF about how you look. In fact, to keep momentum going, you do not even have to get dressed.

We’re curious what movie this woman will pick out. Eyes Wide Shut? The Emperor’s New Clothes?
If there was a Rotten Tomatoes for Walmart shoppers, we’d give this woman five DGAF stars.

7. Jesus Take The Wheel

Success.com

The universe gave Reddit user Give_Me_A_Sign a sign that maybe he or she should get another job. At the time, Give_Me_A_Sign was a product stocker in Walmart’s grocery aisle.

“We had just finished a cereal display near the front of the store compiled of about 100 boxes,” recounts the Redditor. Suddenly, around the corner comes a 60-year-old woman treating her electric shopping cart like she’s on the set of Fast and the Furious 17 (let’s be honest, Fast and the Furious will never die).

“She’s looking dead on at the display and promptly rams into the thing,” says Give_Me_A_Sign. All 100 boxes of cereal go flying in the air. The woman apologizes and claims to be blind, but a customer who watched it all go down then asked her if she was blind, how did she drive to Walmart?

“She responded by quickly turning around and leaving the store,” says the Redditor.

6. No Shoes, No Shirt, All Service

People of Walmart

Most Walmarts have a sign on the door that says “No shoes, no shirt, no service.”

We can just imagine the poor Walmart greeter confronting this Walmart shopper.

“Excuse me sir, you must wear a shirt while browsing the fine products at this establishment,” the Walmart greeter might say.

“I am wearing a shirt,” this man might respond. “In fact, I grew it myself!”

One thing we know for sure: People hate a sweaty, hairy back. All that matted fur can get under people’s skin. But we’ve got a great suggestion inspired by other Walmart shoppers who DGAF: If this many gets hot and bothered, he can just climb into one of Walmart’s ice machines. We hear a grown man can fit into them and it’s a great place to cool off on a hot day!

5. When In Walmart, Do What The Romans Do

Reddit

In Walmart, time is just in your mind. You can teleport to different ages of civilization and no one raises an eyebrow.

Take this woman for example. When in ancient Rome, she time travelled to Walmart for a condom emergency. You can clearly tell she was disappointed they only had Trojans (dad pun, sorry).

Perhaps this woman saw the Redbox-and-chill bedsheets woman and was like, “Great idea. Why get dressed when I’m already surrounded by this great big bedsheet?”

We give this woman props for being smart, savvy and economical. No one has time to put on clothes before hitting up Walmart! Life is too short to GAF.

However, an even smarter move would have been to buy sheets at Walmart, wear them to the checkout, then return them later for your money back.

4. In This Walmart Club, No Touching!

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More and more millennials are taking on side gigs to make some extra cash, so we’re not sure why Redditor David_10nant is complaining. He was a former cart pusher at his local Walmart – a thankless and tiring job.
One day, after helping an old woman load her garden plants into the back of her car, the grandmotherly shopper offered him a dollar as a tip.

Being a law-abiding citizen (unlike the Walmart shoppers in Zachary, apparently), Redditor David_10nant told her that he followed company policy which forbid Walmart employees from accepting tips. “And it was only 1 dollar so I mean it wasn’t particularly enticing,” he says.

What happens next is like a horror scene from Magic Mike (the Walmart generic knockoff, of course).

“She then proceeded to roll over in her little scooter mobile and stuff it down the front of my pants,” says David_10nant. “She chuckled dirtily as she rolled away.”

3. Eau De Walmart Toilet

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The next story might make you laugh so hard you’ll pee just a little. Redditor bunchofdingalings (whose username matches the story eerily well) says he saw one women buy a bottle of fancy perfume.

She took it to the bathroom, but unlike a classy broad who steals just to do a little bathroom makeover, she poured the entire bottle of perfume into her own container.

What she did next is crazy.

She relieved herself into the now empty bottle of perfume and filled it up with her “contributions.” Then she brought the bottle to the Walmart customer service desk and said she wanted to return it for her money back.

“To this day I have no idea why my manager gave her the refund,” recalls the Redditor. “It was very obvious that the woman pissed in the bottle because it was still warm.”

We know why: Because according to some of these stories, Walmart’s return policy is very body-excrement friendly!

2. What Does The Fox Say?

People of Walmart

What does the fox say?

Nothing, he’s too busy stalking the aisles of Walmart, hunting for the best prices.

We’re amazed this man made it into Walmart, as they usually have a no-animals policy other than seeing eye dogs. Perhaps seeing eye foxes are a thing in some parts of America where they’re short of dogs.

In all seriousness, furry fandom is inescapable these days. Can we just shop in peace at Walmart without running into grown adults dressed in awful animal costumes? Apparently not.

We’re forced to deduct style points for the man’s shoes. If you’re going all out to dress like a fox and even carry a stuffed fox with you, you can’t just throw on any pair of shoes. Like any style expert will tell you, the shoes finish the outfit.

1. Welcome To The Jungle

People of Walmart

Tarzan was raised by wild animals, and half the time, we feel the same way about being in Walmart. It’s a zoo in there, and when there’s a sale it’s a literal feeding frenzy.

However, these two women have found a great way to fly under the radar. If everyone in Walmart behaves like animals, why not blend in by dressing like an animal?

We bet the both walked out of their homes and met up in the parking lot and were debating about who would have to change their clothes.

“We’re matching!” says one woman. “Yeah while I got ready before you, so I’m not going back home to change,” responds the other woman.

“Eff it, we’re going to Walmart so it doesn’t matter,” they both exclaimed, high-fiving their amazing DGAF-ness.
Well played!

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